wow...i had no idea

Old 11-29-2005, 01:12 PM
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wow...i had no idea

most of you know by now, I am trying for a desperate last push to try to get my mom some help. This will be my last attempt and then I am choosing to try to walk away from her.
I just needed to vent for a second. I am having the hardest time trying to set up anything for her. I have found a resource in our county that charges only $20, if you are a county resident. This is a detox center that will keep her for 7 days. Well, they told me it was $20 when I explained that she didn't have insurance. Then they asked if she had any assets. Well, she does. She owns a beach house in Nags Head, NC and has a very good chunk of money sitting in the bank. Now they want $3000 up front because she won't qualify for the assitance (even though, she currently has no income and the only reason why she has any money at all is because of my grandmother's estate). However, I can't get a bed for her until we put the 3k down. I don't have this type of money, so I can't afford to put that much down. The most I would be able to put down would be $1000. Anyways, my frustration is at the fact that, I can't plan an intervention without having a bed for her somewhere....but i can't afford that. I found a woman that works with the county doing interventions and she will be doing this for free for me. BUT again, what is the point of doing an intervention if we don't have a bed for her? Do any of you have any experience with taking your A to the hospital? Directly to the ER? I believe that this will be my only option. A few of you have spoken with me regarding this......I am just a little leery of driving her to the ER, if we will just spend 4-7 hours sitting and waiting. She has obvious health problems and I'm afraid that if we spend too long in the waiting room she will start to go through withdrawls right then and there.

excuse my spelling mistakes...........
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Old 11-29-2005, 01:20 PM
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Jen, I live relatively close to where you are.
My ex has checked himself into several area ERs for detox.
Usually it's a 72 hour ride.
While they are in there for detox, the staff will work to place them in rehab if that is what they want to do.
I can tell you that he went through rehab a few years ago and said that most of the people in there with him had no health insurance.
That's as much as I know.
I think it's a matter of calling and asking, asking and calling, until you find the right place that will match your needs financially.
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Old 11-29-2005, 01:32 PM
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INOVA Fairfax has a good CATs center and can do detox,(based on self admittance through the ER) then I think they have a 28 day outpatient program. Of course this is all depending one 1) your Mother is willing to go and 2) she would be willing to cover out of pocket medical expenses, and 3) she would stick with a program. I know, a lot of "ifs". I would call INOVA and pick their brains, at the very least another resource for information...
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Old 11-29-2005, 01:36 PM
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ER will take you if you are there to detox and as Gabe said
72 hours seems to be the max.
I have to tell you though that the hospitals here
do go after assets if you have them for payment.
But this has to be your mom's choice to go to the ER.
Not sure they will take her if she isn't willing.
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Old 11-29-2005, 01:54 PM
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I'm not trying to discount anything any of you said.....I've been calling my little red headed *ss off. I've tried INOVA and their CATS program. I just really needed to vent. I'm going to keep trying and I'm not giving up. I just had no idea how much work this was going to be. It's all so tricky. I just want to get a bed for her. I'll take the loss if she doesn't go.....but I have to try as I'm moving out of her house at the end of the month and this is the last try. I just don't have the money to secure anything so that we can set up an intervention and then have somewhere to go. The only thing I think I can do is set up an intervention and hope that she will let us take her to the hospital afterward.....her health is horrible and as my father put it last night when he came to try to help me talk to her....."I only knew how you're health was through what Jenny was telling me. In all honesty I thought she was exaggerating but you look like death warmed over."
I am about to get off work and head back to the house. I plan on talking to her again. I told her last night that if she thought I was just going to go away and sweep this under the rug, she was extremely mistaken. I wish I could explain how bad off she was. I know that if the hospital took one look at her, they would admit her.....she's about 90 lbs (maybe) and her eyes are yellowing. To me that would be enough for anyone to admit her and keep her there for a few days...but I know that's not the way the system works.
Anyways, at this point....this is the last ditch effort. I have two of her friends meeting me tomorrow after work and maybe....just maybe the three of us can talk some sense into her. BUT I have a feeling tomorrow's talk will just illicit the same response....a deadened version on my mother sitting on the couch....with nothing to say in her defence except, I'm not ready.
She'll be ready when she's on her death bed in a few months, MAYBE....or maybe she'll still be drinking her wine then.
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Old 11-29-2005, 02:06 PM
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Jen... This is a lot for you to go through. I planned my ex wifes intervention for two months. It all boiled down to she would have to be willing to admit herself UNLESS, you go the involuntary committal route. That is not an easy task either. You would have to prove she’s' a danger to herself or others and convince a judge of that. A trip to the ER with documented medical reports, or a DUI would rack up a case in support of that. I know, the system sucks!
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Old 11-29-2005, 02:20 PM
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I have insurance and tried to go through INOVA CATS and it's not cheap. Basically I'm trying to do it on my own. I don't know if it would be cheaper if I didn't have insurance but I've been told to say I don't have any so it would be cheaper.(not something I would feel good lying about). Anyway, I can tell you there is a place a friend of mine went to in Annandale that's called Harrison House. From what I hear they are pretty reasonable. The phone and address is: 703-256-6474 5105 Q Backlick Rd. Annandale, VA 22003 Hope this helps.
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Old 11-30-2005, 11:16 AM
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Well, here's the update. Tonight is my last attempt. Two of my mom's friends are meeting me at her house. We will then talk to her. HOPEFULLY this will do some good and we can convince her to come with me or one of them to the hospital. This is my only option (minus involuntary commital) left. Try to get her to the hospital and then start getting her detoxed.
Let's hope this works.
If not, I'll be needing lots of support in the coming weeks, as I'll be moving out of her house and into my new townhouse. Once there, I will be limiting my contact with her. I was thinking, maybe I should take her pets with me when I leave (she has a dog and a cat) because she's not taking care of them either.....I guess if you are barely alive, how can anyone expect you to care for your animals, right. So I've been making sure they've been getting fed. Do you guys think I should take her pets with me? Maybe I should bring that up tonight?
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Old 11-30-2005, 11:26 AM
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Good luck tonight Jen. I hope she agrees to detox, but you know that you have to be prepared for the worst case possibility. For some reason the pet thing is a sticker for me... If she's incapable of caring for them I don't think I would want to leave them. Would hate for the pets to appear as a punishment tool if tonight flops... But then again, the pets might give her something to take care of... Wow... this pet thing really threw me for a loop!
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Old 11-30-2005, 11:42 AM
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Yeah, my mom loves her dog like she loves me. Cocoa is her baby. She sleeps with her every night, etc. BUT I noticed a few weeks ago that Cocoa started losing weight. So I started watching to see if mom was just 'forgetting' to feed her or what. Needless to say, the drinking which is affecting her health is affecting her pets health now. I started feeding them both (the cat and the dog) when I noticed the weight loss. My thinking is....when I move out, I will either need to come by the house at least once every other day to check on the animals or I will have to take them with me when I move out. Another problem that arises from this....I already have a LARGE dog and a cat. Not to mention, my boyfriend (who I will be moving in with) has a dog as well. Now we aren't moving into a mansion...just a regular old townhouse.....THREE dogs and TWO cats. I think it's just going to be too much but I also can't bare to leave the animals at her house, where I know they won't be taken care of.....

