Am I dumb to believe in his ablity to stay sober?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: California
Posts: 11
Am I dumb to believe in his ablity to stay sober?
I'm new to this and seeking some adivice. I know that this is long but please stay with me. I'm not really sure who to talk to to about this.
My boyfriend, lets call him M for now, is a recovering alcoholic. I like to think of him as a recovered alcoholic but he always tells me that it is an ongoing process. When M was 18, and a senior in high school, he first went into AA. However, it wasn't his choice, and he want in kicking and screeming. At 19 he relapsed, got kicked out of college and went back to AA, this time because he understood that he needed it. It took M several years at community college to get back to a university but after two years or hard he got into the college of his choice (a different one). This school is a known party school but M stayed away from drinking. M finished all his requirnments for his degree and decided to go abroad. At this point he had been in AA and sober for 4 1/2 years.
M and I met while we were both exchange students. The country we went to is a country of heavy drinkers where everything revolves around the local bar. After a month M started drinking. We started dating a few weeks later. M was very upfrount about his past drinking problems but thought maybe it would be different this time, now that he was almost 24. I didn't know really anything about alcohlism so didn't understand how dangerouse this was.
About a month after he started drinking again M realized that it was a problem. He found english language AA meetings and started going again. It took him four months but he eventually got sober again and still is. While he was drinking he was never abusive in anyway. I only saw him drunk three times because, once I realized that it was a real issue for him I didn't see him when he would be drinking. However, every time I did see him when he was drunk he was never hostile, on the contrary he was always overly lovey-dovey telling me how wounderful I was.
This sunday will be one year since he drank. I'm so proud of him. During the year we each graduated from college and have started our lives together. A month after graduating M got a great, well paying, job which he loves for the most part. I am going back to graduate school. M and I have talked about marriage and know that, once I finish grad school, we will get married. I don't need to go into all the reasons why I love him and know that he is my soul mate but I know that he is the puzzle peice that is supposed to go next to my puzzle peice.
My only resevation is the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic. I don't really want to go to Al-Anol b/c i worry that it will only depress me and make me feel like I am kidding myself to believe in him and his ablity to stay sober.
It seems to me that this is a place with a lot of hopeful people. Can you give me yor advice? I believe in him.
My boyfriend, lets call him M for now, is a recovering alcoholic. I like to think of him as a recovered alcoholic but he always tells me that it is an ongoing process. When M was 18, and a senior in high school, he first went into AA. However, it wasn't his choice, and he want in kicking and screeming. At 19 he relapsed, got kicked out of college and went back to AA, this time because he understood that he needed it. It took M several years at community college to get back to a university but after two years or hard he got into the college of his choice (a different one). This school is a known party school but M stayed away from drinking. M finished all his requirnments for his degree and decided to go abroad. At this point he had been in AA and sober for 4 1/2 years.
M and I met while we were both exchange students. The country we went to is a country of heavy drinkers where everything revolves around the local bar. After a month M started drinking. We started dating a few weeks later. M was very upfrount about his past drinking problems but thought maybe it would be different this time, now that he was almost 24. I didn't know really anything about alcohlism so didn't understand how dangerouse this was.
About a month after he started drinking again M realized that it was a problem. He found english language AA meetings and started going again. It took him four months but he eventually got sober again and still is. While he was drinking he was never abusive in anyway. I only saw him drunk three times because, once I realized that it was a real issue for him I didn't see him when he would be drinking. However, every time I did see him when he was drunk he was never hostile, on the contrary he was always overly lovey-dovey telling me how wounderful I was.
This sunday will be one year since he drank. I'm so proud of him. During the year we each graduated from college and have started our lives together. A month after graduating M got a great, well paying, job which he loves for the most part. I am going back to graduate school. M and I have talked about marriage and know that, once I finish grad school, we will get married. I don't need to go into all the reasons why I love him and know that he is my soul mate but I know that he is the puzzle peice that is supposed to go next to my puzzle peice.
My only resevation is the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic. I don't really want to go to Al-Anol b/c i worry that it will only depress me and make me feel like I am kidding myself to believe in him and his ablity to stay sober.
It seems to me that this is a place with a lot of hopeful people. Can you give me yor advice? I believe in him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
First of all welcome to SR! We are glad you are here..
Since you asked, I would go to Alanon or at least read up (the stickies etc) on alcoholism etc..
The reason I suggest Alanon is that for me, it's given me some tools I can use in my life (any relationship whether work, personal or whatever)..
There are many people in Alanon that are not with actively drinking alcoholics..For me working the 12 steps has made me a better person..
If you aren't into Alanon, there are other ways of recovery (ie working on yourself)...
