Love & Hate
Member
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Brownsburg Indiana
Posts: 63
I live with Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde! I never know who I'm going to meet at the door when I get home at night. Weekends can be very stressful that's for sure. When Mr. Hyde is around I can hardly stand to look at him let alone get caught in a conversation. His touch makes my skin crawl as I smell the alcohol radiate from his skin. But give me two days with Dr. Jekyll and I fall back in love. Shame on me for I too have thought the worst when Mr. Hyde shows up and stays for a long stretch.
God forgive me for these thoughts, for it is the weak I have come down on.
___________
Beck
God forgive me for these thoughts, for it is the weak I have come down on.
___________
Beck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 42
Wow, I thought I was the only one who entertained the thought of my AH dying. I felt like a bad human being for thinking this way. I am so glad I found this forum last night. Last night my AH fell and split open his face on the ceramic tile, of course it was my fault , you see I put the pillow on the floor that he stumbled over. When he fell I found that I was so calm and then I went back to the same old me I cleaned it up and got him an ice pack and helped him to bed, the whole time he was yelling at me. And then I went to my bedroom, yes we sleep in different bedrooms, and found this forum, thank god............................
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
I'm working on indifference or apathy.....not doing such a great job. I try to "fake" it, and I think that if I fake it enough, I may get the hang of it. Any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Broken Arrow, OK
Posts: 42
Quote from PRODIGAL:
Do I love him? No, I love what I remember as the sweet, kind, geeky engineer I feel for.
My husb was a computer nerd when I meet him, he was so smart, still is. I have often thought that his book inteligance is so great that there is no room for common sence, and they tend to get board with life and maybe that causes them to drink, What do you think????????
Do I love him? No, I love what I remember as the sweet, kind, geeky engineer I feel for.
My husb was a computer nerd when I meet him, he was so smart, still is. I have often thought that his book inteligance is so great that there is no room for common sence, and they tend to get board with life and maybe that causes them to drink, What do you think????????
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I have often thought that his book inteligance is so great that there is no room for common sence,
Wow - I've thought that about people in general for a good many years!
BUT - My ex-AH was a carpenter/construction worker - he had a tremendous amount of "common sense" - except when it came to alcohol.
I truly believe that alcoholism/addictions are more about insanity than intelligence.
I'm working on indifference or apathy.....not doing such a great job. I try to "fake" it, and I think that if I fake it enough, I may get the hang of it.
Yep, yep, yep!
That's what I do, what I've been doing.
I'm noticing that while my *feelings* might seem the same, my *ACTIONS* are becoming seemingly more "healthy" - it's becoming a bit easier to "automatically" do the healthier thing - less of an effort. I like it. It's leaving a bit more energy for me to work on the "feelings" part of it.
this is ME...EXACTLY.why do our emotions have to be so screwed up?? im am so tired of the bouncing back and forth i have been doing. though its definately not as bad as the first six months after the break up,i still am getting all these alternating feelings. and its wearing me down...
I think our emotions are screwed up cuz we've been living with (loving) someone who is *sick* - and/or insane. It spills off onto those around him/her.
For me, I think the getting tired of it, the feeling worn down - is the first BIG part of starting to be willing to let go -
Personally, I'm just SO damned sick + tired of dealing with people (my family!!!) who don't want to get well, who can't even see that it's *THEM* - not the boss, the landlord, the spouse, the world - etc ad nauseum
Yeah - I love who the A's in my life USED TO BE. I think those people are gone now.
Sometimes it feels like it'd be easier to grieve for them, grieve THEM, if they WERE dead. Dead would mean that there really *IS* no hope. Easier to let go.
Blessings,
Blue
Wow - I've thought that about people in general for a good many years!
BUT - My ex-AH was a carpenter/construction worker - he had a tremendous amount of "common sense" - except when it came to alcohol.
I truly believe that alcoholism/addictions are more about insanity than intelligence.
I'm working on indifference or apathy.....not doing such a great job. I try to "fake" it, and I think that if I fake it enough, I may get the hang of it.
Yep, yep, yep!
That's what I do, what I've been doing.
I'm noticing that while my *feelings* might seem the same, my *ACTIONS* are becoming seemingly more "healthy" - it's becoming a bit easier to "automatically" do the healthier thing - less of an effort. I like it. It's leaving a bit more energy for me to work on the "feelings" part of it.
this is ME...EXACTLY.why do our emotions have to be so screwed up?? im am so tired of the bouncing back and forth i have been doing. though its definately not as bad as the first six months after the break up,i still am getting all these alternating feelings. and its wearing me down...
I think our emotions are screwed up cuz we've been living with (loving) someone who is *sick* - and/or insane. It spills off onto those around him/her.
