Mass Confusion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
Mass Confusion
I wish I could type my thoughts faster when I am thinking or have this computer attached to my brain.
But here it goes...I've read time after time that we all have such similar stories and some of us seem to be in the same place at times. I understand we are all human beings and human nature is human nature and dealings with A's and codie's from a large pool of people here the "eerie similarities" only make sense mathematically.
Anyway, there's been a lot of the love, in love, like, was it ever love, give up, hold on, no hope, hope, need answers, straight shooting, sugar coating, compassion on and on. My head is swarming all these things apply to me.
The lawyer says 1 in 5 A's will turn around and try to work things out, that my feelings of guilt, ambivalence, anger, grief are all perfectly normal I'll cycle through it through the whole process.
The blame from my H is normal for an A, the lies, denial, the alcohol being a symptom or way to escape pain he felt before me, with me, whatever is normal.
The enpowered recovery site says the only way to survive an alcoholic relationship is for the A to recover or the nonA to leave...deal with it now or deal with it later but eventually you'll have to deal with it.
Al-anon gives us hope saying we can have a rewarding life whether or not the A even if the A is actively drinking.
My counselor believes if my H saw how serious I was in setting a boundary of until you are sober you cannot live here, you can come back if you are in a recovery program, attend counseling, stop the behaviors (he will straighten up).
People say dump him, why would he change he has the best of both worlds, get out, quit chasing, you are young, you are in a great postion(in 5 years my youngest will be 18 I will be 41),take care of yourself, others says separation doesn't mean divorce, what can you live with, is this how you want to live, alcoholism is a progressive disease,(ie that DUI is coming), what about your kids...
I am so confused and the only one I want to process with lately and have understand what is going on with me is him.
Phew. So with all this going on in my head I need a mental vacation. I can't make heads or tails. My head says run my heart says resolve. Stop.
Back to prayer, back to God, back to al-anon, to the counselor, to taking care of myself, to basics one last time. Because I've also been told if I change (which I want to be healthy badly) our relationship will naturally change and then it will be easier to re-evaluate. Nothing changes if nothing changes and I can only change me. What do I want? What is the best way to get there? Stop thinking and start doing the work.
Right?
J
But here it goes...I've read time after time that we all have such similar stories and some of us seem to be in the same place at times. I understand we are all human beings and human nature is human nature and dealings with A's and codie's from a large pool of people here the "eerie similarities" only make sense mathematically.
Anyway, there's been a lot of the love, in love, like, was it ever love, give up, hold on, no hope, hope, need answers, straight shooting, sugar coating, compassion on and on. My head is swarming all these things apply to me.
The lawyer says 1 in 5 A's will turn around and try to work things out, that my feelings of guilt, ambivalence, anger, grief are all perfectly normal I'll cycle through it through the whole process.
The blame from my H is normal for an A, the lies, denial, the alcohol being a symptom or way to escape pain he felt before me, with me, whatever is normal.
The enpowered recovery site says the only way to survive an alcoholic relationship is for the A to recover or the nonA to leave...deal with it now or deal with it later but eventually you'll have to deal with it.
Al-anon gives us hope saying we can have a rewarding life whether or not the A even if the A is actively drinking.
My counselor believes if my H saw how serious I was in setting a boundary of until you are sober you cannot live here, you can come back if you are in a recovery program, attend counseling, stop the behaviors (he will straighten up).
People say dump him, why would he change he has the best of both worlds, get out, quit chasing, you are young, you are in a great postion(in 5 years my youngest will be 18 I will be 41),take care of yourself, others says separation doesn't mean divorce, what can you live with, is this how you want to live, alcoholism is a progressive disease,(ie that DUI is coming), what about your kids...
I am so confused and the only one I want to process with lately and have understand what is going on with me is him.
Phew. So with all this going on in my head I need a mental vacation. I can't make heads or tails. My head says run my heart says resolve. Stop.
Back to prayer, back to God, back to al-anon, to the counselor, to taking care of myself, to basics one last time. Because I've also been told if I change (which I want to be healthy badly) our relationship will naturally change and then it will be easier to re-evaluate. Nothing changes if nothing changes and I can only change me. What do I want? What is the best way to get there? Stop thinking and start doing the work.
Right?
J
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
I know exactly what you mean about the mental vacation. I've been racking my brains trying to decide exactly what it is that is going through my head so I can make my next move. Unfortunately for me....the stars have to be aligned just right for me to just make a move.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Right, right and right!
Back to working on you because as Dr Phil says someone has to be the hero. Someone has to step up and do the changing and since you are the one with the clearer vision that person has to be you. I say here often that making a life altering decision before you yourself is healthy is a mistake. You will only end up doubting yourself down the line and probably reverting to past behavior.
In my personal life I wanted to run. I felt trapped and feeling trapped is a serious symptom to me today that something is not right...with me. Anyway, I did not run. I was told that if I run I take myself with me...and I wasn't even too fond of myself back then. I could easily end up in the same boat with a different shipmate. So I stayed. That was over 10 years ago and I am still here, but a whole lot has changed. A whole lot!
Good post! Good thread!
Back to working on you because as Dr Phil says someone has to be the hero. Someone has to step up and do the changing and since you are the one with the clearer vision that person has to be you. I say here often that making a life altering decision before you yourself is healthy is a mistake. You will only end up doubting yourself down the line and probably reverting to past behavior.
In my personal life I wanted to run. I felt trapped and feeling trapped is a serious symptom to me today that something is not right...with me. Anyway, I did not run. I was told that if I run I take myself with me...and I wasn't even too fond of myself back then. I could easily end up in the same boat with a different shipmate. So I stayed. That was over 10 years ago and I am still here, but a whole lot has changed. A whole lot!
Good post! Good thread!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
My 2 cents, If no violence, and no cheating, I would stay one day at a time, and keep the car insurance paid.
That is if you have never seen another man that looks interesting.
This is not advise. Just my thought as to what I would deceide today.
I think we will know in our heart and soul when we want out.
That is if you have never seen another man that looks interesting.
This is not advise. Just my thought as to what I would deceide today.
I think we will know in our heart and soul when we want out.
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