Ack, my Mother... (Loooong)
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Ack, my Mother... (Loooong)
Wow, I haven't been here in a couple of years but am glad to be reconnecting today.
I am a 34 year old ACoA - both my Mom (active) and Dad (12 years sober) are A's, and they both married severe codies when I was very young. Mom drinks *all* the time... morning, noon, and night. She functions (passably) during the day but by 6 pm is a "drinking and dialing" mess.
Mom is weird (seriously!) about her "health" and is in serious denial. Has previously denied family history of colon cancer, heart disease, arthritis, etc. even though the facts are *there*. Her Dad had colon cancer, her Mom died of a ruptured aorta, etc. She denies having health issues herself, despite annual colonscopies, spitting up blood, appearing jaundiced (says liver function is "fine"!). She lies about health care, if you ask if she's feeling OK always says she *just* saw her doctor, had a full battery of tests, etc. Once when she was having a lucid moment, she confessed that she was afraid to see her doctor because she didn't want to have bloodwork done that would prove she's "sick".
She went in for a "routine" colonoscopy last week and had some complications and severe bleeding. They admitted her to stay overnight.
While we were waiting for news, my SDad and I talked openly about her drinking. He finally *asked* me for help, and we decided (at his request) that I would speak to the nurses when we got to the hospital and let them know that she is a drinker.
I spoke with the nurses when we got there and they said it was very important that they know, she was already displaying signs of withdrawl and they had a protocol for her ready if needed), the bleeding could likely have been a result of the alcohol use, she was becoming very beligerent, etc.
We visit, she's yelling at the nurses, I go home to get her *more* things that she had thought of, went back and was stopped by the nurses to answer the drug/alchohol use questions they had. I answered to the best of my ability, go back into the room and she's yelling at the nurses like a two year old - things like "meanie". When we go to leave, she goes on a tirade about how the nurses are trying to kill her, how hospitals are "here healthy people go to die", etc.
When SDad and I left, he asked how it went with the nurses, and I told him they had already planned a protocol to deal with the withdrawl if it got any worse. He freaks. Yells at me, says she *doesn't* have a drinking problem. WTF? Tells me I over-stepped my boundaries and that I "owe her respect" since I am her daughter.
He *asked* me to help and didn't want to talk to talk to the nurses himself (because it was easier to explain me coming in later than him coming in later)... He TOLD me to make sure they knew, and we agreed that the people caring for her needed to know because it may affect their care, and also because my mother can be quite abusive when she isn't drinking. Now on the way home, he's yelling at me, telling me I "violated" their trust in me. Excuse me???
I called through the night and nurses said she was going through withdrawl and was sedated and on morphine for the pain. They had given her something to drink, and she was sleeping comfortably.
Looong story short, in the morning she took out her own IV and checked out. She says she was released with doctor's consent but the nurse told me she wouldn't be released until blood results were back in (around noon) and they checked out OK. My brother (he's another story!) had her home by 9 a.m.
I had to drop off her coat and cell phone that night, and when I got there she couldn't even stand up. She was smashed, pissed, obliterated.
When she left the room, my SDad asked me what I thought and I told him I was pretty concerned since she was obviously bombed and still had all these drugs in her system. She couldn't even walk or talk, and he tells me I am "out of control". WTF? Then don't ASK me what I think.
Anyways, he has now told her that I spoke to the nurses about her drinking, and she won't admit that to me, but insists she is going to "force an enquiry" and "get a lawyer". Don't even *ask* for what... It's a different story every time. She claims the nurses treated her worse than a dog, but the reasons for that change depending on the moment. She has fabricated a whole series of events that took place, including the blood pressure machine being broken and claiming she never had low blood pressure (which is why they had kept her overnight). They checked it with a cuff when I was there and then hooked up the machine, BOTH readings were the same (and LOW). She claims she wasn't sedated (she was), never had anything to drink (she did), wasn't fed (she refused breakfast claiming she was going to go home and eat instead).
