mylifenow

hello, i've been needing a place like this for several years. I've been dealing with a son that started secretly drinking at about age 14, he's changed this alot but i think this is correct, that is when he's behavior really went south. Now he's 24 and really really changed...I'd like to talk about this and what i've done to "unhook"...thanks.

robina

Hello Mylife:

Welcome to SR. You will find a great deal of help, comfort, and wisdom here.

My 22 year old daughter is an active alcoholic. I have experienced the gut wrenching anxiety, fear and anger of watching her do terrible damage to herself with alcohol.

It is hard to live with any alcoholic family member, but it is especially heart wrenching to see this happen to your child.

The good news is that you can have peace of mind and serenity, even if the alcoholic continues to drink. I have learned that I can't control this disease, and I can't cure her, and I didn't cause it (this one is especially important for parents to understand)

What has been happening with your son? Is he is some kind of treament? Does he attend AA?

keep coming back

Robin

Gabe

Hiya MyLife
Welcome, glad you found us.
I'd love to hear about the ways you found to unhook.
Bring it on.

mylifenow

i am not sure i'm posting right, so just will start and say thanks for your replies to my post, and for these encouraging words. if i weren't so confused i'd being bawling my eyes out, i'm so tired of being tired and scared and angry and hurt...i guess i've done all my crying...

Gabe

You're doing just fine with your posting.
And believe it or not, crying is good for you.
It gets whats on the inside out.

robina

Keep coming back.

I felt that way at the beginning, but I'm getting better now.

Robin

FormerDoormat

Welcome MyLife. Tell us what's been happening in your life. We're all ears.

mylifenow

thanks, robina, i'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. Sounds much like watching my son destroy his life. I had spinal injury/surgery/long rehab when he was almost 16 and he would not help me even get out of my chair. He put my walker far away where I couldn't get it, then the cane up on the ceiling fan. I was single parent. I had to call social services and place him in foster. During that, the foster mother allowed "her boys" to stay out til 11pm and smoke and drink i found out, and they all got in trouble for skipping school, which he'd never done before. He came back but never was the same. He didn't run around; no, he never left the house and nobody could make him do anything. I tried everything, even the safe patrol. He couldn't care less. Then the state i was in passed a law that 17 year olds could leave school despite parental protest. So I told him, not in school, you have to leave. I thought that'd wake him up, instead he went to live down the street. What could I do? After about 8 months of that he wanted to "try" coming home. I was besides myself and said Yippee! Within 1 week he was sullen, up all night, into my purse. I told him to leave. When he said he didn't have anywhere to go, I said, sorry. He did find a friend's couch to flop on, but stubbornly kept up his routine and never stayed in touch. Then he said he was freaked out with his life going by, at about age 18, went for his g.e.d., and joined the service. To which, less than a year later, went "awol" while at training and was discharged, i still don't know status. Lots of advance $ to pay back. This was nearly 4 years ago. Upon discharge, he stayed with me, now married, and 2 weeks in, he was again sullen, up all night, dirty, and upon pushing into his "room", our 2nd br, find a baggie with white powder in it. He began jumping up and down on the bed by a huge window and my h wrestled him to the floor...kicked him out in the middle of the night. Should have called police, but knew he had people he could call to flop on the couch. Didn't hear from him for nearly a year, but knew where he was, working on and off with h.
Since then, he met up with this girl at a party and they moved inthe next day, they say. She drinks on weekends (binge), he drinks now every day I think. They cover for each other. THey don't return calls and when I did visit, the place was a utter pigstye with catbox about ayear old. Then the bird had 2 awful "accidents", and I do believe my son killed the bird. It was the look on his face and the way he was laughing about it. Suddenly I was afraid of my own son. And I haven't been back inside their place.
Late September I got a call to please help them move. I didn't want to, but felt maybe he's turning around. I get there and he's as sullen as ever, ordering me about. I warned him. He came back out and was worse. I told them to get the boxes out of my car I had to leave. I finally had to do it, then he pushed me aside and slammed the back win/door so hard it broke. So I drove away and have not heard from him since, altho I emailed the insurance info, etc.
He needs glasses; goes without now for over 2 years. He is wearing clothes from over 5 years ago. He is finally working fulltime with her, at a temporary job. He's not in college. She's graduating and saying she's leaving. I dn't know what else to do, except stay away and hope for the best. Maybe because another Christmas is coming (which he refused since about age 11 to participate in, saying it is stupid), and he is in this state of mind. Everything is my or my husband's fault. I know this is crap. I dn't go to meetings, don't go out at night in dead winter due to spine...
I know I've done the right thing by "standing firm" against verbal physical and emotional abuse with this kid, and of course, lots of factors, but hey, we all have to decide to lay down or get up, right? That's the story. Nothing new, i appreciate your support...many many sleepless nights and nightmares, but not so much anymore. Actually, I can hardly see his face in my mind's eye anymore nor hear his voice, and that is really frightening to me. thanks, blessings.

Gabe

Yep, we do.
But it's not easy, not by a long shot.
Especially when it's your son you're talking about.
Letting go is one of the hardest things there is to do.
That's why it helps to have other people to talk to about it.
Keep coming back My Life.
There are lots of people here who understand what you're going through.

mylifenow

Yes, Gabe, that is it...all my life as a mother, loving, hoping, now all that is over, my love and hope must be "silent" within me and my prayers. Thanks for this support tonight. I must sign off now, didn't expect to come across this great place on my first "search"...back on tomorrow after 8pmcst. peace

mylifenow

thank you again

FormerDoormat

Thanks for sharing your story, MyLife. The alcoholic in my life is my boyfriend of 23 years. It's hard enough coping with an alcoholic partner. I can't imagine the pain involved with having an alcoholic child. My heart goes out to you. I understand that you can't easily attend Alanon meetings. While it's not the same as face to face meetings, I find SoberRecovery every bit as valuable as Alanon meetings.

Another thing I've found immensely helpful was reading Melody Beatty's books "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go." Also, the AA Big Book is helpful, too, in that it can help you better understand the hold that alcohol and/or drugs have over our addicts.

So glad you found this forum.

robina

Mylife:

I hear such anguish in your post.

You are in the right place. You will find incredible support, love, and kindness here.

We know how you feel, and I can tell you from experience that you can find peace of mind. It will take time, but you can heal and find happiness and serenity. Its happening for me.

I attend Al-anon meetings as much as three times a week. I find that so very helpful and healing. have you ever attended an Al-anon meeting?

Love

Robin

gelfling

Hi My...

My son is 25 and recovering. He'll celebrate his 1 year anniversary the 20th of this month. You're an awfully strong lady. You took the necessary steps to help yourself and that's an amazing process.

Do you attend alanon meetings? They're great. Take your husband with you. And keep on working on yourself.

CarolD

You are doing the right thing. Hugs

I cut my 2 adult children out of my life when they were in their late 20's.
I had dealt with their various addictions for 10 years and they were driving me insane.
I also began drinking heavily to dull the pain.

Now...20 years later..
My son has been missing for 9 years.
I moved and could not find him to tell him
He was 'riding the rails' then.
I pray he is well and happy.

My daughter and I spoke this morning.
She says she is clean and sober...and did sound like it is true.
I am in AA...sober and serene.

I turned to God and asked for healing for the 3 of us.

I know your pain...and I know you can survive with His help.

Blessings....