Ok, Now I Am Confused And Hurt...am I Over Reacting?
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Oh Harley, I would be wickedly pi$$ed off. You gotta wonder what made him say something so hurtful. After all the therapy and counselling. You've worked so hard to keep your marriage together. Stopping now...
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
Hubby told me last night he doesn't know if he can love me for the rest of his life. Told me he can't guarantee he won't fall in love with someone else in the future
Does he have any concept of how his words hurt you? Does he care?
Robin
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by robina
Honesty is one thing, but cruelty and insensitivity is another.
Does he have any concept of how his words hurt you? Does he care?
Robin
Does he have any concept of how his words hurt you? Does he care?
Robin
I suspect if I try and talk with him about it he will become defensive or he will simply say he didn't say it, so I don't know if it should even be discussed. Maybe I should just let it go and with that knowledge and other knowledge about past infidelities already imposed upon the marriage, and decide what is best for me.
I really don't see what discussing it will accomplish. He said it, he was honest and if I tell him it hurt me he will simply try and back pedal, but it has already been said, made its impact and no amount of him trying to take it back or explain is going to change what he said.
My heart, once again, is broken. I deserve a man who is DEVOTED to me, not one who has just settled with me until something he feels is better comes along. I know he loved me and was devoted to me at one time, but all the junk that has come between us with the alcohol abuse seems to have killed that in him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: out of town
Posts: 85
It may seem like an odd thing for me to say........ buttttttttt I can only pray for the day when your feelings towards him are killed and you stop getting hurt and move on.
I can remember the day it stopped for me, what a relief. It was a long slow death but when it was done IT WAS DONE BABY!!!!!!! And you are right about not wanting to discuss it, you can't teach a person to be compassionate and caring, it has to come from within. I think what use to hurt me the most was that he showed it towards people that didn't even matter. As I use to say, that's just 1 more nail in the coffin for you buddy.
I can remember the day it stopped for me, what a relief. It was a long slow death but when it was done IT WAS DONE BABY!!!!!!! And you are right about not wanting to discuss it, you can't teach a person to be compassionate and caring, it has to come from within. I think what use to hurt me the most was that he showed it towards people that didn't even matter. As I use to say, that's just 1 more nail in the coffin for you buddy.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I deserve a man who is DEVOTED to me
So, are you going to set yourself free to find that man, or are you going to keep going to the hardware store for bread?
You know we're all here for you.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
HG.
Wow.
What a sweetie he is.
This relationship is worth your heart, pride, feelings, and sanity why?
What are you getting out of this relationship that makes it worth staying. Please weigh out your pros and cons with this man.
Why do this to yourself. Not only do I agree with Dax that he may have someone else in mind for your position, but I think hes manipulating you again into feeling like you are lucky to have him.
Wow.
What a sweetie he is.
This relationship is worth your heart, pride, feelings, and sanity why?
What are you getting out of this relationship that makes it worth staying. Please weigh out your pros and cons with this man.
Why do this to yourself. Not only do I agree with Dax that he may have someone else in mind for your position, but I think hes manipulating you again into feeling like you are lucky to have him.
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
OK, I have to come on here and admit this was about me and not him. I took what he said, twisted it around in my still sick mind and came up with bad feelings.
After a talk, I realize what he meant. He doesn't communicate like I do or as easy as I do. He is afraid to say anything to me cause I over analyze....he is right....I do, will be working on that.
Says he loves me and I am special to him. He said what he meant was he has no idea what the future will bring, the one day at a time thing. Said he was trying to HELP ME feel more secure by letting me know in his way that he would never cheat on me again and IF something like that did come up, he would tell me and end the marriage first. He said he doesn't intend for anything like that to happen, but just wanted me to know that I could feel safe that he wouldn't cheat again.
I am sick, I am sick, I am sick. BUT, I am healing and getting better.
Some days this poor man doesn't stand a chance and that appears to have been one of those days.
He really isn't all the bad things you all indicated, upon my request I might add!!!! He is trying and I have to start realizing our ways of communication are very different and that he isn't as articulate as I am so things don't always come out the exact way he intends.
He didn't sucker me into this either, barely said anything when we talked. I went back over the conversation myself and realized I was nitpicking the conversation and reading things into it. I MUST STOP DOING THAT.
The whole incident was about me and caused by me. He was just trying to reassure and I took everything out of context and hopped in my big ole pitty pot. Moving on!
After a talk, I realize what he meant. He doesn't communicate like I do or as easy as I do. He is afraid to say anything to me cause I over analyze....he is right....I do, will be working on that.
