This Al Anon Rookie Needs Input
Southern through and through
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
This Al Anon Rookie Needs Input
Ok guys and gals, I think I know the answer but let me go ahead and ask this anyway in hopes that ya'll can shed some light on my question.
Quick review: daughter is home after out patient treatment. She supposedly, SUPPOSEDLY the key word there, is 57 days sober, but I have my doubts after this past weekend. I wasn't home to witness the behavior, but she spent the night with some girlfriends on the eve of one of her friend's wedding. Get the picture? She came home at 8:00 the next a.m. (guess cause the bride had to get ready) and slept ALL DAY until her dad woke her up. I wished he hadn't but she was a soloist at the wedding and he felt like he couldn't ruin the girl's wedding day by letting our daughter pull a 'no show.' So, of course, we are suspicious although I know they COULD have just stayed up late like girls do at a spend-the-night party. But I know the situation she was in screams PARTY! I 'sort of' mentioned it to her when I talked to her that afternoon right after show woke up. (Ok, ok, so I MENTIONED IT. I never got to confronting in hopes that I wouldn't get chastized for meddling in HER working HER program! I hate that, but anyway.....). She assured me she had been just fine the night before, but I just don't believe her. Five years of her lying to us has me just a TAD unable to trust! And get this. She has trouble understanding why I can't trust her! Good Glory! This kid USED to have common sense but I think the using has destroyed it totally!
So I don't know if she drank or not. And I KNOW that whether she did or not, I can't do anything about it. But I'm concerned now that we have totally gone back to square one where she lies and deceives and EVEN IS GOING TO TRY AND DECEIVE HERSELF. Her attendance at AA meetings has trailed off greatly due to her boyfriend being MUCH MORE important. While in IOP treatment she went daily to AA and was doing so good. And I think she felt accountable, but now that she isn't attending AA much, well....she can just pretend she didn't drink and can continue her 'count' of sober days. Oh yeah, that would be just like her. Also, she never talks to her sponsor. Geeze, isn't the sponsor supposed to monitor and encourage? I don't think she ever even calls my daughter. If she does, I never hear about it.
I know I'm not supposed to confront. I know I'm supposed to let HER work HER program and I'm to work my program. But I'm feeling like I'm just sitting here waiting for a catastrophe to happen. It's just a matter of time. Basically she's replaced AA with the boyfriend. And when he goes, so will she...down the path of drinking and drugging again.
And oh yeah, her treatment folks told me to call them if she slipped. I don't know if that just applied while she was in outpatient treatment or if they meant whenever. I'm thinking I might call them, but I have a feeling they will say, "you can't do anything anyway."
You know, I could deal with a slip a whole lot easier than dealing with a lying alcoholic who is trying to pretend she has 50 something days sober. Now THAT burns me up. If you've slipped, TELL ME you've slipped. But the lying...now THAT indicates there is a problem much more serious than just a slip. It's like IOP didn't do any good if she's back into denial.
And words of wisdom, please?
Quick review: daughter is home after out patient treatment. She supposedly, SUPPOSEDLY the key word there, is 57 days sober, but I have my doubts after this past weekend. I wasn't home to witness the behavior, but she spent the night with some girlfriends on the eve of one of her friend's wedding. Get the picture? She came home at 8:00 the next a.m. (guess cause the bride had to get ready) and slept ALL DAY until her dad woke her up. I wished he hadn't but she was a soloist at the wedding and he felt like he couldn't ruin the girl's wedding day by letting our daughter pull a 'no show.' So, of course, we are suspicious although I know they COULD have just stayed up late like girls do at a spend-the-night party. But I know the situation she was in screams PARTY! I 'sort of' mentioned it to her when I talked to her that afternoon right after show woke up. (Ok, ok, so I MENTIONED IT. I never got to confronting in hopes that I wouldn't get chastized for meddling in HER working HER program! I hate that, but anyway.....). She assured me she had been just fine the night before, but I just don't believe her. Five years of her lying to us has me just a TAD unable to trust! And get this. She has trouble understanding why I can't trust her! Good Glory! This kid USED to have common sense but I think the using has destroyed it totally!
