Just Cancelled Our Holiday Trip
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 29
Just Cancelled Our Holiday Trip
Well...much as I'd expected, our holiday plans have changed. It seems I never can plan anything (even as simple as dinner), with an active alcoholic in the family. For the first time in years, my AH and I have a week off at the same time. So I thought it might be nice for us to go to WV to visit his family, who will all be converging there for Christmas. He jumped at the idea, and we started making plans. I was also going to get to stop and see a couple of very good friends on our trip back.
Pretty soon, it became obvious that he was choosing to drink rather than help with the preparations for the trip. I started to feel the crunch of getting everything taken care of so we can go. He made things even worse by being bluntly honest with our neighbor about bringing her dog over to our house last night (who peed on my AH's coat), causing her to leave abruptly. She is the one who was going to take care of our pets while we were away. She is a good friend, as well. I doubt she's going to want to care for our pets now.
He spent his first day off of work today mostly in bed, not attempting to do any of the things I'd asked him to take care of (I had to work all 3 of my jobs today.) So, when I got home, I started to question him sarcastically, and I could feel a rant coming on. Instead, I realized that we don't HAVE to go on this trip. We are driving, and have no reservations or anything. I realized that I don't HAVE to be responsible for getting him to WV (1200 miles drive!) to see his family. I realized that I'd be resentful for having done all the work to get ready to go, and walking on eggshells the whole time, waiting for him to do or say something awful while in his cups with his family. I realized I'd have to do all the driving. I realized that this didn't sound like much of a vacation. So I told him he should just call his folks and tell them we won't be coming. Of course, he can drive himself out there in his little car (which probably won't make the trip), but I don't have to be his chauffeur. His folks will be disappointed, and I'm sure that when (if?) he comes out of his drunken stupor and deep depression, he'll regret not going...but I realized that neither of these situations is MY fault. He is a big boy and could get out there to see them if that's what he wants. He could have cooperated in the planning and preparations, and not chosen to remain drunk instead.
So...this time, instead of carrying through with plans because I feel "committed", I am going to bow out, and let him do what he wants to do with his vacation. I am not stopping him from going. I am not taking on the responsibility of dragging him there and resenting him for his lack of help. I will spend my vacation relaxing, caring for my OWN pets, and doing some things I want to do. Maybe I'll go and see those two friends on my own (they live a lot closer to us than WV, and I could do it for a weekend trip myself.) I will try not to feel guilty for any of the results of this decision. And I will try to stand my ground when he wakes up tomorrow and acts as if nothing has happened, and throws me the "I'm sorry's". And later, when he gets angry at me for ruining the trip that was MY idea to begin with. And later still, when he crawls back into his hole for the duration of his vacation. I will try to enjoy myself and not feel bad or responsible for his disappointment. Is that too cruel?
Feeling relieved already, but a few pangs of guilt that I'm trying to fight off!
Pretty soon, it became obvious that he was choosing to drink rather than help with the preparations for the trip. I started to feel the crunch of getting everything taken care of so we can go. He made things even worse by being bluntly honest with our neighbor about bringing her dog over to our house last night (who peed on my AH's coat), causing her to leave abruptly. She is the one who was going to take care of our pets while we were away. She is a good friend, as well. I doubt she's going to want to care for our pets now.
He spent his first day off of work today mostly in bed, not attempting to do any of the things I'd asked him to take care of (I had to work all 3 of my jobs today.) So, when I got home, I started to question him sarcastically, and I could feel a rant coming on. Instead, I realized that we don't HAVE to go on this trip. We are driving, and have no reservations or anything. I realized that I don't HAVE to be responsible for getting him to WV (1200 miles drive!) to see his family. I realized that I'd be resentful for having done all the work to get ready to go, and walking on eggshells the whole time, waiting for him to do or say something awful while in his cups with his family. I realized I'd have to do all the driving. I realized that this didn't sound like much of a vacation. So I told him he should just call his folks and tell them we won't be coming. Of course, he can drive himself out there in his little car (which probably won't make the trip), but I don't have to be his chauffeur. His folks will be disappointed, and I'm sure that when (if?) he comes out of his drunken stupor and deep depression, he'll regret not going...but I realized that neither of these situations is MY fault. He is a big boy and could get out there to see them if that's what he wants. He could have cooperated in the planning and preparations, and not chosen to remain drunk instead.
So...this time, instead of carrying through with plans because I feel "committed", I am going to bow out, and let him do what he wants to do with his vacation. I am not stopping him from going. I am not taking on the responsibility of dragging him there and resenting him for his lack of help. I will spend my vacation relaxing, caring for my OWN pets, and doing some things I want to do. Maybe I'll go and see those two friends on my own (they live a lot closer to us than WV, and I could do it for a weekend trip myself.) I will try not to feel guilty for any of the results of this decision. And I will try to stand my ground when he wakes up tomorrow and acts as if nothing has happened, and throws me the "I'm sorry's". And later, when he gets angry at me for ruining the trip that was MY idea to begin with. And later still, when he crawls back into his hole for the duration of his vacation. I will try to enjoy myself and not feel bad or responsible for his disappointment. Is that too cruel?
