First time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: eldersburg, md
Posts: 1
First time
This is my first time to this site and wow, I knew there were others sharing my pain but it is helpful to really share it.
My husband is an A, we have only been married almost 1.5 years. I am at my whits ends and just want to share my story. Husband (from stories I heard) was a heavy drinker (pint of whiskey and 18-24 beers/day). When we met, 'his life turned around' he cut back and promised to get to where he doesn't drink at all. My stupidity in believing it and not waiting to see it before marrying. He actually quit drinking for 4 weeks back in August, only drank non-alcoh beer. It was heaven. Now that he has return to full drinking, it is worse than before.
I have a 10yr old from previous marriage to another A and now have a 15month old with current A. I just found out I am pregnant again. (Does it sound like a glutton?) too long to explain, but I was told conception was impossible after my first and now I will have 2 with my current A...Just when I think I understand God's plans for me, he shuffles the deck.
I survive now through prayer. Read up on St. Monica and her son St. Augustine if you are not familiar with their story. St. Monica is the patron saint for A's and their spouses.
Last night was the worst, it was his 3rd day consecutive of heavy drinking. Drinking usually doesnt start until mid afternoon. He got made last night because I wasn't interested in sex. (this is something I tell him over and over again that it ain't going to happen if he is drunk). He threatened to take our 15 month old and not come back. He said he could legally since he is the care-taker (he stays home while I work). I started to dispute this with him (not yelling, but told him he couldn't, etc.) But I said a prayer and changed my course. I decided to not fight him. I told him fine, if that is how you want to handle your problem, then take him, go. (It really killed me to have to say that since I didn't know what he would do. I knew the state he was in that if I continued to fight, he would fight back harder and it would get uglier.)
So after I told him that, 'fine, take him', he relented. He backed off, the anger subsided. When he is drunk and angry, I realized last night, he just wants a reaction from me. When I gave him a reaction he didn't expect, he backed off.
However, then the depression set in. After this, I found him in our bedroom with a .357 cocked and pointed to his face. I didn't freak. (I actually had a guilty fleeting thought of relief if he really went thru with it.) Yet, I calmly talked to him, countering his self putdowns and explained how much me and the kids loved him and needed him. He then put the gun away.
I used to play all 3 roles mentioned in another post. But what I have found now is my faith in GOD has enabled ME. I was never a spiritual person until things become tough. I never had fear last night, except for himself. I told him last night, and today that he needs help, not just for alcohol but for depression as well. He thinks (as most) that he can do this himself or I can help him. He did state that he will quit and if he cant quit after 2 weeks of trying, he will agree for us to get help.
While I agree that the 3 roles enable the A, I do feel (and read this on another website) that it is ok to discuss the previous night's issues so that the A knows what they did. (Do they really remember what they did the night before?) Discuss it in a loving way, not nagging, not bitching. Discuss how it hurt the family. Then, don't discuss it again, it only needs to be said 1 time (while they are sober.)
It has helped to share last night's episode with someone (whoever reads this). I really don't feel comfortable telling my family since I feel like a failure with 1 failed marriage to another A and now a 2nd that hasn't lasted more than 2 years.
I will continue reading thru all of the posts. Hang in there everyone.
Thanks.
My husband is an A, we have only been married almost 1.5 years. I am at my whits ends and just want to share my story. Husband (from stories I heard) was a heavy drinker (pint of whiskey and 18-24 beers/day). When we met, 'his life turned around' he cut back and promised to get to where he doesn't drink at all. My stupidity in believing it and not waiting to see it before marrying. He actually quit drinking for 4 weeks back in August, only drank non-alcoh beer. It was heaven. Now that he has return to full drinking, it is worse than before.
I have a 10yr old from previous marriage to another A and now have a 15month old with current A. I just found out I am pregnant again. (Does it sound like a glutton?) too long to explain, but I was told conception was impossible after my first and now I will have 2 with my current A...Just when I think I understand God's plans for me, he shuffles the deck.
I survive now through prayer. Read up on St. Monica and her son St. Augustine if you are not familiar with their story. St. Monica is the patron saint for A's and their spouses.
