Aquiana

Just a short vent here. G's probation officer called this morning to ask how he's doing. Is he going to A.A.? Of course he's not, but I of course can't say that. Well, I can, but I can't. I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about. If I tell the truth he's in big trouble. If I don't, I feel like crap because I hate lying. So I feel like crap now. I'm venting because I think it's stupid that they put the family/spouse in that position. I mean they have to know how many of us are going to lie. I would like to say, no he's not. I'd like to say he needs major help still even though he's been very well behaved for a while. I'd at least like to say that I don't want anything to do with that situation but that would probably be a dead give-away that he's not.

I'm thinking about finding out who I can write a letter to about how ridiculous the whole thing is. For those of you who don't remember he's been court ordered to attend A.A. for his impaired charge but since it's annonymous, (spelling sorry) they can't check to see if he actually goes. Of course since he's an A he's going to lie....don't they get that? And the Co-de, probably not getting the truth out of them either. Duh! A big slap on the wrist in other words. I'm going to tell them they should either come up with a way for them to be able to check themselves or just forget it, it's a waste of time.

Grrrrrr......

BlueMoon

REALLY quick response:
YES THEY CAN check to see if he's going to meetings! I am also in AA and there is FREQUENTLY someone there who needs their paper signed by the mtg chairman to HAVE PROOF that they attended a mtg.

The probation officer is being EXTREMELY UNFAIR to expect YOU to answer those questions. THAT IS NOT YOUR JOB OR RESPONSIBILITY!!! It puts you in one hell of a ****** position, the prob. officer IS aware of that and it's just plain tacky! (imho)

You could "respectfully decline to answer that question" in the future.

Blessings,
Blue

dads-a-fool

i agree with bluemoon

Aquiana

Ahhh, they do have a sheet he has to get signed. He signs it himself. This has been going on for over a year now and they haven't figured it out yet.


I totally don't think it's fair that I'm responsible to rat him out either. Not only not fair but if they knew much about the whole A/Co-de relationship, not likely either. No wonder there's guys going in there all the time for mulitple impaireds.

minnie

Can you say "You'll have to ask him?" it's not up to you to police anything, whether it be his probabtion or his recovery.

And I don't agree with court-ordered AA attendance. How dare the judicial system hi-jack a Fellowship like that as part of their system?

ASpouse

Thank you Minnie for saying that, I was about to say the same thing. Aquiana, you are putting yourself in that position. Just tell the PO to ask him. Simple and it leave you out of it.

As far as him signing the sheet himself, they'll find out. They can check with the meeting leader if they choose to.

ASpouse

Years ago my husband had to go to NA and AA, required by probation. Every week when he reported, he had to show them the sheet. They could easily make a copy and check out the meeting or ask the parolee where the meeting was.

The meeting leader is easy enough to pick out ..... he's the one who runs the meeting which is a 90 day commitment. It would be quite simple to attend that meeting and after the meeting approach meeting leader with a picture and ask if that person had attended. It's not violating anonymity, I would think.

It doesn't sound in this case that the probation officer is even doing his job and I would report him simply for that.

Cap3

Hey Aquiana,i dont get into anything,unless,i want to.People can ask me anything.but its up to me,what i will or will not answer.Just because they throw the ball in my direction,doent mean that i have to catch it.And ive learned the hard way of course,lol,to mind my own bussiness..smile...This is "he,s" probation officer.The key is that its not your probation officer,nor anyone elses.Its 'his"...and he must report to him...
I cant say how anyone will find soberiety.Whether they be court-ordered or not.This from a flyer i got at a AA meeting.How AA members cooperate with professionals..Number6..we cannot discriminate against any prospective AA member,even if they come to us under pressure from a court,an employer or any other agency.Although the strenght of our program lies in the voluntary nature of membership in AA,many of us first attend meetings because we were forced to,either by someone else or by inner discomfort.But continuel exposure to AA educated us to the true nature of our illness.The the desire was formed..
I dont care,as an AA member,{im not AA itself},, how an Alcoholic finds his/her way to our recovery programs.Whether they be court-ordered,or their wife/hubby,carries them,to a meeting, on their backs,and throws them into an AA meeting,on da floor.,in front of us.The important thing is ,is that they are here,with us,for this hour.And the miracle can happen anytime for them.Many court-ordered,folks have stayed with recovery.And some have not.But no matter what...the seed has been planted.AA,s name is never connected to any other enterprize.But if they do,enforce another to come to AA,i personally have no issue with this..Ya just never know how things will work out,for another.God,s plan,not my plans.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!

