i guess i need help understaning a codependent
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Springfield Vermont
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i guess i need help understaning a codependent
what exactly is a co dependent. i've read about people using that word here, but not sure i know the meaning, i should know, but someone said, the need to think they can save everybody?? would that make me one, wanting my AF to get better?? i realize now that i can't help him, but it took me to come to this site to realize it. i always thought if you loved someone enough they would change. i do not think that way anymore. i thought that after three yrs and me caring about him, that he would be happy and change, but i know now that won't happen, but does that make me a codependent? thanks for any info
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
This might help, Bubblegum. Not got much time to expand, but I remembered this on a Nar-anon power post.
The Definition of C0-Dependency
Co-dependency is a term being used with increasing frequency in the field of chemical dependency treatment. Unfortunately, no clear definition of the term has emerged, which has led to confusion and loss of credibility. Frequently, the term has replaced the phrase "significant other" in Alcohol and other Drug Abuse counseling and treatment and means very little except that the person has been exposed to another's alcohol or drug abuse or dependence. It is generally agreed that a co-dependent is someone whose life has been significantly affected by another person's use of alcohol or mood-altering chemicals. It is the belief of my learned colleagues that if co-dependency is to have value as a concept, it must be limited to those individuals who develop a series of generally predictable and problematic responses from that exposure.
Co-dependency has been defined as a pattern of beliefs about life, learned behavior, and habitual feelings that make life painful. The external locus of control of the codependent person that makes the co-dependent rely on things outside of themselves for self-worth. Another definition is co-dependency is a dyfunctional pattern of living and problem solving which is nurtured by a set of rules within the family system. A more limited term, "co-alcoholic" has been defined as a ill pattern of health, maladaptive or problematic behavior that is associated with living, working with or otherwise being close to an alcoholic. Some would say co-alcoholics are adults who help maintain the social and economic equilrium if the alcoholic/addict. Children who grow up in a family with the alcohol syndrome and learn behavior from both the alcoholic and the co-alcoholic parent. It is suggested that co-dependency is one of a newly perceived class of problems that is simultaneously both interactive and intrapsychic in nature.
The effects of living in an alcoholic/addict or similar environment are so strong that an individual may be affected at any stage of life. Thus, children of alcoholics, adult children of alcoholics and adult spouses of alcoholics all can suffer serious damage to their sense of reality, ability to trust, self-image, etc. Furthermore, this damage does not necessarily diminish when the immediate source of tension is removed. Co-dependents may continue to suffer serious consequences for years after their initial exposure, leading generally joyless, loveless and mindless "existences"
A co-dependent is an individual who has been significantly affected in specific ways by current or past involvement in alcoholic, chemically dependent, or other long-term, stressful family environment. Specific effects include: fear (b) shame/guilt (c) prolonged despair, (d)anger, (e)denial, (f) impaired identity development, and (g) confusion.
The addiction process is an unhealthy and abnormal disease process whose assumptions, beliefs, and lack of spiritual awareness lead to a process of nonliving which is progressive......
CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENT
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you and receiving approval from you.
2. Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
3. My attention is focused on pleasing you, protecting you, manipulating you to "do it my way".
4. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.
5. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
6. Because I feel you are a reflection of me, your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires.
7. Your behavior is dictated by my desires.
8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want. I ask you what you want. If I am not aware of some thing, I assume.
9. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
10. My fear of your anger and rejection determine what I say or do. In our relationship, I use giving as a way of feeling safe.
The Definition of C0-Dependency
Co-dependency is a term being used with increasing frequency in the field of chemical dependency treatment. Unfortunately, no clear definition of the term has emerged, which has led to confusion and loss of credibility. Frequently, the term has replaced the phrase "significant other" in Alcohol and other Drug Abuse counseling and treatment and means very little except that the person has been exposed to another's alcohol or drug abuse or dependence. It is generally agreed that a co-dependent is someone whose life has been significantly affected by another person's use of alcohol or mood-altering chemicals. It is the belief of my learned colleagues that if co-dependency is to have value as a concept, it must be limited to those individuals who develop a series of generally predictable and problematic responses from that exposure.
Co-dependency has been defined as a pattern of beliefs about life, learned behavior, and habitual feelings that make life painful. The external locus of control of the codependent person that makes the co-dependent rely on things outside of themselves for self-worth. Another definition is co-dependency is a dyfunctional pattern of living and problem solving which is nurtured by a set of rules within the family system. A more limited term, "co-alcoholic" has been defined as a ill pattern of health, maladaptive or problematic behavior that is associated with living, working with or otherwise being close to an alcoholic. Some would say co-alcoholics are adults who help maintain the social and economic equilrium if the alcoholic/addict. Children who grow up in a family with the alcohol syndrome and learn behavior from both the alcoholic and the co-alcoholic parent. It is suggested that co-dependency is one of a newly perceived class of problems that is simultaneously both interactive and intrapsychic in nature.
