I need help...I'm losing my boyfriend to beer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: KY
Posts: 3
I need help...I'm losing my boyfriend to beer
First off, let me tell you that I've read quite a bit of the advice you all give, and I feel as if I have finally come to the right place to seek help.
I've been with my boyfriend for just shy of four years, and while he's had his problems with alcohol in the past, none of it ever affected our home life or our families. He has always been up front and honest about his drinking, until just about this time last year.
It all started when he was charged with a DUI, and his blood alcohol level was a shade over .03. I had to take money that I had earned and saved to bail him out of jail, then pay an attorney, and THEN pay for his home incarceration (21 days). That should've been a huge warning sign, but he actually cleaned himself up and sobered up. He even attended AA meetings and went to his DUI education course at a local treatment center promptly and he participated.
Then, we moved and he met up with an old friend of his who is 1. unemployed, 2. father to several children by several mothers (and way behind on his child support) and 3. completely unambitious. Their idea of fun is sitting around getting wasted playing video games until the wee small hours. I stood up to my boyfriend (we'll call him "J") and told him that he needed to stop hanging around this "friend", that he was becoming a worse and worse influence. Well, J stormed out and disappeared for a couple of days, holing up at this friend's house. And like your classic enabler, when J came home, I welcomed him right in. Once again, he cleaned up his act and sobered up, albeit temporarily.
For the past four months, its been a slow descent into hell. Ever since we moved, I've been looking for steady work as a secretary, but the jobs have been hard to come by. I subsidize my income by selling jewelry and clothing that I make, and when he gets his paychecks, they go right down his throat. Then, he complains to me that it's all my fault, that I'm lazy, stupid, etc. because I don't have a full-time job (I'm also waiting on my residency status to change so I can go back to college and finish my degree.) Every time I try to tell him that he's drinking too much, he flies off in a rage and tells me that if I had a job, he wouldn't drink. I know this is a lie, that he's going to do it anyway, but after hearing it so many times, (like once a night at the least), I'm starting to believe him. Maybe it is my fault that he's drinking. He tells me I'm too close to my family, because when I have a problem, I call my mother for advice. Sometimes I think that all his issues stem from the fact that his parents ignored him when he was a kid but doted on his older brother. That classic "acting out" behavior for attention. But now....he's thirty years old.
Basically, it boils down to one of two things. Either I kick him out and let him ruin what's left of his life (he is an adult and capable of his own decisions, after all), or I try and be there for him and help him help himself. He's told me many times that he wants to stop, but so far he hasn't been able to stick with it.
Any help you all could offer would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my wit's end and extremely worried. Thanks,
d.
I've been with my boyfriend for just shy of four years, and while he's had his problems with alcohol in the past, none of it ever affected our home life or our families. He has always been up front and honest about his drinking, until just about this time last year.
It all started when he was charged with a DUI, and his blood alcohol level was a shade over .03. I had to take money that I had earned and saved to bail him out of jail, then pay an attorney, and THEN pay for his home incarceration (21 days). That should've been a huge warning sign, but he actually cleaned himself up and sobered up. He even attended AA meetings and went to his DUI education course at a local treatment center promptly and he participated.
Then, we moved and he met up with an old friend of his who is 1. unemployed, 2. father to several children by several mothers (and way behind on his child support) and 3. completely unambitious. Their idea of fun is sitting around getting wasted playing video games until the wee small hours. I stood up to my boyfriend (we'll call him "J") and told him that he needed to stop hanging around this "friend", that he was becoming a worse and worse influence. Well, J stormed out and disappeared for a couple of days, holing up at this friend's house. And like your classic enabler, when J came home, I welcomed him right in. Once again, he cleaned up his act and sobered up, albeit temporarily.
For the past four months, its been a slow descent into hell. Ever since we moved, I've been looking for steady work as a secretary, but the jobs have been hard to come by. I subsidize my income by selling jewelry and clothing that I make, and when he gets his paychecks, they go right down his throat. Then, he complains to me that it's all my fault, that I'm lazy, stupid, etc. because I don't have a full-time job (I'm also waiting on my residency status to change so I can go back to college and finish my degree.) Every time I try to tell him that he's drinking too much, he flies off in a rage and tells me that if I had a job, he wouldn't drink. I know this is a lie, that he's going to do it anyway, but after hearing it so many times, (like once a night at the least), I'm starting to believe him. Maybe it is my fault that he's drinking. He tells me I'm too close to my family, because when I have a problem, I call my mother for advice. Sometimes I think that all his issues stem from the fact that his parents ignored him when he was a kid but doted on his older brother. That classic "acting out" behavior for attention. But now....he's thirty years old.
Basically, it boils down to one of two things. Either I kick him out and let him ruin what's left of his life (he is an adult and capable of his own decisions, after all), or I try and be there for him and help him help himself. He's told me many times that he wants to stop, but so far he hasn't been able to stick with it.
Any help you all could offer would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my wit's end and extremely worried. Thanks,
d.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: South
Posts: 3
All I know to say is that you have to take care of yourself first.
