TexasGirl

I went to my third session today, and our talking eventually came to interventions. I reference SR a lot, and she thinks it's a great tool for me. I told her that it seems the general consensus on this board is that interventions are usually not effective because the person has to decide to do it for themselves. But then she brought up a good point to me. She said (after hearing my thoughts of staying or going) that the intervention could be for me, not him. What a good point! If I do this for me, exhausting my last option, and he does not choose to seek recovery, then I can say I did my best and attempt to move on, as guilt-free as possible. If he does choose recovery, even better. Granted, there is a chance he would not stick with it, as we all know, at which point I would know again that I had done my best. If after a year or two of active recovery (or whatever I deemed necessary), I would feel more confident in staying in our marriage and exploring starting a family. I am 27. I can afford 2 years if he is actively pursuing recovery to wait on him and a familly. What are your thoughts on my plan?

ASpouse

I don't know the entire story with you and your H. It's a tough position. Do you wait the 2 years, because you can afford it (none of us really know that for sure) or do you not wait. Wish I could help you or offer some insight, but I just don't know.

Jazzman

TG, I posted my experience w/ intervention a while back but wanted to reiterate specifically for your situation. Confrontational or sympathetic intervention? Be aware that if the intervention does not produce "your desired result" you have to be ready to pull the trigger on your threat, assuming the threat would be the end of the marriage. Are you ready for Lawyers and Divorce? Contested or uncontested? Financial divorce and all that goes along with it? Or at least mentally prepared? Will an intervention get your heart and mind in sync? Plan, plan, plan. Think about it, then think about it some more.

I once offered my ex wife another 28 day rehab then a one year trial, (but legal) separation, then talk about the marriage in a years time. Of course, sobriety was a condition of the talk in a years time.

Cazza

I would definitely read up on interventions, and possibly hire someone to facilitate it from the outside. Since your A is still an active part of your life, I think an intervention is worth a shot, but you have to be fully prepared to follow through with your promises of what will happen if he doesn't seek the help that you are setting up for him. It is a very tricky situation, learn as much as possible about it first, and examine whether or not YOU are ready to deal with the results.

Jazzman

Oh yeah... I'm assuming you have done all your home work, choice of center and verified an open bed, health insurance coverage, yada, yada... Talked to a Lawyer about leagal issues surrounding divorce if it goes south?

Minx1969

Texasgirl,

I think if you do it for you..and you don't have any expectations that it would work then go for it..

If it works -
You might want to clarify (with your counsellor) what do you mean by active recovery? As I've seen in AA and my readings, there are many more issues once they become sober..

You want to be very clear in your message to him..and yes YOUR actions need to match with your words..Like everyone said already, if you draw the line, you need to be ready to follow through..

Also 27 is still plenty of time to meet someone new and get married..Some of us are over 35..and not married yet with kids..

Zoey

Has he ever attended AA, or been thru treatment??? If he has, it should have spoiled his drinking, And maybe he will go back.
Are you sure you will be happy without him. Can you replace him??
Think Jazz has good info.
Have you made lists?? Your dreams without him.?? Life with him??
if no violence i would coast a bit, think, some more.
I should have went back on your posts and got more info, just suggestions.

minnie

TG - I think you have a very wise counsellor. And, if I may be so bold, I think this nugget she has given you may just be the start of the breakthrough you need. I know that I needed to hang in there and know I did everything I could - and I don't just mean in a codie sense. As Dr Phil says, I earned my way out of the relationship - I went to al-anon, I practiced detachment, we went to couples counselling, I had individual counselling and probably lots more besides. The only thing I didn't try was an intervention, but that is only because I am sceptical. And even when I left, I still had a teeny weeny bit of hope left that it would jolt him into recovery. But that was dashed when I found out he had joined an on-line dating site within 6 weeks in order to find my replacement.

You've got some great advice here - let us know what you decide.

dreamcatcher

An intervention was done on my ex ah. I was relieved he chose treatment, BUT when it "didn't work" I got the good ole "well I did it because you put me on the spot" I am not saying this will happen to you, but generally from what I have seen it is best if they seek help with no influence. You must be very careful in how the intervention is done and who does it. I waited around for 23 years. I am starting over at 46, but there was no way I could have brought myself to leave any sooner. When I was done I was done! I have no regrets, I know in my heart I did everything I could have possibly done.

BigSis

I believe recovery (like addiction) is a process, not an event. When trying to let go of outcomes, you might consider that just doing the intervention might be part of that process.