So I don't know if she drank or not. And I KNOW that whether she did or not, I can't do anything about it. But I'm concerned now that we have totally gone back to square one where she lies and deceives and EVEN IS GOING TO TRY AND DECEIVE HERSELF. Her attendance at AA meetings has trailed off greatly due to her boyfriend being MUCH MORE important. While in IOP treatment she went daily to AA and was doing so good. And I think she felt accountable, but now that she isn't attending AA much, well....she can just pretend she didn't drink and can continue her 'count' of sober days. Oh yeah, that would be just like her. Also, she never talks to her sponsor. Geeze, isn't the sponsor supposed to monitor and encourage? I don't think she ever even calls my daughter. If she does, I never hear about it.
I know I'm not supposed to confront. I know I'm supposed to let HER work HER program and I'm to work my program. But I'm feeling like I'm just sitting here waiting for a catastrophe to happen. It's just a matter of time. Basically she's replaced AA with the boyfriend. And when he goes, so will she...down the path of drinking and drugging again.
And oh yeah, her treatment folks told me to call them if she slipped. I don't know if that just applied while she was in outpatient treatment or if they meant whenever. I'm thinking I might call them, but I have a feeling they will say, "you can't do anything anyway."
You know, I could deal with a slip a whole lot easier than dealing with a lying alcoholic who is trying to pretend she has 50 something days sober. Now THAT burns me up. If you've slipped, TELL ME you've slipped. But the lying...now THAT indicates there is a problem much more serious than just a slip. It's like IOP didn't do any good if she's back into denial.
And words of wisdom, please?
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hangin,
You did me a huge favor a few moments ago by responding to my thread. Let me return the favor.
I think you know where my head is right now. But a couple weeks ago when I "had a feeling" the Beav might be buzzed, I noted the feeling but I did not do anything. Now in light of my current situation let me tell you a not so little secret. If she is using you WILL find out. Confronting her will make her will do one of two things...create a situation where she will lie...or hurt her if she is sober. Now on the other hand she does not deserve your trust...she has not earned it yet. You COULD let her know that she behaved in a way that has made you doubt her honesty and leave it at that.
But then...who am I to talk!! The Beav is stealing cars and passing out in my driveway and I didn't have a clue....other than my trusty radar. It hasn't failed me yet! Trust yours!!
Hugs!!
JT
I think you are on track...out all night, slep all day?? Yep, that would be my bet.
You did me a huge favor a few moments ago by responding to my thread. Let me return the favor.
I think you know where my head is right now. But a couple weeks ago when I "had a feeling" the Beav might be buzzed, I noted the feeling but I did not do anything. Now in light of my current situation let me tell you a not so little secret. If she is using you WILL find out. Confronting her will make her will do one of two things...create a situation where she will lie...or hurt her if she is sober. Now on the other hand she does not deserve your trust...she has not earned it yet. You COULD let her know that she behaved in a way that has made you doubt her honesty and leave it at that.
But then...who am I to talk!! The Beav is stealing cars and passing out in my driveway and I didn't have a clue....other than my trusty radar. It hasn't failed me yet! Trust yours!!
Hugs!!
JT
I think you are on track...out all night, slep all day?? Yep, that would be my bet.
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Georgia
Posts: 45
A Duck
Good Morning Hangin' In, I am sorry to hear that you are upset and worried about your daughter but I have to agree with Just tired ... if she was using then she most likely will again and you will not have to look for it ... something will happen and you will know for sure without any doubt.
I would also agree that you should not worry yourself any at all about not trusting her. Trust afterall is something that is earned and she has not earned your trust yet.
In closing I think this old saying fits.
It it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck ... then it most likely is a duck ...
Staying out all night then sleeping all day certainly sounds like a duck to me.
PS ... it is good to see you posting again my georgia buddy .. hugs,
Sealy
I would also agree that you should not worry yourself any at all about not trusting her. Trust afterall is something that is earned and she has not earned your trust yet.
In closing I think this old saying fits.
It it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck ... then it most likely is a duck ...
Staying out all night then sleeping all day certainly sounds like a duck to me.
PS ... it is good to see you posting again my georgia buddy .. hugs,
Sealy
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Hangin' In,
I really had to work hard on this issue when my son was here and sober. I had to contantly force myself to refocus and let it go. When he started drinking I knew.
