Anguished

Sometimes I’m not sure I can make it another day living with the insanity
Sometimes I don’t want to answer the phone because I know he’ll be on the other end drunk and mad about something
Sometimes I don’t want to go home, I’m not sure which of his personalities will be there waiting for me
Sometimes I just want to run away
Sometimes I cry and ask God why I have chosen this path
Sometimes I wonder why I don’t I love myself enough to get away from him
Sometimes I pray to fall asleep fast at night so I can block out his ranting and raving
Sometimes I fantasize about grabbing him by the neck and chocking him until he stops
Sometimes I kiss his butt and agree to things that are totally absurd to get him to shut up
Sometimes I turn my back yet listen to all the mean things he says about me
Sometimes I believe the mean things he says about me
Sometimes I pray he’ll be passed out before I get home so I can enjoy peace and quiet
Sometimes I feel helpless and alone
Sometimes I stay late at work although I have nothing to do
Sometimes I just need to vent and not be judged

Thanks for listening

LovingMom

Oh darlin...Been there...felt that. Now I am gonna tell you something that I have never...NEVER told another living soul. When I was married to my first husband, he drank and drank heavily for years..but I was a baby and didn't know that you can be an alcoholic on beer as easily as on hard liquer. but anyways...towards the end of the marriage when he would be five or ten minutes late...I would pray...honestly clasp my hands and PRAY that the next sound I would hear would be the Texas State Troopers telling me that our van was found out on I-20...crushed....upside down...burning...Well...thats a bit much...but you get my drift. I always thought that if after all he had done..the very least he could do is make me a young widow. But no. In the end I had to leave. That was over 20 years ago...He has all his chips now..from his first 24 hour one on up. He went and got clean and sober when I left...

Please be good to yourself..You sound so sad and this MOM is sending hugs your way.

sunwish

This is about where I am at too! Wishing he'd pass out quickly, not be in a bad mood and yell at me and the kids and taking my time coming home when I know he's is in a mood.

But I am learning alot through Alanon and here.
Thanks!

JennyK

I say a prayer every day on my way home from work.

Every day. I say "Please God, let me be able to deal with whatever I find on the other side of that door", and yes, everyday I have been able to deal with it and deal with it with grace.

Millions of prayers to you. I know exactly how you feel. Really.

Jenny

FaithChaser

(((((Anguished)))),

Yup, I know the feeling as well. Vent away here, I've done that soooo many times this past year. I also sometimes stay late at work and daudle, wonder why I chose this path. I pray for Him, for my ability to cope better with it blah blah blah. I even think God gets tired of hearing it from me!
One thing I know is that you have to be able to give some of that pain away, it is too much for one person to hang onto themselves. I feel like when we share that pain, it somehow lessens the load. When we are weak it is easier if you have someone to lean on. I'm going to keep leaning on everyone here, someday I'll be able to stand tall on my own and be there for someone else to lean on.... Day by day we'll gain stregth and perspective, knowlegde and love for ourselves.

More prayers shooting your way.

Hugs,
~FaithChaser

doubletime

Thanks, for writing what I had been feeling. I felt guilty for a long time for feeling this way but have since moved on. Stay strong.


Doubletime :MrsClaus

Anguished

Thank you... All of you for letting me know that what I was purging out of my system is normal for this situation. At times I feel guilty for feeling the things I do then I gain perspective - I'm having unhealthy thoughts because I'm in an unhealthy living arrangement. God Bless you all and again... Thank you

Pick-a-name

You know what I am "afraid" to admit...................my AH moved out and divorced me because of this and I am broken-hearted over it all. (We have been together 30 years; married 27). I know alot of you would welcome that, and in some ways it was a relief at first. He is still functioning at work. Now, he denies it, but his ego seems to be being fed by women (yes, he still has $,too)

UGH...........I feel like I don't want to live with him( while active) or without him. I hate it.

I am really trying hard to work on myself..........I just am so very tired, in general and of all of this.

Jazzman

Don't EVER believe it, and...
This might stop

finallyfree?

you have written everything i think as well.

amitiredenuff

I have felt and thought all of the things you wrote. Still do at times, but not nearly as often. My ah has been out of the house for over a year, divorce pending and though I know this is what is best for me and my girls, yet I still feel such pain. I think, what if he gets sober now? What if he gets sober and finds someone new who really UNDERSTANDS him after all of this pain and suffering? But nonetheless, I pray for him. I pray that he finds peace, that he finds joy, that he finds sobriety. His being an addict has absolutely nothing to do with me. When I think it does, I know my ego is in full throttle. I pray for him because "I" need to find forgiveness for ME. I don't want to live angry and bitter, never trusting another human being. This disease would love to kill every good thing in me and I don't want to concede this battle to that hateful, despiteful disease.

JessicaNAJ