She's lost her effing mind.
I am in the middle because my brother holds up his Al-Anon flag and tells me that it's not his problem. But he'll go and get her out of the hospital and tell me we need an intervention. Uh, OK. SDad finally asks for help and then does a 180. I do what I truly believe is essential for her to receive the best healthcare possible and suddenly I am imagining things?
She's been a drunk since she was 18. Over 35 years. This isn't a surprise. It's not news. I am not imagining things. I am not effing crazy!!!
I love my Mom, and my daughter is her only Grandchild. I don't want to cut her out of my life (and my SDad and brother along with her) but I can't deal with it. I have set boundaries in the past, and have told SDad not to come to me for help with her drinking anymore. He needs to deal with it himself and I am not going to be set-up like that again.
But still... What now? How do I keep her in my life without the cancer spreading? I have a daughter to protect and here's my Mom talking about buying a carseat so she can take my child out... Oh. My. God. No.
There's soooooooooooo much more, but this is already so long. I really needed to vent, and I need to know that I am not alone. That I am not crazy. And how do you deal with a parent who's exhibiting signs of dementia at 55 when the rest of your family is in total and complete denial along with her?
I am a 34 year old ACoA - both my Mom (active) and Dad (12 years sober) are A's, and they both married severe codies when I was very young. Mom drinks *all* the time... morning, noon, and night. She functions (passably) during the day but by 6 pm is a "drinking and dialing" mess.
Mom is weird (seriously!) about her "health" and is in serious denial. Has previously denied family history of colon cancer, heart disease, arthritis, etc. even though the facts are *there*. Her Dad had colon cancer, her Mom died of a ruptured aorta, etc. She denies having health issues herself, despite annual colonscopies, spitting up blood, appearing jaundiced (says liver function is "fine"!). She lies about health care, if you ask if she's feeling OK always says she *just* saw her doctor, had a full battery of tests, etc. Once when she was having a lucid moment, she confessed that she was afraid to see her doctor because she didn't want to have bloodwork done that would prove she's "sick".
She went in for a "routine" colonoscopy last week and had some complications and severe bleeding. They admitted her to stay overnight.
While we were waiting for news, my SDad and I talked openly about her drinking. He finally *asked* me for help, and we decided (at his request) that I would speak to the nurses when we got to the hospital and let them know that she is a drinker.
I spoke with the nurses when we got there and they said it was very important that they know, she was already displaying signs of withdrawl and they had a protocol for her ready if needed), the bleeding could likely have been a result of the alcohol use, she was becoming very beligerent, etc.
We visit, she's yelling at the nurses, I go home to get her *more* things that she had thought of, went back and was stopped by the nurses to answer the drug/alchohol use questions they had. I answered to the best of my ability, go back into the room and she's yelling at the nurses like a two year old - things like "meanie". When we go to leave, she goes on a tirade about how the nurses are trying to kill her, how hospitals are "here healthy people go to die", etc.
When SDad and I left, he asked how it went with the nurses, and I told him they had already planned a protocol to deal with the withdrawl if it got any worse. He freaks. Yells at me, says she *doesn't* have a drinking problem. WTF? Tells me I over-stepped my boundaries and that I "owe her respect" since I am her daughter.
He *asked* me to help and didn't want to talk to talk to the nurses himself (because it was easier to explain me coming in later than him coming in later)... He TOLD me to make sure they knew, and we agreed that the people caring for her needed to know because it may affect their care, and also because my mother can be quite abusive when she isn't drinking. Now on the way home, he's yelling at me, telling me I "violated" their trust in me. Excuse me???
I called through the night and nurses said she was going through withdrawl and was sedated and on morphine for the pain. They had given her something to drink, and she was sleeping comfortably.
Looong story short, in the morning she took out her own IV and checked out. She says she was released with doctor's consent but the nurse told me she wouldn't be released until blood results were back in (around noon) and they checked out OK. My brother (he's another story!) had her home by 9 a.m.