Feeling relieved already, but a few pangs of guilt that I'm trying to fight off!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
ByAThread, that is one of the most awesome posts I have ever read here.
Don't you dare feel guilty and no, nothing you're doing is cruel.
You're being fair...to yourself.
That is a beautiful thing.
I hope you have a wonderful week doing the things that make you happy.
That's called taking care of yourself.
Way to go.
Don't you dare feel guilty and no, nothing you're doing is cruel.
You're being fair...to yourself.
That is a beautiful thing.
I hope you have a wonderful week doing the things that make you happy.
That's called taking care of yourself.
Way to go.
Life is what you make it!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: The boonies, Wisconsin
Posts: 43
BYATHREAD, It sounds like our husbands could be brothers. I can relate to everything you said! From the rudeness to the neighbors to driving him around. I would do exactly as you are, and stick to it. This is YOUR vacation too! Don't feel one bit guilty. Hope you enjoy your time away 
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
This may sound mean, but I had two thoughts:
1) I wonder if I could teach my dog that trick... to only a select few coats of course.
2) Good for you! Maybe a plane ticket for HIM to visit his family for Christmas so you could have some serenity during your vacation...
Don't feel guilty for setting and sticking to your boundaries, I think you're doing great!
1) I wonder if I could teach my dog that trick... to only a select few coats of course.
2) Good for you! Maybe a plane ticket for HIM to visit his family for Christmas so you could have some serenity during your vacation...
Don't feel guilty for setting and sticking to your boundaries, I think you're doing great!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 29
Thank you all for posting positively...I awoke this AM to a call from his mom, asking when we would be leaving...(more guilt!)...I told her we probably wouldn't be leaving, and explained he is drunk as a skunk, and how I didn't think dragging him there would be a very good choice. She totally understood, and said I had some valid points for not coming...she said, "Why don't you come?" but I really don't want to drive that far alone, to have to explain to the rest of the family why he didn't come...if I go anywhere, it will be to see my friends or brother. I was thankful she understood, and SO thankful to hear from all of you that I'm not being too harsh! I will keep trying to stand strong on this, and the rest of the issues the week will bring (when he's off of work, there's always trouble.) Now I just need to learn to make these kinds of decisions ALL of the time, instead of once in a while! Usually I'm a wimp, and settle for the unsettling. Thank you all so much for being there with the response I needed to feel I'd done the right thing. I'll be in touch!
Barb
Barb
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
ByaThread - pretty incredible recovery you have there. I admire you.
I also would be tempted to leave for the week to avoid the inevitable chaos. Maybe you could find a good deal on a cabin near a lake somewhere with no phones... just three or four days with nature, the quiet water, a book and some peace.
Ah hell... now I've gone and made myself jealous, and I'm not even ON vacation... or near a lake... or anything!
I also would be tempted to leave for the week to avoid the inevitable chaos. Maybe you could find a good deal on a cabin near a lake somewhere with no phones... just three or four days with nature, the quiet water, a book and some peace.
Ah hell... now I've gone and made myself jealous, and I'm not even ON vacation... or near a lake... or anything!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: MN
Posts: 29
BigSis...the cabin sounds nice, but I'm afraid at this time of year here, the lakes are frozen, the cabins don't have heat and it's about 5 degrees right now! BUT...I WILL do some things for me that are fun this vacation, even if it's right here in our little town! Thanks again, guys, for your affirmations! Talked to one of my good friends this AM who "gets it", and she said next time HER husband wants her to go to CA with him, and do all the prep work, etc., she just might say no too! My hubster isn't up yet (he's TIRED, after all), and I'm a bit anxious about his reaction to reality when he DOES rise, but I'm sticking to the point that it's not ME who cancelled the trip...it's HIS choices that cancelled it. I'm just choosing not to be a part of it this time. Keep your fingers crossed for me to have patience, be neutral and walk away, if necessary!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
When I read your thread title, I knew exactly what you were going to talk about. I knew exactly how you are feeling, and I just shook my head thinking ... yeah, thats the way it is with an active alcoholic... been there , done that , and I feel ya.
I remember how I cant ever keep a schedule or plan for anything even as simple as dinner with my ex, would blow me away! Only so late in the end did I realize it was cause she was an alcoholic still active, I thought she was just the flakest person I ever met or something hahaaa
Anyhow, wish you the best.
I remember how I cant ever keep a schedule or plan for anything even as simple as dinner with my ex, would blow me away! Only so late in the end did I realize it was cause she was an alcoholic still active, I thought she was just the flakest person I ever met or something hahaaa
Anyhow, wish you the best.
Honk if you're a codie!
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: State of Codependency
Posts: 121
Great job ByAThread,
When I realized that I could never ever plan something with my xAH I realized I was better off on my own. He would agree to something then when the time came he would be too tired or not in the mood. I finally figured out that I had to do something for ME and go out and enjoy life.
Good for you! Stay strong.
When I realized that I could never ever plan something with my xAH I realized I was better off on my own. He would agree to something then when the time came he would be too tired or not in the mood. I finally figured out that I had to do something for ME and go out and enjoy life.
Good for you! Stay strong.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
