I hate myself sometimes
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Anywherebuthere,US
Posts: 14
I hate myself sometimes
Just when I think I am doing better, something seems to slam me back into that place I don't want to be. That person I don't want to be. Tuesday, I heard a song - music is a powerful trigger for me. Kelly Clarkson's Because of You. The words made me think of him - of us. It's been several weeks since I last talked to him and I was literally having an internal commotion with myself to keep from calling him. To what end? To hear his voice? To make him care about me? To make him not drink or do drugs? To make him see my worth? I was shaking and crying - so miserable and almost out of control. It was all I could do to not call him. Well, I did call him, blocked the number and when he answered, I hung up.
I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. Why is it that I can know in my head that walking away and letting go is the right thing but all it takes is my heart kicking in for one vulnerable second and I am back to square one again? I am ashamed for being smart enough to know the right thing but being so dumb to keep wanting the insanity.
I have so many things to be thankful for and yet there I sat, wishing for him to do the impossible. He can't love me the way that I want him to. I know all the reasons that I should move on with my life and let the past, and him, go. I'm even ashamed to think that people are reading this and thinking how pathetic I am. Thinking - why is she so stupid? Why does she want someone who lied to her, took from her, was disloyal, untrustworthy, unfaithful? What kind of sick and disgusting person wants that? I hate that desperate wanting? What kind of idiot wants that kind of turmoil in their life.
Letting go - really doing it and not constantly thinking about it. I want that.
I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself. Why is it that I can know in my head that walking away and letting go is the right thing but all it takes is my heart kicking in for one vulnerable second and I am back to square one again? I am ashamed for being smart enough to know the right thing but being so dumb to keep wanting the insanity.
I have so many things to be thankful for and yet there I sat, wishing for him to do the impossible. He can't love me the way that I want him to. I know all the reasons that I should move on with my life and let the past, and him, go. I'm even ashamed to think that people are reading this and thinking how pathetic I am. Thinking - why is she so stupid? Why does she want someone who lied to her, took from her, was disloyal, untrustworthy, unfaithful? What kind of sick and disgusting person wants that? I hate that desperate wanting? What kind of idiot wants that kind of turmoil in their life.
Letting go - really doing it and not constantly thinking about it. I want that.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
First of all, no one here will think of you as stupid or pathetic. These are things you think about yourself .... you need to get past these feelings.
We all are worth something, we all do stupid and pathetic things. We pick ourselves up and move forward and try desperately not to stay stuck in one place .... always moving forward.
Instead of wishing for him to do the impossible, YOU do what is possible.
Get to Al Anon, read the sticky posts here and start taking those baby steps towards recovery. Before you know it, you'll be running a marathon towards recovery.
Get up, get moving and get well! You can do it because you are smart and a beautiful person. Do what you know is right.
We all are worth something, we all do stupid and pathetic things. We pick ourselves up and move forward and try desperately not to stay stuck in one place .... always moving forward.
Instead of wishing for him to do the impossible, YOU do what is possible.
Get to Al Anon, read the sticky posts here and start taking those baby steps towards recovery. Before you know it, you'll be running a marathon towards recovery.
Get up, get moving and get well! You can do it because you are smart and a beautiful person. Do what you know is right.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by Nony
I am ashamed for being smart enough to know the right thing but being so dumb to keep wanting the insanity.
You're doing great, and you'll get even better with time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
nony - LOTS of us have said the same things to ourselves. you don't want the insanity - you long for the good parts but unfortunately insanity comes in the package if they are not willing to recover. letting go is a tough thing. are you attending al-anon? i can't remember!
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 2
Don't Beat yourself Up
Dear Nony,
Honey you are not pathetic!!! You are so human and full of emotion like all of us who has done or come close to the same thing. I called my son this week knowing I was not going to get the response I so wanted. I said to myself why do I do that. Why do I call knowing he really doesn't want to talk with me. It hurts so badly. I just keep saying to myself, it is the drugs, it isn't really him. HOWEVER!!! I still know I have to keep letting go...Don't beat up yourself. It is all a process...a learning... and it does take time.
God bless you
Many Prayers
Kimmie
Honey you are not pathetic!!! You are so human and full of emotion like all of us who has done or come close to the same thing. I called my son this week knowing I was not going to get the response I so wanted. I said to myself why do I do that. Why do I call knowing he really doesn't want to talk with me. It hurts so badly. I just keep saying to myself, it is the drugs, it isn't really him. HOWEVER!!! I still know I have to keep letting go...Don't beat up yourself. It is all a process...a learning... and it does take time.
