TexasGirl

So yesterday, my H comes home from work. I'm usually home from work before he is. I almost always greet him at the door, and when I did yesterday, he was smiling, nice, and happy to see me. Usually, he brushes by me with some "I'm too busy right now" or something before he starts complaining about how much he works and how little I do, or starts barking out orders, or being mean. So I responded, of course, to this rarity. You know, you read in those "improve your relationship" books to give positive reinforcement when you like something they've done. So I kept talking about how nice he was being and how I loved it, and we generally had a great night, despite the drinking. But since then, I'm realizing how ridiculous this sounds. I get excited when my husband is nice to me????? Isn't that something you expect from your spouse??? And then I realized something else too. It's more about how he treats me than if he drinks. All I want from my husband is to be treated nicely. Yes, when he gets sloppy drunk, that's another thing, but his weeknight drinks are different. Again, I have some serious thinking to do...

Jazzman

I know what you mean...
All I need is to be treated halfway nice and bang! I'll jump trough hoops for you. But I'm thinking it has more to do with me and my pre-programmed responses than the other person or even relationship dynamics in general. I read through a bunch of self-help and improve your relationship books during rough spots in my 1st marriage. I can tell you unless both parties are reading them it's just frustrating for the most part. I ended up giving them away.. LOL!! But having a front row seat to relationship dynamics with an active addict, it throws a screw diver in the works, not quite the same... I was so conditioned to being treated like crap, the few moments of normalcy took on a whole different meaning than just coming home from work in a good mood, for a change...
Interesting

Cap3

TG,Thank you fro sharring.One of,my dear friend,turns in real "ugly",on me,if i dont see the good in another.She says to keep looking until i find,this and to focus on this.And when i grip to her about others,she asks me,so what wolf are you feeding into today,the negitive,or postive.
I really like her way.She says to,and im starting to actually see this,is when i put another person,down,i too am not feeling so hot about myself.afterwards.Im feeling my own words towards another.
Let healing and a new way to live,begin with me......Im trying....smile...

minnie

And if he doesn't?

I've shared with you before about how it didn't matter to me whether R drank or not, it was the behaviour that counted. I think that is probably the case for most of us - I can't imagine feeling so discontented just because someone had a drink. I don't feel that way when I go to the local for a few beers with my brother or some friends.

The bottom line for me was not "Why does he not respect me?", but "Why do I not respect myself?" After all, if I did, I would have walked at the first (or maybe 2nd) red flag. Once I got to the bottom of that, all the answers came to me.

Jazzman

I have had this conversation with a good friend of mine before. I if go out w/ friends and have a few, I get happy and goofy when I get a buzz. I have been exposed to plenty of mean drunks in my day and you hear that alcohol doesn't change the inner person, only magnifies their personality. Or removes inhibitions to their true self. I guess I just don't like to be around mean people. I like the happy people I choose to associate with much better. I have learned to trust my gut reaction to a red flag much better.

pmaslan

When John was nice to me I would begin to wonder what was up. Usually it was more like polite indifference and we just kind of co-existed. If i got more than that, it usually followed up with wanting something from me. Typically, that would be money and later after he lost his auto, mine. I just find most alcoholics to be motive driven and apply their behaviours to the mission they wish to accomplish. In other words all part of the game. I have to agree though in the beginning, before I got wise, I used to be excited too when he was nice and sober....but the shoe always dropped.