Tough Day
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
Tough Day
Found out today that my grandfather will have to have both of his legs amputated due to poor circulation. The legs are dying. They wanted to do a surgical procedure to save them, but were unable. I cried a lot after hearing the news.
This year has probably been the toughest of my life.
AH has had two relapses in the last couple of weeks. He has been changing meds for his bipolar disorder and getting manic. When he gets manic he tends to drink. That has been tough to deal with.
Sometimes I wonder if things will get better and STAY better.
Right now AH is at AA, so that's good. We are reading a book about the 12 steps together. He is trying to renew his spirituality. Meds are more stable for the meantime, so he's more stable.
Sometimes I just feel like I am going to lose it all!! Too much stress. Sometimes I think it is a cumulative effect of everything that has happened this year.
This year has probably been the toughest of my life.
AH has had two relapses in the last couple of weeks. He has been changing meds for his bipolar disorder and getting manic. When he gets manic he tends to drink. That has been tough to deal with.
Sometimes I wonder if things will get better and STAY better.
Right now AH is at AA, so that's good. We are reading a book about the 12 steps together. He is trying to renew his spirituality. Meds are more stable for the meantime, so he's more stable.
Sometimes I just feel like I am going to lose it all!! Too much stress. Sometimes I think it is a cumulative effect of everything that has happened this year.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((meli)) your plate has been full for a long time - it's good that you are reading the book together but you need some "me" time too. try and see if you can work that in to your busy schedule.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Meli - I'm so sorry about your Grandfather - I got carried away with what's below because it really made me think. I'll leave it in case any of it is of use but feel free to ignore it -you must be so worn out right now. Take care of yourself.
I know. I know that feeling so well. It's something I find really hard to deal with but I'm getting an idea of how I can be happy with it - all I've got to do now is get it to sink in!!!
My step 1! Chuck the crystal ball - and I mean rocket launch it into space!!It's not just that I find D hard to predict, so did the counsellors until we found one with experience in mental health and addiction, after she left the following people seemed no more equipped than the originals!! I can think things are stable and they're no where near stable, I can think things are spiralling down and he'll pick up. Sometimes that's the biggest thing in LIFE that tells me his brain chemicals play a big part in things. the counsellor we had that was very good never even tried to predict - she consistantly dealt with what was in a positive and constructive manner. That WORKED and I like things that WORK!
Step 2! Don't write off X number of days or weeks of effort after 1 day, or week of failure. I struggle with this SO MUCH but I know inside I have to get a handle on it. It isn't logical to hold the view that the behaviour on one day shows true intention where as the behaviour on 6 days shows nothing. Actions DO speak louder than words but then ALL actions speak louder than words not just failure. I know AA start over from day 1 after each drink but I don't think that makes sense for someone with mental health problems. It's nice to hear others confirm it to me (and they have) but I don't really need a proffessional to tell me something's been very wrong BEFORE D has drank. Again it isn't logical, after a slip, after something going wrong, after his own lack of committment sometimes he STILL has the benefit of the time before he spent sober, he still has the new habits he'd began to build, he still has the experience that he CAN achieve that. It seems to me that to place someone back at square one removes those valuable things right at the moment they need them the most. I struggle with it so much because I know how alcohol effects his mental health and I still know he's addicted, with everything that goes with that. I struggle because I still know how important it is not to lapse. What I won't encourage in myself is allowing my own struggles to make me behave irrationally - I believe the best bet is to remain in the positive while acknowledging the physical risks of a lapse and behave accordingly.
Step 3! I won't be back at square one either! This is becoming my mantra - I know the chances of D not getting ill again are so flippin' small it's not worth basing my future sanity on. Instead I remind myself I'll never be back where I was - I know more now. I know the system better, I understand addiction better, I understand my own behaviour better, I've a better idea of what works and (slowly) I'm also learning it passes, he gets sick but he also recovers. Whatever happens I won't be left in the same desperate place of pleading with a receptionist that I don't know what to do - I now know how to make SURE I speak to a doctor. I also remind myself it isn't just me learning - D will be learning too, so neither of us can ever TRULY be back to square one.
Step 4! - Under construction.....