Says he loves me and I am special to him. He said what he meant was he has no idea what the future will bring, the one day at a time thing. Said he was trying to HELP ME feel more secure by letting me know in his way that he would never cheat on me again and IF something like that did come up, he would tell me and end the marriage first. He said he doesn't intend for anything like that to happen, but just wanted me to know that I could feel safe that he wouldn't cheat again.
I am sick, I am sick, I am sick. BUT, I am healing and getting better.
Some days this poor man doesn't stand a chance and that appears to have been one of those days.
He really isn't all the bad things you all indicated, upon my request I might add!!!! He is trying and I have to start realizing our ways of communication are very different and that he isn't as articulate as I am so things don't always come out the exact way he intends.
He didn't sucker me into this either, barely said anything when we talked. I went back over the conversation myself and realized I was nitpicking the conversation and reading things into it. I MUST STOP DOING THAT.
The whole incident was about me and caused by me. He was just trying to reassure and I took everything out of context and hopped in my big ole pitty pot. Moving on!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
?!?!?!?
OK, In my 1st marriage we went to quite a bit of marriage counseling. One of the first and MOST VALUABLE lessons we both learned was "mirroring". This is a communications exercise where you both sit down across from each other and each takes a turn and makes a statement about a feeling you wish to communicate to the other. The other person repeats the statement in how they interpreted it, and then you clarify any misinterpretations, repeat, and continue. You bounce this statement back and forth clarifying more each time until you both have completely understood the "message" you are trying to get across. Then the other person has a turn starting with a statement or feeling they wish to communicate. Of course, it's assumed that at this point you are both willing and able to temporarily set aside and automatic defense mechanisms or "shields" for the purpose of honest communications at least for a short time to work this exercise.
I can tell you this was a great skill that my wife and I really needed to learn and helped us greatly... to communicate that is... As a matter of fact it worked so well we both were able to communicate why we REALLY didn't want to be married anymore. LOL!!
Of course not to say you would have this experience.. But I just wanted to ask...
You guys ever hear about this exercise or try it before?
OK, In my 1st marriage we went to quite a bit of marriage counseling. One of the first and MOST VALUABLE lessons we both learned was "mirroring". This is a communications exercise where you both sit down across from each other and each takes a turn and makes a statement about a feeling you wish to communicate to the other. The other person repeats the statement in how they interpreted it, and then you clarify any misinterpretations, repeat, and continue. You bounce this statement back and forth clarifying more each time until you both have completely understood the "message" you are trying to get across. Then the other person has a turn starting with a statement or feeling they wish to communicate. Of course, it's assumed that at this point you are both willing and able to temporarily set aside and automatic defense mechanisms or "shields" for the purpose of honest communications at least for a short time to work this exercise.
I can tell you this was a great skill that my wife and I really needed to learn and helped us greatly... to communicate that is... As a matter of fact it worked so well we both were able to communicate why we REALLY didn't want to be married anymore. LOL!!
Of course not to say you would have this experience.. But I just wanted to ask...
You guys ever hear about this exercise or try it before?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
Hubby told me last night he doesn't know if he can love me for the rest of his life. Told me he can't guarantee he won't fall in love with someone else in the future.....WTF?? Said he can't commit to me for life even though we are married. Said if another woman comes along and he falls in love with her he can't help that.
BUT, he did say he would NEVER cheat on me again and if he falls in love with someone else, he would tell me and leave me before he was intimate with her??? Well, that makes me feel better.....NOT!
Do I feel like I am just a convenience until the RIGHT woman comes along? YES!!!
Am I over reacting or should I feel as hurt as I do? I am HURT, VERY HURT!
BUT, he did say he would NEVER cheat on me again and if he falls in love with someone else, he would tell me and leave me before he was intimate with her??? Well, that makes me feel better.....NOT!
Do I feel like I am just a convenience until the RIGHT woman comes along? YES!!!
Am I over reacting or should I feel as hurt as I do? I am HURT, VERY HURT!
Harley...
I can totally relate to your husband.
Said he can't commit to me for life even though we are married.
It's a characteristic of sex addicts... that yeah.. I know he isn't... ;o)
looking at it logicly though..
how can any of us say what we will be willing to do even tommorrow..??
life doesn't work like that... and thinking that we can will ourselves to think a certain way on any given day is just simply unrealistic.
Saying I will love you forever is smoke...
not real...
not solid...
acting in a loving manner towards my loved one so that they want to stick around and give it back to me...
well..
everything will just happen naturally then I would think.
We have been so conditioned to have this stupid idea of love...
it's unworkable...
make the best of today.. and let tommorrow take care of itself...