There are no guarantees in life..with or without an alcoholic..Alanon gave me some tools to live life on life's terms..
Keep coming back!
Since you asked, I would go to Alanon or at least read up (the stickies etc) on alcoholism etc..
The reason I suggest Alanon is that for me, it's given me some tools I can use in my life (any relationship whether work, personal or whatever)..
There are many people in Alanon that are not with actively drinking alcoholics..For me working the 12 steps has made me a better person..
If you aren't into Alanon, there are other ways of recovery (ie working on yourself)...
There are no guarantees in life..with or without an alcoholic..Alanon gave me some tools to live life on life's terms..
Keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: California
Posts: 11
thanks!
M's AA sponsor told him the same thing about there being no guaretees in life. And often that is what I think. No matter who you choose to go through life with there will be rough patches, hard things, etc. At lease M knows and understands his addiction. That will give him a leg up. Also I think that AA has taught him some very important lessons.
At any rate thanks for the advice and keep it coming!
M's AA sponsor told him the same thing about there being no guaretees in life. And often that is what I think. No matter who you choose to go through life with there will be rough patches, hard things, etc. At lease M knows and understands his addiction. That will give him a leg up. Also I think that AA has taught him some very important lessons.
At any rate thanks for the advice and keep it coming!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: out of town
Posts: 85
One of the possitive things that I am hearing is that he got help early on in his life and seems to have good insight on the negative aspects of his use.
The longer the alcoholic is active without the knowledge of the destuctivness of his use they tend to develop very negative personality flaws, which are usually relationship ending. It is his choice of which path he chooses, he has the tools lets pray he uses them.
As for you, Alanon is not for everyone, but their is alot of support out there that comes in many shapes,ways and forms, find what brings you comfort and strength.
The longer the alcoholic is active without the knowledge of the destuctivness of his use they tend to develop very negative personality flaws, which are usually relationship ending. It is his choice of which path he chooses, he has the tools lets pray he uses them.
As for you, Alanon is not for everyone, but their is alot of support out there that comes in many shapes,ways and forms, find what brings you comfort and strength.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I agree with dream. He's young. My husband didn't go into rehab until he was 39...young according to some oldtimers. But our son started his recovery at 24.
Please consider alanon. There's lots more to it than meets the eye. It's a way of life even excluding the alcohol/addiction issues. Fine, fine therapy. While you're continuing your education, educate yourself about alcoholism.
Blessings
Please consider alanon. There's lots more to it than meets the eye. It's a way of life even excluding the alcohol/addiction issues. Fine, fine therapy. While you're continuing your education, educate yourself about alcoholism.
Blessings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: California
Posts: 11
Thank you to dream catcher. Tonight, over dinner, I was telling M how I had logged on and told my story. He has been encouraging me to join a support group of some sort. It really helps me thinking that, yes he got help at 19 on his own. At 19 I don't think I would have been able to deal with everything he had to deal with and to make the same mature choices he made to get help and stay in AA. Thanks for your words it's really nice being in a place where I can talk about this.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I have been alcohol free for over 15 years. Between years 25-15 I had a total of maybe 24 beers. No gaurantees, but there are many of us who have found we are able to stay away from alcohol.
I was dry as far as my intake went, but I still had many poor habits that went along with the alcoholism. I can truly say, today, I am a sober, none drinking, recovered, alcoholic. As of 5 years ago, I started finding a sober "life style". No gaurantees but there is great hope. Many do recover and stay that way.
I was dry as far as my intake went, but I still had many poor habits that went along with the alcoholism. I can truly say, today, I am a sober, none drinking, recovered, alcoholic. As of 5 years ago, I started finding a sober "life style". No gaurantees but there is great hope. Many do recover and stay that way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Of course you can believe in him!! In fact please pretty please with cherries on top believe in him - we all need a good dose of that. BUT it won't give you a crystal ball, all the belief in the world won't mean you can tell the future.
Before I married I knew more than most about alcohol problems, not from my family but growing up in an inner city boarding house I'd seen it right to the point of men drinking meths (blue cleaning stuff!). I asked myself if he had a brain tumour that might recurr would Imarry him? The answer was yes! I asked myself if he had alzhiemers would I marry him? The answer was yes! Not because I thought those would be easy to deal with, more that I knew dealing with that sort of stuff was beyond my comprehension at that time (as was first hand dealing with alcoholism), but I did know where my heart was, I did know that unlike 80% of the population if I was to marry and mean it then it had to be accepting this part of him as well. Like I said I had an advantage (or two of them!), I knew from the outset, I'd seen enough as a kid to have no illusions. I've needed help through it and when I have I've sought it out and got it (for the most part).
