hello

My bf got his 30 day token on Wednesday, then went out and drank/used. I am so disappointed but understand that slips are part of recovery. I told him I loved him. He called me and wants me to come over because he is hungry. He had money yesterday, but spent it on pot/pills/alcohol. He asked me for $15 and I said "NO WAY." I am trying so hard to detach. My question is: How do I detach and protect myself without feeling like I am controlling and manipulating? How do I detach in his presence?

For example, he's going to want to hang out with me tonight. I told him last night that I didn't want to be around him unless he was in a sober state of mind (he lies about being sober, but I can ALWAYS tell and he minimizes being high on pot). They think they are so smart! Can I say to him, "I will hang out with you if we can go to a meeting together." Or ""you need to be clean for a day before I will see you." Is that manipulative or just boundary setting?

Debbie

Hi Hello

I don't think what you are asking is unreasonable at all. I think you are setting your boundaries, you just need to stick to them.

If you bf is hungry, instead of giving him money, take him some cooked food, if you feel like it. Do what is best for you!!

I hope things work out.

You take care.
Many hugs.
Love,
Debbie

Laceejoe

You're among friends here on the board, Hello---and I hope that you keep coming back. The people here will give you the strength you need to start the detachment process and begin taking care of you. Your boyfriend is important to you, I'm sure, but we each have our journey to make in this life---and every day is full of choices. He made HIS by picking up and using again, and you seem to have made your's by stating what you will/will not allow in your presence. Probably without knowing it, you've already started to detach----and I would suggest attending Alanon meetings and reading as much as you can on codependency and detachment. It will help tremendously. I wasn't exactly sure what the word "detachment" meant until I went to my first Alanon meeting prior to my oldest daughter getting out of rehab and moving back home with me. The kind ladies there understood my fear of having to leave the house for work and other family committments, knowing that my daughter could easily go on a down-hill slide without me here. Well, after listening to what these people said----I realized that no amount of love and caring I could give to my daughter will keep her sober if she REALLY doesn't want it!! I learned that I have to go on living---loving her, but giving her the space she needs to make her own choices. She knows the consequences of her alcoholism (it almost killed her!!)---but I can't wrap her in cotton to keep her from picking up that bottle again!! DETACHMENT---pure and simple!!! Learn to take care of you, Hello---and know that it is not a manipulative tactic----you're just learning to be gentle to yourself. Best of luck!! Hugs---Laceejoe

Live

In my case I said do not come around me if you have been drinking, not even ONE. I didn't say don't drink, I just said don't come around me. If he did, I asked him to leave, if he didn't, I did. sometimes I went and stayed over night at a friend's house.
This can backfire too. Sometimes, if he was irritated or had something he wanted to do or some old friend showed up, he'd grab a beer, knowing that I would grab my purse and leave. So it got used as a manipulation device against me.

As someone else said earlier, I think, if he's hungry I'd feed him. If it required money, then I guess we could both got out for dinner!?

??????
good luck,
live

JT

Hello Hello

The thing about boundaries is that they are never about manipulating THEM. If what you are thinking falls under that umbrella then it is not a boundary.

A boundary is about taking care of YOU! You do not want to be with him when he is using? Then tell him that. That is in no way insisting he stay sober, only that you prefer not to share in his high.

If you are exploring boundary's then examine them under that light. Is this what I want or is this what I want for him?? They are about protecting YOU.

And one last word...try to think it through before you speak. If you are not ready to stand behind your words you lose credibility.

You are on the right track...

(((HUGS))))
JT

hello

Dear Debbie, Laceejoe, Live, JT,

Thank you so much for your insight. I went to my alanon meeting tonight and made a phone call. I did deliver some food and cigarrettes to him. He was loaded on pills (maybe valium or muscle relaxants) and could hardly talk. It was so sad to see, that I left right away. He is in such denial and acted like nothing was wrong. He has a support group now in NA and a sponsor, so I don't feel totally responsible for being there for him in his misery. I just pray that he will do what he needs to do, before he dies in his disease. He pulls on my heart strings. In a way I think he is crying out for help, and again I want to help.

I am so angry, though. I got a small taste of a wonderful life with a wonderful person during the short time he was sober. Why, why, why did he have to pick up?? I am so tired of this. When do you just let go completely? Is it possible he will seek sobriety while in a relationship with me? I would like to hear stories from addicts of their turning points.

Morning Glory

Hi hello,

I don't think I've had a chance to welcome you. I know what you are going through is painful. I just went through the same thing with my son.

The only thing we can do is keep the focus on our HP and ourselves. We work daily to accept things as they are and hope that those we love will change for their sake.

I am angry and sad and hurt that this disease has a hold of my son, but there is nothing I can do. I am powerless over his recovery. It has to come from within him. He has to surrender his disease to his HP. He is powerless over his disease.

Live in reality as it is and hold on to hope.

Hugs and prayers,

MG

Laceejoe

I was so happy to read that you had gone to an Alanon meeting, but sad that you had to see your boyfriend in the state he was in when you got there. It's okay to have him pull at your heartstrings---it just means you're a very caring person, but you're right in that you are NOT responsible for his misery. Every day we make choices---choices that often affect others in our lives, but our choices nonetheless. We each, in making those choices, have to live with the consequences of our decisions. Your boyfriend has apparently not hit his bottom yet. Whether he wants to do it while in his relationship with you remains to be seen---but please don't think that if he doesn't, that it has anything to do with you. Alcoholics/addicts are so blind at times, and don't realize the good things they have until it's often WAY TOO LATE!!! Each one's bottom may be a little different---but they honestly have to reach it before they can start climbing up!! What they've lost while in their addiction is something they, themselves have to heal from----and that is a part of their healing. My daughter is going through that right now. She has lost some very good relationships while in her active addiction, and she realizes now how badly she treated so many people. A few have stuck by her from the sidelines---but most had enough, and called it quits a long time ago. I can't take away her pain of loss----only pray for her that she gains strength from her pain. We all need to walk our own paths, Hello----and whatever paths we choose, right or wrong---are ones we have to live with. I'm so happy that you're beginning on a new path for you, and even though there will be moments of sadness over the losses----you can/will become stronger if you want it badly enough. Please continue coming to the boards, and let us know how you are doing. God bless you with the strength you need to discover how worthy you are of a good life!! Love, LACEEJOE

hello

Hi everyone,
I am just afraid then next time I call he will not be alive. He gets so loaded that he loses his mind and doesn't know what he is doing/how many pills he is taking. He's talked about not wanting to live anymore and probably feels like a total failure again because he picked up. I am just so worried. I turned off my phones last night and went to bed. But I want to call him today just to make sure he is alive! I want to call his sponsor, too, even though I know that is a no-no. What to do? Hello