Heathenwench

Does anyone here cycle between unbelievable love and EXTREME hate for their A? An example for me would be, laying in bed next to my AH after I finally got him to come home from his mothers after leaving me & our 2 kids pennyless w/ electricity about to be turned off, for 3 months while he got a settlement & didn't see fit to send us any of it. I just layed there in my glory, feeling such love. But then once he was there for awhile I started thinking about all of it, what was said & done and the hate I felt was scary. I still pray to God that he just dies(easy way out) so I can get on with my life. Am I crazy or do others feel these feelings too?

gelfling

Hi Heathen,

Welcome to SR and to normal thoughts. It was for me. I had him insured to the max hoping he'd....

Nothing wrong with you my dear.

lojomama

I too find myself wishing my AH would just pass on. Of course, then I feel convicted & horrified that I had such a thought!! When he is in a dry spell, if things are somewhat normal, then I love him, but when he starts it all up again, I can hardly stand to even look at him. It makes me wonder how he can continue to keep hurting his family like he does. It's hard to see the one person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with, destroying himself (physically, mentally). My heart goes out to you.

Heathenwench

After 13 year of telling him NO to a motercycle, it was to dangerous. Do I sound like his mom or what? I agreed to him getting one in hopes he would >>> you know.

TomsGirl

You love the person and hate the addict. At least that's how it is for me. But one is rolled up into the other and sometimes it's hard to separate the two. And of course, as time goes on, the "real person" shows up less and less until all you're left with is the addict. Addicts are very, very easy to hate.

cwohio

yes heathenwench - but i learned to tell myself over and over that it was the DISEASE i hated because when you get down to it, that's what really is the crux of all the anger, sadness and hatred. the person is sooo buried under the disease it's very hard to see them at all sometimes.

pmaslan

Christie is right.....but....
Until we are in recovery we can not see the forest thru the trees.....
I spent so much time going back and forth between
love and hate with John I never knew which end was up!!!!
Now that I have a year of recovery under my belt,
I view him and the disease as 2 separate entities...
but it took me quite awhile to get there...
You aren't feeling any different than some of us have at one time or another.....
(((Kim)))

TexasGirl

OK, let me add one more dimension to this then. When I met my H, he was drinking, well we both were (in college) a lot. Was he an A at that time? Is an A an A the first time they drink? I don't know. I didn't know about alcoholism then. So did I fall in love with the person/addict combo? Because like you Heathen, I have those love/hate things too. Is the controlling behavior that started the month before we said "I do" really him or really the addict. Now I'm confused. I'm not trying to hijack the thread...just trying to grasp the love/hate thing too.

pmaslan

TexasGirl...I think that is where AA / Alanon really come in. First you need to learn about the disease, how it starts, who is suspectable, so on....
I have read in your posts that you question if your H is really an alcoholic or not. Reading the "Big Book" and "Under the Influence" should shed some light on this for you. Until we are educated we are confused.....

meli2005

Yes, those are normal. He left you and your kids in a bad position, you have a right to be extremely angry at him and the situation. He was only thinking of self. One time I told my AH I wanted him to die when he was actively drinking and he was moving out on us. It shocked me, but sometimes someone just causes us so much pain, we wish they would be gone from our lives.

meli2005

I think the point at which one becomes an alcoholic varies a lot. For some it's the first drink. others it is years later after their body becomes dependent on alcohol, etc. I'm sure he was different Texasgirl when you married him.

I have thought about that a lot myself.

TomsGirl

One day my AH was totally s-faced, sitting on the sofa like a zombie. I said to him "I'll say this now because it's really awful, but true, and you're so wasted you won't remember I said it anyway." I then said "I fantasize about your death". So sad. I'll have to ask him if he remembers my saying it next time I go visit him.

prodigal

My husband can be thoughtful. When he is, I don't think he has any motive; however, I begin to feel he is trying to expunge the guilt he feels from acting like an abusive lunatic when he drinks.

I've learned not to get my hopes up nor pin my hapiness on his "kindness." Perfect example: a week ago Tuesday he sat here half-bagged and kept calling me a f***ing b***h until I threw him out on the threat I'd call the police. I didn't hear from him for a day, then he came around and was polite but distant, the next day, he brought me flowers and took me out for the evening! Yikes! If I hung onto this roller coaster for long, I'd be puking my brains out!

