Separating After Christmas
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Separating After Christmas
After a lot of careful thinking, professional counselling and agonising I have decided I can no longer allow my AH to control my life and that of my children.
He has always drunk but for the last 2 or 3 years his drinking has spiralled to a level that I can no longer tolerate. He drinks lunchtimes at work, afternoons, on the way home & all evening at home. By the time he goes to bed he is drunk, every day, sometimes OK drunk, sometimes vitriolic, verbally abusive drunk. He is unpredicatble, moody, verbally aggressive & a pain to be around (sure you've all BTDT). I have decided that it is not fair on my sons to be subjected to the chaos that is our home life. As far as they are concerned this is normal life - they have had no other - sad to say my childhood was similar & I want to stop this cycle now.
I have told him before that I want to split & have told him twice now that after Christmas we will be splitting and that I have sort legal advice. Problem is he ignores me. My solicitor has suggested that I tell him that I want to split & back it up with a letter from him. AH tells me I couldn't possible be so stupid as to split up - he really isn't that bad. He blames the bad influence of my friends (who are trying to support me) and just denies the whole thing start to finish (including that he has a very serious drink problem).
He varies from laughing at me (he found a book I was reading on Verbally Abuse Relationships and spent the whole day checking if he was abusing me & thinking he was very funny) to telling me he loves me to accusing me of stealing money from our bank account, which is why we are broke (he refuses to acknowledge how much his drinking costs us).
Has anyone else had similar problems with getting their AH to realise that they have had enough. He has offered to buy me sexy lingerie for Christmas - I could scream. I suppose he isn't going to take any notice of this until the day me and the kids walk out of the door.
I know in a way I am hoping he will acknowledge what is going on and promise to change and beg me to stay etc - but the truth (and I have worked hard on accepting this) is that he isn't going to change & I need to get me & my kids away from him.
He has always drunk but for the last 2 or 3 years his drinking has spiralled to a level that I can no longer tolerate. He drinks lunchtimes at work, afternoons, on the way home & all evening at home. By the time he goes to bed he is drunk, every day, sometimes OK drunk, sometimes vitriolic, verbally abusive drunk. He is unpredicatble, moody, verbally aggressive & a pain to be around (sure you've all BTDT). I have decided that it is not fair on my sons to be subjected to the chaos that is our home life. As far as they are concerned this is normal life - they have had no other - sad to say my childhood was similar & I want to stop this cycle now.
I have told him before that I want to split & have told him twice now that after Christmas we will be splitting and that I have sort legal advice. Problem is he ignores me. My solicitor has suggested that I tell him that I want to split & back it up with a letter from him. AH tells me I couldn't possible be so stupid as to split up - he really isn't that bad. He blames the bad influence of my friends (who are trying to support me) and just denies the whole thing start to finish (including that he has a very serious drink problem).
He varies from laughing at me (he found a book I was reading on Verbally Abuse Relationships and spent the whole day checking if he was abusing me & thinking he was very funny) to telling me he loves me to accusing me of stealing money from our bank account, which is why we are broke (he refuses to acknowledge how much his drinking costs us).
Has anyone else had similar problems with getting their AH to realise that they have had enough. He has offered to buy me sexy lingerie for Christmas - I could scream. I suppose he isn't going to take any notice of this until the day me and the kids walk out of the door.
I know in a way I am hoping he will acknowledge what is going on and promise to change and beg me to stay etc - but the truth (and I have worked hard on accepting this) is that he isn't going to change & I need to get me & my kids away from him.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Loopylou
I have decided that it is not fair on my sons to be subjected to the chaos that is our home life. As far as they are concerned this is normal life - they have had no other - sad to say my childhood was similar & I want to stop this cycle now.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Sounds like you are detaching with love...no, he will not change, until he ready...some
people are never ready.
This is a horrible disease, one that robs ones soul, one that affects the entire family, one that erodes every fiber of the relationship.
Keep being strong, you are headed in the right direction, for you and your children.
Dolly
people are never ready.
This is a horrible disease, one that robs ones soul, one that affects the entire family, one that erodes every fiber of the relationship.
Keep being strong, you are headed in the right direction, for you and your children.