And now? Since we married he's had full relapses, lapses, ups and downs - would I still make the same decision? YES!! But that's because of who he is as an individual not because I feel some obligation to live with addiction - I really don't think I could live with anyone else's!!
I suppose we make choices, and when it comes to partners I think it's better to make choices on the whole person, as they are, standing in their underpants, for all that's contained by their skin and bones, who they are, how they have lived, how they have taken lifes knocks. I'm glad D's drinking made sure I did that consciously and deliberately, it's stood us in good stead.
Before I married I knew more than most about alcohol problems, not from my family but growing up in an inner city boarding house I'd seen it right to the point of men drinking meths (blue cleaning stuff!). I asked myself if he had a brain tumour that might recurr would Imarry him? The answer was yes! I asked myself if he had alzhiemers would I marry him? The answer was yes! Not because I thought those would be easy to deal with, more that I knew dealing with that sort of stuff was beyond my comprehension at that time (as was first hand dealing with alcoholism), but I did know where my heart was, I did know that unlike 80% of the population if I was to marry and mean it then it had to be accepting this part of him as well. Like I said I had an advantage (or two of them!), I knew from the outset, I'd seen enough as a kid to have no illusions. I've needed help through it and when I have I've sought it out and got it (for the most part).
And now? Since we married he's had full relapses, lapses, ups and downs - would I still make the same decision? YES!! But that's because of who he is as an individual not because I feel some obligation to live with addiction - I really don't think I could live with anyone else's!!
I suppose we make choices, and when it comes to partners I think it's better to make choices on the whole person, as they are, standing in their underpants, for all that's contained by their skin and bones, who they are, how they have lived, how they have taken lifes knocks. I'm glad D's drinking made sure I did that consciously and deliberately, it's stood us in good stead.
*
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
Hello A 
I can pretty much say ditto to Equus' post.
You "know" your man, you "know" you, you know whether your relationship is strong enough to take the bumps and knocks.
Would I still take on my guy knowing what I know now; in a heartbeat. Because I "know him"
Good luck
I can pretty much say ditto to Equus' post.
You "know" your man, you "know" you, you know whether your relationship is strong enough to take the bumps and knocks.
Would I still take on my guy knowing what I know now; in a heartbeat. Because I "know him"
Good luck
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
Denial is a common theme in alcoholism. It sounds like he went into denial when he went abroad and to the country where they drank a lot.
It does sound like he has really worked hard and has done fairly well at staying away from the alcohol, esp for a young person.
I can certainly understand your reservations. No one has a mirror into the future on these things. I wish I had better advice.
I entered marriage and had no idea I was marrying an alcoholic. It has been a very painful experience. My AH also has bipolar disorder which adds more craziness to the picture. But I do love him dearly and as long as he's trying to get better/stay better, I am going to stick around. In sickness and health, we never tend to think of the sickness part and how hard that is to deal with.
But it sounds like you guys are truly meant for each other.
It does sound like he has really worked hard and has done fairly well at staying away from the alcohol, esp for a young person.
I can certainly understand your reservations. No one has a mirror into the future on these things. I wish I had better advice.
I entered marriage and had no idea I was marrying an alcoholic. It has been a very painful experience. My AH also has bipolar disorder which adds more craziness to the picture. But I do love him dearly and as long as he's trying to get better/stay better, I am going to stick around. In sickness and health, we never tend to think of the sickness part and how hard that is to deal with.
But it sounds like you guys are truly meant for each other.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: folkestone, kent
Posts: 25
I personally would not marry a recovering alcoholic with only one year sober. If you love him and he loves you, stay together but don't get married or have kids. Wait a few more years is my advice and then re-consider your options. Wait until he's got at least five years behind him. There's no rush to get married is there? Keep your options open - once you're bound in to it, it's hard to get out of. Easy to fall in to but very hard to escape from. Don't tie that knot - wait a few more years and see what happens.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Welcome a_believer!
I think your screen name says it for you. Don't let the "what if" ruin your relationship if the relationship is good, healthy and loving. Continue to believe in him and support him, a year is a good indication of his willingness, so give him the benefit of the doubt. It soundsl like he's already do the best he can, going to meetings, working a program staying connected with his sponsor. Think positive!
I think your screen name says it for you. Don't let the "what if" ruin your relationship if the relationship is good, healthy and loving. Continue to believe in him and support him, a year is a good indication of his willingness, so give him the benefit of the doubt. It soundsl like he's already do the best he can, going to meetings, working a program staying connected with his sponsor. Think positive!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: directly above the center of the earth.
Posts: 4
Since you asked...
I have been clean and sober in AA since I was 18 years old. I am now 38 and I am still very active in AA and Alanon.
