The Stranger in my House
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
The Stranger in my House
Well guys....here is my latest update on my codependent, strange life.
I had a weird Christmas. For the weeks prior to the Holidays, I you guys know, I was afraid my wayward, alcoholic wife would ruin the holidays for me and the kids due to some new, nutty event. (ie car wreck, jail, etc.)
She gave it her best shot! The Tuesday before Christmas, on the way back from DWI court....she and her bipolar, lesbian friend started drinking again. She fell in a hotel bar, breaking her ankle in two places. The break was severe enough that it required surgery to repair.
She had been kicked out of where she was staying. So I rescued her, took her into my home, got her to surgeon, sobered her up, let her celebrate Christmas with me and the kids, then flew her home to her parents.
The weirdness surrounding the events is more than I can put down here in single post. Trust me... its weird.....alcoholics, sucide attempt by her friend.....
But in all I guess it was a good thing for me. I had not been with her for any significant period time for months. At times... I still wanted her, in spite of all she has done. But now I realize the woman I married is gone. She was nice and pleasant, seemed to be herself again once she dried out. But something was gone....where this person looked like my wife, this woman seemed like a stranger.
I now also know that I have done everything I could possibly do to save her, to give her the best chance of beating her addictions. The rest is now up to her.
Taking her to the airport was a flood of different emotions. Sadness at the end of a 19 year marriage, pity at how she ruined her life, relief that she would be going somewhere safe, anger at what she did to my life.
As she was rolled in a wheelchair up into the plane, I saw her push back the tears...all I could say was " I'm Sorry".
She may have to come back at the end of the month for another surgery and court. She will want to stay with me. I don't think I want to go through this again, but I do not want to make her life anymore difficult than it is. I sure as hell don't want to see her go back to where she was staying....she would start drinking again.
What would you do???
I had a weird Christmas. For the weeks prior to the Holidays, I you guys know, I was afraid my wayward, alcoholic wife would ruin the holidays for me and the kids due to some new, nutty event. (ie car wreck, jail, etc.)
She gave it her best shot! The Tuesday before Christmas, on the way back from DWI court....she and her bipolar, lesbian friend started drinking again. She fell in a hotel bar, breaking her ankle in two places. The break was severe enough that it required surgery to repair.
She had been kicked out of where she was staying. So I rescued her, took her into my home, got her to surgeon, sobered her up, let her celebrate Christmas with me and the kids, then flew her home to her parents.
The weirdness surrounding the events is more than I can put down here in single post. Trust me... its weird.....alcoholics, sucide attempt by her friend.....
But in all I guess it was a good thing for me. I had not been with her for any significant period time for months. At times... I still wanted her, in spite of all she has done. But now I realize the woman I married is gone. She was nice and pleasant, seemed to be herself again once she dried out. But something was gone....where this person looked like my wife, this woman seemed like a stranger.
I now also know that I have done everything I could possibly do to save her, to give her the best chance of beating her addictions. The rest is now up to her.
Taking her to the airport was a flood of different emotions. Sadness at the end of a 19 year marriage, pity at how she ruined her life, relief that she would be going somewhere safe, anger at what she did to my life.
As she was rolled in a wheelchair up into the plane, I saw her push back the tears...all I could say was " I'm Sorry".
She may have to come back at the end of the month for another surgery and court. She will want to stay with me. I don't think I want to go through this again, but I do not want to make her life anymore difficult than it is. I sure as hell don't want to see her go back to where she was staying....she would start drinking again.
What would you do???
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Guy, Is she going to rehab at her parents? I think you mentioned that once before. What would I do? Continue w/ the divorce and continue w/ my life and do what ever I could to support recovery efforts for myself and my children.
What would she do? Who knows... But I would let her live her life the way she wants to and l would live my life the way I want to. But that's me.
What would she do? Who knows... But I would let her live her life the way she wants to and l would live my life the way I want to. But that's me.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by guyinNC
I sure as hell don't want to see her go back to where she was staying....she would start drinking again.
Whether she drinks or not is between her and her higher power. Give her a chance to take control - she might surprise you and grab onto recovery. It is a certainty that she won't work for her own recovery if she knows you are there to rescue her.
Ennabling helps us to feel better. It does not help the alcoholic to get better.
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Pray,my friend,and ask for God,s will.Mind quiet,just praying,asking,and listening,is what i do.