I had to drop off her coat and cell phone that night, and when I got there she couldn't even stand up. She was smashed, pissed, obliterated.
When she left the room, my SDad asked me what I thought and I told him I was pretty concerned since she was obviously bombed and still had all these drugs in her system. She couldn't even walk or talk, and he tells me I am "out of control". WTF? Then don't ASK me what I think.
Anyways, he has now told her that I spoke to the nurses about her drinking, and she won't admit that to me, but insists she is going to "force an enquiry" and "get a lawyer". Don't even *ask* for what... It's a different story every time. She claims the nurses treated her worse than a dog, but the reasons for that change depending on the moment. She has fabricated a whole series of events that took place, including the blood pressure machine being broken and claiming she never had low blood pressure (which is why they had kept her overnight). They checked it with a cuff when I was there and then hooked up the machine, BOTH readings were the same (and LOW). She claims she wasn't sedated (she was), never had anything to drink (she did), wasn't fed (she refused breakfast claiming she was going to go home and eat instead).
She's lost her effing mind.
I am in the middle because my brother holds up his Al-Anon flag and tells me that it's not his problem. But he'll go and get her out of the hospital and tell me we need an intervention. Uh, OK. SDad finally asks for help and then does a 180. I do what I truly believe is essential for her to receive the best healthcare possible and suddenly I am imagining things?
She's been a drunk since she was 18. Over 35 years. This isn't a surprise. It's not news. I am not imagining things. I am not effing crazy!!!
I love my Mom, and my daughter is her only Grandchild. I don't want to cut her out of my life (and my SDad and brother along with her) but I can't deal with it. I have set boundaries in the past, and have told SDad not to come to me for help with her drinking anymore. He needs to deal with it himself and I am not going to be set-up like that again.
But still... What now? How do I keep her in my life without the cancer spreading? I have a daughter to protect and here's my Mom talking about buying a carseat so she can take my child out... Oh. My. God. No.
There's soooooooooooo much more, but this is already so long. I really needed to vent, and I need to know that I am not alone. That I am not crazy. And how do you deal with a parent who's exhibiting signs of dementia at 55 when the rest of your family is in total and complete denial along with her?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
WOW!!! That post was so human! Personally my pet hate is 180's, but they happen. It sounds like for the moment you've helped the situation, the nursing staff knew what care she needed and without that it'd be hard to offer. What your mother refused was her own choice.
Anyway welcome to the club of those with batty mothers, mine's not got a drinking problem but yee gads - she has ISSUES with brass knobs on!! I'm also 34 and know how wearing it is to have had the years of history that go with that. In my case it's helped me to have a more distant relationship and a few boundaries that I will keep if they're crossed, I would cut off contact but luckily so far she hasn't crossed biggies.
As for advice - I haven't got much except you sound sane and rational, but with your plate very full.
Take care and welcome back to SR!!
Anyway welcome to the club of those with batty mothers, mine's not got a drinking problem but yee gads - she has ISSUES with brass knobs on!! I'm also 34 and know how wearing it is to have had the years of history that go with that. In my case it's helped me to have a more distant relationship and a few boundaries that I will keep if they're crossed, I would cut off contact but luckily so far she hasn't crossed biggies.
As for advice - I haven't got much except you sound sane and rational, but with your plate very full.
Take care and welcome back to SR!!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
To quote Equus from past posts.....EEEK.
Have you gotten any help for yourself? Alanon, therapy, group sessions. You're in the midst of a pretty wicked situation.
Is it for sure that she's got cancer? Anyway, as with the drinking, alcoholism, Sdad and everything surrounding this mess, there's nothing in this world you can do to help her or them. It's totally out of your hands. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it...the 3 c's of alanon.
