Need some input....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 58
Need some input....
Hi All and Happy New Year!
Well, I am at a crossroad (or a junction) with the boy again. Seems all is well for a while and then the bottom just manages to drop out!
He is still not drinking, but I question whether he is sober or just dry (though that is really none of my business) as he is so angry. I can see this anger through his actions, attitude and various other ways and sometimes it is like a huge dark cloud hanging over the house
.
Lets take Christmas - I got NOTHING - no card, no nothing... New Years - I got a small kiss. It was definately nothing to write home about. HMMM I think I still have a resentment there now that it is written down.
He goes to meetings all the time which I think is a good thing though I wish he would find some serenity or something there other than chaos to bring home, but I know that is also really none of my business and I try to stay out of it.
I feel as though I do not matter any more... he told me in the past that sex would not happen as I was just not attractive to him and though that is not really a big thing - I am starting to wonder what the hell is up.. he is out of work and does NOTHING all day but sit in front of his computer talking to others on a forum about his corvette and goes to a noon meeting and a 6 or 8... fine but what about finding a job... what about cleaning up the messes that his dog makes when she chews up everything in sight... he cooks dinner, but that is about all as I will not do it after working all day, coming home, cleaning up the poop or piddle from the dogs as they were not let out... he just sits there all day.... I know this is what he does as I have been home for the holiday shutdown our company does and to be honest - I would have been quite happy if he had just not been there so that I would not have gotten so irritated that he did nothing all day..
Why am I feeling like this... what can I do differently... I am so confused... anyone...
Katie
Well, I am at a crossroad (or a junction) with the boy again. Seems all is well for a while and then the bottom just manages to drop out!
He is still not drinking, but I question whether he is sober or just dry (though that is really none of my business) as he is so angry. I can see this anger through his actions, attitude and various other ways and sometimes it is like a huge dark cloud hanging over the house
. Lets take Christmas - I got NOTHING - no card, no nothing... New Years - I got a small kiss. It was definately nothing to write home about. HMMM I think I still have a resentment there now that it is written down.
He goes to meetings all the time which I think is a good thing though I wish he would find some serenity or something there other than chaos to bring home, but I know that is also really none of my business and I try to stay out of it.
I feel as though I do not matter any more... he told me in the past that sex would not happen as I was just not attractive to him
and though that is not really a big thing - I am starting to wonder what the hell is up.. he is out of work and does NOTHING all day but sit in front of his computer talking to others on a forum about his corvette and goes to a noon meeting and a 6 or 8... fine but what about finding a job... what about cleaning up the messes that his dog makes when she chews up everything in sight... he cooks dinner, but that is about all as I will not do it after working all day, coming home, cleaning up the poop or piddle from the dogs as they were not let out... he just sits there all day.... I know this is what he does as I have been home for the holiday shutdown our company does and to be honest - I would have been quite happy if he had just not been there so that I would not have gotten so irritated that he did nothing all day.. Why am I feeling like this... what can I do differently... I am so confused... anyone...
Katie
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Georgia
Posts: 45
RedAPBT, I am not sure exactly what to tell you and I am not familiar with your story but I have to ask ... is the boy you speak of your husband?
Are you attending Al-Anon meetings ... if not I think it would be a good idea for you to attend.
They are a wonderful resource for us all. The people that you will meet there are just like the ones here ... loving, helpful and so willing to listen to your story.
To me it is all about getting stronger and learning about me and what I want and need to survive and thrive in this life.
I am walking slowly down the road to being healty once again.
If my A choses to walk with me that is his choice to make but I know that I am not going to stay where I was at ... buried under all his accumulated problems, anger, hostility, trying to hide it from the world for him.
As Kramer would say ... *I'm out there baby ... and I ain't coming back to where I was before ...
*
So in closing ... try to not think of him so much ... do something nice for yourself ... something to help you to feel better ... Please.