You will intuvitually know.Its a knowing,that,ya know, that ya know that ya know.Cant really explain it,into words.And trusting,that this is God,s will.Having faith that it is.
My prayers are with you both,and both families.
You will intuvitually know.Its a knowing,that,ya know, that ya know that ya know.Cant really explain it,into words.And trusting,that this is God,s will.Having faith that it is.
My prayers are with you both,and both families.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
I hope
Her parents are suppose be taking her to see a shrink that supposedly helped her father overcome his drinking. She needs rehab if she is willing to go.
Yes, I rescued her again. This time she really needed it. If I had not gone to rescue her, her bipolar friend would have checked them into a hotel and she would not have gotten her surgery before the holidays.
Her friend was drunk out of her mind, their car full of empty bottles. If she had been pulled, she would have gone to jail for months.
My wife had been given strong pain killers and was out of it and at the mercy of her so called friend. This same friend attempted suicide just a week later...and almost succeeded.
There was no way my wife could recover in the environment she was living in....impossible.
Now she is in a safe place with family who cares about her...who have experience with alcoholism. She is sober and drying out.
However, if she were to get back with this friend again....she would relaspe in a minute.
Yes, I rescued her again. This time she really needed it. If I had not gone to rescue her, her bipolar friend would have checked them into a hotel and she would not have gotten her surgery before the holidays.
Her friend was drunk out of her mind, their car full of empty bottles. If she had been pulled, she would have gone to jail for months.
My wife had been given strong pain killers and was out of it and at the mercy of her so called friend. This same friend attempted suicide just a week later...and almost succeeded.
There was no way my wife could recover in the environment she was living in....impossible.
Now she is in a safe place with family who cares about her...who have experience with alcoholism. She is sober and drying out.
However, if she were to get back with this friend again....she would relaspe in a minute.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Very True
That is so true. Drunks Love a Drunk!
My wife is a pretty woman.....it would not surprise me at all if she were to find another drunk at an AA meeting and strike up a relationship. But if she is a thousand miles away, I can't do a thing about it, will not know about it, she will not embarrass me or my kids.
It is my wish for her to get better, but if she continues to self destruct....do it far away from my hometown. I want to save what pride I have left.
My wife is a pretty woman.....it would not surprise me at all if she were to find another drunk at an AA meeting and strike up a relationship. But if she is a thousand miles away, I can't do a thing about it, will not know about it, she will not embarrass me or my kids.
It is my wish for her to get better, but if she continues to self destruct....do it far away from my hometown. I want to save what pride I have left.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
This time she really needed it.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
A PS to the above post...my son lived 600 miles away and I knew nothing about what was going on in his life. I've heard the stories now and am so very thankful I wasn't there. And you know, he made it through some of the worse situations a person could face. Including facing death.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
If she has to come back for court, would one of her family come with her and they could stay in a motel?? Just a thought. Then you and the kids would not have to see her.
That is not cold or cruel, just that who knows what might trigger relapse.???
Such as, she see's you and remembers a bad day or a happy day which brings up emotions, OK, drink to get rid of emotions.
Understand I want to help her too.
Untill they work a good program for recovery even stubbing our toe calls for drinks, and lots of drinks. HUGS
That is not cold or cruel, just that who knows what might trigger relapse.???
Such as, she see's you and remembers a bad day or a happy day which brings up emotions, OK, drink to get rid of emotions.
Understand I want to help her too.
Untill they work a good program for recovery even stubbing our toe calls for drinks, and lots of drinks. HUGS
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
but I do not want to make her life anymore difficult than it is. I sure as hell don't want to see her go back to where she was staying....she would start drinking again.
The above statement seems to imply that you still think you have some control over what happens to her and if she drinks...she will stay sober if she wants to. Not because you are watching over her. Leave her in God's hands please He knows what to do...
And, she is the one making her life difficult not you...
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
i hope it will be easier for you to let go now that she is physically a far distance away. i'm sorry for your pain, but it sounds like maybe your HP was letting you finish reading the last few pages of this chapter.
i pray that you and your kids can mend and get your lives on track again.
i pray that you and your kids can mend and get your lives on track again.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by guyinNC
...It is my wish for her to get better, but if she continues to self destruct....do it far away from my hometown. I want to save what pride I have left.
