goffredo

Dear all

I have already posted this in the Nar-anon forum so apologies to those who have already read it. I'm posting here as well to get as much imput as I can.

I'm feeling very sad. Last night (second night in a row) I started to talk to my partner about feeling sad about my dad passing away, this time of the year two years ago because of alcoholism. I was looking for some emotional support, reassurance and comfort. My partner's body language was: "here we go again" kind of thing, not warm or encouraging in any way. She said there was nothing she could do and hoped this sad period would be over and done with! I was so hurt and today I'm angry, disappointed and resentful. I feel like she wants me to put a smiling mask on my face and not be so heavy, sad, depressing "all the times"! She is an alcoholic/addict been in recovery for 90 days, so I guess this shouldn't surprise me or upset me, but it does. I think of all the times i have listened to her sad stories (whether she was drunk or not) til the early hours of the morning, but now i feel like I have to pretend. I know I should let go but can't right now, somehow I want to make the point of it but don't want to argue. Any advice? Love, Jo

robina

Dear Jo,

I am terribly sorry for your loss. It is a sad occasion when we lose a parent. My dad passed away years ago and I still think of him.

(Hugs)

Something we learn in Al-anon is that you don't go to a hardware store for bread, and you should not expect an alcoholic to be emotionally available. Do you have friends, or family members, or other supportive people (Al-anon group) that you can talk to? It helps so much to share your feelings with others. It makes the pain easier to bear.

Keep coming back.

Robin

12345678

I am sorry to hear about your dad. Recovering alchoholics go through many stages of emotions. My boyfriend is in rehab for cocaine and alchohol addiction. I find he is angry, sad, emotions bottled up inside him. I feel I can't talk to him about anything. I find writing letters is the best way to get through sometimes. You are leaving them with the choice to be involved or uninvoled. Keep you head up high. Things will work out.

Sincerely Numbers

Zoey

It won't be the same as having a partner listen, but a Grief Group can be a big help.
Many of us need to do the three T's, Talk, talk and more talk. Tears, tears and more tears, Time, time and more time. A Grief Group will understand.
I am so sorry for your lose, HUGS

Minx1969

Hey Jo,

Sorry to hear about your loss..As many smart people already said, you can't always get all your needs met in a relationship with an alcoholic (I'd add..in any relationship..you won't get all your needs met).

You've been given some good suggestions..Alanon is a great support group, grief group or a counsellor can all give you emotional support..

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic when my brother committed suicide 6 years ago..He tried to break up with me after the funeral..go figure..

anyway, I found support through other sources and made it through.

Sometimes I find that journalling about my feelings helps me..

Hug,

Minx

rookknight65

Hey Jo, I'm really sorry for your loss. I can totally identify with a loss around the holidays. I lost my stepdad on Dec 23rs, 1991. We were close and it always sucks. My AGF is so totally emotionally unavailable. I'm not surprised that this is such a common thing among alcoholics. It's frustrating when intelligent people can't see that they hurt us when they fail to respond appropriately.(notice i didnt say "the way we feel they should"). It's a really tough time of the year to be alone, especially when you have someone around. I'm glad I found this little community here for those of us emotionally abandoned. Big hugs to you.

FormerDoormat

Evening Jo:

One thing I've learned from Alanon and SoberRecovery is that sometimes we have to ask for what we need. We assume our partners should instinctively know what we need or want, but how can they really know what's in our hearts and in our minds?

I realize that active alcoholics tend to be emotionally unavailable, but I've learned recently that isn't always the case. So how about you try a different approach?

Try saying, "I know you're uncomfortable with my feelings of grief over the loss of my father, but tonight I really need some emotional support, reassurance, and comfort." And then follow that with more specific needs, like "I need to talk about my father for a few minutes and then I could really use a hug or to be held close."

You might just get a different response this time. It's worth a try.

susane1408

Very, very good advice FD, none of us are mindreaders (I think!) let alone some-one suffering from alcoholism.

goffredo

thank you all for your replies and support. I regularly go to Alanon and I'm grateful it exists as it is slowly restoring me to sanity. I have realised that my partner cannot give me everything I need and it's ok to turn to different people for different things. I have managed to let go, I'm not resentful or angry with her today. A particular thank you goes to Idget who suggested I write a letter to my dad. I did so last night and afterwards I felt so good, so peaceful and loving. Thank you to me too for letting my HP give me the serenity I need. The mpre I am opened to accept my HP in my life, the better it gets. Love to you all and may your HP grant you the serenity.