How many chances to you give..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Cambridge, OH
Posts: 2
How many chances to you give..
I am new to this forum but not new living with an AH. We were married for 22 years divorced for 1 1/2 years than remarried. We were never actually apart. We divorced because of his drinking and he wanted his freedom. But he never went anywhere. He use to be able to control it but now it is effecting his health and his employment. He has changed jobs numerously in the last three years. He is never happy or satisfied with anything in his life. He has tried to quit over the years but he just doesn't really want to. My AH is a binge drinker. He use to go 6 months, than 3 months, once a month, now every two weeks, but lately sometimes twice a week. He has called off work numerous times to go drinking and this past Friday he went to work on third shift after drinking from 12:30p.m. to 7:00p.m. Do you think he was still drunk when he went to work? What's really scary is he is in law enforcement and knows what he is doing is wrong. But he doesn't care anymore. I know he doesn't care about me. He has blamed me for his drinking because he is unhappy being with me. He doesn't want to live with me but he doesn't want to leave. I have told him repeatedly that he can go. He always has excuses about leaving, no where to go, no money, etc.... He likes to disappear when he goes on a binge. I actually know the bar he goes to but what I mean he never lets me know he's going. I think that is how he gets a thrill. I have begged, screamed, threatened and ignored but it has not made a difference with him. He still blames me everytime. After a binge he will not talk to me for days.. He just started talking to me today after last Friday's binge. He is always very nasty and cocky. I keep telling myself that someday he will wake up, but I am the one who needs to wake up...
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome to SR RTW, pull up a chair and read the sticky notes at the top of the page. Lots of folks here who have been there done that. How many chances do you have? That's how many it could take. Only your H can decide when he wants to get sober and only you can decide when all your chances are used up. Stick around, read and post post post!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Heya RTW 
Of course he blames you.
The alternative would be to blame himself and he can't do that when he's deep in denial about his drinking problem.
So blame you he will - over and over and over again.
It's not your fault.
None of it.
He just needs to assign blame because he refuses to take it on himself.
Sounds like you're waking up already.
That's a good thing.
Awareness is the first step in the right direction.
Of course he blames you.
The alternative would be to blame himself and he can't do that when he's deep in denial about his drinking problem.
So blame you he will - over and over and over again.
It's not your fault.
None of it.
He just needs to assign blame because he refuses to take it on himself.
Sounds like you're waking up already.
That's a good thing.
Awareness is the first step in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Well, after all he IS protecting his addiction...
... and an addict will go to any lengths, blame anyone, anything, whatever, to protect their addiction. Of course he is miserable. If he accepted life on life's terms and began dealing with his issues, he would not have the need to self-medicate himself to numb out of reality.
I think more importantly here is you should ask yourself why you stay. What's in it for you? I would suggest Al-Anon and a darn good back-up plan so you don't get stuck in "victim-land" like I did. I'm finally wising up enough to have put money into a few mutual funds, a decent savings account, and have gotten my name on joint property, since I'm now living in a community property state.
I've listened to how I've always been such a b**** and how I tick him off when I say "certain things." Yeah, right. Blah, blah, blah. I finally figured out that my AH's anger, unhappiness, insecurity, whatever, has to do with HIM and was in place long before I came on the scene. I told him several month's ago, after he had gone on one of his diatribes, that if he was so f***ing unhappy, he should find a good divorce attorney ASAP or else shut up. Funny thing ... he pretty much has shut up!
Seriously, give Al-Anon a try. Go to meetings and find a few that work for you. Read the literature - it has a lot of good stuff to offer. Each of us is given one unique life to live that is our's and our's alone. Sometimes it gets to the point that it comes down to deciding whether we want to live it with a drunk or not ....
I think more importantly here is you should ask yourself why you stay. What's in it for you? I would suggest Al-Anon and a darn good back-up plan so you don't get stuck in "victim-land" like I did. I'm finally wising up enough to have put money into a few mutual funds, a decent savings account, and have gotten my name on joint property, since I'm now living in a community property state.
I've listened to how I've always been such a b**** and how I tick him off when I say "certain things." Yeah, right. Blah, blah, blah. I finally figured out that my AH's anger, unhappiness, insecurity, whatever, has to do with HIM and was in place long before I came on the scene. I told him several month's ago, after he had gone on one of his diatribes, that if he was so f***ing unhappy, he should find a good divorce attorney ASAP or else shut up. Funny thing ... he pretty much has shut up!
Seriously, give Al-Anon a try. Go to meetings and find a few that work for you. Read the literature - it has a lot of good stuff to offer. Each of us is given one unique life to live that is our's and our's alone. Sometimes it gets to the point that it comes down to deciding whether we want to live it with a drunk or not ....
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