You'll find out what's going on. It might not be today and it doesn't have to be today.
I'm really trying to learn to take what each day has to offer and not waste it wondering what might be happening or what might happen. If I do that I let today slip by. Our todays are a gift. I let too many of mine slip by and regret it now.
What does today have for you? What quality time can you spend with your daughter while she is with you. What good memories can you build. My son was only sober for 3 months. I cherrish those memories. I'm glad they weren't filled with fighting.
Hugs,
MG
I really had to work hard on this issue when my son was here and sober. I had to contantly force myself to refocus and let it go. When he started drinking I knew.
You'll find out what's going on. It might not be today and it doesn't have to be today.
I'm really trying to learn to take what each day has to offer and not waste it wondering what might be happening or what might happen. If I do that I let today slip by. Our todays are a gift. I let too many of mine slip by and regret it now.
What does today have for you? What quality time can you spend with your daughter while she is with you. What good memories can you build. My son was only sober for 3 months. I cherrish those memories. I'm glad they weren't filled with fighting.
Hugs,
MG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
****{Hangin'}}}
I agree with the rest - that if she is using you will know soon enough. I have been through this with my son and it is a common pattern...less meetings, more girl/boy friend, bye bye sponsor, bye bye recovery...opps a slip.
The relapse begins long before they pick up, and it is usually preceeded by this kind of behaviour. That doesn't mean she has picked up yet, but it means your radar is probably accurate.
Just keep doing the best you can, and as JT often says, keep your helmet handy.
I agree with the rest - that if she is using you will know soon enough. I have been through this with my son and it is a common pattern...less meetings, more girl/boy friend, bye bye sponsor, bye bye recovery...opps a slip.
The relapse begins long before they pick up, and it is usually preceeded by this kind of behaviour. That doesn't mean she has picked up yet, but it means your radar is probably accurate.
Just keep doing the best you can, and as JT often says, keep your helmet handy.
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Dear Hangin In
some of your story could be mine. Our daughter went into voluntary 90 day in house treatment this summer to get away from the insanity in our own home, husband left her with us then my oldest son became so stressed by trying to save her he started drinking heavy , had the law on him,spent jail time, hospitalized twice for mental problemsI just cried or screamed. My husband fell apart and began to take prozac to cope. For all of us the life we knew was over, insanity ruled.But in the midst of it all I found contact with my higher power and alanon, all of which became my life saver, still attend 3 times a week even though a lull has settled in.
After my daughters three mths were up she drank the first night. I was flabergasted and totaly felt defeated by the power of the drug.When drinking it was a pint a day 7 days a week,she was almost non functional as a human being. I spent the night under the blankets crying to just die.
That was in October, today (Ithink) she is sober has begun to go to meetings , is back with her husband.She doesnt do all the things I would like to see her do, but I stay out of the way because its not my way its hers, between her and her higher power. My son is now almost back to normal except for depression. He lost his job, his wife and home.
I can only pray for them, my interferrence did not help even though I meant well and love them so much. But God has and is showing me to stay out of His way and I am trying to do that because I do love and care about them so much I will not interfere with his plans for them.
Hangin In I hope this helps you because I can only say what didnt work for me.I have only been in alanon 7mths so am realy new at this and a good part of that time I was crazy !Still trying to accept the things I cannot change.
love you
Liddy
some of your story could be mine. Our daughter went into voluntary 90 day in house treatment this summer to get away from the insanity in our own home, husband left her with us then my oldest son became so stressed by trying to save her he started drinking heavy , had the law on him,spent jail time, hospitalized twice for mental problemsI just cried or screamed. My husband fell apart and began to take prozac to cope. For all of us the life we knew was over, insanity ruled.But in the midst of it all I found contact with my higher power and alanon, all of which became my life saver, still attend 3 times a week even though a lull has settled in.
After my daughters three mths were up she drank the first night. I was flabergasted and totaly felt defeated by the power of the drug.When drinking it was a pint a day 7 days a week,she was almost non functional as a human being. I spent the night under the blankets crying to just die.
