equus

I feel good right now but life is good, easier than it's been for a long time. When I go back to work I might be offered a second lot of counselling sessions - my manager was going to ask for me before I went off, things were different then to now.

I have mixed feelings whether to take it. If I take it and use it perhaps it wouldn't be offered again, maybe I would need it more in the future. Alaternatively I could take it on the basis of grounding myself better.

So this is what I'm trying to understand because it'll help me decide what's best to do (or perhaps just because the above dilema set me thinking):
When life is hard, I mean when there are unavoidable difficult decisions each day and regular events that are hard to take in my stride, at those times when I feel real happiness I also feel confident of my own strength. Times like now where there's so much to be happy about, being happy is as easy as falling off a log - BUT I wonder sometimes if it's 'real' or just because life's good?

Now here's where it gets complicated! Is it better to rest and just enjoy an easy time or to be cautious not to be over confident, forgetting how fragile happiness can sometimes be? Sometimes I think it makes so much sense to just enjoy what is without bloody complicating it, somehow preparing inside for future distress takes the shine off now. On the other hand if I could find a way to make things inside me solid focusing on the positives it would put me in good stead - but then unless there's distress how would I know it's solid?

I had a horrible nightmare last night and felt again feelings which seemed so familiar a month ago, or even 3 weeks ago, even when D woke me up I still felt a mess because it had felt so real. Have I really got stronger or did life just get easier?

Am I just being a plonker and finding stupid random stuff to worry about out of habit?

Minx1969

Equus,

Don't know if this will help or not? For me..recovery (be it Alanon, self-help books, counselling) is a life long process. When it comes down to it, I'm still me whether it is a good time in my life or not..I stay in Alanon today because I'm still learning new ways to act (even though I'm not with an alcoholic).. I have too thought about going back to counselling because I still have issues (anxiety etc) that I wrestle with..

I want to be the best functioning person I can be..so when life inevitable changes I can deal with it effectively..

Today my life is good..mostly drama free (except what I create in my own mind) but I know that I still have things to work on..

I STILL have negative messages that play in my mind..granted..it's better then years before..but they still pop up..

I guess if it was me..I'd do the counselling..Don't see how it could hurt..

cupowater

I hope I am understanding you right. If so, I have the same delema. When they are nice, and you are having a good day/time with them, its sort of like waiting for the other shoe to drop. For me, I don't want to accept any gifts or money, cause I know it will be thrown up in my face in the future. Or when there is a day he is not drinking, and everything seems "normal", you just know that tomorrow, he will be back at the bar S*#@ faced all over again. I hold back! I can't give my all to someone like that.
My mother and I were talking about it one time, and she said "A's" are good at that. They give, and they take away again. It's that old roller coaster!

equus

It's not really about D being nice or not, actually he's a bit irritable at the moment but only 'cos he's nervous about the new job, we still get on.

Whatever happens I know hard stuff will happen in the future, life just isn't a fairytale. If he gets treatment now things have improved it might change what happens in the future but I reckon he'll get ill again and that's always going to make lapses and relapses more likely. Even if that never happened we'd have other hard stuff to face just because people do.

At the moment I feel so much release from recent events. Thoughts cross my mind like he may really have got through this bout without help - he has before, he might be on the way out the otherside for real, rather than just holding it together so he can get back to work. That thought feels like heaven to me, like suddenly now I don't need all the things I've learned just for the basics I'm aware of them and they feel like a luxury. Then another part wonders if it's no more than the euphoria you feel when a great weight is lifted (even putting down a heavy rucksack!).

Thinking about counselling, having a bad nightmare, made me wonder how 'real' my own current feelings are. But they feel real and another part of me thinks maybe it's just natural (like putting down a heavy rucksack) and I should just be enjoying it without a spoon full of analysis spoiling the flavour.

If I went for the counselling would I just rake over how it's felt the past months? Or could I really gain a confidence that I'm better equipped for next time, next hard thing?

cwohio

i think i understand equus - would you have the same counselor and were you comfortable with them? i guess it kind of depends on your relationship with the counselor if it's the same one.

i think sometimes we can all become "over-analytical" and forget to just enjoy the moment.

equus

Unless they've changed counsellor at work Social Services has it's own and I do feel very comfortable with her.

Just before D went on the anti depressents I paid for a session with her after having had my six sessions in march/april. I didn't go back because she felt there wasn't alot she could help me with to make things easier. That was at the time when D would just sleep after work, stopped reading, playing on the computer, everything - down to checking his clothes were the right way out!! That was all before he took AD's and whether because of them or not we wound up with the opposite problem!!

It seems a lifetime ago, I don't think I've forgotten the things she helped me with then, I'm not even sure what I'd want help with now - except maybe how to make preparing a positive experience so that it doesn't take the shine off everything. Or perhaps how to remember the worst things without remembering I didn't feel like I was coping. Just a few weeks ago I was pleading with a doctors receptionist just saying I didn't know what to do, I just didn't know, or the fear when I knew he was out there somewhere and NOT ok.

Am I frightened of it? YES!! I don't know whether I can remove that fear, or how to feel like I did cope/can cope. If someone could help me with that without just reliving it and being in the same place, I'd do anything to get that help. I'm not sure it's possible though.