groceries and enabling
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
groceries and enabling
My son moved out 
this past Sunday. He called today from work. The woman he's sharing the aprtment with doesn't have a phone so then no internet connection. I know he's going nuts. He used our phone card when he lived here and I renewed it every 2 weeks for 600 minutes. Plus, of course, he and the internet have been on a first name basis.
He called to tell me that the woman is OCD. A neat nick. He had cooked dinner for himself last night, cleaned up the kitchen (oh, to have been a witness to that bit of activity) and thought everything was fine until she came home from work and told him that her "special" stone she kept somewhere in the kitchen had been moved and that it had to be where she put it. And that went for all the other stuff in the apartment. When we helped him move, I thought that he would be at home because there was no order or organization in the place that I could see. You couldn't see the dining room table and her bedroom looked like a laundromat had exploded. Very similar to what I had tolerated when he was home. The only rooms that were semi neat and clean were the bathroom and kitchen.
It would have been nice if she'd told him she was OCD. She is also very untrusting of people and doesn't trust him yet. THAN WHY IN THE HELL DID SHE ASK HIM TO MOVE IN.
He said it was a little difficult to get used to. But I figure it might be a lesson for him to learn to organize himself. Trying to be positive here. I told him that he'd lived with other people and he said, "yeah, but I was a drunk then". Still trying to be encouraging and thinking, OMG, he wants to come back home I told him that if it didn't work out, I was sure there were other places that offered rooms for rent. That was really hard to say. Instinct would have me telling him he could come home, but I don't want him back here. He also said he wasn't sleeping well. Said he slept better at home.
The apartment complex consists of 80% elderly people. You're forbidden to talk to your neighbor in the hall. No loud music....he's a musician and when he's got his head together, practices and listens to music 6-10 hours daily. There's an unwritten law that the parking slot at the front door is left vacant for the oldest member of that particular complex. He was outside sitting on the deck and gave a hello to some people walking by and the woman sharing the apartment told him not to do that because it was too loud.
He went grocery shopping and spent $115.00. He was shocked because he had allowed himself $50.00/wk for food. I suggested he check his slip to make sure nothing was double scanned---seen that lots of times---and the items that claim are on sale, make sure the tags are under the product he was buying fit the description. You know how they put up a random tag for an item and in print small enough for only superman to see..."excludes......."
So, after all that, I have a question. Would it be considered enabling if I gave him some cash to help cover his groceries.
this past Sunday. He called today from work. The woman he's sharing the aprtment with doesn't have a phone so then no internet connection. I know he's going nuts. He used our phone card when he lived here and I renewed it every 2 weeks for 600 minutes. Plus, of course, he and the internet have been on a first name basis. He called to tell me that the woman is OCD. A neat nick. He had cooked dinner for himself last night, cleaned up the kitchen (oh, to have been a witness to that bit of activity) and thought everything was fine until she came home from work and told him that her "special" stone she kept somewhere in the kitchen had been moved and that it had to be where she put it. And that went for all the other stuff in the apartment. When we helped him move, I thought that he would be at home because there was no order or organization in the place that I could see. You couldn't see the dining room table and her bedroom looked like a laundromat had exploded. Very similar to what I had tolerated when he was home. The only rooms that were semi neat and clean were the bathroom and kitchen.
It would have been nice if she'd told him she was OCD. She is also very untrusting of people and doesn't trust him yet. THAN WHY IN THE HELL DID SHE ASK HIM TO MOVE IN.
He said it was a little difficult to get used to. But I figure it might be a lesson for him to learn to organize himself. Trying to be positive here. I told him that he'd lived with other people and he said, "yeah, but I was a drunk then". Still trying to be encouraging and thinking, OMG, he wants to come back home I told him that if it didn't work out, I was sure there were other places that offered rooms for rent. That was really hard to say. Instinct would have me telling him he could come home, but I don't want him back here. He also said he wasn't sleeping well. Said he slept better at home.
The apartment complex consists of 80% elderly people. You're forbidden to talk to your neighbor in the hall. No loud music....he's a musician and when he's got his head together, practices and listens to music 6-10 hours daily. There's an unwritten law that the parking slot at the front door is left vacant for the oldest member of that particular complex. He was outside sitting on the deck and gave a hello to some people walking by and the woman sharing the apartment told him not to do that because it was too loud.
He went grocery shopping and spent $115.00. He was shocked because he had allowed himself $50.00/wk for food. I suggested he check his slip to make sure nothing was double scanned---seen that lots of times---and the items that claim are on sale, make sure the tags are under the product he was buying fit the description. You know how they put up a random tag for an item and in print small enough for only superman to see..."excludes......."
So, after all that, I have a question. Would it be considered enabling if I gave him some cash to help cover his groceries.
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
From my experince being on the flip side.