Wait a second.......I just thought of something.....ONE DAY AT A TIME. Maybe I should use that right now. Why am I worried about what might happen down the road. I don't even know if my mom will go into the hospital tonight or if she will stay at home. I don't know what will happen after tonight, so why don't I just wait and see....then figure this all out.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:18 PM
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AA is free.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:26 PM
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Sure, once denial is no longer an issue.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:27 PM
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aa is free? not sure I get this.....

and jazz.....what do you mean?

I'm still new to all of this.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:30 PM
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There is no chagre to attend AA meetings. Would your Mom attend AA meetings right now? I doubt she will while she's in denial that her addiction is destroying her life.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:35 PM
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ok....thanks, I'm a bit slow sometimes. LOL
I didn't know if bluemoon was implying I should go to AA. I've started going to Alanon meetings but I haven't gotten the courage to talk at any of the meetings I've attended. But it feels good just to listen to other people describe the mistakes they have made and how they have applied the steps to their lives. Maybe one day I will feel confident enough to speak.

I'm nervous about tonight.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:36 PM
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I was suggesting AA for 'mom' -

imho - if she's still in denial, rehab is a waste of time and money.
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Old 11-30-2005, 12:48 PM
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Bluemoon....all of this might be a waste of time. I understand that. I also understand that you can't make an alcoholic see the error of their ways until they are ready to see it. Maybe I should explain a little bit for you. I will be moving out of my mom's house at the end of the month and everything I've been doing these past few weeks is just my last attempt to try to help. I have to try for my own sanity. Her health is failing and she needs help, I can not in good conscious leave the house without trying desperately to help her. I think everyone that has dealt with an alcoholic understands my need to try for one last time. I will then give up.
Loving detachment is probably (more then likely) what I will have to face after tonight. I understand that and it makes me sad knowing that tonight probably won't help. Tomorrow I will still have a practicing alcoholic as a mother. I have come to accept this, although after tonight it will be my turn to walk away. That is what I will need the most help with.
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Old 11-30-2005, 01:20 PM
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I DO understand completely jen! I don't envy your situation in the least bit.

I didn't mean to come off the way I did - - just recently made the decision to walk away from my 2 A-brothers and my mom (queen of enabling) - guess my crankiness and bitterness dripped over onto you - - sometimes, I find myself writing what I think is a reply, only to discover that I was really writing to MYSELF.

Hang in there - I DO care!!
***hugs***

Blessings,
Blue
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Old 11-30-2005, 01:25 PM
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blue...trust me, I know how things can be misunderstood on the net. I didn't take what you said badly, at all. I know that everyone on here posts for help or to help. And we've all been through some sh*t at some point along the way and that's what brought us here......
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Old 11-30-2005, 03:07 PM
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