Soul Catcher

I got a call from my ah and he wants to try detoxing again. This will be his fourth time or fifth, quit counting. He hasn't lived with us in a long time because of his alcholism and the way it's messed up his way of thinking his behaviour. He's just now.....lots of years later that everyone is turning their backs on him. As usual he's "scared" of failing. I told him just because he has failings doesn't make him a failure. I told him to not think of it as a BIG thing. To think of it as a choice and only a choice. All he has to do is make a choice to not take a drink, not to make it any bigger then that.
I don't think I ever told you guys this but up until a year and a half ago I would go out once in a while and my problem was when I started drinking I didn't know what my limit was. Maybe a binge drinker. I know what it's like to go bowling or a party or anything and associate it with drinking. My kids changed me, I had to make a choice of what was more imortant. I remember when I was younger thinking "if someone told me I could never drink again that I don't think I could do it" At that time.....it scared me. Learning more and more and more about the alcohol I think I have caught on to it's evils. I want to support him however it seems like the regular ploy for sympathy and in a few weeks he'll be back to drinking.....It's hard on me to even be supportive at this point. I know I am all he has that truely cares for what happens to him. If he doesn't do it he will die and he will die soon. His looks have faded, his personality is bitter, his skin has a dark yellow, purplish hugh. His body...his skin is soft to the touch and has no strength to it. If their is muscle left...it's weak. I pray for a Christmas miracle. So any advice on multiple tries to detox or any words of wisdom or any thing you think will help me to stay strong would be appreciated.

gelfling

Hello Soul,

During the heaviest times of my husband's drinking, I took up drinking to excess. But I got nothing out of it and quit. It didn't solve my problems. So, don't have shame for what you did. I think lots of us tried it.

You've been reading the posts here long enough to know that his recovery is his alone. You've got to focus on yours and the care of your children.

If you feel it's another grab for sympathy because he's run out of people, you already know what to do. Let his actions speak for him.

Gabe

Soul, I've found that detaching from the outcome is the best thing to do in situations like this. Here is what Deepak Chapra has to say about that:

"Detaching from the outcome of our efforts requires an element of trust: Trust the Universe and will work out the details. Trust there is more than one way to get what we want and uncertainty has more to offer than just anxiety. Trust that stepping into the field of infinite possibility will bring an infinity of choices, excitement, adventure, magic to your everyday life.

To acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. This doesn’t mean you give up the intention to create your desire. You don’t give up the intention and the desire. You give up your attachment to the result.

This is a very powerful thing to do. The moment you relinquish your attachment to the result, combining intention with detachment at the same time, you will have your desire. Anything you want can be acquired through detachment, because detachment is based on the unquestioning belief in the power of your true Self."

minnie

SC, this is a tough situation.

I have a big problem with the word "try". To me, it is setting oneself up for failure. There's no "I've had enough" in there. And scared of failing? He'd be doing that if he didn't seek help.

You are already separated. You can watch his actions from afar. He has all the support he needs in AA/counselling/rehab/church or whatever. All I would say is - don't make the situation worse by monitoring his attempts or putting him under pressure.

Gabe is right, detachment is the key. And don't take action until you see sustained results.

Soul Catcher

Your right, he does have all the support he needs in those places! So by not monitoring.....do I talk to him about it? What if he needs a friend? I don't plan on doing what I used to do but to only offer words of encouragement. Do you think that's ok? I guess I feel that since he is the father of my children I would like to offer encouragement for sobriety...for my children kinda on their behalf. He knows where I stand as far as offering any thing more. He's exhausted any thing else from me. I don't know what the outcome will be and I can probably say he won't stay sober so I really don't have any "happy" feelings about this detox, it's just another attempt.
He has also told me he's afraid to fail again. He's scared he will drink again after this attempt. I guess there's no telling what can happen. I have seen a man at the age of 60 finally get sober and find God, so who knows. So do I detach completley or talk to him as a friend?

Jazzman

I don't know, can you be his friend? What is the cost to you if you try this balancing act? Can you be his friend from a distance? Have you tried that before and if so, was it succesful for you? Were you sucked into the drama or did you stand your ground?

meli2005

I would tell him you support him and hope he does finally go into recovery this time after his detox, but nothing more than that. He has to do the rest. Tell him you are praying for him nad let him know that you do care. I wouldn't interrupt life too much to help him. Let his actions speak. I hope from what you say it is not too late for him to get better.

meli2005

Tell him it's a continual struggle to fight alcoholism. yes, he might fail, but he has to get back up and get back onto the wagon again and keep fighting.

Soul Catcher

When talking with him today he said something that made me reconsider talking any more to him then I did.....When I called him and said "what are you doing?" He said "pondering" so to me that was a flag AND..... he said his doctor told him one rehab to go to and then said another and he said that discouraged him. He said he would go to the one he went to before and I brought up the point "ummm don't you owe them like $1000 so they won't take you" He said "probably not" and I said "Now I get it, you talk about going and your going to go to the one that you KNOW might NOT take you and turn you away, so you can call me and give me the b.s that you tried and they wouldn't take you"............He hung up. So I think I hit the nail on the head. Plus I asked him if he had a plan when he got out and he said "I'm sure the doctor will have one" and I said "first thing you DON'T do is depend on anyone else for your sobriety, you need to have a plan" SO there's ANOTHER flag, he has NO plan, no program, no clue. He's not ready if you ask me.

minnie

As I said If you've had enough, you don't just ponder.

Good for you, SC, that you have detached enough to be able to really listen to the words, not just hear them.

Soul Catcher

Thank you minnie, I would hope I am to that point by now. I also agree about the "I've had enough" statement too.

Soul Catcher

Boy did I ever call that one......He didn't go to detox. I didn't even hear from him over Thanksgiving. He didn't call his children either. The "excuse" I got was "they didn't have any beds" and "they want me tonight at seven" and then I got "I would have to stay seven days and we need the money"......I just said "whatever" and hung up. Do you think purchasing a grave plot for a Christmas presend would be in bad taste?? That's his future so what better way to help him right? A nice grave site and maybe he can choose from several different colors of coffins. I'm serious. He is just flat out pathdic.

BlueMoon

I have a friend who was in 'treatment' 26 times in 16 yrs. Today, he's been sober for 12 years and is very active in AA.

Anything is possible!

Blue

Soul Catcher

26 times???? Wow. Mine is only on four. I think he needs about that many. Thanks for your encouragement....I think. hahahaha