I still have that momentary flash of hope when he behaves normally, but that's the codie in me crying out. I know that. When he behaves like a sarcastic, nasty drunk I begin to hate him.

Bottom line: I still hate parts of him, love parts of him, but realize he is not an integrated, whole human being. Basically, he is shattered into many different personalities. I have to remind myself not to pander to any of the parts.

Do I love him? No, I love what I remember as the sweet, kind, geeky engineer I feel for. What he has become is an angry, insensitive bore. On the other hand, he probably was an angry, insensitive bore. He just misrepresented himself and I didn't see the obvious red flags flapping in the breeze ...

minnie

And I think you have hit the nail on the head for many of us.

lojomama

I couldn't agree more...My AH & I were originally engaged, but I broke it off after he called me all the time drunk. Then he started acting like he was seriously in recovery (amazing what good actors they become when they want something). He fooled everyone, so we started our relationship back up slowly. By the time our wedding day came around, he was smoking MJ w/his brother while he waited for me to get dressed!!! (I didn't find out until years later) One of my biggest complaints, is that he puts on such a show to "prove" he's not drinking, when he could be focusing all that energy into actually recovery!

cupowater

Yes. I think sometimes that one of the reasons I don't complain when he takes off to the bar. The more he drinks, the worse his health will be, and then.....

BlueMoon

Ohhhhhhhh yessssssssss!
I've felt more insane since AH became X-AH ---- *groan*
I'e gone from thinking that I would do ANYTHING to "get him back" (he's in prison btw) - to plotting how I was going to knife him. I didn't "just" plot - it was becoming an all-consuming fantasy - a joyous thing to think about.
Then the next day, I'd find myself composing passionate letters - - - - and thankfully catching myself BEFORE I sent them.

In bouncing from extreme to extreme, I think I've finally found the healthy middle-ground. I call it apathy.

Blue

minnie

Hiya Blue!! Haven't seen you around in a while.

Nice. I call it indifference.

ilovefabfour

I'm working on indifference or apathy.....not doing such a great job. I try to "fake" it, and I think that if I fake it enough, I may get the hang of it. Any advice would be appreciated.

BlueMoon

hiya minnie! I'm back from taking a break from doing healthy (read: NICE) things for myself! Seems everyonce in a while I need to re-check and see if maybe I *can* do it by myself. Ummmm - I'm relieved to say I still can't.

Ilovefabfour: I wish I could tell you how I managed to get to 'apathy'. I think it's just been TRYING to work my program(s) these past 18 months - trying to honestly LOOK at and examine my bouncing emotions and letting myself FEEL them (to a point - no knives, no MAILING letters) - -
I think I've finally reached a point where I am just SOOOOOOOOOO FRIGGIN' TIRED of trying to DEAL with it, figure it out, on + on + on. I just got TIRED of all the effort it was taking to love someone who wasn't treating me the way I FINALLY realied I DESERVE to be treated.

I think Realizing that I DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER was a huge part of all of that!

By letting myself FEEL all the emotions, not be afraid or ashamed of them, I started to see how insane the SITUATION truly is.

At one time (and for a LONG time), my x-AH was a fantastically gooooood man. Yeah, it'd be friggin' wonderful if that hadn't changed, if he would change back - it sucks to hear myself say that it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN - and ya know what? Even if it DID, I don't want to go back to living all the "What ifs".
I CAN, I know that I CAN - but TODAY, I CHOOSE NOT TO.
I'll decide about tomorrow when it gets here. I won't worry about it until then.

It's been a ROUGH road. It's involved more pain when that was the LAST thing I wanted. I know there's very prob'ly some more pain hiding up ahead.

IT IS SOOOO WORTH IT!

Be gentle with yourself, but firm. PRAISE yourself unmercifully - and hang with others who can see your progress and praise you even more. If you slip into momentary 'old behavior', don't beat yourself up! Look at it, see what you can do DIFFERENTLY (NOT "better") next time. Hang in there. BELIEVE.

Sorry for the rambling - ok, no I'm not!
I'm looking back at last year's Thanksgiving and I am grateful beyond words for the pain + struggle I've gone thru this past year. I am FINALLY learning WHO I AM - - and damn! I'm a darned good person!!! - LMAO

Hang in there! It is SOOOO worth it - the tears, the anger, the questioning - ALL worth it. I promise it is.

Many, many **hugs**
Blue