It didn't work
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
It didn't work
Well, last night was my last attempt at trying to get my mom some help. I met with two of her friends and had them come to the house. We sat and talked to my mom. Same reaction as she has been giving me for years, she's not ready. What I will never EVER understand is.....how someone isn't ready when they are staring death in the eyes? I will never get this. I will never understand how she can see her own yellow eyes and swollen hands and not do anything to fix herself. I will never understand how she can recognize the rash on her arms and pull her sweatshirt over the rash to hide it but she can't see that she needs to get help. I will never understand how she can hear her best friend's say, barbara we're worried. We see your swollen hands and feet. We see the pain behind the alcoholic cloud and we want to help. How can you turn away from mulitple arms reaching out to help you? How can you look at your only child and see the pain behind the tears in her eyes and not get some help to stop causing the continual hurt? How can you listen to your only daughter, your only family member and not really hear her simple pleas to go to the doctor? How can you dismiss the fact that your child is deathly afraid she is going to find you dead one day after work? These are the things I will never understand.
Last night was my last attempt to try to get the alcoholic in my life help.
To be honest, I'm quite the mess these days. I feel like I'm 13 again and I have absolutely no control over this horrible f*cking addiction (which I know I don't have control over in the first place). I feel like I am nothing in her world. I am nothing in her life. I feel like she needs to be nothing in mine, now. I wish I could simply detach from her as she has from me over the past 20 years.
And just to touch on a post Jazzman started...the affects on children of alcoholics....I was a good kid. I got great grades. In high school, I completed college courses before I graduated and had 14 credits. BUT I was a mess then, just no one knew it. I was a tri-athelete for four years. I horse back rode on the weekends. I was a girl scout for almost 10 years. BUT I was a mess then, panic attacks started at 4 years old. I volunteered for political campaigns, at the homeless shelter and with dog rescue. I had lots of friends. I made the honor roll all through school. BUT I was a mess then, sad when alone and scared of the future. I had a few boyfriends. I had lots of friends. Nothing abnormal. Then it hit.......then finally after high school and the stability that it offered disappeared, it hit. I went to college at 17 and all those years that I was a mess and never knew how to fix it caught up with me. I started to smoke pot and drink and try many many other drugs. I am now 26. I go to a therapist. I am trying to change the ways I learned how to cope. Keeping it all inside and saying I'm FINE. Just as one poster said, his kids were fine. I beg to differ and I agree TOTALLY that any child in a family like this needs to see an OUTSIDE therapist. Not a family friend or anyone even somewhat related to this disease or their family, someone from the OUTSIDE that your children can open up to is the most important thing for any child growing up in a family like this. My dad was the best dad. I stayed with him every weekend BUT if he ever asked if everything was ok....my answer was always FINE. It's easy for us, children of alcoholics, to lie to cover up our parents problems and how they affect us. No one should ever forget that. (maybe I should put this in the other post). sorry it's awfully long
Last night was my last attempt to try to get the alcoholic in my life help.
To be honest, I'm quite the mess these days. I feel like I'm 13 again and I have absolutely no control over this horrible f*cking addiction (which I know I don't have control over in the first place). I feel like I am nothing in her world. I am nothing in her life. I feel like she needs to be nothing in mine, now. I wish I could simply detach from her as she has from me over the past 20 years.
And just to touch on a post Jazzman started...the affects on children of alcoholics....I was a good kid. I got great grades. In high school, I completed college courses before I graduated and had 14 credits. BUT I was a mess then, just no one knew it. I was a tri-athelete for four years. I horse back rode on the weekends. I was a girl scout for almost 10 years. BUT I was a mess then, panic attacks started at 4 years old. I volunteered for political campaigns, at the homeless shelter and with dog rescue. I had lots of friends. I made the honor roll all through school. BUT I was a mess then, sad when alone and scared of the future. I had a few boyfriends. I had lots of friends. Nothing abnormal. Then it hit.......then finally after high school and the stability that it offered disappeared, it hit. I went to college at 17 and all those years that I was a mess and never knew how to fix it caught up with me. I started to smoke pot and drink and try many many other drugs. I am now 26. I go to a therapist. I am trying to change the ways I learned how to cope. Keeping it all inside and saying I'm FINE. Just as one poster said, his kids were fine. I beg to differ and I agree TOTALLY that any child in a family like this needs to see an OUTSIDE therapist. Not a family friend or anyone even somewhat related to this disease or their family, someone from the OUTSIDE that your children can open up to is the most important thing for any child growing up in a family like this. My dad was the best dad. I stayed with him every weekend BUT if he ever asked if everything was ok....my answer was always FINE. It's easy for us, children of alcoholics, to lie to cover up our parents problems and how they affect us. No one should ever forget that. (maybe I should put this in the other post). sorry it's awfully long
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((jen)) - the denial factor must be so great in your mom - or maybe she just wants it to be over. sorry not trying to make you feel bad. i don't understand how someone's else's thought patterns work - i had to quit trying to "analyze" the why/why not for my own sanity. my husband lost the battle, his soul and his life. it's horrible! yep - growing up in an alcoholic home affects you and you may not come to grips until many years later (like myself at 53) unless you are able to get help early. i am glad you are addressing your issues early in life. how i wish i would have, but better late than never!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
I meant to tell you on another post that I feel very sorry for you and your loss. To be honest, when I read your post about how it happened, I prayed that I would have to experience the same thing.