Sealy
Are you attending Al-Anon meetings ... if not I think it would be a good idea for you to attend.
They are a wonderful resource for us all. The people that you will meet there are just like the ones here ... loving, helpful and so willing to listen to your story.
To me it is all about getting stronger and learning about me and what I want and need to survive and thrive in this life.
I am walking slowly down the road to being healty once again.
If my A choses to walk with me that is his choice to make but I know that I am not going to stay where I was at ... buried under all his accumulated problems, anger, hostility, trying to hide it from the world for him.
As Kramer would say ... *I'm out there baby ... and I ain't coming back to where I was before ...
*So in closing ... try to not think of him so much ... do something nice for yourself ... something to help you to feel better ... Please.
Sealy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 58
Thanks Sealy...
"the boy" is not my hubby, but friend of 9 years... bf for 8 and we have lived together for 6.5 of the 8...
I do attend alanon meetings, but most of the gals that attend the meetings I found have the disease living actively...
Maybe I just needed to ramble in hopes that someone out there could relate... :-)
Thanks for the help.
Katie
"the boy" is not my hubby, but friend of 9 years... bf for 8 and we have lived together for 6.5 of the 8...
I do attend alanon meetings, but most of the gals that attend the meetings I found have the disease living actively...
Maybe I just needed to ramble in hopes that someone out there could relate... :-)
Thanks for the help.
Katie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hi red, sorry to hear that things are bothering u. from reading your post i see a lot of different things that i can relate to.
you said that u r feeling a certain way about the boy? husband? i assume? from what i know about feelings is that they are just that! a feeling is a feeling and not a reality. feelings come and go and they are an indicator of how we feel at the time. this can change. living with an alcoholic\addict can create a lot of turbulence if ur connected. like sealy said u might need to refocus on red, and fix ur life so it's more fulfilling. my husband emits anger when he isn't using. just before he went on the secret, marijuana maintenance program that he's been on for a couple of months, i could feel his anger pouring from him. that dark cloud that u talkabout, it hangs over my house too sometimes.from my experience the less power u give to his emotions the better off u'll be. his behavior towards u with the silence and withdrawal of affection can be called emotional abuse and emotionally unavailable. try to get to a meeting and be with supportive friends and family. i think that from what i read, u are doing more than your part for the relationship, and u really need to protect ur self from his illness. the attitudes, and behaviors start long before the relapse. i'm sure he's struggling, but if he's an adult he nedds to pull his part. figure out just what u can take and can let go and put up some boundaries for ur own sake. bubble bath for red,try and pretend that u can't feel his emotions. read co-dependent no more and think about some nice things to do for a better day. prayers and hugs from sugar
you said that u r feeling a certain way about the boy? husband? i assume? from what i know about feelings is that they are just that! a feeling is a feeling and not a reality. feelings come and go and they are an indicator of how we feel at the time. this can change. living with an alcoholic\addict can create a lot of turbulence if ur connected. like sealy said u might need to refocus on red, and fix ur life so it's more fulfilling. my husband emits anger when he isn't using. just before he went on the secret, marijuana maintenance program that he's been on for a couple of months, i could feel his anger pouring from him. that dark cloud that u talkabout, it hangs over my house too sometimes.from my experience the less power u give to his emotions the better off u'll be. his behavior towards u with the silence and withdrawal of affection can be called emotional abuse and emotionally unavailable. try to get to a meeting and be with supportive friends and family. i think that from what i read, u are doing more than your part for the relationship, and u really need to protect ur self from his illness. the attitudes, and behaviors start long before the relapse. i'm sure he's struggling, but if he's an adult he nedds to pull his part. figure out just what u can take and can let go and put up some boundaries for ur own sake. bubble bath for red,try and pretend that u can't feel his emotions. read co-dependent no more and think about some nice things to do for a better day. prayers and hugs from sugar
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Red,
I didn't answer this yesterday because I figured I would say something imflammatory like I did last time.
