Fear

Old 12-15-2002, 01:46 PM
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Fear

Hi, all. What do you do when your "A" talks about the future and you yourself are just trying to live in the present and not dwell on the past??? Mine is so in denial, talks about marriage and retirement and all I see is a blank slate. I just want to live in the present and he gets really offended when I don't jump up and down clapping when he mentions the "M" word. Of course, my resistance to facing the topic is directly proprtional to his drinking, but we cannot address THAT. We must,when he is sober, pretend there IS NO problem. How do you love someone, try to keep loving them, and try not to hurt them while gently swaying conversation away from what I feel is a moot point??? Very confusing b/c the heart says one thing, the brain another, and the brain is way smarter than the heart LOL...On the other hand, and this will sound kind of cold, if I am investing my heart and soul anyways, should I see M as a sort of business aspect of it with the financial practicality and benefits, and the right to help him make medical decisions if he chooses to keep poisoning himself??At least I would be his voice when he couldnot speak,.
Is this all too much?? Just very confused right now andwant to do the right thing but also do not want to waste my life LOL
HUGS , JAMY
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Old 12-15-2002, 02:17 PM
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Hi Jamy,

You're catching me a few years later then where you are right now. I went with the M and then now I have the C (children) and the S... has hit the fan and destruction is abound, so excuse me if I sound a little adament in my words as I will try to not let my personal experiences as of late hinder my reply to you.

Two things really struck me in your post, the first being the part about the business aspect of marriage. You are obviously seeing the extra income as a positive and in some cases it may be, but with an A, in a yr or two he could be unemployed and having you support him because he is unemployable. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse and worse and there are no guarantees when you are the spouse of an active alcoholic, so if security is what your looking for, I'de have to say look elsewhere.

The other part of the post that struck me is where you said you would be able to make medical decisions for him if he could not speak due to the alcoholism. I will ask you this.....Do you want to spend your life taking care of him? What about you??? What if you have kids? They are going to need you. From my experience I had to do what I needed to do to stay strong and available for my children, and that means TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't marry this man but I am trying to allow you to see the reality of being married to an active alcoholic. It's always good to know what you're up against so you can have the appropriate tools in place to take care of yourself. You're taking a great first step by coming here and seeking out Alanon.

I'm so sorry if I sound harsh, I've actually taken a hiatus from replying to alanon posts because I feel a little self righteous right now. I hope you were able to hear the message in a loving way as it was written out of concern........ and this huge red fag waving in my face!!

Last edited by Stephanie; 12-15-2002 at 02:20 PM.
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Old 12-15-2002, 10:59 PM
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i havent posted in a long long time, but i have to say to this one,,,,,RUN, RUN, RUN, as fast as you can.... you deserve better and you deserve happiness not a lifetime of lies, deceitfulness(sp), medical expenses, nightimes of waiting and watching and wondering if he is dead in a ditch or something,, and then being in your 40's wishing you could take it all back....

i hope you dont get mad at this,,, and remember this is only my opinion,, and i have lived with an alcoholic and drug addict for all of my adult life..

i hope you make the right decision for you.. just remember you are worth something...you deserve happiness and not heartache.. and believe me the money can be gone in 2 seconds.... the more they drink they more they need to get that "drunk"... but then i am bitter as you can probably tell.. others here can give you more rational answers.. but please please think about it before you invest your life.......
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Old 12-16-2002, 11:15 AM
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Jamy,

I think you bring up a good point. How to stay in denial when you know better? I don't think you can. At that point (I am also a few yrs past where you are, Bozo sobered up and we got married in the fall) you have to begin being realistic with him. It might hurt his feelings and bring the realization home to him, and it might not, but you don't have to engage in his dreamy "what ifs". He needs a good dose of reality to know that all of those things are out of reach until he gets some help.

I let Bozo know that we didn't have a future as long as he was drinking. I told him how much I loved him but that I would not watch him kill himself. I told him we could dream when he got help. He did sober up and by the grace of God we are currently making the dream reality.

*HUGS*

~piggle~
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Old 12-16-2002, 01:00 PM
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If you can, just leave

At my Al Anon meetings there are only married women. So i always ask them how in the world they chose to get involve with addicts. I mean they all new that these people had some kind of problem. The answer : " I thought i could help him change". Sounds familiar???
It´s like hey, i didn´t have the chance to pick up parents but they did (not judging).
If you can ran away from him do it. Try not to go through all these s*/*. Really ,it gets nasty along the years.

Just my opinion....
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Old 12-16-2002, 01:01 PM
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Agos, I understand where you are coming from, but for some people, that's not an option....... I never believe running away from problems works.
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Old 12-16-2002, 01:12 PM
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Believe me I dont run away from my problems, I face them the best way possible, but why looking for more if you have the OPTION to decide if getting involved or not????

I would never have wanted to live by a couple of addicts that have increase the amount of problems in my life. Sadly I´m paying the consequences of there acts.

As i said it´s just an opinion from my point of view.

Agos
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Old 12-16-2002, 01:19 PM
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I understand about the option...... i am in that situation myself. Problem is - i can't walk away from it! just can't........

time will tell......
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Old 12-17-2002, 06:05 AM
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Agos

It is so much easier to look into a situation and say "I would NEVER put up with that". I have spent most of my adult life as the strong one. The one who drove 3 hrs at 2 am to pick up a friend after her husband hit her and took her in. I urged her to press charges and even drove her to the police station, but she was not ready. I never understood that....all of my friends knew I took no sh*t from anyone and I had little sympathy for someone who would choose to stay in a bad situation....be it abuse or drugs or cheating. That was a lifetime ago.

As women, we always like to think we would be stronger and make better choices in those sitautions. They say if you are arrested and go to a jury trial (as a woman) that you DO NOT want women on your jury because they all put themselves in your place and THINK they would have reacted better/differently and have difficulty empathizing with the accused. Interesting, isn't it?

I found myself in a sitaution I knew I would never stay in...and funny thing, I stayed. It's all subjective....and irrelevant. You cannot only support those who choose as you think you would....You have to support what "is". Reality isn't scripted and it isn't always the path you intended. Sometimes those most worthy of our support and love are those who are struggling, no matter how they got there.

~piggle~
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