Thank you for your support.
Thank you for your support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
It is so hard to see someone hurt themself, so hard to understand but you do have to care for yourself.
For very different reasons I gave up trying to change my mother years ago, it was a slow and sometimes painful process of distancing myself emotionally from her. Now I keep a very light contact so that I can see my Dad but nothing of friendship or mother/daughter relationship. I treat her with respect and try to make time together as a family good for her too, but no more one to one, no more expectations, and no more despair at her behaviour. She can still surprise me like knowing my hubby's history buying him a bottle of whiskey last christmas, but not hurt me (or him - he gave it away).
I like it now, it was a good decision, it took a while and didn't involve no contact (yet!) or any major annoucements - I just slowly saw less and less of them. Now maybe I ring once every couple of months and visit maybe every 3 months for an hour or so. That's enough, it goes well, if she starts I make my excuses and leave.
My mother isn't killing herself but she has made herself so miserable beyond belief I really think her life gives her no pleasure now - and in a sense I think in her heart she knows how much love and respect she has lost over the years. My Dad loves er unconditionally and is fiercly loyal - yet can she love him back? No. Can she realise what a gift that is? No. Does it give her any pleasure? No. She waits for him to die and blames all of life's woes on him - she tells him regularly she would have divorced him if they hadn't had kids.
Sometimes there's stuff nothing can fix except the person, sometimes backing away is the only way to have your own heart free.
I'm 34 now, it hurts less and less, mostly not at all these days!
For very different reasons I gave up trying to change my mother years ago, it was a slow and sometimes painful process of distancing myself emotionally from her. Now I keep a very light contact so that I can see my Dad but nothing of friendship or mother/daughter relationship. I treat her with respect and try to make time together as a family good for her too, but no more one to one, no more expectations, and no more despair at her behaviour. She can still surprise me like knowing my hubby's history buying him a bottle of whiskey last christmas, but not hurt me (or him - he gave it away).
I like it now, it was a good decision, it took a while and didn't involve no contact (yet!) or any major annoucements - I just slowly saw less and less of them. Now maybe I ring once every couple of months and visit maybe every 3 months for an hour or so. That's enough, it goes well, if she starts I make my excuses and leave.
My mother isn't killing herself but she has made herself so miserable beyond belief I really think her life gives her no pleasure now - and in a sense I think in her heart she knows how much love and respect she has lost over the years. My Dad loves er unconditionally and is fiercly loyal - yet can she love him back? No. Can she realise what a gift that is? No. Does it give her any pleasure? No. She waits for him to die and blames all of life's woes on him - she tells him regularly she would have divorced him if they hadn't had kids.
Sometimes there's stuff nothing can fix except the person, sometimes backing away is the only way to have your own heart free.
I'm 34 now, it hurts less and less, mostly not at all these days!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
jen - thank you for your kind words. i watched my husband deteriorate physically and spiritually so badly in the last months of his life. i was seriously looking into separating from him. i did get to the point where i had let go and let God, but it's not easy. i am saddened that some are so addicted that they end up dying because of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: falls church, va
Posts: 113
no worries jazz.....to be honest, i don't know what to say either. i didn't even think i'd get that post out. i didn't think i had it in me to write down what i was thinking at that momment. but i did....and i think i explained how i'm feeling pretty good. i think that's what i need right now. (just get it out, ya know)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Im so sorry you have to live this..... my prayers go out to you.
We cant understand, there is just no way possible to get inside their minds and know what they think and feel. I know it hurts none the less but just let it go and let God get on with his plan. Im glad you have councel and are doing what you need to for yourself, remember to be gentle with yourself because the greiving process is a hard one and there is no doubt that your going through it.
We cant understand, there is just no way possible to get inside their minds and know what they think and feel. I know it hurts none the less but just let it go and let God get on with his plan. Im glad you have councel and are doing what you need to for yourself, remember to be gentle with yourself because the greiving process is a hard one and there is no doubt that your going through it.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Jen, I am very sorry. I can honestly say I know how you feel. I was 16 years old when my father was near death. I begged him to go and get help. He was living with my grandmother at that time. She asked me to talk to him, like you she was afraid she would
find him dead. After my pleading he did go to the hospital but he died 3 days later. I miss him very much. My heart goes out to you and your suffering. Just know you are not alone, I was. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers tonight, With love
find him dead. After my pleading he did go to the hospital but he died 3 days later. I miss him very much. My heart goes out to you and your suffering. Just know you are not alone, I was. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers tonight, With love
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
