The saga continues....and some good news
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
The saga continues....and some good news
HI ALL!!! Did you miss me?
I haven't been here in a couple weeks (it seems longer) partly because I was tired of coming here and complaining about everything that is wrong and what wasn't going my way. I'm sure you all were tired of hearing about it to
But I miss'd ya. So here I am saying "Hi!"
Anyway....not much has changed, except my attitude. G is still doing his same old same old. For two weeks he decided he wasn't going to answer his phone. He put it on silent so people in his apartment building wouldn't hear it and ask him to use it...and he didn't want to answer the bill collectors and he was trying to avoid his land lady b/c he couldn't pay her and he might be getting evicted and yes, I heard the sob story that he's about to loose everything (WHATEVER). Normally he'd see that I would call and call me back. But Not the last two weeks. I was driving myself insane. Totally bogged down with emotion. I was mad, upset, hurt, you name it...I felt it. Well, it really started interferring with my kids. I was trying so hard to be calm infront of them. But my anxiety got the best of my and I got the point I felt I was loosing it....constantly yelling at them...totally going overboard. I had talked to G within these two weeks and told him I thought it was rude of him to not answer or call back....both of which he explained why. OH...let me add too that I was p'd off b/c he hadn't come to see the kids (like I said, same ole, same ole.)
SO....Sunday night I had a revelation. I realized my "loss of control" was due to my lack of control. I made a decision.....
When he finally called me Monday I asked him if he was trying to drive me crazy (because I had no control over myself, right), was he trying to drive me insane? That this is what him not answering his phone or calling me back was doing to me. Then I said "Wait...You're not doing this to me, I'm doing it to myself. You know what? From here on out, I'm not going to call you, I'm not going to ask you for anything. You can do whatever the hell you want. I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm going crazy. All loving you has EVER done was hurt me. I can't do it anymore." Then I asked him if he knew, or even cared that I've woken up in the middle of the night crying because of him. NOW he changes his tune!!! He said, "I didn't know you still cared. I thought you didn't want to be with me. How am I supposed to know how you feel when you don't tell me anything?" He has a point, but if he'd listen close enough, he would have heard me. I don't need to connect the dots with him. Does he think my actions are for my health? That when I call him, I'm looking for some kind of sign that he wants to get better, that he wants to take care of his family, that he wants to put us first in his life. But that all I get is disappointment and I am NOT doing that anymore. I told him he can move on. I'm tired and can't do this anymore. I also told him that he was right, I don't want to be with the person he is right now.
Here's the shocker (sarcasm).....now he wants to be nice. Guess what? I'm not going into that cycle again. See, he'd show me the side of him I want to be with and I would forget how much pain I've felt because of his selfishness and his drinking. Not this time. I'm not getting sucked in. I even called today to see how much it would cost to file for divorce. I'm 90% ready. But I want to be prepared for when the day comes that I will be 100% ready. I know things won't get better....and I'm preparing myself to make that ultimate decision.
It's not that I don't love him and it's not that I don't care....but I love myself and my kids much much more. So me and my kids are now my first priority.
Guess what???? I GOT A RAISE!!!! I told my bosses I was going to put in for another position in another office and they went to the Sheriff and basically told him they didn't want to loose me. The Sheriff told me I wasn't going anywere, that I was too valuable and he would adjust my salarly accordingly. SEEE.....I AM WORTH SOMETHING! YEA!!!!
Love you guys
I haven't been here in a couple weeks (it seems longer) partly because I was tired of coming here and complaining about everything that is wrong and what wasn't going my way. I'm sure you all were tired of hearing about it to
But I miss'd ya. So here I am saying "Hi!"
Anyway....not much has changed, except my attitude. G is still doing his same old same old. For two weeks he decided he wasn't going to answer his phone. He put it on silent so people in his apartment building wouldn't hear it and ask him to use it...and he didn't want to answer the bill collectors and he was trying to avoid his land lady b/c he couldn't pay her and he might be getting evicted and yes, I heard the sob story that he's about to loose everything (WHATEVER). Normally he'd see that I would call and call me back. But Not the last two weeks. I was driving myself insane. Totally bogged down with emotion. I was mad, upset, hurt, you name it...I felt it. Well, it really started interferring with my kids. I was trying so hard to be calm infront of them. But my anxiety got the best of my and I got the point I felt I was loosing it....constantly yelling at them...totally going overboard. I had talked to G within these two weeks and told him I thought it was rude of him to not answer or call back....both of which he explained why. OH...let me add too that I was p'd off b/c he hadn't come to see the kids (like I said, same ole, same ole.)
SO....Sunday night I had a revelation. I realized my "loss of control" was due to my lack of control. I made a decision.....