When D wrote out his history for the doc it looked veery much like he's had 4 very bad bouts or breakdowns in the last decade, all fairly evenly spaced, all coinciding with life changes, all recovered from (3 of which without any help). It's just the begining for him getting these things in his medical notes, we have a stable home and will keep the same doctors practice, that's another major move away from square one too!! His doc, my doc, the good counsellor, and even the crappy ones have all agreed on one thing D is more than likely to have lapses and even relapses - all those who've had chance to actually get to know him think that is due to mental health, the crappy vcounsellors who'd never met him before based it on the fact he had lapsed and put it at the door of him having no committment. From being close up and personal through him giving up the booze I know which point of view makes more sense, based on that I've only got one prediction D will keep trying, he has for YEARS now. That for me is enough.
I've written the above totally from my perspective re D - perhaps none of it applies to your situation but I recognised your sentiment so thought it's worth a shot to see if any of it is of use to you.
Sometimes I wonder if things will get better and STAY better.
My step 1! Chuck the crystal ball - and I mean rocket launch it into space!!It's not just that I find D hard to predict, so did the counsellors until we found one with experience in mental health and addiction, after she left the following people seemed no more equipped than the originals!! I can think things are stable and they're no where near stable, I can think things are spiralling down and he'll pick up. Sometimes that's the biggest thing in LIFE that tells me his brain chemicals play a big part in things. the counsellor we had that was very good never even tried to predict - she consistantly dealt with what was in a positive and constructive manner. That WORKED and I like things that WORK!
Step 2! Don't write off X number of days or weeks of effort after 1 day, or week of failure. I struggle with this SO MUCH but I know inside I have to get a handle on it. It isn't logical to hold the view that the behaviour on one day shows true intention where as the behaviour on 6 days shows nothing. Actions DO speak louder than words but then ALL actions speak louder than words not just failure. I know AA start over from day 1 after each drink but I don't think that makes sense for someone with mental health problems. It's nice to hear others confirm it to me (and they have) but I don't really need a proffessional to tell me something's been very wrong BEFORE D has drank. Again it isn't logical, after a slip, after something going wrong, after his own lack of committment sometimes he STILL has the benefit of the time before he spent sober, he still has the new habits he'd began to build, he still has the experience that he CAN achieve that. It seems to me that to place someone back at square one removes those valuable things right at the moment they need them the most. I struggle with it so much because I know how alcohol effects his mental health and I still know he's addicted, with everything that goes with that. I struggle because I still know how important it is not to lapse. What I won't encourage in myself is allowing my own struggles to make me behave irrationally - I believe the best bet is to remain in the positive while acknowledging the physical risks of a lapse and behave accordingly.
Step 3! I won't be back at square one either! This is becoming my mantra - I know the chances of D not getting ill again are so flippin' small it's not worth basing my future sanity on. Instead I remind myself I'll never be back where I was - I know more now. I know the system better, I understand addiction better, I understand my own behaviour better, I've a better idea of what works and (slowly) I'm also learning it passes, he gets sick but he also recovers. Whatever happens I won't be left in the same desperate place of pleading with a receptionist that I don't know what to do - I now know how to make SURE I speak to a doctor. I also remind myself it isn't just me learning - D will be learning too, so neither of us can ever TRULY be back to square one.
Step 4! - Under construction.....
When D wrote out his history for the doc it looked veery much like he's had 4 very bad bouts or breakdowns in the last decade, all fairly evenly spaced, all coinciding with life changes, all recovered from (3 of which without any help). It's just the begining for him getting these things in his medical notes, we have a stable home and will keep the same doctors practice, that's another major move away from square one too!! His doc, my doc, the good counsellor, and even the crappy ones have all agreed on one thing D is more than likely to have lapses and even relapses - all those who've had chance to actually get to know him think that is due to mental health, the crappy vcounsellors who'd never met him before based it on the fact he had lapsed and put it at the door of him having no committment. From being close up and personal through him giving up the booze I know which point of view makes more sense, based on that I've only got one prediction D will keep trying, he has for YEARS now. That for me is enough.
I've written the above totally from my perspective re D - perhaps none of it applies to your situation but I recognised your sentiment so thought it's worth a shot to see if any of it is of use to you.
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