This arrangement is just so lopsided! It sure isn't doing you any good, contributing to your growth or well-being.
Walking on eggshells, in or around them affects us! I hate the tensions of anger etc all the time. And you know, I think, you are worth more than that!
He is not a child, you know! Which means, yeah, you ought to be able to expect him to be a partner and contribute so that it is of mutual benefit, meaning also good for you.
Just because he isn't drinking doesn't mean you are there to be taken advantage of.
live
I didn't answer this yesterday because I figured I would say something imflammatory like I did last time.
This arrangement is just so lopsided! It sure isn't doing you any good, contributing to your growth or well-being.
Walking on eggshells, in or around them affects us! I hate the tensions of anger etc all the time. And you know, I think, you are worth more than that!
He is not a child, you know! Which means, yeah, you ought to be able to expect him to be a partner and contribute so that it is of mutual benefit, meaning also good for you.
Just because he isn't drinking doesn't mean you are there to be taken advantage of.
live
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 58
Thanks Sugar and Live...
I know what both of you meant... I also need to confess that last night I started going through my stuff to see what I could toss and what I could give and what I would need to take... :-( I talked to a good friend and the words that she spoke hit like a huge freight train... she said that he is selfish and self serving and he has repeatedly sacraficed my peace of mind to get his needs met while in the same aspect, my needs mean nothing to him. Sadly, I know that she is pretty right on with that... I have always known that he was selfish, self centered, self serving and self righteous too... that stuff changed when he sobered up and all of a sudden they were gone - just as quickly as they left, they started to return...
I guess that I want something to blame - someone - anyone... I have felt as though it was me for a long time - that I was not good enuf or pretty enuf or skinny enuf and blah blah blah... then after working on the steps, I learned that I was okay and that it was not all my fault after all.
Live,
You are right about the eggshells and such... I am tired. For the first time in 8 years, I am really freakin tired! I am emotionally, mentally and physically empty... I am at the end of the rope I guess. But am I done???
Sugar,
I know that feelings are just that, but sometimes they are just so overwhelming and paralysing that I cannot move from them. 
You are also right about emotional abuse and emotionally unavailable.
Thanks for the input and for your thoughts... I really need them today.
Katie
I know what both of you meant... I also need to confess that last night I started going through my stuff to see what I could toss and what I could give and what I would need to take... :-( I talked to a good friend and the words that she spoke hit like a huge freight train... she said that he is selfish and self serving and he has repeatedly sacraficed my peace of mind to get his needs met while in the same aspect, my needs mean nothing to him. Sadly, I know that she is pretty right on with that... I have always known that he was selfish, self centered, self serving and self righteous too... that stuff changed when he sobered up and all of a sudden they were gone - just as quickly as they left, they started to return...
I guess that I want something to blame - someone - anyone... I have felt as though it was me for a long time - that I was not good enuf or pretty enuf or skinny enuf and blah blah blah... then after working on the steps, I learned that I was okay and that it was not all my fault after all.
Live,
You are right about the eggshells and such... I am tired. For the first time in 8 years, I am really freakin tired! I am emotionally, mentally and physically empty... I am at the end of the rope I guess. But am I done???
Sugar,
I know that feelings are just that
, but sometimes they are just so overwhelming and paralysing that I cannot move from them. You are also right about emotional abuse and emotionally unavailable. Thanks for the input and for your thoughts... I really need them today.
Katie
Last edited by RedAPBT; 01-03-2003 at 11:54 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Red,
I do relate to your situation as it is so simular to mine. My husband is also out of work and does next to nothing all day and his big contribution is cooking dinner each night. The differance is that he is still drinking. So I don't have any good advice for you because I right there with you. But I am not beating myself up about taking this abuse. I understand that the relationship is lopsided and that I will not tolerate this long term. I also understand that this behavior is part of the disease. When I am ready I will know what to do about the situation. In the interium I am changing my thinking. I decided that since I earn all of the income and he is not contributing that I deserve more of the rewards. I planned a vacation for myself and my best girlfriend in Feb. We are going to FLA to rest, relax and talk. When I start feeling a little guilty about this I remind myself that I pull more of the weight so I get more of the rewards. I think that acting on this belief will make me feel less angry at him. I am also putting my needs above his wants and needs and this is very new for me.
