Lynnez49

I post here every now & again to get both sides of the fence. Mine is both addict & alcoholic. He "thinks" he can handle beer. Anyway, I woke up this morning regretting my decision 7 weeks ago. But knowing I did the right thing. Does that make sense? Long story short...He has been drinking & drugging for our 6 years together. He goes to jail for assault (usually me), comes home & starts drinking & drugging. Same thing EVERY time. A couple years ago I threw him out...he begged to come home, I said "no", he found a "drinking buddy" to hurt me, it worked, I took him home. He drank. He went to jail.

Came home this time. Stayed sober 10 weeks this time. (NO program. Just "willpower".) He relapsed. I threw him out. He begged to come home. I said "no". He ended up staying on an old girlfriend's couch. (2 reasons this time....he had to have a residence or go back to jail & to hurt me. Even though this time there is NO relationship between them. Purely an old friend helping another old friend) I had at one time told him if he could make an effort to stop, I'd talk. I heard he'd NOT done drugs in 1 weekend. But was still drinking. I knew what was coming. He'd try to come home. I knew I'd give in this time & Where would we be???? NOTHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED!!!

So, I moved back to Arizona. I knew I couldn't do this anymore. Besides when he drinks he gets violent & he'd been telling his family I would NEVER put him in jail again. So, I knew what was coming if he got into a rage while drunk. I might not make it this time.

I know I did the right thing when I think it through. I did the same thing for 6 years "expecting different results". NOTHING CHANGED. He continued to drink & drug. I got sicker. I know that ONE of us had to change. And I realize that his only chance of getting sober is if I let him go...completely.

I've been reading "Getting them Sober". Great book. And she talks about the fear of them leaving us for another woman. I know he didn't leave me. I threw him out. He had to have a place to go. Old friend was the new enabler. End of story. I know I'm the woman he loves when he's sober. But I knew I'd never see him again if NOTHING changed.

I have heard nothing from him for the last 4 weeks. I know with him that means one thing...he's still out there drinking. But sometimes I wonder....did I do the right thing? Did I leave too soon? Would he have stayed clean this time? Would he quit drinking? I know he was NOT in a program & told his family that he did not NEED a program. He could do this on his own. And that has NEVER worked with him. I also know that without help he will most likely NEVER make it.

I know I'm kind of rambling. But my hope has always been that I'd throw him out..he'd get sober...life would be great...and in MY time, NOT God's. I know I'm taking a big risk. I might never see him again. But then I also know that what did I really LOSE????

Does this make any sense? Has anybody else moved away from their alcoholic in order to save both of their lives? Do they ever get sober & you get back together?

Lynne

minnie

What was the reasoning behind your decision, Lynne? To get him sober, or to reclaim your life?

I moved away 11 months ago to save my life. My ex got engaged to someone else in the summer. I have no regrets. Good luck to both of them, because they'll need it. He will only get a grip when he wants to, not because I think it's time. Not that I'd want him back even if he did get recovery.

What about you? Are you having help (counselling, nar-anon/al-anon) to help you deal with all that has gone on?

Minx1969

Hey Lynne,

I know that you are really struggling because you keep coming back here and asking the same questions..

Have you found a sponser yet? Try and get really involved in an Alanon program..go to more meetings, starting hanging out with the other people in the fellowship..go to some open NA or AA meetings..they will start to help you and calm your mind..

Here's a post from you last week..kind of asking the same questions: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ong-76266.html

You need to start focusing on you..even more then you are today..

Minx1969

Didn't want that to come off wrong..

I let my exbf (who was an alcoholic) go..because it was destroying my life..My obsession with him was interfering with my job, my friends, my mental health..

I got into Alanon..and I got better..and then his behavior was unacceptable to me..

I focused on me..I let my HP do what he needs to do in my life and my ex's..

I too had hopes that if I let him alone he would get sober..It's been over a year..he's not sober..

I on the other hand, am much more grateful and you could not pay me any amount of money to go back to that insanity..I'm dating an amazing wonderful person today who's actions and his words are consistant..and he treats me like the goddess that I am...

Let him go..If it's meant to be..it will happen..

Start working the steps with a sponsor and you will start to feel better..

chrisea

But then I also know that what did I really LOSE????

I haven't moved away from my xbf, but did contribute (nothing changes, if nothing changes) To him leaving... but then I also have thought the above sentence... Actually could be my sentence, if I accepted this relationship... With mine, I don't think much would/will change and he will continue to look for another enabler. I read an article a few weeks ago about a resident of a personal care home. Who had a 55 yr old man living there. He was there for a few weeks and walked to a local club to watch the football game. He didn't rem. much, but on the way back he got in and drove a school bus. Tried to make the turn, into the driveway. Ended up in the mud, in the yard of the personal care home. Now he is sitting in jail. The owner of the care home, says he's not coming back here. That could be a future story of the guy I was with.