God bless you
Many Prayers
Kimmie
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I don't think I go back to square one when a trigger hits. Maybe two or three steps back. But the recovery time to get back to square one, and beyond, gets shorter and shorter every time. It does get better 
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Anywherebuthere,US
Posts: 14
Thanks for the feedback everyone. Sometimes I just feel so crazy and stupid. Pathetic, desperate. You name it, I beat myself up about it. I can't dwell on all the horrible things he has done to me - it would kill me. But I have to find a healthy way to remind myself WHY I put that distance there. WHY that boundary was set. Yet when I realize that here I am - 2 college degrees (so somewhat educated, lol), just bought a new home, beautiful, wonderful, precious child, a good job where I get to help people, a mother that I have made proud, dependable, likeable, cared for by others, my car is paid for, my debt is 1/2 of what it was when I divorced 3 years ago - all this good stuff that I should dwell on and be proud of - but I become a crying, self-loathing, spastic creature over some song that triggered memories of someone who was just a small blip on the radar (in the grand scheme of things). Sorry to ramble...
Nony
PS - I am not currently in al-anon but am trying to find out how I can be. I live in a small town with only one al-anon group. Due to my profession, my presence at the meeting would likely hinder the therapeutic environment and make some people feel uncomfortable because I referred them there. I also would not have the degree of privacy about my own situation that I would like. I have widened the circle a bit and am looking in other nearby towns.
Nony
PS - I am not currently in al-anon but am trying to find out how I can be. I live in a small town with only one al-anon group. Due to my profession, my presence at the meeting would likely hinder the therapeutic environment and make some people feel uncomfortable because I referred them there. I also would not have the degree of privacy about my own situation that I would like. I have widened the circle a bit and am looking in other nearby towns.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Do you have any relatives that were alcoholic??
Perhaps you could get something from open AA meeting's.
Even ministers come to open AA meetings to get the feel and learn. I think any human in this world would be able to say I am Al-Anon. We all have at least a friend of a friend that is alcoholic.
At one time I needed to be at a meeting, we only had Al-Anon once a week. I went six nights to an open AA meeting. To be with people that knew. to join in the prayers.
After learning the 3 C's in Al-Anon I realy learned more from AA.
Just me, just a thought.
Perhaps you could get something from open AA meeting's.
Even ministers come to open AA meetings to get the feel and learn. I think any human in this world would be able to say I am Al-Anon. We all have at least a friend of a friend that is alcoholic.
At one time I needed to be at a meeting, we only had Al-Anon once a week. I went six nights to an open AA meeting. To be with people that knew. to join in the prayers.
After learning the 3 C's in Al-Anon I realy learned more from AA.
Just me, just a thought.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Anywherebuthere,US
Posts: 14
Clancy - yes, I have relatives (now deceased) that were alcoholics - dad, maternal grandfather, numerous uncles. I would love to go to open AA meetings because I'd love to get some insight into their thought process, experiences, etc. and because there are more meetings available. But, I would run into the same problem. I refer many, many clients to AA and I am afraid if they saw me there, they may think I was gathering information about them and would feel uncomfortable and unable to share or participate due to my presence. I need to find a place where I can have some anonymity as well so I don't sabotage my therapeutic relationships (and authority) with my clients. As a single mom, scooting out of town can be difficult to schedule but I am looking. I know I need a place to get support for what I am going through. Also, as a side note, my friend lived in a recovery community here in town and I met many of his neighbors/friends. My presence would be disruptive for them (human nature and curiousity) and I might hear things I don't want to know, either.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
Nony,
You had the strength to walk away. I read your post and didn't even read what others replied yet and my heart is aching with you. All that you have said is what I feel but I haven't had the strength to walk away. I remain in i the insanity. So if you are pathetic for your feelings what does that make me. I don't have any words to make your pain go away. I'm sure so many people here have said wise things. Do something for you, but don't beat yourself up. You are okay and you will be okay. You are not alone.
J
You had the strength to walk away. I read your post and didn't even read what others replied yet and my heart is aching with you. All that you have said is what I feel but I haven't had the strength to walk away. I remain in i the insanity. So if you are pathetic for your feelings what does that make me. I don't have any words to make your pain go away. I'm sure so many people here have said wise things. Do something for you, but don't beat yourself up. You are okay and you will be okay. You are not alone.
