Court tomorrow
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
Court tomorrow
We go to court tomorrow for the domestic battery charge. I will file the order of protection and try to understand exactly what it means. I need my kids to feel they are safe from his drinking and drugging personality. I realize they need that and he needs to work on himself. I just wonder how to be supportive to him. Now is a time for boundaries and matter of factness (good word?). Court will mandate some tyoe of treatment program I am hoping for in-patient. His mom tells me they are set with a treatment center if the courts only mandate a 12 step program. My fear is (and I no I have no control over what he does or thinks but it is stil a fear) that he will blame his behavior on the cocaine and say if he would just stick to drinking...quack, quack, quack. Well if that happens it makes my decision making a lot easier. I pray he gets healthy, fights this addiction, works on his recovery he is a good man and deserves a real chance at life. As well as myself and our kids.
J
J
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Setting and sticking to your boundaries, WILL be support for him. A person with a chemical dependency will never be motivated to do anything about their problem if nothing changes for them. It's been said over and over again, when you get between an addict and their bottom, all you get is crushed. Because of choices he has made, the system is involved now. Good luck in court tomorrow and take care of yourself and your kids.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
I went through this myself with my ah. The court will probably have counseling for him which I know in my state that we had to pay $35 a session and there is something like 30 session. It did no good because he went back to drinking because he was "forced" to get counseling. So it just made us broke. Make sure you speak up for the kids and get supervised visitations through a "nanny" house if you want them to see him. I'm glad I had an injunction but it didn't do anything for him. This was three years ago. Putting my ah in jail and getting the injunction only made him drink more and ticked him off. Be very careful because this may really tick him off. Also if they talk about Child support make sure you set your goal HIGH. The judge granted me $2500 and he HAD to pay it. Don't let that man get off easy. There is no way to help him either. I would cut all ties. If you draw a line make sure it's in concrete. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
I have waited seven years and went through an injunction and STILL haven't got what I wanted. Or got what I "thought" I wanted. Best advice is move on for yourself. Live as if he were not alive.........Raise your kids, go back to school, get a job, so it all for yourself. You'll be glad you did because when you look back in seven years...if he's not dead you will have a wonderful life and he'll be right where you left him. Trust me on that.
I sooooooooooooooooooo know the dream. You can still have it, but probably just not with him.
I sooooooooooooooooooo know the dream. You can still have it, but probably just not with him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 7
Where is the line between being supportive an enabling? I believe it is a fine one. Speaking from your ah side of things, I think that if my wife had not been willing to end all ties with me (and follow through), I may not have become truly willing to change my life. I was blessed to see how selfishly I had led my life before it came to that. For that I am grateful. I think maybe things have already gone that far in your case. I believe if I where in your ah's shoes (in the grips of a spiritual disease) I would feel angry, blamefull, and full of self pity. All of this is part of the disease. I know, in my heart, if I was somehow able to admit my powerlessness and come to believe in a power greater than myself, after loosing my family (order for protection), possibly my freedom (court tommorrow), and whatever else may come, I would find it much easier to find true recovery (not being selfish and being happy), knowing someone had protected my family (from me) when I could not. Sorry for the long sentence. Point being, you may not be able to catch him or make the bottom less painful. You may be able to protect the things he holds dear. Just my opinion, take what you want and leave the rest. Good luck and God bless.
Double winner
Double winner
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: la la land
Posts: 196
If only ah's would see things through your mind. My ah looked at it like this "That b*** that I married took my kids away from me and now has me in trouble with the law. I drink because of her and the hell she's caused. I accidentally hit her and I said I was sorry. They can make me go to counseling but I'm not going to quit drinking and she will NOT take my kids away from me" Thats how my ah thought anyway but I like yours way better!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
Briefly...
Today was totally emotional. His laywer asked for a motion of discovery. In other words we go back to court Feb. 2 and he will hoping I will drop the charges so a conviction will not be on my husbands permanent record. The lawyer told my husband now is the time to take some steps to prove himself. Know ing that if he does not he will be convicted because I will not drop the charges.
My husband is going to enter a 28 day inpatient treatment program on Monday. He is saying all the right things even as far to say he knows talk is cheap. The order of protection is still in place until Feb. 2 now. However I did adjust it so he can see and talk with the kids. They were glad to hear from him today. They have not spoken to him since the night he was arrested 11 days ago. He is very remorseful and very glad that our son called the police on him. He is not bitter toward me and claims he finally gets it. He is in awe that there are people pulling for his recovery. And I have set clear boundaries about what I will and will not do for him. We both know we need to work our own program and I'm sure it is going to be a lot harder for me to keep my hands off his. I have not made a decision regarding reconciliation vs divorce. I can make a great case for either. The kids have been to their school social workers and counselors at a youth outreach center.
My 18 year old daughter is struggling and she is away at college. We both promised to seek God's will. Please keep her in your prayers she is so angry at her father and only considers him her biological father. I continue to encourage her to go to the college counselor. And educate herself on his disease and the effects it will have on her. She is considering getting an apartment this summer instead of coming home if her dad is back here. Strong statement to her feelings.
Anyway, so much for briefly. I do know I am doing the right things right now. I just know there is a long road ahead. I'll be back when I am not so tired.
Hoping I am not just somebodysfool, again.
J
Today was totally emotional. His laywer asked for a motion of discovery. In other words we go back to court Feb. 2 and he will hoping I will drop the charges so a conviction will not be on my husbands permanent record. The lawyer told my husband now is the time to take some steps to prove himself. Know ing that if he does not he will be convicted because I will not drop the charges.
My husband is going to enter a 28 day inpatient treatment program on Monday. He is saying all the right things even as far to say he knows talk is cheap. The order of protection is still in place until Feb. 2 now. However I did adjust it so he can see and talk with the kids. They were glad to hear from him today. They have not spoken to him since the night he was arrested 11 days ago. He is very remorseful and very glad that our son called the police on him. He is not bitter toward me and claims he finally gets it. He is in awe that there are people pulling for his recovery. And I have set clear boundaries about what I will and will not do for him. We both know we need to work our own program and I'm sure it is going to be a lot harder for me to keep my hands off his. I have not made a decision regarding reconciliation vs divorce. I can make a great case for either. The kids have been to their school social workers and counselors at a youth outreach center.
My 18 year old daughter is struggling and she is away at college. We both promised to seek God's will. Please keep her in your prayers she is so angry at her father and only considers him her biological father. I continue to encourage her to go to the college counselor. And educate herself on his disease and the effects it will have on her. She is considering getting an apartment this summer instead of coming home if her dad is back here. Strong statement to her feelings.
Anyway, so much for briefly. I do know I am doing the right things right now. I just know there is a long road ahead. I'll be back when I am not so tired.
Hoping I am not just somebodysfool, again.
J
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hello Somebody...
The next time you talk with your daughter, ask her to check with the school to see if they offer aa/alanon. I know most colleges offer assistance. If they don't, I'm sure she can find alanon meetings around there. Also, ask her to check to see if they offer mental health assistance. My sons school gave each student 12 visits a year free of charge.
The next time you talk with your daughter, ask her to check with the school to see if they offer aa/alanon. I know most colleges offer assistance. If they don't, I'm sure she can find alanon meetings around there. Also, ask her to check to see if they offer mental health assistance. My sons school gave each student 12 visits a year free of charge.
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