All you can do is find help for yourself to learn how to detach from the insanity. Please find it in yourself to think of you instead of everyone else. Perhaps your brother has the right idea...waving the alanon flag. And like your brother, we that attend and work a program still do things we know we shouldn't.
If you and he do want to do an intervention, please get assistance from a professional. Contact a rehab center and I'm sure they'll be able to point you in the right direction.
Blessings
Have you gotten any help for yourself? Alanon, therapy, group sessions. You're in the midst of a pretty wicked situation.
How do I keep her in my life without the cancer spreading?
All you can do is find help for yourself to learn how to detach from the insanity. Please find it in yourself to think of you instead of everyone else. Perhaps your brother has the right idea...waving the alanon flag. And like your brother, we that attend and work a program still do things we know we shouldn't.
If you and he do want to do an intervention, please get assistance from a professional. Contact a rehab center and I'm sure they'll be able to point you in the right direction.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Feelinglost...Welcome back, that's quite a trick bag you are in there.
How awful for you to have to deal with this. You stepdad sounds like he is
a handful as well. I know it's easier said than done but you and your daughter are all you can take care of. I feel for your situation. My mom's a handful too, not an A but just hard to deal with....big time.....
How awful for you to have to deal with this. You stepdad sounds like he is
a handful as well. I know it's easier said than done but you and your daughter are all you can take care of. I feel for your situation. My mom's a handful too, not an A but just hard to deal with....big time.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Thanks for your replies...
My Mom doesn't *have* cancer... I meant more that her behaviour is a cancer. Probably a poor analogy, huh.
I have been to AlAnon and find it wonderful in many ways... My comment about my brother was very vague and I apologize. He jumps in and stirs the **** like a madman, talks a mean talk and can quote program to no end, and then does crazy things like getting her out of the hospital, apologizing to her for thinking she ever had a drinking problem (huh?), and then calls ME up and blathers all these program quotes in my ear about what his role is. In the meantime, he's telling my Mom that everyone else is nuts and he knows she doesn't have a drinking problem after all. Dude - then why are you at meetings every Wednesday?
I would be fine if he stayed in or stayed out, but it's really manipulative and hard to deal with when you work program when it suits your purposes and still expend a lot of energy on being a general sh-- disturber.
I think it's harder for me to give him a pass because I have been in the program, and didn't mean to sound insulting when I said "waves his AlAnon flag". I apologize for not being more specific in my rant.
As for me, it's really hard to get to a meeting these days... I know I could use one for sure, but haven't been in a while.
My Mom doesn't *have* cancer... I meant more that her behaviour is a cancer. Probably a poor analogy, huh.
I have been to AlAnon and find it wonderful in many ways... My comment about my brother was very vague and I apologize. He jumps in and stirs the **** like a madman, talks a mean talk and can quote program to no end, and then does crazy things like getting her out of the hospital, apologizing to her for thinking she ever had a drinking problem (huh?), and then calls ME up and blathers all these program quotes in my ear about what his role is. In the meantime, he's telling my Mom that everyone else is nuts and he knows she doesn't have a drinking problem after all. Dude - then why are you at meetings every Wednesday?
I would be fine if he stayed in or stayed out, but it's really manipulative and hard to deal with when you work program when it suits your purposes and still expend a lot of energy on being a general sh-- disturber.
I think it's harder for me to give him a pass because I have been in the program, and didn't mean to sound insulting when I said "waves his AlAnon flag". I apologize for not being more specific in my rant.
As for me, it's really hard to get to a meeting these days... I know I could use one for sure, but haven't been in a while.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
feelinglost - sounds like nobody wants to be the bad guy but they expect you to be the saviour. do look into al-anon if you haven't already. it's a tough realization but if the alcoholic is in denial and not ready for recovery there is NOTHING that will convince them. you truly do need to take care of yourself and kids and set boundaries, especially when it comes to the safety of your children. prayers to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
In the meantime, he's telling my Mom that everyone else is nuts and he knows she doesn't have a drinking problem after all. Dude - then why are you at meetings every Wednesday?