We did a family intervention with my mom in 1978 or so. She went to the hospital and since they didn't have a detox, she was placed in a lock-down psych ward that looked like something out of "One Flew Over the CuckCoos Nest". She was sober about two months.

A year later, brother did the same thing with her - intervention, psych ward, some sobriety and relapse. But I believe when she decided herself to get sober in 1980, she had already discovered some things that DIDN'T work. (she is still sober today.... no meetings, no formal recovery).

But.

An alcoholic can relapse at any time... any time. At my kid's last rehab, there was a man there with his wife. They had been married for 18 years. He had been sober when they met... he had relapsed the year before.

She had no idea when she married him what alcoholism was, or what relapse looked like... she was totally lost.

You do know. So, I would have to ask myself.... how can I stay sane for the REST of my life, married to an alcoholic. The worry, fear and mistrust won't just go away in a year or two.

Do you attend Alanon? I find that I need about three meetings a week to keep me sane.

I wish you the best....

I hope this helps, I wish you the best.

TexasGirl

I have gotten some great advice. I definitely have a lot to think about. As far as the details that were mentiioned, I am not near that point yet. I'm in the "let me feel this out a bit" stage. Of course prior to any move, I would do my "homework," though I have checked with my insurance on my center of choice. Yes, he has attended AA, but strictly as a court-ordered thing post DWI #1. He said he got nothing out of it because all of the guys attending would go get drunk together before. After he realized that the anonymity of AA meant that truly anyone could sign his probation cards, he quickly quit going and really got nothing from it. And I don't want to give up before doing everything I can, but if I can't help, I know I have to go. I know that 100%. But, and a big but, I can't forget that sobriety is a tough life too. That's what piece I left out of my post today. I thought I had the perfect answer to solving my problem, but that part completely slipped my mind. Do I want to worry the rest of my life about relapse? Do I have the patience to deal with the inevitable side effects of him dropping alcohol for good? I do have a lot to consider, and in the meantime, I'll continue to research the idea of intervention, just in case I take that road.
Thanks guys.

meli2005

I think the road to recovery varies so much for every alcoholic. The interventioin may get them into treatment because they feel they will lose so much if they don't go. They may fail and relapse, but hopefully will get back on their feet.

reikihelps

hey TG,

Any way you cut it, you have to take care of you. The more consistently you do that, the clearer your answers will be.
I find myself most foggyheaded when I put everybody else first and forget about my responsibility for self care. That's rough to maintain consistency because of the nature of addiction and it's crisis mode.
I have been involved in many interventions with teens and their families. Some work like a charm; others don't work at all. As a family we have had 2 with our son; I would say both seemed to be moderately successful but it really is our son's choice to work at recovery or continue the self destruct path. So far he's choosing B.
One thing's for sure - if you have an intervention, get a professional to lead it for you. Drug and alcohol facilities often have counselor's who will come to the home to lead one.
-hope this was helpful-
((((hang in there)))))

JessicaNAJ

I like the way your counselor put it. I agree that sobriety has to be what the alcoholic/addict wants and that an intervention is not always the best as far as that goes. Seems and intervention forces a person into recovery just to save the relationship, but once that is all said and done, how strong is the person to stay sober? G quit drinking for 6 months b/c he thought it would save our marriage. But his actions didn't change therefore my feelings didn't change. He's drinking again and of course....that's my fault too.

Anyway....At least you will know that you gave him that one chance to try.

Cap3

Hey TG,what do i think about your plan?Methinks that if it sounds good for you,do what you know is best.
I today no longer make decisions based on what others do or dont do.I dont,because its way to fickle.People can change on a dime.They will never be all that i would want them to be,as i will never be all that they want either.To many things are up in da air,when i give my power over to folks,making important decisions.So i give my power over to the care of God.Praying/meditating,and i wait,until im clear,no matter what another does,or doesnt do.Life on lifes tems,has proven time and time again,when another sobers up,that still the non-alcoholic,is in pain.For things are just not working out,as they dreamed about.They come to realize,that the alcoholic,still has issues,as well as the non-alcoholic too.So i make decisons,based on Gods will not mine.Through prayer,its a knowing,gut feeling,on what i need to do,and what direction i should take.Taking councel,but the bottom line is that i go to God,.If i relie on others,and then make decisons,i tend blame them if things dont work out.Then i need to work on why blame another,it was i who followed their advice..My recovery no matter what.Working on my own issues.Then im more centered,more clear,to make decisons,.Even if after i think my decisions didnt work out,latter down da road,thats second guessing,.They still did work out.Nothing happens in Gods world by mistake.If things are meant to be,they will be....