Aquiana

Well, I told him (G) to make sure he told them next time that I wasn't going to be answering any questions about it anymore. If nothing else I got the number off my call display so I just won't answer. I told G that I can't stop him from lying about it but I'm not going to lie for him.

I agree with Minnie that they shouldn't be forcing him to attend. It's a waste of time really. Even if he went, his heart isn't in it and it just takes time away from people who are really serious about quitting. He'd go because he had to and then come home for a beer.

Also Judy I've thought about complaining about his PO officer. I don't know if she's doing her job as well as she is able under the annonymity thing or whether she's just to lazy to check into it. I'd like to find out. As far as I'm concerned if you are court ordered to attend something, you've waived your right to annonymity.

IMO he should have went to jail. He's a repeat offender and they should have figured out after charge number two that he wasn't going to quit. He's shouldn't even have had the ability to fight it.

BlueMoon

Ya know - - I'm going to hazard a guess that maybe, just MAYBE, they (PO) DO know he's trying to screw with the system. hmmm?
Judges take a VERY dim view of being 'tricked'! Automatic jail time where I live.

When I figured out that my AH wasn't "getting away with" diddley squat, that it'd all bite him in the a$$ sooner or later - - - it became so much easier for me to let go of the possible outcomes - that freed up even MORE energy for me to spend on ME and MY serenity.

I've had to figure out day by day, moment by moment, what MY BOUNDARIES were. Somedays it was to "respectfully decline" - other days it was to call the police on him myself.
I did WHATEVER I needed to to help ME live with MYSELF.

It ended when I felt I needed to feel a butcher knife in my hand as I very quietly + calmly told him "You have to leave now." I had every intention of putting it thru his heart.

Everyone has their own boundaries, their own limits, their own timeline for deciding which way to go. Same as some A's have lower 'bottoms' than others - so do we who love them have different bottoms.

It's OK to make a decision, change your mind, and do it all over again. WHATEVER gets you thru today and gives you a bit of serenity.


As far as being court-ordered to attend AA:
SOMETIMES it does work! I've seen alot of people over the years collect multiple year chips when they started out as court ordered. It plants the seed and that's what's important. The seed may not sprout right away, but it IS there.


Idget
Where I live, there is a record of who 'chaired' what meeting, as well as how many people attened that particular mtg. First name, last initial. But it'd be a simple matter to check if that name matched with what was signed on the paper - no anonimity threatened at all. It'd be easy to say "So, was the Wed. nite mtg a big mtg or a small one?" and verify that.

As far as would the chair offer the info or not? Hmmm. depends on the person. Most people who have a chunk of sobriety also "work an honest program" - we have a hard time lying to ANYONE. (We sometimes 'decline to reply" ) -
PERSONALLY, I would NOT help someone deceive law enforcement in any way. After all, it could be my g-daughter's vehicle that a drunk driver hits. (for example) - and there were multiple times that I reported my AH as a drunk driver - - -
~~~~~

Aquiana ~
I hear *myself* in your posts and so I have to ask:
Who are you REALLY mad at, your AH, his PO, or yourself?

****many hugs****
Blue

Zoey

I agree with Cap3, Court ordered gets them through those doors. For an A getting through those doors for the first time is such a frightening thing.

I also believe that a few meetings spoil their drinking.
It may not look like it and may take years, but it is in their subconsious, also when they hit bottom they know where to go and the fear of walking through those doors are gone. IMO court ordered is a plus.

It was mentioned, it was a waste of time for the AA members to have court ordered people. They love helping , the new drunk is the most important person at the meeting.
That is their goal to help others, that is part of what keeps them sober.
Might I suggest you find the AA Big Book on line and learn about AA. Also you can attend an open AA meeting. Bill and Bob deceided the only way they could stay sober was to help other alcoholics. (They loved a wet drunk. )
(Pg 84 BB =Love and tolorence is our code)