I would be fine if he stayed in or stayed out, but it's really manipulative and hard to deal with when you work program when it suits your purposes and still expend a lot of energy on being a general sh-- disturber.
I would be fine if he stayed in or stayed out, but it's really manipulative and hard to deal with when you work program when it suits your purposes and still expend a lot of energy on being a general sh-- disturber.
they have an on-line meeting on this site - maybe you could try that out. face-to-face are really best tho!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
OMG FL!!! What a bunch of toxoc drama you deal with! How in the world do you do it without posting here every day? My heart goes out to you...
I did want to add that you can decide to NOT let your daughter in the car w/ your Mother... I woul'd have NO problem at ALL with that boundary!!!
I did want to add that you can decide to NOT let your daughter in the car w/ your Mother... I woul'd have NO problem at ALL with that boundary!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Thanks guys... I feel a tiny bit better having had my vent to people who can relate.
I am frustrated and running on empty. Wanting a Mom,,, Not my Mom even, just "a" Mom. How crappy does *that* sound? Lots of history there, posted it before, don't have the strength to post it again today...
I am just feeling really run over today, and I'm not sure when I will be able to get out to a meeting. I do appreciate the input - I'm sure I will have a few comments after I let my mind rest a little.
I am frustrated and running on empty. Wanting a Mom,,, Not my Mom even, just "a" Mom. How crappy does *that* sound? Lots of history there, posted it before, don't have the strength to post it again today...
I am just feeling really run over today, and I'm not sure when I will be able to get out to a meeting. I do appreciate the input - I'm sure I will have a few comments after I let my mind rest a little.
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Jazzman
OMG FL!!! What a bunch of toxoc drama you deal with! How in the world do you do it without posting here every day? My heart goes out to you...
I did want to add that you can decide to NOT let your daughter in the car w/ your Mother... I woul'd have NO problem at ALL with that boundary!!!
I did want to add that you can decide to NOT let your daughter in the car w/ your Mother... I woul'd have NO problem at ALL with that boundary!!!
OMG, no way. My mother has never driven my daughter anywhere and won't as long as I am still drawing breath. The crappy thing is, I can't have her at her GParents' house even with my SDad there because he thinks my Mom has more of a right to have a relationship with my daughter than my daughter does to be safe.
Of course, that's not how he words it, but that's what it comes down to. So I see my Mom a lot more than I feel up to because I want her to have a good relationship with my child and we're a package deal when it comes to my Mom and SDad.
But no way will she *ever* ride in a car with my Mom. Ever. That's not even negotiable. I am just stunned that she still doesn't get it, and is *still* talking about getting a car seat for her vehicle. Egads.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I hate to say this but sometimes the only end for alcoholism is death. My father was a prime example of this. He died when I was 16. When I cleaned out his van I found a ton of liquor bottles, it was heart breaking. Since she is shown signs of dementia could a guardian be named to get you out of the middle of this. A neighbor of a friend was a severe alcoholic she was put in a nursing home we all thought all hell was going to break loose. She actually thrived on all the attention. Good luck to you, being in the middle is a bad place to be. Kerry
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Your story is one of typical alcoholic drama. Everyone has a role to play.
What role do you wish to play?
For me, Id chose to be the "detacher". Live your life, let them all live thiers. There isnt one thing you can do to jump in this mess to change it.
If she becomes a danger to herself and others, call the police, let them take it from there.
For your own sanity.let go and let god. This is way above your means as a human being.
What role do you wish to play?
For me, Id chose to be the "detacher". Live your life, let them all live thiers. There isnt one thing you can do to jump in this mess to change it.
If she becomes a danger to herself and others, call the police, let them take it from there.