I've tried to change my parents for my entire life and it just has never made one bit of difference.
I'm learning to grieve that loss and take care of myself. It's slow and I feel guilty for what I see as them ruining their lives...but there's still NOTHING I can do to change the way they see the world.
That has to be a decision they make on their own.
I don't know if this helped, but I hope it at least helped you to see that you aren't alone.
Hugs.
-sarah
I've tried to change my parents for my entire life and it just has never made one bit of difference.
I'm learning to grieve that loss and take care of myself. It's slow and I feel guilty for what I see as them ruining their lives...but there's still NOTHING I can do to change the way they see the world.
That has to be a decision they make on their own.
I don't know if this helped, but I hope it at least helped you to see that you aren't alone.
Hugs.
-sarah
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Delphi, it is NOT your fault that he's drinking.
I don't care how many times he tries to tell you that.
That is BS of the highest order.
As for helping him help himself...you can't do that.
That's up to him.
You are in charge of your life and your happiness.
That's it.
He is in charge of what he decides to do about the drinking.
I don't care how many times he tries to tell you that.
That is BS of the highest order.
As for helping him help himself...you can't do that.
That's up to him.
You are in charge of your life and your happiness.
That's it.
He is in charge of what he decides to do about the drinking.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
delphi, welcome. This place has been a lifesaver for me and I hope you will feel at home here.
Sweetie, he is telling you that it's your fault so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own actions. And whilst he continues to avoid responsibility, he is not ready to stop drinking.
You will learn a lot here, but the first thing that helped me was the 3 C's.
You didn't CAUSE him to drink
You can't CONTROL his drinking
You can't CURE his drinking.
My suggestions:
Have a read of the sticky or power posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one.
Get hold of a copy of Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie - I though she'd written it just for me, until I realised that millions of people felt the same way.
Check out al-anon meetings. They have really helped me to learn that I have choices and from those choices comes a great sense of freedom. Try 6 meetings before you decide whether it's for you. Every meeting is different.
Keep reading and posting here. I found that I got out as much as I was willing to put in, and if you look at my post count, you'll see that I have got an awful lot from the wonderful people here. When I don't seem to be making much progress, reaching out to others is a great way to get those lightbulbs popping.
I also saw a counsellor for 6 months alongside going to al-anon and I found that tremendously helpful.
I posted a link further down the page for some extracts from the Getting Them Sober books. They may be worth checking out too.
I can't finish without mentioning something in your post.
You know, you didn't have to do any of that. It was his mess to clean up and you would have been fully justified in leaving him to do just that. In fact, sometimes we rescue the alcoholic so much that they don't have a chance to hit bottom and that is the only way they make a decision to change. (bottom doesn't have to be Skid Row, although it sometimes is.)
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Sweetie, he is telling you that it's your fault so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own actions. And whilst he continues to avoid responsibility, he is not ready to stop drinking.
You will learn a lot here, but the first thing that helped me was the 3 C's.
You didn't CAUSE him to drink
You can't CONTROL his drinking
You can't CURE his drinking.
My suggestions:
Have a read of the sticky or power posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one.
Get hold of a copy of Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie - I though she'd written it just for me, until I realised that millions of people felt the same way.
Check out al-anon meetings. They have really helped me to learn that I have choices and from those choices comes a great sense of freedom. Try 6 meetings before you decide whether it's for you. Every meeting is different.
Keep reading and posting here. I found that I got out as much as I was willing to put in, and if you look at my post count, you'll see that I have got an awful lot from the wonderful people here. When I don't seem to be making much progress, reaching out to others is a great way to get those lightbulbs popping.
I also saw a counsellor for 6 months alongside going to al-anon and I found that tremendously helpful.
I posted a link further down the page for some extracts from the Getting Them Sober books. They may be worth checking out too.
I can't finish without mentioning something in your post.
I had to take money that I had earned and saved to bail him out of jail, then pay an attorney, and THEN pay for his home incarceration (21 days).
Looking forward to getting to know you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: KY
Posts: 3
Thanks, everyone. I'm still a little numb at this point. After I posted my initial message, he came back to the house and I did something so wrong...I can't forgive myself for it. I completely ignored him. I treated him as if he wasn't there. I couldn't help it...I let my anger get the best of me. He stormed out and walked off somewhere and now here it is, 9:40 PM my time and he's still nowhere to be seen. His boss just called me (he's just as concerned as I am) and apparently "J"'s buddy called his house and said "J" wasn't there. Now I am truly scared. Beyond that. Terrified, guilty, sick...I've been crying so much that I can't put my contacts in, my head is splitting and I can't keep anything down. I feel better knowing that he's safe somewhere, but when he's disappeared like this...I can't really handle it.
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
delphi...
I hope you'll consider trying some Al-Anon meetings. There's a great deal to be learned in those rooms and more comfort and support than you can imagine.
One of the terrible effects & ironies of the disease of alcoholism is that they are the ones drinking and we are the ones dying from it (can't sleep, can't eat, etc.).