I use to tell my mother that I didn't have money for bill, food and stuff.
And of course my mother would trip if she visited my apt.
No food , semi mess and the whole nine yard.
Sometime she'll go buy grocery and clean my apt even.
There at the end she even paided my rent for a couple of months.
Mmmm I was 22 making around 50k.
I had thousands...but in my addiction that was allocated for drugs
or the crazy life styl.
My mother beg me on her knees in tears to stop after bailing me out of jail.
"why can't you just stop..why don't you care"
After bailing me out jail again for the second time in less than a month.
She broke down in tears. I can only imagine her heartache.
She told me that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore
and tolded me I was no longer her son or that she dis-owned me.
It never stopped me from using !
I use to tell my mother that I didn't have money for bill, food and stuff.
And of course my mother would trip if she visited my apt.
No food , semi mess and the whole nine yard.
Sometime she'll go buy grocery and clean my apt even.
There at the end she even paided my rent for a couple of months.
Mmmm I was 22 making around 50k.
I had thousands...but in my addiction that was allocated for drugs
or the crazy life styl.
My mother beg me on her knees in tears to stop after bailing me out of jail.
"why can't you just stop..why don't you care"
After bailing me out jail again for the second time in less than a month.
She broke down in tears. I can only imagine her heartache.
She told me that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore
and tolded me I was no longer her son or that she dis-owned me.
It never stopped me from using !
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Kathy,
Just my opinion...part of growing up is learning how to handle these things correct??
My parents kicked me out at 21 and changed the locks..All without an instruction manual..(now I don't necessarily agree with how they did it or why (all about trying to control me)..but I had to learn to survive with no one's help..
Just my opinion...part of growing up is learning how to handle these things correct??
My parents kicked me out at 21 and changed the locks..All without an instruction manual..(now I don't necessarily agree with how they did it or why (all about trying to control me)..but I had to learn to survive with no one's help..
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
That's one of the reasons I love this site. When I get myself into a rut and find it impossible to look at something from a different perspective, there's always someone here to point me in the right direction.
You're all right. He made the decision and moved within 1 week. He didn't think any of this through. A very irrational decision.
I hope that the day will come when he will make $50k/year. He only makes $12,000. And still needs 12 credits to get his degree, but school won't let him back in until he pays off one of his debts and that $13,000.00.
As to cleaning for him...I learned that one early on. Hell would freeze over before I would life a finger to clean for him.
Thanks for the advice.
Blessings
You're all right. He made the decision and moved within 1 week. He didn't think any of this through. A very irrational decision.
I hope that the day will come when he will make $50k/year. He only makes $12,000. And still needs 12 credits to get his degree, but school won't let him back in until he pays off one of his debts and that $13,000.00.
As to cleaning for him...I learned that one early on. Hell would freeze over before I would life a finger to clean for him.
Thanks for the advice.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Would it be considered enabling if I gave him some cash to help cover his groceries.
but you know what..?
I'll save my hardlines for the big stuff...
yeah..
I give her a basket of stuff around every other week...
toilet paper...
feminine stuff..
can of coffee/cream...
as long as I can do it with no expectations...
and as long as she doesn't expect me to do it...
then it makes me feel good... and am entitled to do this... cause I'm her mom.. ;o)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
as long as I can do it with no expectations...
and as long as she doesn't expect me to do it...
then it makes me feel good... and am entitled to do this... cause I'm her mom.. ;o)
and as long as she doesn't expect me to do it...
then it makes me feel good... and am entitled to do this... cause I'm her mom.. ;o)
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I have never given my alcoholic step son cash. I have gotten grocery store gift certificates that state no alcohol or cigaretes and given him those. You never know where cash will be spent. Just my opinion!! Take Care, Kerry
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
I was going to suggest what most of the other people have said. If you give stuff to make you feel better it's alright. My mom does this for my brother quite often. She buys him little grocery items, just the cheap stuff nothing fancy, every once in a while. She never gives him cash though because he'd spend it on something else or come home with nothing but junk food. Big boxes of rice, potatoes, and frozen veggies are good. They last a long time and you can eat them with just about anything. She makes and brings him a lunch every once in a while...oh and me too whether I need one or not. lol
Toiletries, laundry or cleaning supplies are nice too. They add up so much on the bill! As long as he doesn't expect the stuff I don't think it hurts.
You can be sneaky about it too. My parents are big wholesale nuts so they'll have multiples of everything. Easy to say, "Oh look we have extra, why don't you take one?" Make it look casual.
Toiletries, laundry or cleaning supplies are nice too. They add up so much on the bill! As long as he doesn't expect the stuff I don't think it hurts.
You can be sneaky about it too. My parents are big wholesale nuts so they'll have multiples of everything. Easy to say, "Oh look we have extra, why don't you take one?" Make it look casual.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I agree with everyone....did he ask for money to cover the extra cost of groceries....or are you thinking of offering before asked?