That was in October, today (Ithink) she is sober has begun to go to meetings , is back with her husband.She doesnt do all the things I would like to see her do, but I stay out of the way because its not my way its hers, between her and her higher power. My son is now almost back to normal except for depression. He lost his job, his wife and home.
I can only pray for them, my interferrence did not help even though I meant well and love them so much. But God has and is showing me to stay out of His way and I am trying to do that because I do love and care about them so much I will not interfere with his plans for them.
Hangin In I hope this helps you because I can only say what didnt work for me.I have only been in alanon 7mths so am realy new at this and a good part of that time I was crazy !Still trying to accept the things I cannot change.
love you
Liddy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
hangin'
so sorry to hear of the problems, i guess i'm just repeating what the others have said, but if she's using it will reveal itself. important point, the attitudes and behaviors begin before the relapse. it is so difficult to watch, especially for a mom. like jt, said, ur radar is up and apparently it is working. try hard to detach, which is where the program is hard work. try not to provoke the anxiety or anger in either of u. i've been trying to practice a lot of direct honest communication wit h all my ducks. i don't think that it really gets through to them, but calm conversations occasionally about my concerns as a mom or wife benefit me. the trust issues are there because of the past, it took along time to build distrust and suspicion and it will take a long time to repair that. this is not ur fault, it's her fault, and i'm sure she is going through a lot of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, if u have picked up on these suspicions. hope u can get too a meeting or find a post here that helps guide u through these tough times. ur in my prayers and stay close. letgo, and let god!!it's so much easier to deal with them, when we detach with love!!
hugs from sugar
so sorry to hear of the problems, i guess i'm just repeating what the others have said, but if she's using it will reveal itself. important point, the attitudes and behaviors begin before the relapse. it is so difficult to watch, especially for a mom. like jt, said, ur radar is up and apparently it is working. try hard to detach, which is where the program is hard work. try not to provoke the anxiety or anger in either of u. i've been trying to practice a lot of direct honest communication wit h all my ducks. i don't think that it really gets through to them, but calm conversations occasionally about my concerns as a mom or wife benefit me. the trust issues are there because of the past, it took along time to build distrust and suspicion and it will take a long time to repair that. this is not ur fault, it's her fault, and i'm sure she is going through a lot of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, if u have picked up on these suspicions. hope u can get too a meeting or find a post here that helps guide u through these tough times. ur in my prayers and stay close. letgo, and let god!!it's so much easier to deal with them, when we detach with love!!
hugs from sugar
Southern through and through
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
I just love you guys. Thanks so much for your input.I'm trying........*big sigh*........really trying to learn the detach thing and trying to keep my mouth shut. Man, oh man, it is so hard to just stand back and watch a possible relapse coming on. And I know I'm not telling ya'll anything ya'll don't already know, so I'll just shut up now.
And WELCOME Liddy! Glad you found this board.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Now I'm off to take down the Christmas decorations cause that dad gum good fairy didn't stop at my house to do it! The nerve of her!
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
mORNING GLORY
Originally posted by Morning Glory
Hi Hangin' In,
I really had to work hard on this issue when my son was here and sober. I had to contantly force myself to refocus and let it go. When he started drinking I knew.
You'll find out what's going on. It might not be today and it doesn't have to be today.
I'm really trying to learn to take what each day has to offer and not waste it wondering what might be happening or what might happen. If I do that I let today slip by. Our todays are a gift. I let too many of mine slip by and regret it now.
What does today have for you? What quality time can you spend with your daughter while she is with you. What good memories can you build. My son was only sober for 3 months. I cherrish those memories. I'm glad they weren't filled with fighting.
Hugs,
MG
Hi Hangin' In,
I really had to work hard on this issue when my son was here and sober. I had to contantly force myself to refocus and let it go. When he started drinking I knew.
You'll find out what's going on. It might not be today and it doesn't have to be today.
I'm really trying to learn to take what each day has to offer and not waste it wondering what might be happening or what might happen. If I do that I let today slip by. Our todays are a gift. I let too many of mine slip by and regret it now.
What does today have for you? What quality time can you spend with your daughter while she is with you. What good memories can you build. My son was only sober for 3 months. I cherrish those memories. I'm glad they weren't filled with fighting.
Hugs,
MG
Thank you........ Sally
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