Whether he chooses to continue drinking or not, Al-Anon can help you.
I hope you'll consider trying some Al-Anon meetings. There's a great deal to be learned in those rooms and more comfort and support than you can imagine.
One of the terrible effects & ironies of the disease of alcoholism is that they are the ones drinking and we are the ones dying from it (can't sleep, can't eat, etc.).
Whether he chooses to continue drinking or not, Al-Anon can help you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by delphi
Thanks, everyone. I'm still a little numb at this point. After I posted my initial message, he came back to the house and I did something so wrong...I can't forgive myself for it. I completely ignored him. I treated him as if he wasn't there. I couldn't help it...I let my anger get the best of me. He stormed out and walked off somewhere and now here it is, 9:40 PM my time and he's still nowhere to be seen. His boss just called me (he's just as concerned as I am) and apparently "J"'s buddy called his house and said "J" wasn't there.
Maybe if he has to deal with his own fallout and the problems he makes enough, he will get tired of it and actually decide to stop drinking.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Ignored him and you can't forgive yourself? Hon, when things were really bad between my ex and I, I would do that all the time. It's all part of the manipulation game, just like him going awol is. He's punishing you for ignoring him - guess it's working, huh?
There ARE things I did that I had to work hard at forgiving myself for, but ignoring him wasn't one of them.
There ARE things I did that I had to work hard at forgiving myself for, but ignoring him wasn't one of them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: KY
Posts: 3
Well, he showed up to his boss' house this morning. Then they came by my house so "J" could get his work clothes. I did what I thought was right by me. I was smiling, happy (sincerely, believe it or not...I had a good night's sleep, thankfully) and helped him gather his things. The first thing he says to me?
"I'm sorry."
And thus the cycle begins. But I'm breaking it. I just nodded silently, and told him that tonight I was going to do something for me. There's an Al-Anon meeting tonight and I will be there with bells on.
Thanks again, everyone. You have no idea how much better it feels to get this stuff off of my chest.
"I'm sorry."
And thus the cycle begins. But I'm breaking it. I just nodded silently, and told him that tonight I was going to do something for me. There's an Al-Anon meeting tonight and I will be there with bells on.
Thanks again, everyone. You have no idea how much better it feels to get this stuff off of my chest.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
Welcome Delphi,
I think Minnie hit the nail on the head about his punishing you for ignoring him. With that and telling you it's your fault for drinking it sounds like he's really out to make you look like the bad guy. Please don't ever believe it. Although I guess we shouldn't ignore them it's not that bad of a thing to do. In fact, with Greg and I it's a step up to ignore him as opposed to the swearing and name calling that used to come up.
It sounds like some good came out of the situation. You had a good nights sleep and that is worth it's weight in gold, (I have a 2 month old baby so that sounds like heaven to me.
) and you are ready to go to a meeting. You sound pretty confident about what you need to do for yourself.
Hope to keep seeing you here, there's a lot of wisdom around this place.
I think Minnie hit the nail on the head about his punishing you for ignoring him. With that and telling you it's your fault for drinking it sounds like he's really out to make you look like the bad guy. Please don't ever believe it. Although I guess we shouldn't ignore them it's not that bad of a thing to do. In fact, with Greg and I it's a step up to ignore him as opposed to the swearing and name calling that used to come up.
It sounds like some good came out of the situation. You had a good nights sleep and that is worth it's weight in gold, (I have a 2 month old baby so that sounds like heaven to me.
) and you are ready to go to a meeting. You sound pretty confident about what you need to do for yourself. Hope to keep seeing you here, there's a lot of wisdom around this place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
delphi - can't add much more to what's been said above - glad to hear you have found an al-anon meeting to attend - you won't be sorry. give it some time - at least 6 meetings.
also welcome to SR - wonderful place!
also welcome to SR - wonderful place!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 1
Hello Delhpi,
I have joined this sight for the same reason as you. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. He has an alcohol problem, also. He gets up in the morning and he drinks a cup or two of coffee than pops open his first beer. If he is at my house, he is on the couch all day and that is where he sleeps. If he is at his house, he is in a chat room all day. Not the way I want to live my life, ya know? Not sure if I should break it off with him or try and help him. I am looking into going to some al-anon meetings also just to try and understand what is happening. I also have 2 teenage sons who see what is going on and they know that everything that is happening goes against everything that I have ever told them. I hope it works out for you as I do for me. Just remember, no matter what, do what you feel is right for you.
I have joined this sight for the same reason as you. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. He has an alcohol problem, also. He gets up in the morning and he drinks a cup or two of coffee than pops open his first beer. If he is at my house, he is on the couch all day and that is where he sleeps. If he is at his house, he is in a chat room all day. Not the way I want to live my life, ya know? Not sure if I should break it off with him or try and help him. I am looking into going to some al-anon meetings also just to try and understand what is happening. I also have 2 teenage sons who see what is going on and they know that everything that is happening goes against everything that I have ever told them. I hope it works out for you as I do for me. Just remember, no matter what, do what you feel is right for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