Jazzman

Hey Lynne,

I have some thoughts here

"I woke up this morning regretting my decision 7 weeks ago."

Shoulda, coulda, woulda & the what ifs? Safe bet that "Been there done that", would be a lot of peoples thoughts on that one.

"He goes to jail for assault (usually me)"

To remind you of why you set that boundary there....

"Has anybody else moved away from their alcoholic in order to save both of their lives?"

Probably, but I ended my marriage to save ME!

"Do they ever get sober & you get back together?"

For me? Don't know.....
But I'm not gonna put MY life on hold while waiting to find out the answer to that one. And the more I work on myself, the less I care about the answer.

CarolD

Love does not win over addictions.

The man you loved is dead...he now lies and drinks and uses you and is abusive.

The fantansy you harbor is killing you too in spirit.

Cynay

Hi there....

You know what, if its ment to be it will be. I have heard stories of couples getting back together after the A gets sober... But all the stories I have heard it was after the A hit bottom and then got help and a program.

Even if he got sober today, it would not change his raging and who he has become, only a spiritual change will do that, and I think they probably have to come to that themselves. It really has nothing to do with us.

I would have to agree with Minx ... take the focus off him and work on you. You have been effected by this too. Look at it this way, because he is sick... you got sick too, if he got sober with a program he could get well, but if you dont help yourself and put the focus back where it belongs you will just stay sick...

We are here for ya...

FriendofBill

nothing changes until someone changes.

looks like its not gonna be him to change.

what about you? got a program yet? Al anon? Works for me...it can work for you too,,,if you work it.

Lynnez49

I go to Alanon. I went to a Naranon meeting last Saturday. But have not gotten a sponser. I've been going to meetings in the daytime & not many people there. Or anybody I could relate to. I'm in domestic violence counseling. She says I need to STOP going to Alanon. That it serves no purpose in my life.

I guess I really left hoping it would open his eyes that I would REALLY go this time. He's told me many times if I don't like what he's doing then go back to Arizona. Kind of made a statement. Also, at that point I had reached MY bottom. I couldn't concentrate on work, I couldn't concentrate at home, & my son was drinking and drugging.

I know nothing will change unless I change things. I guess I need to find better meetings or something.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Lynne

Lynnez49

And I do still love a fantasy that doesn't exist anymore. What makes it harder is that he goes to jail, comes home & the man I love is back...for a short time...then he relapses & the man I love is gone...again. Maybe it would be easier if he had just remained a total jerk for the last 6 years. It's the getting sober & then relapsing that gets me. (Even if it is forced clean because of jail & the programs he gets involved in there). And then I get my hopes up...only to get crushed again.

Lynne

Minx1969

I'm going to have to say again that I disagree with your counsellor about a 12 step program such as Alanon not having a purpose in your life..

I'm one of those that stayed in Alanon even though I do not have any active alcoholism or addiction in my life today..

The support of a sponsor and a fellowship, the tools of the program have helped me in ALL aspects of my life..even in this new relationship I am in..

minnie

What a pattern - beats you up, goes to jail, is as nice as pie, then reverts to BEING WHO HE REALLY IS and beats you up again and the cycle carries on.

Al-anon may be serving you no purpose because you haven't worked the Steps yet, nor have anything in place as an alternative. I go to al-anon, but have not officially worked the Steps, but I have had fantastic counselling in the past which gave me the tools I needed to move on stop letting the drama continue and embroiling myself in the games.

The first thing I had to do was to see my situation as it really was and not how I hoped it could be. Everything else flowed from there.

Keep posting, hon.

reader

I think abuse is a deal breaker!!! If he has beeb hitting you, I can't ever see this relationship working. Try to move on and focus on you. Kerry

FriendofBill

[QUOTE]
I guess I really left hoping it would open his eyes that I would REALLY go this time. [QUOTE]

This is what I found to be trying to control. If I do THIS, then he will do THAT.

I found when I stopped doing things to control an outcome, and started doing things to get me better, the results were phenominal.

Start living for YOU, not him, and you will experience miracles!

FriendofBill

. This is the most dangerous thing I have ever heard,

She/he obviosuly doesnt know what al anon is.

12 step programs have been in existence since 1934, when AA was founded.

They seem to work.

cloudy

Hi Lynne, yes just about everything you have written up there in your post I do understand and have thought or felt at least once more like tons before. Do go to Alanon. Counselors don't know everything - (don't even get me started on that!) And read the Language of Letting Go book. I read it on here all the time. Ann posts it every day. First week of November had 2 days in a row talking about the stages of grief. And also about how those neatly written stages aren't usually neatly carried out. It goes all over the place, back and forth, and takes time. Go to Alanon, if you don't like that one try another meeting.

My ex (I did finally physically detach but am still very much affected because physically detaching does not mean it's over inside) is an addict/alcoholic too.

Hang in there, go to the meeting with an open mind, give it time, and keep writing here

love cloudy