Why?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Why?
Do I still find my damn self in unhealthy relationships? I just don't understand why at times I go back 200 steps. When will I finally get it? I make good changes in my life, but then I find myself right back to square one. The person in my life right now I care a whole lot about, hes a drinker, he smokes pot almost daily. What the hell?
Just venting....will I ever get it?
Just venting....will I ever get it?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
bonbon...
some of our tendancies are so deep...
so ingrained...
so rooted...
I've realized that I have certain tendancies...
but.. I'm also realizing I can head them off...
just by understanding them...
reading up on healthy and dysfunctional relationships...
about codependancy...
and pinpointing these behaviors in me really help me to idenify behaviors in others that trigger me...
and there will always be someone who will trigger me... because part of me is operating under my own radar.....
but.. I'm learning to identify the symptoms...
and make changes around that that change the dynamics of the whole thing...
so.. there is hope...
just keep seeking the answers and trying to understand...
the knowledge is out there.. .and it's not such a huge pill to swallow.. ;o)
glad your here.
some of our tendancies are so deep...
so ingrained...
so rooted...
I've realized that I have certain tendancies...
but.. I'm also realizing I can head them off...
just by understanding them...
reading up on healthy and dysfunctional relationships...
about codependancy...
and pinpointing these behaviors in me really help me to idenify behaviors in others that trigger me...
and there will always be someone who will trigger me... because part of me is operating under my own radar.....
but.. I'm learning to identify the symptoms...
and make changes around that that change the dynamics of the whole thing...
so.. there is hope...
just keep seeking the answers and trying to understand...
the knowledge is out there.. .and it's not such a huge pill to swallow.. ;o)
glad your here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Ok BonBon...not sure this is the right answer but here goes....
At least you are trying to get back on the horse....
I tried a date or two and still prefer to be alone
Gladly alone.....
I guess I am not ready yet.
Truth be told, I am afraid I will make another mistake.
Have you changed "people, places and things" yet?
I find myself backsliding sometimes to people and places
that I KNOW are detrimental to my well being....
I do gather the reins before I do something that I will regret....
I have at least enough recovery to do that...
Thank the lord......
Are you still going to Alanon?
Seeing a therapist?
Why not back up 200 steps and retrace your steps
Maybe you will find what went wrong along the way....
Recovery is a lifelong quest IMHO.....
Keep coming back and vent away, we are here for you.
At least you are trying to get back on the horse....
I tried a date or two and still prefer to be alone
Gladly alone.....
I guess I am not ready yet.
Truth be told, I am afraid I will make another mistake.
Have you changed "people, places and things" yet?
I find myself backsliding sometimes to people and places
that I KNOW are detrimental to my well being....
I do gather the reins before I do something that I will regret....
I have at least enough recovery to do that...
Thank the lord......
Are you still going to Alanon?
Seeing a therapist?
Why not back up 200 steps and retrace your steps
Maybe you will find what went wrong along the way....
Recovery is a lifelong quest IMHO.....
Keep coming back and vent away, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Bonbon 
I think we have to be very conscious of our choices.
Sometimes, we make choices without really thinking about what we're doing.
Or we use that famous Codie phrase "this time it'll be different".
If we are conscious about what we choose, we will not be disturbed/disappointed/troubled later on if things don't work out.
Bike is right about our tendencies being deep rooted.
And they can be lodged down there so deep that we aren't even aware of them.
Once we gain some awareness, we are on the way to better choices.
Will you ever get it?
You're already on your way Bon.
I think we have to be very conscious of our choices.
Sometimes, we make choices without really thinking about what we're doing.
Or we use that famous Codie phrase "this time it'll be different".
If we are conscious about what we choose, we will not be disturbed/disappointed/troubled later on if things don't work out.
Bike is right about our tendencies being deep rooted.
And they can be lodged down there so deep that we aren't even aware of them.
Once we gain some awareness, we are on the way to better choices.
Will you ever get it?
You're already on your way Bon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Bonbon,
Sometimes the right thing to do..is not the easiest thing to do..
For me, the right thing to do was to stay away from someone I loved deeply because he and his drinking were toxic to me..
It meant that when I saw red flags in an attractive man, that I paid attention and didn't go any further in the relationship..
It means that even in a healthy relationship today with an "normie" that I struggle in my recovery to not slip back into unhealthy patterns and behaviors..
Sometimes the right thing to do..is not the easiest thing to do..
For me, the right thing to do was to stay away from someone I loved deeply because he and his drinking were toxic to me..
It meant that when I saw red flags in an attractive man, that I paid attention and didn't go any further in the relationship..
It means that even in a healthy relationship today with an "normie" that I struggle in my recovery to not slip back into unhealthy patterns and behaviors..
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
I can relate.
I stayed in a dead end relationship for nine years.
Once I entered Al-anon, and started working the steps, I started to believe that I deserved to be treated better. I started to like myself more. I gained the courage to end the relationship, and I decided I am better off alone than with a man who is incapable of loving me.
I believe that some day, I will attract a man who appreciates the "new and improved" me. Now that I love myself more, I have a better chance of attracting a man who is capable of loving me too.
Robin
I stayed in a dead end relationship for nine years.
Once I entered Al-anon, and started working the steps, I started to believe that I deserved to be treated better. I started to like myself more. I gained the courage to end the relationship, and I decided I am better off alone than with a man who is incapable of loving me.
I believe that some day, I will attract a man who appreciates the "new and improved" me. Now that I love myself more, I have a better chance of attracting a man who is capable of loving me too.
Robin
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