When he finally called me Monday I asked him if he was trying to drive me crazy (because I had no control over myself, right), was he trying to drive me insane? That this is what him not answering his phone or calling me back was doing to me. Then I said "Wait...You're not doing this to me, I'm doing it to myself. You know what? From here on out, I'm not going to call you, I'm not going to ask you for anything. You can do whatever the hell you want. I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm going crazy. All loving you has EVER done was hurt me. I can't do it anymore." Then I asked him if he knew, or even cared that I've woken up in the middle of the night crying because of him. NOW he changes his tune!!! He said, "I didn't know you still cared. I thought you didn't want to be with me. How am I supposed to know how you feel when you don't tell me anything?" He has a point, but if he'd listen close enough, he would have heard me. I don't need to connect the dots with him. Does he think my actions are for my health? That when I call him, I'm looking for some kind of sign that he wants to get better, that he wants to take care of his family, that he wants to put us first in his life. But that all I get is disappointment and I am NOT doing that anymore. I told him he can move on. I'm tired and can't do this anymore. I also told him that he was right, I don't want to be with the person he is right now.
Here's the shocker (sarcasm).....now he wants to be nice. Guess what? I'm not going into that cycle again. See, he'd show me the side of him I want to be with and I would forget how much pain I've felt because of his selfishness and his drinking. Not this time. I'm not getting sucked in. I even called today to see how much it would cost to file for divorce. I'm 90% ready. But I want to be prepared for when the day comes that I will be 100% ready. I know things won't get better....and I'm preparing myself to make that ultimate decision.
It's not that I don't love him and it's not that I don't care....but I love myself and my kids much much more. So me and my kids are now my first priority.
Guess what???? I GOT A RAISE!!!! I told my bosses I was going to put in for another position in another office and they went to the Sheriff and basically told him they didn't want to loose me. The Sheriff told me I wasn't going anywere, that I was too valuable and he would adjust my salarly accordingly. SEEE.....I AM WORTH SOMETHING! YEA!!!!
Love you guys
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Jess..there you are.....so happy to hear that you are seeing in you what we all have seen for a long time now....That is fantastic news about your raise...
What a wonderful way to start the new year.
Don't stay away so long.....
What a wonderful way to start the new year.
Don't stay away so long.....
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
There you are I have been wondering where you were. I am never tired of hearing about your life and I'm sure others feel the same way. Never feel that way. Wonderful news about your raise. It is hard I imagine, to not hear from your husband and have him not call to check on or visit the kids. You seem to have come far in your recovery. His trouble are his consequences and you didn't allow yourself to feel sorry for him. The loss of control is part of letting go and I am still working on it. I am very sorry that he isn't being kinder to the kids. Seems like when you told him to move on he changed his tune. I wish life was going better for you but is sounds like you actually have it covered. Let go and let God. Prayers out to you!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Chris, patty, minnie, FD and kerry....this is what its all about. Support and love. I know that no matter how long I'm away, or anyone else that comes to SR...there will be people like you (and me) to support and love. I wish I could give each of you a big ole hug...but for now I'll give you a cyber hug (((((((( )))))))) Everyone here has gotten me through some of my toughest times. And have helped me to learn alot about myself and my addiction to G. But I'm still truckin and I still walk down the street with my head held high.
Well...actually I do feel bad for him. But I can't help him....not anymore. His troubles are his consequences and as bad as it makes me feel, I have my own troubles to deal with. Trying to help him fix his just makes mine worse.
You said it....let go and let God.
You know, it's funny....the day I had my "realization" I said a prayer to my HP. I was really struggling...down, depressed, stressed, feeling very very unhappy. and Although things didn't change right away....my HP gave me the strength to see things through a clearer glass. All my woes were lifted....just for today (and yesterday and tomorrow ) I FEEL GREAT!!! And I also know that I don't EVER want to go down that road again. I pray my HP will give me to strength to do his will and to keep on keeping on.
and I still walk down the street with my head held high.
Originally Posted by reader
His trouble are his consequences and you didn't allow yourself to feel sorry for him.
You said it....let go and let God.
You know, it's funny....the day I had my "realization" I said a prayer to my HP. I was really struggling...down, depressed, stressed, feeling very very unhappy. and Although things didn't change right away....my HP gave me the strength to see things through a clearer glass. All my woes were lifted....just for today (and yesterday and tomorrow
) I FEEL GREAT!!! And I also know that I don't EVER want to go down that road again. I pray my HP will give me to strength to do his will and to keep on keeping on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Now I can put that extra money in savings so the next time he comes to me and says he can't the sitter, I'll have something to fall back on. I mean...what the heck, I pay for everything else!
Now I can put that extra money in savings so the next time he comes to me and says he can't the sitter, I'll have something to fall back on. I mean...what the heck, I pay for everything else!
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