How to stop the madness?!?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 4
How to stop the madness?!?
My husband blames it on his job - which is only temporary until he can find a good paying one - but it's getting bad again.
He is coming home half drunk almost EVERY night after work! He lies to me about where he is going or that he is working late and goes to the BOSS's house and shoots pool/drinks. I have told him about three times in the last week, enough is enough. I am SO TIRED of this BS! Anyone have any suggestions on what I can say to him that he might actually LISTEN to ?
Or have any of you ever thought of calling the police to report a drunk driver and giving the tag number.....
I know that might be a bit overboard but what if he were to kill someone?
Were on a bad streak again. The bad streak usually starts with an episode - then a bunch of episodes - then ends with a BAD episode where he finally realizes what he is doing is wrong and then the next day a heartfelt apology (from him) and then a short period of time (about 2 weeks at the most) then it starts again.
Anyone recognize this pattern and have any tips? (if not to talk some sense into him, to keep my SANITY!)
Thanks!
He is coming home half drunk almost EVERY night after work! He lies to me about where he is going or that he is working late and goes to the BOSS's house and shoots pool/drinks. I have told him about three times in the last week, enough is enough. I am SO TIRED of this BS! Anyone have any suggestions on what I can say to him that he might actually LISTEN to ?
Or have any of you ever thought of calling the police to report a drunk driver and giving the tag number.....
I know that might be a bit overboard but what if he were to kill someone?
Were on a bad streak again. The bad streak usually starts with an episode - then a bunch of episodes - then ends with a BAD episode where he finally realizes what he is doing is wrong and then the next day a heartfelt apology (from him) and then a short period of time (about 2 weeks at the most) then it starts again.
Anyone recognize this pattern and have any tips? (if not to talk some sense into him, to keep my SANITY!)
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Friend,
I am not familiar with your earlier posts, haven't had much time on the boards lately so forgive my ignorance, but it would be MOST helpful to you to attend an al-anon meeting, if you aren't all ready. They have so much experience with this and positive coping directions, they can help you make sense of what is happening.....they have been through it....I'm sure a wiser member will be along soon who can better explain on the boards....
hugs,
live
I am not familiar with your earlier posts, haven't had much time on the boards lately so forgive my ignorance, but it would be MOST helpful to you to attend an al-anon meeting, if you aren't all ready. They have so much experience with this and positive coping directions, they can help you make sense of what is happening.....they have been through it....I'm sure a wiser member will be along soon who can better explain on the boards....
hugs,
live
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
HI AmyLeigh.
You bring up an interesting point. I wonder sometimes, why we don't simply have them busted more often. I guess maybe because we might end up paying more for the consequences than they do. Bail, taxi service, an(other) excuse not to have a job. Not to mention that somewhere in most of us codependent types, is the fear that they will get pissed and abandon us.
Unfortunately, words are generally wasted in conversation with an addict. You can take an action such as you mention, to get him off the road. Other than that, you might as well let go. For your own sanity... look at the alanon power-posts and select the link under "how to have fun when you don't feel like... etc". It takes practice to break the habit of being preoccupied with another person's actions. Not easy, but you can do it. MAKE yourself do and think about other things. Eventually, it gets easier. Eventually, it comes naturally.
Hugs,
Smoke
You bring up an interesting point. I wonder sometimes, why we don't simply have them busted more often. I guess maybe because we might end up paying more for the consequences than they do. Bail, taxi service, an(other) excuse not to have a job. Not to mention that somewhere in most of us codependent types, is the fear that they will get pissed and abandon us.
Unfortunately, words are generally wasted in conversation with an addict. You can take an action such as you mention, to get him off the road. Other than that, you might as well let go. For your own sanity... look at the alanon power-posts and select the link under "how to have fun when you don't feel like... etc". It takes practice to break the habit of being preoccupied with another person's actions. Not easy, but you can do it. MAKE yourself do and think about other things. Eventually, it gets easier. Eventually, it comes naturally.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: oh
Posts: 51
(amy)
Hi Amy. Welcome to the boards. Sounds like you are in a tough spot. I was once there and I also contemplated calling the cops on him when I knew he was drunk and was driving. Like Smoke said, the only reason I didn't was because the repercussions were too great. I was already basically supporting us both and I knew we couldn't afford a DUI.
One night I followed him in MY car while he drove to the liquor store for a bottle. He could barely walk and he did not drive well. I didn't know what else to do. It didn't solve anything.
I started hiding his keys when he drank. That worked for awhile but once he caught on he came after me. Those were the ONLY times he was ever violent, maybe because he felt trapped, but I wouldn't recommend that approach either.
I finally gave up. I was spending all this time focusing on him and none of it was helping. I began journaling whenever he was out and I was worried or when he passed out and I was sad. I wrote down how angry I was and how unfair it all was. I wrote about my fears and anxieties....about how worried I was about him. It gave me something to do and even if I was writing about him, I was writing for me and that was a big change from all the things I had been doing. It also gave me something to read over when things settled down bad and made me remember them at their worst. I couldn't ignore the severity when the words brought it all back to me and brought me to tears. It helped me make a decision for me which was that he had to actively want help and seek it out or I was moving out. It wasn't an ultimatum, it was simply what I needed to do for my safety.
It took a year of trying and detox and outpatient rehab and AA and a lot of slips before he could set the bottle down for good. Jump to now, four yrs later, we just married in Sept and he hasn't touched alcohol
One night I followed him in MY car while he drove to the liquor store for a bottle. He could barely walk and he did not drive well. I didn't know what else to do. It didn't solve anything.
