some things are just so obvious
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
Prayers & hugs for you my friend...
The decision to stay or to go is never an easy one and should be carefully considered.
"We" do not have all the insight that you have and only you can make that decision...
"My Story" was posted in the ACOA section yesterday...if you're interested...
The decision to stay or to go is never an easy one and should be carefully considered.
"We" do not have all the insight that you have and only you can make that decision...
"My Story" was posted in the ACOA section yesterday...if you're interested...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: out of town
Posts: 85
I am glad you have this place to come and have friends here, but seeking the kind of help you need is not here. Your issues are beyond just dealing with an alcoholic and addict. It would be like going to the dentist to get birth control. Keep coming here, but please get professional help with people who deal with domestic violence. Even though you don't think your messages should panic people, they do, and we can't change that. What is even more scary is your reaction is to his behavior. Your telling us that it feels like he is going to beat the crap out of you, but you are mad because he sold your printer. I think I would be more upset about getting the crap out of me. Are you in denial about the potential harm that could come to you? Please keep coming back, but do seek the help you need.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Emily, I hope you are safe and are making steps to have a safety plan. This is not only about alcoholism but abusive and controlling behavior. Sometimes it does not get better.
Let me tell you a little story if I may.
I once knew a girl who was living with an acloholic. She had been through years of his crap and ranting, and pushing and shoving. He would "quit drinking" for a while and then admit he had never really quit. Finally after many altercations and many separations and on and offs, she decided it was best for him to go for good. He left peacefully. He returned a week later with alcohol on his breath at 800 in the morning. He let himself into her house with his key he had copied before returning to her. He walked into the bathroom and calmly opened the shower curtain and choked her with his hands until she passed out. He crushed her hand in 4 places by stomping on it to remove the ring he had given her that was still on her hand. He took the money in her purse, her cell hone and pulled the phone wires out of her wall, he broke numerous things and left her lying on the bathroom floor where she pretended to be dead until he was gone.
She got up put on a robe and got to a neighbors house to call the police when she was certain he was gone....4 hours later.
If she would have followed her safety plan and left him and notified the police of his behavior earlier, maybe this wouldnt have happened.
There is quite a difference between verbal abuse and physical abuse. Although neither are acceptable, the later of the 2 can get you killed. He does not have an excuse because he has a disease. No one ever thinks "Their" husband would do that to them, but tons of women are attacked by husbands, boyfriends and estranged lovers every day.
Please protect yourself!!!!!!!
Let me tell you a little story if I may.
I once knew a girl who was living with an acloholic. She had been through years of his crap and ranting, and pushing and shoving. He would "quit drinking" for a while and then admit he had never really quit. Finally after many altercations and many separations and on and offs, she decided it was best for him to go for good. He left peacefully. He returned a week later with alcohol on his breath at 800 in the morning. He let himself into her house with his key he had copied before returning to her. He walked into the bathroom and calmly opened the shower curtain and choked her with his hands until she passed out. He crushed her hand in 4 places by stomping on it to remove the ring he had given her that was still on her hand. He took the money in her purse, her cell hone and pulled the phone wires out of her wall, he broke numerous things and left her lying on the bathroom floor where she pretended to be dead until he was gone.
She got up put on a robe and got to a neighbors house to call the police when she was certain he was gone....4 hours later.
If she would have followed her safety plan and left him and notified the police of his behavior earlier, maybe this wouldnt have happened.
There is quite a difference between verbal abuse and physical abuse. Although neither are acceptable, the later of the 2 can get you killed. He does not have an excuse because he has a disease. No one ever thinks "Their" husband would do that to them, but tons of women are attacked by husbands, boyfriends and estranged lovers every day.
Please protect yourself!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by emily33
Am I wrong to say most alcoholics are verbally abusive. In the last two years almost all material that I have read stated that alcoholics are verbally abusive and selfish.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
And what does it matter if all alcoholics are like that or not? Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour.
Emily - I see so much minimising and excusing his actions from you. And I understand how this happens as it can be a useful survival mechanism. But don't you want to thrive rather than merely survive?
Can I suggest that you look at a book called "When Love Goes Wrong" by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter?
Emily - I see so much minimising and excusing his actions from you. And I understand how this happens as it can be a useful survival mechanism. But don't you want to thrive rather than merely survive?
Can I suggest that you look at a book called "When Love Goes Wrong" by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Emily...
You nailed it on the head, what he was saying about the printer was quacking, pure and simple. The hard part is to not let the quacking mean anything. When my kid talks, I nod - but I don't listen. And I got so good at it, that after 4 months sobriety - I still forget to listen to her.
My husband is an alcoholic - sober 22 years. But no recovery... so his addiction just sort of went sideways and came out as workaholism/perfectionism....rage. Rage is also progressive, you know. Starts with verbal...moves to slapping, then hitting might get to kicking... eventually, someone generally dies. Sometimes it is the spouse - from stress related illness. Sometimes it is the abuser - also from stress, or suicide or homicide.
It is an ugly, ugly way to raise children. I know, I tried.
We got a divorce and that was the catalyst that got my husband to find domestic violence/anger management counseling and really commit himself to going. But even though he would go to counseling before our divorce, he was not REALLY committed to getting help until after we divorced.
And in retrospect, I am so glad we did.
One of the most powerful things someone told me was that if I was aware of all the reasons that I needed to "stay" in the relationship, and still made that choice to stay - it was ok. It really was. Because I was CHOOSING to stay. And I needed to do THAT, before I could CHOOSE to leave. Once I realized I was NOT trapped like an animal, but was making a concious decision... then I knew I could also make a different decision when I was ready.
