feelingalone

Hi all. Thanks for the wonderful insights that you all have posted. As I sit here sobbing, I'm thinking (like I'm sure you all have) that I can't believe that this is my life. I am married to a wonderful man (when sober) and have been for nearly 8 years. We have two beautiful young children. I don't know what to do. I have always been concerned with my husband's drinking. His father, after all, is an alcoholic. I've always thought my husband drank "a little too much" but never crossed "that" line. Lately, however, his drinking has become progressively worse and I hate to be around him in the 2 hours or so before he goes to bed. He's always drunk then, and mad....about something, about anything. He's not physical but he's killing me emotionally. He is so mean and hateful when he wants to be. The next morning he'll might apologize and say that he just said it because I "came at him with all my guns." When all I do is beg him to not take another drink.

I don't know what to do. No one really knows. I suspect there are a few people who think things, but I've confided in no one. I love him, but this is killing me. I worry about my children. How they'll turn out if I stay or if I go. There aren't any right answers so it seems. When he's sober he'll blow it off. Sometimes, when he's drunk he'll admit to having a problem.

At this point, he hasn't reached rock bottom. His addiction hasn't really interfered with his job and he came still appear as the ideal dad.

What do you do? Just typing this is a step for me. The tons of bricks on my shoulders don't seem quite as heavy. I am ashamed, angry, hurt, and most of all so alone. I can't imagine living a lifetime like this. So that I'll get some peace I'll lay down with him so he'll go ahead and go to bed then I'll get up, just like I did tonight, to enjoy the peacefulness.

I read about being an enabler.....I guess I'm a little like the first two. No one really knows....but I'm also so mad about it. Tonight I was so pissed that I found his liquor and poured a ton of salt into it.

Please help me!

robina

You may be feeling alone, but you are not alone.
We too have felt the pain of havng an alcoholic family member.

Keep coming back, because we all find care, comfort, and understanding here.

Robin

Zoey

feeling alone... Welcome....

this is the greatest site ever, it will do wonders for your outlook, read eveything, the stickey's at the top and all the posts,
my lights are out, this is running on battery and about done .
Keep coming back.

lojomama

Feeling Alone...Hey there & welcome! Don't feel too alone, I'm in very similiar shoes, if you read my other posts, you'll see what I mean. I am awake right now, because my AH is sleeping in his recliner, as he usually is this time of night. I've found his bottles in the past, and poured them out!!! It makes you insane! I recently decided that I was going to quit worrying about him & what he has decided to do w/his life, simply because I can do nothing to change him. If he wants to drink, he is going to. And if I pour out his bottle, he will more than likely buy a new one the next day!! My husband, like yours, can also be very mean & nasty when he drinks. And his favorite line is "I'm working on it...", whenever I ask him what he is going to do about his addiction. He knows he's an alcoholic, and has been thru many programs, yet still chooses to live in his addiction. Since that is the case, and because of the profound things I've learned from this site, I've decided to get me well & let him to his own devices.
Keep coming here, it is so therapeutic to be able to spill your guts to those who understand what you're going thru. My prayers are w/you.

JT

The definition of insanity is doing the saqme things over and over expecting different results. If you beg him to stop drinking and he gets abusive....then you do the same thing the next night thinking it might be different there is a problem.

My Ward drinks every night too. I don't "sit with him" as you say. He can sit with himself. I have all sorts of things I can do that don't involve watching his head bob. Al Anon meetings are a good start. They get you out of the house in the evening and into a supportive environment where you can develop skills that work for you instead of against you. Pooring salt in his liquor only guarentees one more bad night for you. When you are tempted to engage (read enrage) him...come here or go to a meeting!

I always recommend that a person get their own thinking right before making any life altering decisions...like leaving. You have also "caught" this family disease of alcoholism. It might be time to go for the cure.

Welcome!

Gabe

Then don't.
Don't even think of imagining a lifetime like that.
Start imagining a lifetime where you're happy and living the life you want to live.
Then do something to make that happen, one step at a time.
And you are not alone.
Nope, nope, nope.
Look at all the people here who understand where you are.

feelingalone

[QUOTE=JT]
My Ward drinks every night too. I don't "sit with him" as you say. He can sit with himself. QUOTE]


I don't understand what to do. If I don't just go to bed, we wind up fighting. Mostly him getting angry and me trying my best to ignore, but I am only so strong. Do I say, hey, get drunk if you want, but leave me alone when you do?

I try my best to understand that it is a medical addiction, but my children won't understand that. Thankfully the problem hasn't escalated to a point that they would have to try, but I don't want it to either. How much can one person take? I have began to lose track of the times that I have cried myself to sleep after his verbal attacks. The very first time was Christmas night of last year. I'll never forget that. He can really be quite nasty when he wants to be.

I read about what I'm doing wrong....but how do I deal with this. I am not ready to meet anyone face to face. My best friend in the world doesn't even know about this much less a perfect stranger.

Thanks for any help......

cwohio

sharing with others helps us break the "denial" syndrome. i hope at some time you can do a face-to-face meeting. it's scary at first, but you will come to realize that the people you meet in "the rooms" are kindred spirits and sharing their experience, strength and hope. isolation is another syndrome of the disease. i know when my husband was nasty, at first i would argue for hours - only to wind up feeling totally emotionally exhausted. as i got into my recovery, the only way i could "stop the cycle" was to physically leave the scene. not an option always, but for me it was the only way i assured myself not to get sucked into the chaos. those "strangers" are not strangers at all but folks that you can identify with.

Heathenwench

Feeling Alone, You are definatly not alone. I used to look back and still do on really bad days and wonder how I got to this point. I have 2 kids(girls) w/ my ah and am scared to death that they will grow up to think this is a normal life style. I have kicked him out many times and have always taken him back or begged him to come home. Mine used to be the ideal father & still can be but I have seen this illness progress in him and it scares me. He has never been physical but the emotional & psychological abuse I think are just as bad, at least for me. I am usually a lurker but the things I have learned here are priceless. Hugs, Kim

gelfling

To put it bluntly, yes. Detach and go elsewhere in the house.

Promise, it will be a shock for him and you'll be shaking in your boots, but once done, it's glorious. And each time gets easier. I was referred to this past weekend as being "ballsy" in my old age. Good grief, wonder what I'll be like when I hit 55.

meli2005

Hi Feelingalone,

I can reallly relate to what you are saying. Please don't be ashamed either, it's nothing you caused. People actually are more understanding for the most part than we think, at least that is what I have found. I kept it inside for a long time as well. I was so embarrassed about it all. Getting it out was good though, it was a weight off my shoulders. No one judged me for it either.

I think you have been in denial about the disease. I did this for a long time as well. It's a coping mechanism.

I can remember months ago driving to work and thinking, how in the hell did my life get so screwed up?

You sound very unhappy. YOur H needs to get some help. Is he open to that?

You might try seeing an addictions counselor or Alanon.