For me, I think the getting tired of it, the feeling worn down - is the first BIG part of starting to be willing to let go -
Personally, I'm just SO damned sick + tired of dealing with people (my family!!!) who don't want to get well, who can't even see that it's *THEM* - not the boss, the landlord, the spouse, the world - etc ad nauseum
Yeah - I love who the A's in my life USED TO BE. I think those people are gone now.
Sometimes it feels like it'd be easier to grieve for them, grieve THEM, if they WERE dead. Dead would mean that there really *IS* no hope. Easier to let go.
Blessings,
Blue
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Yes....isn't that why we all ride that dang "rollercoaster"?!
Yes, I do love the person and hate the addict; too bad they are one-and -the-same more and more as time goes by; but still, I see the person and am frustrated with myself. Well; at least I am in good company with you fine people!
Yes, I do love the person and hate the addict; too bad they are one-and -the-same more and more as time goes by; but still, I see the person and am frustrated with myself. Well; at least I am in good company with you fine people!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Idget
Looking back though, I think the "hate" part was just an intense feeling of a combination of 'fear'...fear for him, fear for me, and 'loss'....in those more and more Mr. Hyde moments, he was lost to me.
Sometimes when he passed out it seemed as though some of the stress left his face and he looked like my sweet love again. Other times, the anger that he passed out with froze on his face and I couldn't stand to look at him. He scared me.
I don't recall ever wishing that he would die (that's what I feared the most, that he would die)....but I do remember wishing that someone would help me take care of him. A family member, a doctor, AA, someone from his past.....at times I was so exhausted I wished that he would get caught driving while drunk so they would take him in for the night. At least maybe that way I knew that he wouldn't be drinking, he'd be safe, I'd be safe, and, I might be able to get more than a couple hours of sleep during the night.
Sounds to me like your feelings are perfectly normal and after reading the posts here, you're certainly not alone.
Sometimes when he passed out it seemed as though some of the stress left his face and he looked like my sweet love again. Other times, the anger that he passed out with froze on his face and I couldn't stand to look at him. He scared me.
I don't recall ever wishing that he would die (that's what I feared the most, that he would die)....but I do remember wishing that someone would help me take care of him. A family member, a doctor, AA, someone from his past.....at times I was so exhausted I wished that he would get caught driving while drunk so they would take him in for the night. At least maybe that way I knew that he wouldn't be drinking, he'd be safe, I'd be safe, and, I might be able to get more than a couple hours of sleep during the night.
Sounds to me like your feelings are perfectly normal and after reading the posts here, you're certainly not alone.
I hate to admit this but AH just had surgery for prostate cancer (in a different city, so only the kids and I were present). I am ashamed to say it was in someways the most stress-free week I have had in years! Granted, the surgery went well, the cancer was contained and no further treatment necessary......but he was asleep, cared for by others, women could only call him, I knew where he was and that he was alright, he was not able to bully me around because now he actually couldn't. He looked old and pathetic when he was asleep and all hooked up to bags and tubes.......not the arrogant person who has been acting in ways that break my heart...he lost "his power" and it felt good.
A week of eating out, staying in a hotel, no dogs to chase, no daily problems.....just visit at the hospital and eat with the kids and sight-see a bit.
The rest of the family was freaked with worry about his health and recovery.......I was "enjoying" an almost normal family for a few days......sad.
I know why I/we all feel guilt.......but really, I know alot of that is really "my sickness"........... I think that is part of the anger-love thing,too. Putting so much into them and getting cr@p back many times.......except that one time that keeps me hooked that "he" is coming back........sounds like a gambling addict, doesn't it?!
Sorry to ramble on......have just been able to "lurke" lately; went over-board!
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Hi there! - I think your feelings are very "normal" under the circumstances. I have often said there is a fine line between love and hate. My H says he is worth more dead than alive we often kid each other about it. Don't beat your self up for your thoughts because they are just that thoughts. It is sad he didn't want to give you or the kids any of his settlement. I sure you could of used it for something you needed. If u don't mind me asking did he **** it away on alcohol? I hope not. Be well and try to let go and let God. With love, Kerry
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
The rest of the family was freaked with worry about his health and recovery.......I was "enjoying" an almost normal family for a few days......sad.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Pick a name- You didn't go overboard, those are your feelings. That is what this place is all about. Stop lurking and share with us, we care about you. Those men on here please disregard my next statement Men are creeps- even those that are healthy and sober can act unfeeling and forget women have feelings. When the say " Men are from mars women are from Venus" they couldn't be more correct. Now that Pick a name is going overboard! With love,
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