jen928

Most of you know, my mom is the alcoholic in my life. Well, I have two best friends and one of them is a coke addict. She has been using cocaine for the past three years (at least). It's hard watching her struggling time and time again. She's always stopping and saying things like, I've learned my lesson now, etc etc. I'm not that worried about her, yet. The thing that really gets to me is I will be really down about my mom and everything that's going on with her and this friend of mine will stop by to talk/comfort me, etc. I have told her time and time again, not to come by when she is on that sh*t. She doesn't respect my boundaries, which are very simple, don't come around if you're going to using or if you are already on coke. What do you do when someone won't respect your boundaries? Even when they are laid out clearly?

Cindi R

You may have to be rude until she really "gets" it...
"if you're F'ed up...I don't wanna talk to you. Go away!"

jen928

I have actually said something along those lines. She wanted to come by my house after work one day. She said first she had to stop by "Michael's" house first (who supplies her sometimes). I said, well if you're going over there, then don't bother coming by my house afterwards. I don't want to see that anymore. Her reaction was to get mad at me and tell me I was assuming things.
Well, anyways, my other question with regards to this situation is I have done coke in the past with her. This was when she first started using and now that I think about it, it was a good four+ years ago. Well, I did coke with her a couple of times....no more then 5. I didn't like the stuff (thank goodness) so it didn't take long for me to say to myself, "what the hell am I doing? I don't even like this stuff." Not to mention, I have a horribly guilty conscious and I felt bad for days afterwards. OK, I'm rambling.....My question is....She uses this against me. If I bring up the fact that I don't like coke and I don't want coke around me, in my house or anywhere close to my person, she will quickly turn around and bring up the fact that I had used with her in the past. How do you make a conversation about their useage not about me? I'm not sure how to ask this and have it make sense. I hope I did a good enough job.

TexasGirl

This is what I would say to that...
Yes, friend, I have used with you in the past. I realized that this was not a good decision for me, and I chose to never take part in that again. I made a mistake. I accept that you are your own person with your own choices, whether I agree with them or not, but I don't have to be around you while you are making those choices.

jen928

oh I know idget....That's exactly why I came here for advice. I know that if she goes down and I'm with her, I do down too, even though I don't have a drop of that sh*t in my system. Not to mention it makes me sick to my stomach to see her like that now. I have enough watching my mom drink herself to death, I don't feel like watching one of my best friends sniff death through their nose.

Jazzman

Boundaries are so hard to enforce... sometimes every friggen waking moment...
I mean, if I were going through what you are going through with your Mom... I doubt I would have ANY patience at all for a friend that refuses to respect my boundaries. I would blow her off completely for the time being. Maybe deal w/ measured contact later when things aren’t so chaotic for you. I just couldn't deal with that crap right now...

but that would be me...

jen928

See that's part of my problem too. We have been friends for about 10 years. She is a good friend when she's sober, just like my mom is a good mother when she's sober.
It's all a bunch of bullsh*t. I feel alone and I need my friends right now but I can't put up with the coke. I can't stand it.
I only have a few close friends and I really don't want to lose this one but I also can't deal with the coke.

Ah, I just hate all of this. I hate having to push people away b/c of this kinda crap. But you ALL understand that feeling.

The only way I can explain how I feel is....for the first time in my life I understand why some people feel the need to shout at the top of their lungs. I want to be on top of a mountain and scream until my voice cracks and my throat dries.

jen928

I love lavendar and actually have some lavendar powder (i think it's called lavendar milk). It leaves your skin SOOOOO smooth and silky. I love the smell too. UMMMM yummy, unfortunately, I will be here at the office late today. At least that's how it's looking right now.

Minx1969

Hey Jen,

That's why I love my face to face Alanon meetings..I have a lot of new friends from the program..because they do understand, and they are trying to get healthy as well..

pmaslan

You say you are lonely and you need your friends to help you deal with your mom.
How in the world do you think one addict is going to help you deal with another???
Please meet some new people that will respect your boundries...maybe at alanon perhaps......

cwohio

lavendre - ahhh yes - that will help you calm down. one of my favorites. i take a dozen eggs and go throw them against something to get my frustrations out. love to hear the splat and it feels good too. rant away jen!

Jazzman

Placing your priorities 1st, like no contact w/ toxic drama people, candle lit bubble baths w/ some smooth jazz in the backround... Hold up all weekend watching DVDs and eating comfort food....
You ARE allowed to do that for yourself you know.
For me it was treating myself to some cool stuff I've always wanted. I bought myself The Martin I've always wanted, a way cool camera with a 90mm zoom lense, a new mp3 capable car stereo so I can cruise with ALL my favorite tunes....
you know, guy stuff.

Jazzman

All righty then...
OK Christie, put the eggs down and walk away, slowly...

jen928

I didn't say I was lonely. I said at times I feel alone and I need my friends right now. But I also understand that this friend can not be there for me at this point....that's why I am asking for advice on how to make my bounderies stick.

I'm fine with the friends I have now. I have an incredible best friend (not the one I have posted about) that is going through the same thing I am right now. Although her father has just recently started recovery. As for alanon....I'm already going. I go to a meeting once a week. Once I get settled in my new house, I plan on working more with alanon. I just wanted some advice on boundaries and making them stick. I know that it's not good for me to be around someone like this friend....that's why I wanted some advice. Thanks ya'll.

minnie

Jen, the most important thing to remember about boundaries is that they are for you, not rules for other people to follow.

For example, you can't set a rule that your friend doesn't use. But you can set a boundary that you will not be around your friend when she is using/has used. And that means that there needs to be consequences - that you don't see her at those times. Or, as others have suggested, that you take a break and don't see her at all for a little while. There is a great book on Boundaries by Anne Katherine. I found it really useful when I was learning how to set and keep them.

Glad to hear that you have a support system in place.

jen928

Oh yeah, Jazz.....I did treat myself this past week. I went shopping (you know women stuff).
As for tonight....the bubble bath, candles, music....all taken care of. I can't wait to get outta work. I've got Miles, Coltrane, and Brubeck waiting for me at the house.

pmaslan

In recovery and that goes for us as well as A's I believe...we need to change "people, places and things" (I think that's how that goes....) anyway, this friend is causing you some unneeded stress right now, for goodness sakes, you have enough on your plate with your mom! The book Minnie referenced is a good one...
Just remember, NO is not a four letter word. Take care of you and set boundries that you can enforce.....you have already received some sound advice on boundires....

elizabeth1979

Jen,
Your hands are full!
Boundaries my dear, are for you, as Minnie said. Speak to her as though she is a child.
If you do X, then I will do Y.
If you come over while under the influence, then I will not see you for a week.
The important thing is sticking to the boundry. Its the only way you feel as though you are not allowing her addiction to have a place in your life.

The mentioning of your past use with her, or otherwise for that matter is a manipulation method used by addicts to reverse your decision or at the least make you falter on your boundry. When I used to get that from the alcoholics in my life, I would think I had no business making boundries bc I was not perfect. Its not about perfect, its about what you are comfortable with at your emotional station in life.

If you recognize those manipulations in her behavior, its a good start. There is a thread somewhere on here about Emotional Manipulators, which I would suspect would be a good read for you in relationship to your mom and your friend.

Enjoy your bath and Coltrane! I just love him!

elizabeth1979

And CW, Eggs? Really? You seem so mild mannered! Bravo!