Last night was the worst, it was his 3rd day consecutive of heavy drinking. Drinking usually doesnt start until mid afternoon. He got made last night because I wasn't interested in sex. (this is something I tell him over and over again that it ain't going to happen if he is drunk). He threatened to take our 15 month old and not come back. He said he could legally since he is the care-taker (he stays home while I work). I started to dispute this with him (not yelling, but told him he couldn't, etc.) But I said a prayer and changed my course. I decided to not fight him. I told him fine, if that is how you want to handle your problem, then take him, go. (It really killed me to have to say that since I didn't know what he would do. I knew the state he was in that if I continued to fight, he would fight back harder and it would get uglier.)
So after I told him that, 'fine, take him', he relented. He backed off, the anger subsided. When he is drunk and angry, I realized last night, he just wants a reaction from me. When I gave him a reaction he didn't expect, he backed off.
However, then the depression set in. After this, I found him in our bedroom with a .357 cocked and pointed to his face. I didn't freak. (I actually had a guilty fleeting thought of relief if he really went thru with it.) Yet, I calmly talked to him, countering his self putdowns and explained how much me and the kids loved him and needed him. He then put the gun away.
I used to play all 3 roles mentioned in another post. But what I have found now is my faith in GOD has enabled ME. I was never a spiritual person until things become tough. I never had fear last night, except for himself. I told him last night, and today that he needs help, not just for alcohol but for depression as well. He thinks (as most) that he can do this himself or I can help him. He did state that he will quit and if he cant quit after 2 weeks of trying, he will agree for us to get help.
While I agree that the 3 roles enable the A, I do feel (and read this on another website) that it is ok to discuss the previous night's issues so that the A knows what they did. (Do they really remember what they did the night before?) Discuss it in a loving way, not nagging, not bitching. Discuss how it hurt the family. Then, don't discuss it again, it only needs to be said 1 time (while they are sober.)
It has helped to share last night's episode with someone (whoever reads this). I really don't feel comfortable telling my family since I feel like a failure with 1 failed marriage to another A and now a 2nd that hasn't lasted more than 2 years.
I will continue reading thru all of the posts. Hang in there everyone.
Thanks.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Welcome to SR sunshine. What a story you just unloaded.. must feel good to get that off your chest! Your husband sure needs help and if he will agree to get help you live close to one of the best rehab centers on the east coast. Father Martins Ashley, check out their web site. As for you, read all the sticky notes, get help for yourself and get support.
Get that gun out of the house NOW! I have been in your shoes before and your husband is NOT thinking clearly. You could have called 911 last night and he would have been detained for 24 hrs and then psych evaled. It is hard to know what to do and think clearly when you're going through such an intense drama like what you went through last night. Do not take anymore chances and please get that gun out of the house!
Keep posting and keep saftey first!
Get that gun out of the house NOW! I have been in your shoes before and your husband is NOT thinking clearly. You could have called 911 last night and he would have been detained for 24 hrs and then psych evaled. It is hard to know what to do and think clearly when you're going through such an intense drama like what you went through last night. Do not take anymore chances and please get that gun out of the house!
Keep posting and keep saftey first!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Hi Sunshine 
Yes what you talk about, talking about it the next day, is described in an Alanon book called "Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage."
I agree with Jazzman get that gun out of the house. Even if nothing is done on purpose, they are a dangerous thing just waiting to happen around instability plus just accidents period.
Keep your faith, and keep coming here, and go to a support group it will all help. You are NOT a failure. You are experiencing the feeling of shame, one of the many we tend to feel.
Welcome, glad you're here!
love Cloudy
Yes what you talk about, talking about it the next day, is described in an Alanon book called "Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage."I agree with Jazzman get that gun out of the house. Even if nothing is done on purpose, they are a dangerous thing just waiting to happen around instability plus just accidents period.
Keep your faith, and keep coming here, and go to a support group it will all help. You are NOT a failure. You are experiencing the feeling of shame, one of the many we tend to feel.
Welcome, glad you're here!
love Cloudy
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