equus

D drank, I lost the plot! Partly because work has been even worse than usual, partly just 'cos there's no-one else I can swear at.

I'm pretty ashamed of myself. Tomorrow I'll say my sorry's and try to learn something. Try

Beautiful

Okay. Tomorrow will be better.

It will be better.

susane1408

So sorry Equus, hope tomorrow is better for you.

Get a good nights sleep and take care of yourself.
(((Equus)))

JT

I don't know what you did that was so bad but it is always a shame when our day gets ruined by something they do.

FormerDoormat

Don't be too hard on yourself, Equus. Tomorrow is another day. It offers a fresh start and another chance to get things right.

equus

I lost my temper, I called him names, emptied half a pint over his head, told him not to say he loves me anymore. All in public.

Nothing could make me feel more ashamed of myself, I 'don't' do any of those things - I just wanted to be the opposite of me, to be cruel, to make him pay for what I felt.

I felt total anger about my job, I'd just driven back from a kids home where one girl was asked to leave because she was 16 and another is being told the same - I was angry people don't want so many children that the beds in children'd homes are needed so much they get booted at 16.

I felt like our health system just left us to do the impossible but D could fail and I have to not fail - so I did. I failed completely.

I'm trying to forgive myself, D's asleep I've written a letter saying sorry and telling him all the nasty stuff was ahat I want to do to IT NOT HIM. I've told him how much IT scares me and how much I love him.

I feel like everything I believe in is a fraud - I was just cruel and angry.

FormerDoormat

I think that before you ask D. for forgiveness, you need to forgive yourself--for being human.

cwohio

oh equus - you have been thru the wringer about so many things, including all the frustration about D's treatment. you are human and something has to give once in a while. i am so sorry you are feeling bad but don't beat yourself up. big hugs to you from across the pond - my heart is hurting for you!

JennyK

I can not believe that you have not expressed such frustration sooner. Forgive yourself. And do it for REAL. You are a good person.

Cazza

Hugs to you Equus! Please, don't be too hard on yourself. You are human after all.

gelfling

Dear Eq...

We can only take so much. You've had more than your share. A double whammy. As tough as we all pretend to be and want to be, we are made of the same stuff; flesh, and blood.

I hope you don't feel that you're a failure because things didn't work out. It's happened to everyone of us. You've worked tirelessly for months. We don't need to forgive ourselves for being human. Just those we've offended. And I know that D knows where your heart is. If anybody does, that kind and soft hearted husband of yours does. Through it all, he's shown more emotion, committment and love to you than I've ever seen in my life. You're blessed my dear friend.

Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps the beginning of the desperately needed help for D.

You're in my thoughts and prayers as is D.

minnie

(((Equus)))

He cracked, you cracked. No surprise, hon. I would have cracked long before you have. Please don't beat yourself up about it - the system is beating you up enough as it is.

Perhaps this thread can give you some hope Teach

equus

Thanks all - I'm working hard on forgiving myself and trying to regain some self respect. I think self respect is the respect I show for my words and beliefs, yesterday I did a good job of trampoling over both.

D has forgiven me, in fact he was more bothered that I forgave him. He said he isn't going to give up, he's going to keep trying.

Minnie - thanks for the link to that thread. I think what's happening to us probably hapens to alot of people, I just wonder how long it will be before it's our turn to be offered a light at the end of the tunnel.

Alcohol loosened D's lips last night, how he feels about himself, being stuck in the house, how much he wanted to see the psychiatrist, how he hates this thing that's wrong with him and how angry he is not being able to enjoy life when he thinks he has it so easy.

I ask the doctors for help and they say no, I ring MIND but they aren't allowed to give any 'advice', I talk to the counsellors at APAS but they can't help either. It seems wherever we go, even if we beg and beg the answer is still the same.

3 more weeks till he's assessed and re-refered by the mental health nurse, after that it's back in the loop of refusals. D refused point blank to have me pay to go private, maybe now he'll agree - but I'm not asking today.

splendra

((((equus&D))))

equus

I think my friends are psychic!! Okay - they did know he's not coping very well but nothing else.

Apparently they've been with him for the last 3 hours and will take him back with them when they leave. My best mate is then coming back to pick me up to go swimming while D and her partner play on the playstation!

Today he's safe AND will get out the house. Today I can go swimming without any concern. Today I'm SO GRATEFUL to friends.

Five

Hang in their friend.

cwohio

((equus & D)) - enjoy your swim!

equus

Thanks! I fell sleep at work... whoops - lucky my boss isn't here. I feel better for the half hour cat nap though.

Minx1969

Equus -

Hope you are feeling better today..I know when I'm feeling tired or sick sometimes I snap as well..then I apologize..and forgive myself..

hang in there..I think you are an amazingly strong woman and D is very lucky to have you!

Cynay

Hope your doing well today and if D can forgive you .... then you can work on forgiving yourself

I know the swim will be good for you!

*hugs* to you