J
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Join Date: Oct 2005
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Somebodysfool - I pray I have the strength to keep walking. Walking forward and not looking or falling back. I used to walk really tall and stand really strong at one time in my life. But my wings have been clipped for about the last 6 years and I feel so small and helpless sometimes. Maybe I can find that strength and confidence I once had.
Like an onion, I'll peel back another layer of my story to share. I had been married for 4 years when I became pregnant with my daughter. I learned in my first trimester - from a phone call from the other woman - that my husband had been unfaithful. Eventually, within a year, we separated for good. About 18 months after our final separation, I met a man. That man was the alcoholic I grew to love. (Of course most of this information is from the benefit of hindsight). I was very vulnerable. Felt unloved, unloveable, ugly, hurt.... Anyway, you can see where this was headed. The last four years have been a rollercoaster that has sapped me of what little bit of confidence I had left and introduced new sources of pain and shame I never thought possible. I'd love to walk tall again. Hell, I'd love to just walk, move, something instead of feeling stuck.
Thanks everyone. I really need the positive support.
Like an onion, I'll peel back another layer of my story to share. I had been married for 4 years when I became pregnant with my daughter. I learned in my first trimester - from a phone call from the other woman - that my husband had been unfaithful. Eventually, within a year, we separated for good. About 18 months after our final separation, I met a man. That man was the alcoholic I grew to love. (Of course most of this information is from the benefit of hindsight). I was very vulnerable. Felt unloved, unloveable, ugly, hurt.... Anyway, you can see where this was headed. The last four years have been a rollercoaster that has sapped me of what little bit of confidence I had left and introduced new sources of pain and shame I never thought possible. I'd love to walk tall again. Hell, I'd love to just walk, move, something instead of feeling stuck.
Thanks everyone. I really need the positive support.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: lynn,ma
Posts: 37
Boy do I relate!!! I'll do so good and be proud of myself for not calling him and then as soon as I begin to feel lonely I call.Then I feel like I f*dup and reopened the wound I worked so hard at closing. And for what,pain grief aggravation and dissappointment??I feel ashamed and disgusted. I should know better, why can't I just stay away?
You are not pathetic, sick ,disgusting or stupid!!So we f**ed up, now what to do to fix it..?I don't know the answers but I just wanted to let you know you are but alone!!Try not to beat yourself up soo bad!
Melissa
You are not pathetic, sick ,disgusting or stupid!!So we f**ed up, now what to do to fix it..?I don't know the answers but I just wanted to let you know you are but alone!!Try not to beat yourself up soo bad!
Melissa
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
ahhhh sweetie...
It will be a year next month since the breakup with my ex-Abf, I relasped in March but have not had contact with him in 6 months. I have almost completed all my goals for 2005, Gotten together with a wonderful man that treats me like gold and Im going to Al-anon and have a wonderful sponsor.
SO ... A week ago, Im at Mr. R's house (he wrote music with my ex) and Im looking at his music, he wants me to hear some of it and within 60 seconds I ask who is playing the guitar on the song.... he tells me, and YEP ... I busted out in a crying fit.... I was SO embarrased, I promptly walked outside.... Mr R followed feeling horrible and I asked for a moment and immediately called and blubbered to my sponsor.
Its a trigger is all hon, it does not mean your stupid or anything else... it means you loved, and your human. Have you thought about private theraphy??? Its not the same as a support group but it could help. The other thing is maybe you could go to the out of town meeting and get a sponsor there... it helps to have someone that knows and understands and then just attend one meeting a month in the other town. Its better then nothing.
*hugs* to you and remember its a process, Progress not perfection
It will be a year next month since the breakup with my ex-Abf, I relasped in March but have not had contact with him in 6 months. I have almost completed all my goals for 2005, Gotten together with a wonderful man that treats me like gold and Im going to Al-anon and have a wonderful sponsor.
SO ... A week ago, Im at Mr. R's house (he wrote music with my ex) and Im looking at his music, he wants me to hear some of it and within 60 seconds I ask who is playing the guitar on the song.... he tells me, and YEP ... I busted out in a crying fit.... I was SO embarrased, I promptly walked outside.... Mr R followed feeling horrible and I asked for a moment and immediately called and blubbered to my sponsor.
Its a trigger is all hon, it does not mean your stupid or anything else... it means you loved, and your human. Have you thought about private theraphy??? Its not the same as a support group but it could help. The other thing is maybe you could go to the out of town meeting and get a sponsor there... it helps to have someone that knows and understands and then just attend one meeting a month in the other town. Its better then nothing.
*hugs* to you and remember its a process, Progress not perfection
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