TexasGirl

I want to preface this post by saying that I admire those of you who have chosen to learn how to live with an active A. That being said, I do not believe that is a choice I want to make in my life (no criticism intended at all). You all know my "no kids shall be born into this" thing, so that's one of the reasons I think this will inevitably fail, his genuine recovery excluded. Plus I can't help but think that even if he got into recovery, do I want to pass on any genetic tendencies from him to my future children? That would be opening a door for me to have to deal with this forever, right? I hate to be like that, but... So it comes down to two things, either I leave or he gets into recovery (yes, I know, recovery is difficult too and doesn't always solve things). So since I cannot control his choices, it really leaves me with just one. The problem? I just don't want to go through with it. I plan it, I think about it, I go through the motions, but when I actually start to imagine the act of leaving, I freak out. For example, Sunday I bought a few things I stumbled across that I would like to decorate my bathroom with. I know they are things he would hate, but I bought them thinking of my new bathroom someday when we were not together. Yet I fear it too. I love him.

While I'm waiting for "the right time" when "I will know when it's right," I can't help but wonder, will it ever really get any easier to do this?

Minx1969

Hey TG,

Keep hanging in there..I have a friend in Alanon who is finally leaving her partner and it's not easy..She is relying on the support of her sponser and Alanon..

That's what I did when I finally chose to stay away..and not get sucked in for the umpteenth time..Just knowing I had some place to go to cry and vent made it easier for me to move forward..

How are the meetings going?

Gabe

TG, the best words I've heard addressing this subject are Jojo's (from her post "Life After Living With An Addict)...

"The point of this post is that you can agonize over what to do for the rest of your life. If you are sitting there waiting for the person you married to show back up again and all will be just wonderful, maybe you are just kidding yourself. If you aren't happy, if you are making yourself sick about your life, why not put yourself first and think about what you want out of life. Leaving doesn't have to be forever. Sometimes it can be the very thing that makes the addict take a long hard look at their life and make the changes they need to make. Are you doing anyone any favors by staying in a relationship that is causing damage - either emotional or physical or both? Who is that helping?"

somebodysfool

*sigh*

J

sarah25

TG, I am where you are, except we have kids already.....seems like with us, when we met we were both partiers, I drank a lot too......but I grew, I learned, I CAN'T party now even if I wanted to, once a year night out with the girls is enough! But he never grew up. I keep cleaning the house then thinking "what am I doing? I'm leaving soon....I shouldn't be putting my clothes back in the drawers." The physical ACT of leaving, watching my kids watch him as we drive away...it's too hard. The first night alone second guessing everything I believe and say, knowing he's alone. It's enough to make me stay. But I know I can't.......my thoughts are with you too TG. I think maybe we never know when the 'right time' is, and I hate that...I wish so much an angel would show up and say "it's ok to do it now...you'll all be ok"

minnie

"it's ok to do it now...you'll all be ok"

pmaslan

coming from one that knows....you really will be ok

Gabe

You will be better than ok.
First you'll survive.
Then you'll thrive.

No question.

FriendofBill

Yes.

It does get easier. But takes alotttttt of self-work.

Remember, everything will be okay in the end...and if it isnt, then its not the end".

Hang in there, friend. One little day a time, ok?

pmaslan

.....all this coming from the best survivors I know........Hugs.....

CarolD

I left....and found joy again.

doubletime

TG, coming from another TG they are right," you will be ok." That first step is the hardest. Know that from experience currently in the "will survive mode", focusing on myself and my son. You do have to rely on friends and family members (have not attended an Al Anon meeting yet...but do intend on doing this!) and most of the time true friends and family members will encourage you on and remind you to remember to take care of yourself.


Doubletime

cupowater

TG, I, like so many others here, are where you are. Even the thought of confronting him is a tough one. I think I have to do that as a first step before I can even justify leaving him. I think he will try, but, as before, will probably relapse, and then I will have to face the real thought of leaving. I think we will definently just know. When you just can't stand to live there any more, and the thought of living in one room is better then living (for me) of a beautiful wooded lot with my kids and next door to my mother. Thats a BIG decision! Good luck! (((((((((TG)))))))))

TexasGirl

Thanks everybody.

I really needed to hear that.
A thought of promise...
a thought of something better.
Hearing that I can do it...
hearing that so many I respect did.

Minx1969

Hey TG-

You know there are many of us who have walked through the pain..hey I had a little relapse this weekend (a short one ya know)..A friend of mine saw my ex-bf and his new gf..she said he looked happy..

you know what..Deep down I hope he is..

I know that I wouldn't have been happy with him..

I'm with the person I am supposed to be with today..I'm going to be 37 in a few weeks..My boyfriend L is the type of man who will make a wonderful father and husband..I feel really lucky..

It will get better..

Cynay

TG...

You will know and to be honest I really believe that if you dont know and it is ment to happen then God will intervene. I have no doubt in my mind that he did for me what I would not do for myself, he paved the way and pushed me through the door when it was time.

For me I got to the point of crying out and putting it all in Gods hands. One night I just asked him to take care of it all and honestly gave it all to him and did not try to control the outcome. Well let me say that it did not turn out how I thought I wanted it to turn out... but I PROMISE it worked out for my VERY BEST.

It will happen for you too, dont be so hard on yourself and expect so much. You are building up your decisions every time you post you become stronger.

*hugs*

jojo

TG -

Try this. It helped me. Picture your life without him. Picture your new place. The bathroom that you will put your new stuff in! Picture yourself smiling just because the sun is shining or a flower is growing. Feel the weight life from your shoulders, the frown leaving your forehead, your stomach unknotting. Picture a big sigh of relief. Get these pictures planted firmly in your mind. It isn't going to be like that immediately but it will happen. You have a tough thing to get through but when you can visualize your new life it will make the hard part a little easier. It is so amazing when you actually breathe easier - and you will!!!! Keep those pictures in your mind and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hugs, Jo

pmaslan

I like your analogy Jojo.....