As far as where she can stay when she comes back for court. She can attend meetings in the town she is currently in, and ask people there to refer her to a recovery home out where the court is. When she arrives she can go directly to a recovery club, stay there the whole day, keeping busy mopping floors, cleaning ashtrays and making coffee. I've done that, and it's not that bad a gig. She can stay away from all harmful influences, all she has to do is _want_ to.
Me thinks you're making great progress guy.
Mike :-)
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
The Dignity of alcoholic
I am working on my codependecy.
But in this case, I think Rescue was justified. Without me this time, she would have not been able to get the medical help she needed for her injury. Remember she was in the hands and care of a bipolar, alcoholic in the middle of a manic phase. The same one who tried to off herself a week later. This woman was using my wifes money and was setting up to go on binge drink in a hotel room. By shear luck, I was there at the right time to get her home, to an orthopedic surgeon, and surgery just before Christmas.
Her dignity was gone. Leaving her to suffer more would not achieve any goals towards sobriety.
Is she at her bottom? I have my doubts. But with a busted ankle, no car, away from her nut case friend, and with her parents who care.....she has a chance to dry out, review how far she has fallen.....and make a decision.
To continue this path of self destruction, or live again.
I wonder what she will decide?
But in this case, I think Rescue was justified. Without me this time, she would have not been able to get the medical help she needed for her injury. Remember she was in the hands and care of a bipolar, alcoholic in the middle of a manic phase. The same one who tried to off herself a week later. This woman was using my wifes money and was setting up to go on binge drink in a hotel room. By shear luck, I was there at the right time to get her home, to an orthopedic surgeon, and surgery just before Christmas.
Her dignity was gone. Leaving her to suffer more would not achieve any goals towards sobriety.
Is she at her bottom? I have my doubts. But with a busted ankle, no car, away from her nut case friend, and with her parents who care.....she has a chance to dry out, review how far she has fallen.....and make a decision.
To continue this path of self destruction, or live again.
I wonder what she will decide?
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by guyinNC
I am working on my codependecy. But in this case, I think Rescue was justified.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I think Rescue was justified
You have to remember that they have their own little angel that protects and watches over them.
Seems no matter what, you're going to keep finding reasons to rescue her. Like Jazz said, let it go. You are not her guardian angel. Someone else is, but it's not you.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
My Plan
She will be sober now so I will set my boundaries. She will have to stay somewhere else other than my home. She has money, she can stay in a hotel. I hope her father will come with her to help with court and surgery.
I will be nice. I do not hate her. I will help if she requests me too....to get around etc., to see the kids.
But she does not need to be back in my home. Its too upsetting for me and the kids.
Then....I hope she goes back home to her parents for further treatment.
At least for now, thats my plan.
I will be nice. I do not hate her. I will help if she requests me too....to get around etc., to see the kids.
But she does not need to be back in my home. Its too upsetting for me and the kids.
Then....I hope she goes back home to her parents for further treatment.
At least for now, thats my plan.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Just some (((hugs))) your way and wishes for clarity, peace, and some nice relaxation you and your kids.
It's real life "invasion of the body snatchers." All those emotions, those are very real and understandable. Just keep reaching out for support like you are and pray for guidance. All this takes a lot of time be patient with yourself.
Time and levels....
It's real life "invasion of the body snatchers." All those emotions, those are very real and understandable. Just keep reaching out for support like you are and pray for guidance. All this takes a lot of time be patient with yourself.
Time and levels....
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
WOW GUY,
You have been busy, and so has she. Sounds a lot like my wife, I think you said I should run?
Well I see why all this happened but I also see a mirror here. All this crazy crap and the still get us to hold them from the well they are falling down.
Mine as you flipped out on me one I said…”NO”.
But I’m moving ahead as planned. I do feel strange doing it, but I do have to do it.
I really can not tell you what to do from here since it took me so long to move myself.
But I can ask you this, how much are you willing to loose?
You have been busy, and so has she. Sounds a lot like my wife, I think you said I should run?
Well I see why all this happened but I also see a mirror here. All this crazy crap and the still get us to hold them from the well they are falling down.
Mine as you flipped out on me one I said…”NO”.
But I’m moving ahead as planned. I do feel strange doing it, but I do have to do it.
I really can not tell you what to do from here since it took me so long to move myself.
But I can ask you this, how much are you willing to loose?
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