Dolly
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Hi Loopylou, I am sorry life has gotten so chaotic for you and the kids. I aggree with you that if he is verbally abusing you that it is time to think about leaving. My ex fom 18 years ago was verbally abusive. The verbal is the worst form of abuse in my opinion. It wears ya down. If it is effecting the boys it is not fair to them to stay. I made the boundry with my husband not to drink in or around the house. At least he always covered up his drinking with a bunch of mints, garlic, cough drops. It is pathetic but he was thinking of the kids. I hope you can find some peace soon. I will say a prayer for you today, With love,
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Yes Idget physical is very bad too. Self esteem gets so bad with verbal. Though with many relationships the verbal and physical abuse go hand in hand. Unfortunately, with many people once the mental abuse goes on for a time they think they are unworthy of real good love and stay. This has nothing to do with your situation Loopylou just in general now. I guess we highjacked Idget LOL. I love your 2 cents
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 34
Thanks for the encouragement. I will be sorting out this mess after Christmas. We are going away for the week tomorrow and he is at present out drinking with some old friends (he has taken the afternoon off work). As usual I have trapsed round shopping centres, chosen, bought, wrapped all the presents etc while he concerns himself with have Christmas drinks at work - this has been going on since mid November. Tonight I will pack the car etc & he will arrive home at some point drunk & irritable.
He is never going to change - its sad to think that my children, all of us, have to go through so much, including the upheaval of a separation because he feels that he is entitled to behave the way he does and that he isn't that bad. BTW he congratulates himself on not being physically abusive & says he is not verbally abusive it's just that I'm too sensitive & can't take a joke.
My kids are aware that their dad drinks too much & find him embarrassing - that is when he is not screaming & shouting & being irritable & irrational with them.
I know I am making the right decision & that I will look back on this & past Christmases, weekends, holidays etc & breathe a sigh of relief - I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but I resent all the anguish he puts us through. I have deliberated for months, years about separation & what is the best thing to do for our sons I really feel frustrated & down.
He is never going to change - its sad to think that my children, all of us, have to go through so much, including the upheaval of a separation because he feels that he is entitled to behave the way he does and that he isn't that bad. BTW he congratulates himself on not being physically abusive & says he is not verbally abusive it's just that I'm too sensitive & can't take a joke.
My kids are aware that their dad drinks too much & find him embarrassing - that is when he is not screaming & shouting & being irritable & irrational with them.
I know I am making the right decision & that I will look back on this & past Christmases, weekends, holidays etc & breathe a sigh of relief - I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but I resent all the anguish he puts us through. I have deliberated for months, years about separation & what is the best thing to do for our sons I really feel frustrated & down.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Looplou,
Yes my friend, I too have been there. I have a book about controlling and abusive men that he used to pick up, and follow me around the house with, reciting verbatim but in a sarcastic tone. He blamed my friends, family, 12-step programs, and even the dog.
As for congratulating himself becuase he never was physically violent, that is quaint. Mine used to say, well at least I never hurt you that bad.
No point in trying to understand the thought process of someone in active addiction!
Sounds like you have your wits about you and for that I am happy. Its never wise to leave in a huff or when under emotional diress, IMO. Panic does not promote constructive problem solving skills.
Good for you, and please stick around
Yes my friend, I too have been there. I have a book about controlling and abusive men that he used to pick up, and follow me around the house with, reciting verbatim but in a sarcastic tone. He blamed my friends, family, 12-step programs, and even the dog.
As for congratulating himself becuase he never was physically violent, that is quaint. Mine used to say, well at least I never hurt you that bad.
No point in trying to understand the thought process of someone in active addiction!
Sounds like you have your wits about you and for that I am happy. Its never wise to leave in a huff or when under emotional diress, IMO. Panic does not promote constructive problem solving skills.
Good for you, and please stick around
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: texas
Posts: 35
Loppylou, have a safe and very peaceful trip. Is'nt it amazing how most of them are the same when they are either verbally or physically abusive. When verbally they will use everything and anything to degrade you about and not think twice about it. You get to the point where you don't care anymore and you also get to the point when they become verbally abusive with you and your child, where you are ready to "move on" no matter what. Keep posting you would be suprised how many of us there are and how many have yet to begin the journey!!
Doubletime
Doubletime
Grateful Member!
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Shampoohorn City
Posts: 246
Across the pond and in the same boat. January 1, for a myriad of reasons, is the date in my head for action. My AH will either move out or go inpatient. I have to get myself and my sons off of this rollercoster ride, it's all chills and no thrills! Best of luck to you Loppylou, I hope you are able to draw as much strength from your boys as I do mine. It is a vicious cycle and I commend you for breaking it.
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