I think if he didnt ask, then maybe no offering is needed at this time. Maybe he was just irritated with the sich in general and wanted to vent.
Even if he did ask, Kathy I am in agreement with all here. And $50.00/ week for groceries should be enough for one guy I would think (minus random items that you buy once a month).
:shysmile:
I think if he didnt ask, then maybe no offering is needed at this time. Maybe he was just irritated with the sich in general and wanted to vent.
Even if he did ask, Kathy I am in agreement with all here. And $50.00/ week for groceries should be enough for one guy I would think (minus random items that you buy once a month).
:shysmile:
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
When he moved out, I made up a couple of bags of the "extras" I had here. It included frozen marinara, chicken, pasta, coffee and he didn't want to take it. He seemed offended that I made up the "goodie bags". I insisted he take them.
Thinking a little more about it, he had next to nothing so it's no wonder his bill was that high. Detergent and fabric softener will put you back almost $10.00. It will probably be a bit lower next time.
He didn't ask for anything when he told me about what he spent. And I don't think he would ask...I may be totally wrong. He's a big eater since he quit drinking. Practically bottomless. I never said a thing to him about helping.
After running this through my head for the last hour, I've come to the following conclusions...I want him to be able to make his rent. I'm not worried about him starving to death. And...if he makes his rent, I don't have to worry that he'll want to move back home. Make sense?
Thinking a little more about it, he had next to nothing so it's no wonder his bill was that high. Detergent and fabric softener will put you back almost $10.00. It will probably be a bit lower next time.
He didn't ask for anything when he told me about what he spent. And I don't think he would ask...I may be totally wrong. He's a big eater since he quit drinking. Practically bottomless. I never said a thing to him about helping.
After running this through my head for the last hour, I've come to the following conclusions...I want him to be able to make his rent. I'm not worried about him starving to death. And...if he makes his rent, I don't have to worry that he'll want to move back home. Make sense?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hey Kathy!!
Here's another point of view.... I remember when I first lived on my own. I had NO CLUE what groceries really cost! The first few trips to the store I bought all sorts of pre-packaged and wasteful stuff. After a while, I learned how to make my minimal budget actually work. I learned how to make a big pot of goulash, and package it up so that I would have lunch for 2-3 more days! It took time, and lots of practice, and I never would have learned it had my parents helped me out!
I do agree with some who've mentioned the idea of buying him the "small" things (deodorant, toothbrush, etc). He may not realize now how much that's saving him, but you know it will help him out alot!
Take care... and I'm sure no matter what you decide, all things will work themselves out!
Shannon
Here's another point of view.... I remember when I first lived on my own. I had NO CLUE what groceries really cost! The first few trips to the store I bought all sorts of pre-packaged and wasteful stuff. After a while, I learned how to make my minimal budget actually work. I learned how to make a big pot of goulash, and package it up so that I would have lunch for 2-3 more days! It took time, and lots of practice, and I never would have learned it had my parents helped me out!
I do agree with some who've mentioned the idea of buying him the "small" things (deodorant, toothbrush, etc). He may not realize now how much that's saving him, but you know it will help him out alot!
Take care... and I'm sure no matter what you decide, all things will work themselves out!
Shannon
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Oh yeah, I know how those things like laundry soap and softener will put a huge dent in the bill. I see how it that can happen. Its good that hes eating so much and getting healthier. I think you are handling it well!!
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
We talked about him coming to eat once or twice a week. And it wouldn't be hard to make too much. Leftovers never made it to the next day when he lived here.
The idea of soap, shampoo and the hefty priced stuff is a good idea. Thanks.
The idea of soap, shampoo and the hefty priced stuff is a good idea. Thanks.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Tip......
You can order Wash Balls from QVC.
3 in a box...each does 60 loads of laundry. About $20.
No softener needed. Can be used in cold water.
They work great on regular things....probably not on greasy mechanics clothes.
I have used them for years,,,given them to my college gramdchildren.
3 in a box...each does 60 loads of laundry. About $20.
No softener needed. Can be used in cold water.
They work great on regular things....probably not on greasy mechanics clothes.
I have used them for years,,,given them to my college gramdchildren.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
My grandfather used to help me out once I had to leave home. I am the type that would not eat if I didn't have food in front of me (grocery stores cause anxiety so I'd just smoke my hunger away...and cartons of cigs don't go bad like food does...)
My grandfather would simply buy the food for me. that way he knew I was eating healthy and he knew where the money was going.
The funny thing was how shocked he was when he first realized how much I would actually eat when the food was in front of me!
My grandfather would simply buy the food for me. that way he knew I was eating healthy and he knew where the money was going.
The funny thing was how shocked he was when he first realized how much I would actually eat when the food was in front of me!
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