So I guess my suggestion is to do something for yourself. Decide what you need the most right now and see if there is a way to make that happen. This might dispell some of the anger. Hang in there, you are changing, the process is working, just give it some more time. oh, and keep breathing.............
I do relate to your situation as it is so simular to mine. My husband is also out of work and does next to nothing all day and his big contribution is cooking dinner each night. The differance is that he is still drinking. So I don't have any good advice for you because I right there with you. But I am not beating myself up about taking this abuse. I understand that the relationship is lopsided and that I will not tolerate this long term. I also understand that this behavior is part of the disease. When I am ready I will know what to do about the situation. In the interium I am changing my thinking. I decided that since I earn all of the income and he is not contributing that I deserve more of the rewards. I planned a vacation for myself and my best girlfriend in Feb. We are going to FLA to rest, relax and talk. When I start feeling a little guilty about this I remind myself that I pull more of the weight so I get more of the rewards. I think that acting on this belief will make me feel less angry at him. I am also putting my needs above his wants and needs and this is very new for me.
So I guess my suggestion is to do something for yourself. Decide what you need the most right now and see if there is a way to make that happen. This might dispell some of the anger. Hang in there, you are changing, the process is working, just give it some more time. oh, and keep breathing.............
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hi again katie,
u hang in there like rose said. i like the saying"if nothing changes,nothing changes", apparently things are changing a little, good.
a dear friend of mine is real quick to remind me, "DO WHAT U DID, GET WHAT U GOT!
sorry, about the caps, i'm dangerous on a keyboard.
it sounds like your attitude is changing, that's where it starts. "let it begin with me" , i'm throwing out all these sayingts because sometimes they make sense.
if the only thing that u do today is start treating yourself better and looking at "what is "(reality, u are changing the situation and taking control back of your life from the illness. big hugs
from sugar
u hang in there like rose said. i like the saying"if nothing changes,nothing changes", apparently things are changing a little, good.
a dear friend of mine is real quick to remind me, "DO WHAT U DID, GET WHAT U GOT!
sorry, about the caps, i'm dangerous on a keyboard.
it sounds like your attitude is changing, that's where it starts. "let it begin with me" , i'm throwing out all these sayingts because sometimes they make sense.
if the only thing that u do today is start treating yourself better and looking at "what is "(reality, u are changing the situation and taking control back of your life from the illness. big hugs
from sugar
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Denton Texas
Posts: 92
Hi. Let me begin by saying that my A lived with us 8 mos. without a job and so I know what it is like to work all day and come home to an adult who is preoccupied in their own thoughts, or whatever. It got to where as I attended Al-Anon I didn't care so much about the whatever or the eggshells. I set boundaries, and my A moved out 3 wks. ago. Recently I have discovered that I have a love addiction. This has tremendously helped me, because I have been obsessed and miserably without him. BUT the more I heal and detach the more I realize this state is more about what is going on with how I am wired than the great catch HE is..... Sorry for the sarcasm.
Being in between is where you are now. My advice to you is accept this place. Make future plans if you feel the drive to do so. Live for today, and concentrate on YOU. Sometimes when we live in this addiction world, we forget about who we are, what we want, can tolerate, enjoy, etc.
P.S. I'm going to try and apply my own reply.... LOL.
Being in between is where you are now. My advice to you is accept this place. Make future plans if you feel the drive to do so. Live for today, and concentrate on YOU. Sometimes when we live in this addiction world, we forget about who we are, what we want, can tolerate, enjoy, etc.
P.S. I'm going to try and apply my own reply.... LOL.
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