I have lived a lot of life in the past 20 years and have made a lot of "mistakes" but I have no regrets. It is possible to stay sober, one day at a time, for long periods of time. It is not possible for ANY human being to stay perfect for long periods of time. There is no way to guarantee ANYTHING. If you have love in your life, enjoy it fully. A safe could fall on your head tomorrow. Life is messy and beautiful
It is wise, however, to decide whether or not you can live with this potentially fatal disease, if he was a cancer survivor in remission you would have to weigh that into your decision too.
Alanon is simply a tool, a way to help you cope when his alcoholism comes up or if you become overly concerned with his sobriety. Alcoholics don't need to be drinking to act like lunatics At least I don't... I need the medicine of meetings to keep my dis-ease in remission.
I go to Alanon in part because I am surrounded by the sober variety of alcoholic as well as few wet ones, but also because I grew up in alcoholism. Alanon is not depressing at all. It teaches you to have peace and serenity no matter how the people that you love are behaving and how to find more effective ways to communicate.
The Steps are a pathway to a spiritual awakening and way of life that can be shared as a couple in recovery. Best of luck to you!
I have been clean and sober in AA since I was 18 years old. I am now 38 and I am still very active in AA and Alanon.
I have lived a lot of life in the past 20 years and have made a lot of "mistakes" but I have no regrets. It is possible to stay sober, one day at a time, for long periods of time. It is not possible for ANY human being to stay perfect for long periods of time. There is no way to guarantee ANYTHING. If you have love in your life, enjoy it fully. A safe could fall on your head tomorrow. Life is messy and beautiful
It is wise, however, to decide whether or not you can live with this potentially fatal disease, if he was a cancer survivor in remission you would have to weigh that into your decision too.
Alanon is simply a tool, a way to help you cope when his alcoholism comes up or if you become overly concerned with his sobriety. Alcoholics don't need to be drinking to act like lunatics
At least I don't... I need the medicine of meetings to keep my dis-ease in remission. I go to Alanon in part because I am surrounded by the sober variety of alcoholic as well as few wet ones, but also because I grew up in alcoholism. Alanon is not depressing at all. It teaches you to have peace and serenity no matter how the people that you love are behaving and how to find more effective ways to communicate.
The Steps are a pathway to a spiritual awakening and way of life that can be shared as a couple in recovery. Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
It's the poor habits that surface, drinking or not. I am personally not a member of Al-Anon but my husband is a member of AA. What I've found is that it is the *behaviors* of the addict that makes them relationally challenged. The reason that Al-Anon is suggested is, as stated earlier, you need to be able to handle yourself in those situations. It is a manipulative disease. If you are not adequately prepared, you can get caught up in it quickly without realizing that you're even there.
Is he lovable? Sure. Is he the marrying type? Maybe. I think it is important to make sure that you are completely intact and very strong in the limits you place on your personal space. Active Addicts, by definition, take prisoners, not lovers. One of my limits for me is that I will not live with an active alcoholic or dry drunk. Period. And at my house that is #1 rule. No slips, no drama.
Is he lovable? Sure. Is he the marrying type? Maybe. I think it is important to make sure that you are completely intact and very strong in the limits you place on your personal space. Active Addicts, by definition, take prisoners, not lovers. One of my limits for me is that I will not live with an active alcoholic or dry drunk. Period. And at my house that is #1 rule. No slips, no drama.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: California
Posts: 11
Thank you to everyone! I am really truly appriciating all the adivce. I have especially enjoyed the perspective that a few of you have shared the "if he was in cancer remission/had a brain tumor would you marry him." The answer is yes, of course! YES! YES! YES! I guess the thing about alcohlism is that it is very easy for me to slip into the mind-set that it is a personal decision. I know, rationally, that it is a sickness not a choice. And in the case of M I believe that it is genetic (both grandfathers were alcoholics). Even knowing this, and knowing a little about it medically, there is a small part of me that doesn't really believe that it is an illness. If it were the same as "regular" illnesses then AA couldn't "cure" you only medicine and operations could. I guess this is something that I will need to work through and I know that this is a good place to do that.
In the mean time I know my answer about the marriage question. I've knew long before I became a member here that he is the one for me. Tonight he and my dad put the lights on the Christmas tree at my parents' house while my grandmother directed him. He adjusted the lights to fill every gap my grandma saw with good humor. For that and so many other things I love him dearly and have the ut-most faith in him.
In the mean time I know my answer about the marriage question. I've knew long before I became a member here that he is the one for me. Tonight he and my dad put the lights on the Christmas tree at my parents' house while my grandmother directed him. He adjusted the lights to fill every gap my grandma saw with good humor. For that and so many other things I love him dearly and have the ut-most faith in him.
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