I started hiding his keys when he drank. That worked for awhile but once he caught on he came after me. Those were the ONLY times he was ever violent, maybe because he felt trapped, but I wouldn't recommend that approach either.
I finally gave up. I was spending all this time focusing on him and none of it was helping. I began journaling whenever he was out and I was worried or when he passed out and I was sad. I wrote down how angry I was and how unfair it all was. I wrote about my fears and anxieties....about how worried I was about him. It gave me something to do and even if I was writing about him, I was writing for me and that was a big change from all the things I had been doing. It also gave me something to read over when things settled down bad and made me remember them at their worst. I couldn't ignore the severity when the words brought it all back to me and brought me to tears. It helped me make a decision for me which was that he had to actively want help and seek it out or I was moving out. It wasn't an ultimatum, it was simply what I needed to do for my safety.
It took a year of trying and detox and outpatient rehab and AA and a lot of slips before he could set the bottle down for good. Jump to now, four yrs later, we just married in Sept and he hasn't touched alcohol
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
amy,
like the others i would recommend u get an awareness of alcoholism. there is a lot of info here and alanon can also give u info packets to help u understand the rollercoaster ride that ur riding on. u can get off of the emotional ride with awareness, support and guidance. try not to take all of this personal. it is not about u, or whether or not u are worthy of a good relationship. i mention this, because ur husband has a very similar pattern to mine. i always called the process the dance. i've been trying to sit out the dance for quite a while. i've considered calling the cops, calling his family, many many crazy thoughts, and in the back of my mind, i realized down the road, i was just trying to control his drinking and drugging. that my dear, is totally futile, and will not happen. try to focus on urself, and do what my counselor told me to try. she said pretend that we're normal. he is a grown man and i am not his mother, and he needs to do what he needs to do. if that involves drinking, drugging, lieing, destroying his relationship with u and perhaps destroying his career, or ending up in jail, step aside and let him. the important thing that u need to remember is not to clean up after him. alanon helps teach all of us affected by addiction and alcoholism how to detach with love and step away from our part in continuing to fix everything for them. don't get sucked into a fight. keep urself safe always, and get away for the time being if his using is impacting u. try and make ur life better for the day. supportive healthy friends and family and alanon or naranonmembers can truly lighten ur burden.
big hugs to u from sugar.
p.s. piggle, i love u, u are my role model!!
like the others i would recommend u get an awareness of alcoholism. there is a lot of info here and alanon can also give u info packets to help u understand the rollercoaster ride that ur riding on. u can get off of the emotional ride with awareness, support and guidance. try not to take all of this personal. it is not about u, or whether or not u are worthy of a good relationship. i mention this, because ur husband has a very similar pattern to mine. i always called the process the dance. i've been trying to sit out the dance for quite a while. i've considered calling the cops, calling his family, many many crazy thoughts, and in the back of my mind, i realized down the road, i was just trying to control his drinking and drugging. that my dear, is totally futile, and will not happen. try to focus on urself, and do what my counselor told me to try. she said pretend that we're normal. he is a grown man and i am not his mother, and he needs to do what he needs to do. if that involves drinking, drugging, lieing, destroying his relationship with u and perhaps destroying his career, or ending up in jail, step aside and let him. the important thing that u need to remember is not to clean up after him. alanon helps teach all of us affected by addiction and alcoholism how to detach with love and step away from our part in continuing to fix everything for them. don't get sucked into a fight. keep urself safe always, and get away for the time being if his using is impacting u. try and make ur life better for the day. supportive healthy friends and family and alanon or naranonmembers can truly lighten ur burden.
big hugs to u from sugar.
p.s. piggle, i love u, u are my role model!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hi AmyLeigh, I think we all recognize that pattern.
I was remembering the time he got arrested for drinking and driving and he got work furlough again but we had to pay off the remaining balance from the last time before they could set up a new payment program. It was about $800 we had to pay. That hurt!! After that and another probation period and conseling class he promised to NEVER drive drunk again. Well he lied!! I have thought about reporting him driving drunk but like others I think about all the thousands of dollars wasted and do not want to be put in that situation again. I pray and say" He Is In your Hands Lord" and hope that he will not hurt anyone. I promised myself the next time he gets arrested that I will NOT do one thing. No calls from me. He is completely on his own. I will continue to take care of me and my kids. He is going to do what he will do. Lecturing never did any good and it is a complete waste of my strength which I need for other things in my life. He is the one that has to want to change!!
Take care of you Amy!! Good luck and Happy New Year!
matters
I was remembering the time he got arrested for drinking and driving and he got work furlough again but we had to pay off the remaining balance from the last time before they could set up a new payment program. It was about $800 we had to pay. That hurt!! After that and another probation period and conseling class he promised to NEVER drive drunk again. Well he lied!! I have thought about reporting him driving drunk but like others I think about all the thousands of dollars wasted and do not want to be put in that situation again. I pray and say" He Is In your Hands Lord" and hope that he will not hurt anyone. I promised myself the next time he gets arrested that I will NOT do one thing. No calls from me. He is completely on his own. I will continue to take care of me and my kids. He is going to do what he will do. Lecturing never did any good and it is a complete waste of my strength which I need for other things in my life. He is the one that has to want to change!!
Take care of you Amy!! Good luck and Happy New Year!
matters
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