The effects of living in an alcoholic/addict or similar environment are so strong that an individual may be affected at any stage of life. Thus, children of alcoholics, adult children of alcoholics and adult spouses of alcoholics all can suffer serious damage to their sense of reality, ability to trust, self-image, etc. Furthermore, this damage does not necessarily diminish when the immediate source of tension is removed. Co-dependents may continue to suffer serious consequences for years after their initial exposure, leading generally joyless, loveless and mindless "existences"
A co-dependent is an individual who has been significantly affected in specific ways by current or past involvement in alcoholic, chemically dependent, or other long-term, stressful family environment. Specific effects include: fear (b) shame/guilt (c) prolonged despair, (d)anger, (e)denial, (f) impaired identity development, and (g) confusion.
The addiction process is an unhealthy and abnormal disease process whose assumptions, beliefs, and lack of spiritual awareness lead to a process of nonliving which is progressive......
CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENT
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you and receiving approval from you.
2. Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.
3. My attention is focused on pleasing you, protecting you, manipulating you to "do it my way".
4. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.
5. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.
6. Because I feel you are a reflection of me, your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires.
7. Your behavior is dictated by my desires.
8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want. I ask you what you want. If I am not aware of some thing, I assume.
9. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
10. My fear of your anger and rejection determine what I say or do. In our relationship, I use giving as a way of feeling safe.
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
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Originally Posted by Bubblegum
i thought that after three yrs and me caring about him, that he would be happy and change, ... but does that make me a codependent?
I've found a lot of help and support for my co-dependency by attending 2-3 Al-anon meetings a week. I'm learning to work on my own problems, instead of trying to cure my alcoholic daughter.
Keep coming back. The people here have a great deal of wisdom and compassion that you will find very helpful.
Getting busy living!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Worcester MA
Posts: 199
Wow! That list of 10 certainly described me for many years with my first husband. Then one day I said "I don't want to live with this anymore. It's never going to get better and he's never going to change." So I changed me!!!! Ending my marriage to him was one of the smartest and best things I ever did in my life. As for my current AH, no comparison and no comparison to me now to me back in my previous life.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Springfield Vermont
Posts: 17
Wow
Thank you for explaining that very well Minne, I guess part of me is a co-dependent, and part of me is not (if that makes any sence). I thought i could help him, but this being the first time around a A for three years, until i came here, i have a better understanding, I do know what i want in a man, But somehow, did not want to give up on him. But i am giving up on a relationship, but will remain friends, but i have seen myself change since i've been around him, he pretty much isolates himself, and now i have kind of done that to myself also, but i realize this now, and need to change. I lost a daughter 8 yrs ago, she was 13 @ the time. I withdrew from the world, then i began to come out of it, and someone fixed me up with my A friend. I didn't know he was at first , but i always now in my relation ships always am a watcher, and observe there habits. I think i wanted thi to work, because i was very much attracted to him. But i am working on me, and may start seeing a counseler again, and try to climb back up again!!and amybe start living again. thank you for all your help everyone
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Springfield Vermont
Posts: 17
Popped in on AF
i popped in to Visit My AF after work on a Sunday after Noon. He was watching Football, was drunk.., I just wanted to say Hi How ya doin.. and he just threw his hat at me, over and over,stupid i know, but hes drunk.. and then i told him to stop it, and then he punched me in the arm, so i was there about 5 minutes and left. told him that i didn't need to out up with this, any how it was at that point i decided, no more, i don't need it. and not much of a friend. i do not feel guilty anymore, about not seeing him. I haven't called him, and he hasn't called me. i sometimes feel like i should send a letter,and explain why i don't want to see him, but on the other hand, he has not called me, and usally does to say i'm sorry, or what's my problem. But anyhow... I've finally woke up. I feel like a big load off my shoulders, and want to focus on me, and hope someday i will meet someone Normal. I have never in my life met anyone like him, and if i do again, i will run and not spend three yrs thinking i can fix him! i knew enough not to move in with him, and i decided i don't think he ever wants to get better, and evne if he stopped drinking, i think he would be worse.... and i am a good person, and i deserve much better than to be treated like a piece of ****!! thanks for Listening, i'm a Codependent NO MORE!!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Fantastic, Bubblegum! I just love your Spirit.
(I don't think there's any need to send a letter - he hasn't asked for an explanation, has he? If you feel the need to write, I would say go for it, but don't send the letter just yet.)
(I don't think there's any need to send a letter - he hasn't asked for an explanation, has he? If you feel the need to write, I would say go for it, but don't send the letter just yet.)
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