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156
OK, I have to come on here and admit this was about me and not him. I took what he said, twisted it around in my still sick mind and came up with bad feelings.
After a talk, I realize what he meant. He doesn't communicate like I do or as easy as I do. He is afraid to say anything to me cause I over analyze....he is right....I do, will be working on that.
Says he loves me and I am special to him. He said what he meant was he has no idea what the future will bring, the one day at a time thing. Said he was trying to HELP ME feel more secure by letting me know in his way that he would never cheat on me again and IF something like that did come up, he would tell me and end the marriage first. He said he doesn't intend for anything like that to happen, but just wanted me to know that I could feel safe that he wouldn't cheat again.
I am sick, I am sick, I am sick. BUT, I am healing and getting better.
Some days this poor man doesn't stand a chance and that appears to have been one of those days.
He really isn't all the bad things you all indicated, upon my request I might add!!!! He is trying and I have to start realizing our ways of communication are very different and that he isn't as articulate as I am so things don't always come out the exact way he intends.
He didn't sucker me into this either, barely said anything when we talked. I went back over the conversation myself and realized I was nitpicking the conversation and reading things into it. I MUST STOP DOING THAT.
The whole incident was about me and caused by me. He was just trying to reassure and I took everything out of context and hopped in my big ole pitty pot. Moving on!
After a talk, I realize what he meant. He doesn't communicate like I do or as easy as I do. He is afraid to say anything to me cause I over analyze....he is right....I do, will be working on that.
Says he loves me and I am special to him. He said what he meant was he has no idea what the future will bring, the one day at a time thing. Said he was trying to HELP ME feel more secure by letting me know in his way that he would never cheat on me again and IF something like that did come up, he would tell me and end the marriage first. He said he doesn't intend for anything like that to happen, but just wanted me to know that I could feel safe that he wouldn't cheat again.
I am sick, I am sick, I am sick. BUT, I am healing and getting better.
Some days this poor man doesn't stand a chance and that appears to have been one of those days.
He really isn't all the bad things you all indicated, upon my request I might add!!!! He is trying and I have to start realizing our ways of communication are very different and that he isn't as articulate as I am so things don't always come out the exact way he intends.
He didn't sucker me into this either, barely said anything when we talked. I went back over the conversation myself and realized I was nitpicking the conversation and reading things into it. I MUST STOP DOING THAT.
The whole incident was about me and caused by me. He was just trying to reassure and I took everything out of context and hopped in my big ole pitty pot. Moving on!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peoria IL
Posts: 7
u should get heavly involve in ALANON and leave him for alanon, also u should lose all ur weight and wear classy make up, then go to alanon meetings and flirt and take pix to show him, that'll teach him a lesson won't it U GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Jessika
u should get heavly involve in ALANON and leave him for alanon, also u should lose all ur weight and wear classy make up, then go to alanon meetings and flirt and take pix to show him, that'll teach him a lesson won't it U GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Why would I drag myself down to his level? I am much more mature than playing games like that. Sorry, I just don't agree with that type of actions.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Well if Friend of Bill is saying in that one word, what t I think, I agree with her. My opinion is he is trying to weazel out of the hole he dug by what he said in the first place. however the main inciator of what he is really feeling- is how is his daily treatment of you? If he is treating you great, I suspect there would not be all these posts filled with concern. dax
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by dax
Well if Friend of Bill is saying in that one word, what t I think, I agree with her. My opinion is he is trying to weazel out of the hole he dug by what he said in the first place. however the main inciator of what he is really feeling- is how is his daily treatment of you? If he is treating you great, I suspect there would not be all these posts filled with concern. dax
You can't imagine how GREAT he is treating me. Like queen and more. Respecting me and my wishes, loving, helps around the house, considerate, compasionate, all I could ask for!
That is what I am trying to say, it is ME with the problem at the moment, NOT HIM.
His actions speak volumes. He just isn't able to communicate what he feels. You know some people have a difficult time putting their feelings into words, I just don't happen to be one of those people and have a difficult time accepting that not all people are like me.
He didn't try and minimize what he said. I stated I went over the conversation in my mind once I CALMED DOWN and realized I read things into it that weren't there. He said very little about it and absolutely didn't try and minimize it. Simply stated similar to what others have said on here. He can only put himself in the position where he doesn't get into situations where he could fall in love with someone else and he can only promise he loves me today, and he can only promise he will never cheat again.
I will say that he did have an affair that lasted a year, BUT, and this is according to HER, there was never any love discussed, never any leaving his wife or not loving his wife, never any emotions. Just drinking, sex buddies is how she described the relationship.
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