No one can tell you what to do... all I can do is share my experience, hope and strength and let you know I am sending prayers.
You nailed it on the head, what he was saying about the printer was quacking, pure and simple. The hard part is to not let the quacking mean anything. When my kid talks, I nod - but I don't listen. And I got so good at it, that after 4 months sobriety - I still forget to listen to her.
My husband is an alcoholic - sober 22 years. But no recovery... so his addiction just sort of went sideways and came out as workaholism/perfectionism....rage. Rage is also progressive, you know. Starts with verbal...moves to slapping, then hitting might get to kicking... eventually, someone generally dies. Sometimes it is the spouse - from stress related illness. Sometimes it is the abuser - also from stress, or suicide or homicide.
It is an ugly, ugly way to raise children. I know, I tried.
We got a divorce and that was the catalyst that got my husband to find domestic violence/anger management counseling and really commit himself to going. But even though he would go to counseling before our divorce, he was not REALLY committed to getting help until after we divorced.
And in retrospect, I am so glad we did.
One of the most powerful things someone told me was that if I was aware of all the reasons that I needed to "stay" in the relationship, and still made that choice to stay - it was ok. It really was. Because I was CHOOSING to stay. And I needed to do THAT, before I could CHOOSE to leave. Once I realized I was NOT trapped like an animal, but was making a concious decision... then I knew I could also make a different decision when I was ready.
No one can tell you what to do... all I can do is share my experience, hope and strength and let you know I am sending prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Emily -
I was married to a binge drinker. We were together 7 years. He was sober for the first two years. After that the binges came closer and closer together. When he was sober, he never said a mean word to me. He was the last person in the world that I would ever be afraid of. Each binge became worse. He became more and more verbally abusive. Never physical. I was not the least bit afraid of him. I tried to help him through the binges, lied for him, got help for him "because" he was in no shape to do it for himself - or so I thought. I was very concerned for him, scared for him. Did all I could to make things better and not just for him. I wanted to make things OK for me. I was unable to work so I depended on him for his income. Over the years I started to change. I started to withdraw from him. I started to learn to detach from him when he was drinking. He did not like that. His second to last binge he pushed me. I couldn't believe it. When he got sober, he said it must have been an accident because he would never do that on purpose. I knew it wasn't an accident. I knew that once they cross that line it becomes easier to do it again. The final binge came and it got really ugly. It got ugly because I had detached from him. He couldn't suck me into the drama any longer. He became more and more infuriated every single day. I made plans to leave him. I did not tell him I was going but I left 5 days too late. He lost it and went after me. He hurt me. I called the cops and had him arrested.
The point of my post is this. You talk about changing yourself and the way you react to him. That is scary to them. It means loss of control. The more you change, the less you react, the more you can be fueling his anger. He needs to control you. He is dangerous Emily and has been for years. Is his anger and frustration escalating as you change your behavior?
I will tell you this - from experience. You are never going to feel that your are completely ready to leave. You are never going to be without fear of the future without him. Usually, there is some thing that pushes you close enough to be able to make that decision. Don't wait for everything to be perfect for you to leave because if you do, it may be to late for you and your kids. If you know that is what you need to do to keep you and your kids safe, then make your plan and do it. Make your plan and visualize it. Live it in your head. When you can see it, you can do it.
I'm just afraid that if you wait until you are "better" or "ready" the changes in you may push him over the edge.
Take care, Jo
I was married to a binge drinker. We were together 7 years. He was sober for the first two years. After that the binges came closer and closer together. When he was sober, he never said a mean word to me. He was the last person in the world that I would ever be afraid of. Each binge became worse. He became more and more verbally abusive. Never physical. I was not the least bit afraid of him. I tried to help him through the binges, lied for him, got help for him "because" he was in no shape to do it for himself - or so I thought. I was very concerned for him, scared for him. Did all I could to make things better and not just for him. I wanted to make things OK for me. I was unable to work so I depended on him for his income. Over the years I started to change. I started to withdraw from him. I started to learn to detach from him when he was drinking. He did not like that. His second to last binge he pushed me. I couldn't believe it. When he got sober, he said it must have been an accident because he would never do that on purpose. I knew it wasn't an accident. I knew that once they cross that line it becomes easier to do it again. The final binge came and it got really ugly. It got ugly because I had detached from him. He couldn't suck me into the drama any longer. He became more and more infuriated every single day. I made plans to leave him. I did not tell him I was going but I left 5 days too late. He lost it and went after me. He hurt me. I called the cops and had him arrested.
The point of my post is this. You talk about changing yourself and the way you react to him. That is scary to them. It means loss of control. The more you change, the less you react, the more you can be fueling his anger. He needs to control you. He is dangerous Emily and has been for years. Is his anger and frustration escalating as you change your behavior?
I will tell you this - from experience. You are never going to feel that your are completely ready to leave. You are never going to be without fear of the future without him. Usually, there is some thing that pushes you close enough to be able to make that decision. Don't wait for everything to be perfect for you to leave because if you do, it may be to late for you and your kids. If you know that is what you need to do to keep you and your kids safe, then make your plan and do it. Make your plan and visualize it. Live it in your head. When you can see it, you can do it.
I'm just afraid that if you wait until you are "better" or "ready" the changes in you may push him over the edge.
Take care, Jo
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Emily, I just wanted to share this with you too.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/hh/you.shtml#startcontent
Hope you are ok.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/hh/you.shtml#startcontent
Hope you are ok.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
He says in his mind one thing does have to do with the other, he wanted to surprise me and now I have ruined it, he is not going to buy me a dam thing now.
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