For your own sanity.let go and let god. This is way above your means as a human being.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Mercy; this sounds like a variation on what I fear is in my future next week...at least only my kids and A/H (or ex A/H...he got angry at me "making up that he is a bad alcoholic" and filed for divorce). He is having surgery for prostate cancer and doesn't want me talking to his doctor. (Surgery is out-of-state; it was a struggle getting to be there for it....same deal as you with the crazy-talk, threats, etc...like a tired toddler wanting his way.)
I am sending a prayer for you; and her. Tell the truth and detach as much as possible. I am sorry you are in this pickle!
I am sending a prayer for you; and her. Tell the truth and detach as much as possible. I am sorry you are in this pickle!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Thanks guys...
My brother and I aren't serious about an intervention. I would be willing to participate but am not going to be the Cheerleader anymore. I am sick of being put out there as the "communicator" and then hung out to dry when Mom gets angry and my SDad and brother falling back "into line", and the lot of them treating me like a renegade because they've 180-ed on me.
FoB, I was doing great with detachment until I had my daughter. Becoming a mother brought up a LOT of issues concerning my own Mom. I mean, she *must* love me somewhere in there, right? That maternal love I feel for my child in that "I would lay down and die for you" kindof way, there's probably a *little* bit of that left for me, right? OK, if she can't love me, she can love my child, and that would be good. I mean, my daughter deserves to be loved by her Grandmother. Maybe if she can find approval and love for my child then I will somehow be OK. And my child deserves to have a Grandmother who loves her.
My Mom is only 55, and in reasonable shape to "care for herself" (at least to the point of functioning until she passes out at night). She wouldn't qualify for an extended care facility or nursing home, and despite what I consider to be dementia, people who aren't aware of the facts of the matter often think she is lucid and logical. My SDad would never allow anyone to take control of her affairs or make decisions concerning her care.
I fear that she will just drink until she is dead. That her moments of lucidity will become more scarce. That nobody will care for her when she can no longer care for herself. That a life that had promise will end without fullfillment. That she will die alone.
My heart hurts.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I know there's light at the end of this tunnel - I'm just not there yet.
My brother and I aren't serious about an intervention. I would be willing to participate but am not going to be the Cheerleader anymore. I am sick of being put out there as the "communicator" and then hung out to dry when Mom gets angry and my SDad and brother falling back "into line", and the lot of them treating me like a renegade because they've 180-ed on me.
FoB, I was doing great with detachment until I had my daughter. Becoming a mother brought up a LOT of issues concerning my own Mom. I mean, she *must* love me somewhere in there, right? That maternal love I feel for my child in that "I would lay down and die for you" kindof way, there's probably a *little* bit of that left for me, right? OK, if she can't love me, she can love my child, and that would be good. I mean, my daughter deserves to be loved by her Grandmother. Maybe if she can find approval and love for my child then I will somehow be OK. And my child deserves to have a Grandmother who loves her.
My Mom is only 55, and in reasonable shape to "care for herself" (at least to the point of functioning until she passes out at night). She wouldn't qualify for an extended care facility or nursing home, and despite what I consider to be dementia, people who aren't aware of the facts of the matter often think she is lucid and logical. My SDad would never allow anyone to take control of her affairs or make decisions concerning her care.
I fear that she will just drink until she is dead. That her moments of lucidity will become more scarce. That nobody will care for her when she can no longer care for herself. That a life that had promise will end without fullfillment. That she will die alone.
My heart hurts.
Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I know there's light at the end of this tunnel - I'm just not there yet.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
FL, my ex signed over her three kids to her previous ex and basically walked out of their lives. It boggles the mind to try to comprehend an addiction that can't survive without a built in denial mechanism so strong, that it would override ones instinctive maternal/paternal instinct!
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Jazzman
FL, my ex signed over her three kids to her previous ex and basically walked out of their lives. It boggles the mind to try to comprehend an addiction that can't survive without a built in denial mechanism so strong, that it would override ones instinctive maternal/paternal instinct!
I remember laying awake at night as a kid and wishing my Mom loved me enough to give me away. How effed up is that?
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