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Watching AH relapse...

Old 12-29-2005, 07:22 PM
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Watching AH relapse...

I feel like I am watching my AH relapse. I've noticed his triggers: uncontrollable rage when he gets angry, getting angry over really petty things, self medicating, craving nicotine/chewing tobacco, lying about what his has taken to self medicate, excessive overeating/craving sweets... We discussed things a few days ago and he said that he felt like he was relapsing, but then found an excuse to skip an AA meeting that night (and he hasn't been to one since - has an excuse for it...). Tonight he took over $100 out of the ATM and all I can see are red flags.

I know there is nothing I can say more than what him and I discussed the other day. I have to focus on letting go and letting God. Truth is, I'm really scared. The last time my AH relapsed, I told him that was the last relapse that I am sticking around for. Now, I feel like there is nothing I can do but wait for him to drink. He isn't going to meetings, he isn't working his program. I'm truly disappointed that he isn't putting his recovery FIRST.

How have others handled watching their spouses relapse???
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Old 12-29-2005, 07:28 PM
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Veronica....I have no words. Just hugs ((((()))) I know you will find the strength to get through this.
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Old 12-29-2005, 09:46 PM
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Watching a spouse gearing up to relapse - - - I've been there, done that. It sucks. It HURTS, it made me SO angry and SO fearful at the same time.

I've handled it alot of different ways - the "best" way being to work *MY* program all the harder. I tried hard to take my brain's focus OFF my AH (now X) and ONTO me.

I can't say enough good things about the Al-anon program. If you haven't checked it out yet, now may be the perfect time.

There's practical things to consider as well. The LAST time I saw the red flags of a relapse, I started stashing all the money I could get my hands on - so AH couldn't. I knew he'd be leaving and I knew I'd need to pay bills and *eat*. Prob'ly sounds cold-hearted to some - but I'd lived and learned by that point. It was FOR ME NOT *against him*.

There's more that you can do than just wait for him to drink. Get your OWN meetings, your OWN program. Getting MY focus on ME has been a life-saver. (HIS as well as mine)

Blessings,
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Old 12-30-2005, 08:22 AM
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Now that I've been working my Al-anon program for months, it's much easier to handle my daughter's relapses. Before Al-anon, I was always on the lookout for signs of her drinking. Now I just accept that she has her own program and life, and I have to focus on my own recovery.

Al-anon gives me tools to make the stress and fear of her relapses much easier to handle.

Robin
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Old 12-30-2005, 09:40 AM
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Veronica.....How I remember those feelings....as if it were yesterday.
I watched John relapse over and over again...about 20 times in a 15 month
time frame.....At first I felt concern, sorrow, pain and disappointment,
later it turned into anger and frustration and finally in the end,
I ended it. I couldn't watch this over and over again, knowing there was
absolutely nothing I could do to help. It really was out of my hands, it always was.
Please take care of yourself....(((Veronica)))
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Old 12-30-2005, 12:25 PM
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I too watched my xbf releapse time and time again, even after rehab, jail, hospital visits. I am like Pmaslan. I was hurt, angry, fearful, distrusting etc. I had to leave him and stay gone. He is back in rehab, but I don't plan on going back this time. It takes too much stress on me to worry and wonder if he'll relapse again. It was so hard to think that this would be his last time at drinking and then get so hurt and disappointed when he drank again.

Take care of yourself. Sad to say, but if he's going to relapse, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Remeber the 3 C's
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Old 12-30-2005, 05:02 PM
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Relapses suck. THey hurt like crazy. Plus, when you are at the end of your rope, it hurst that someone you love goes to the bottle over you. Though in reality it isn't like that, but it sure feels like it. Hard to see someone you love throw away their lives.
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Old 12-30-2005, 05:19 PM
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I prefer not to watch mine.....so I detach. With the option of chosing to watch or not to watch someone self-destruct, I choose not.

For me...the only detachment is complete. No communication on any level. Otherwise I get sucked in....he is killing himself, but I dont have to watch it happen.

Good luck.....
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Old 12-31-2005, 07:08 AM
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Hi Veronica, I know how u are feeling! It is like watching a car wreck in slow motion. After a try or 2 I have learned to detach. My husband is now "drinking in moderation" after a 6 week stint of soberity and many weeks of soberity here and there. I no longer let it bother me. I keep busy and focus on me and the kids. I am good to him too but then again he spoils me rotten. I try to keep his drinking in perspective. It is his problem not mine. Luckly, he was never prone to drama or scenes so I choose to not get upset when he has a drink here or there. I just stick to boundries like no drinking in or around the house. I hope how ever you choose to handle this I hope u can find happiness soon. For me it is a work in progress! Take care,
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Old 12-31-2005, 07:31 AM
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I have witnessed those behaviors on and off for years. Things never got better in the long run ... only worse. Yes, there were those periods of brief improvement ... but always the downward spiral would return and more precious years lost to unhappiness and chaos. It is time for you to reflect on what you want to do with the rest of your life knowing that your husband has a progressive addiction he may never get under control.
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Old 12-31-2005, 08:31 AM
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I am in the midst of watching mine take the spiral down...enjoyed almost a week sober, then on Thursday PM, he started acting "strange"...when I questioned it (WRONG!), he of course denied...he dozed on the couch all eve, bearly able to stay awake...then he went upstairs without a word to the "he** hole room" (as I call it...all his junque in there in a royal mess...where he goes when he's drinking and depressed and where I LEAVE him!)...said he hadn't drank...that he had a headache...slept all of the night and the next day, until around 5:00 PM...came down amongst the living, acting as if nothing had changed...I pretty much ignored him, and had all day, doing whatever I needed or wanted to do...I went to bed around 11:30, and he stayed up all night on the computer...now he's sleeping again (9:30 AM), and likely will all day. Must have been SOME headache! This is the part where he changes his sleep patterns, occupies his every waking moment with computer, phone, or TV, and ignores me and any responsibilities around the house (I shoveled the drive and walk last eve while he SAW me doing it, but didn't offer to help!) If he's not drinking yet, he surely will be soon. So...I am trying to stay away from him, not rant and rave and do my own thing (without too much resentment, whenever possible). It's just another slap in the face...he'd rather be sleeping than spend time with me...stays up while I'm sleeping so he can do what he wants without being around me. And the part that burns the most is that he acts as if nothing is odd!! I worry he will lose his job AGAIN...so far he's maintained, but barely. I just have to try to think about what I will do...for ME...getting back to work Tuesday will be good for me. Less time to dwell on thoughts. I'm hoping for a stronger New Year for me. Best to all of you!!
Barb
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