Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
Scared
Hello. This is tough, but I am the wife of an A. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and married for a little over a year. I knew he was an A, but he was sober so I had no concept of the harsh reality of a lapse. Had a great and healthy relationship. We got married and within a month, everthing fell apart. He didn't talk to me, told me that he never loved me and lapsed. Moved out a few times, stayed out, didn't care about his job and health. Drank every day. I guess he hit rock bottom 2 months ago and has been going to meetings. He has almost finished his 90 in 90. Although he is sober, the damage is terrible and we trying to pick up the pieces. Our marriage has been hit hard and it is hard to bear. I feel like I have been blindsighted for the last year and don't know what to do. He is so confused and I don't know what to do. Tried going to Al-Anon, but didn't feel like I fit in. Is there any hope? Will it ever be the same?
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Yes.
There is hope. Get back to al anon. Go to different meetings, where you feel comfortable. Listen for things you identify with instead of things you dont relate to. If you love an alcoholic, it is essential to learn about the disease, seek support and love from those of us in the same situation. This is what works for me.
Its there for you, you must, tho, be willing to reach out and get it.
You and he can rebuild, but you both must work hard for it. It can happen, it does happen.
Keep the faith.
There is hope. Get back to al anon. Go to different meetings, where you feel comfortable. Listen for things you identify with instead of things you dont relate to. If you love an alcoholic, it is essential to learn about the disease, seek support and love from those of us in the same situation. This is what works for me.
Its there for you, you must, tho, be willing to reach out and get it.
You and he can rebuild, but you both must work hard for it. It can happen, it does happen.
Keep the faith.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
I appreciate your response. I know that I need to reach out to Al-Anon, but how do you believe what your spouse is telling you. I didn't expect him to lapse and now I assume that he might think about drinking all the time. With the drinking, came so many lies. How do you trust your spouse?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
Jane,
go to alanon... and they will help you help yourself. They will give you the support and the tools necessary to build a brighter tomorrow.. whether it is with your h or not. The tools of alanon are as sharp as the person who uses them. If you let them work hard for you, they will work hard within you, if you allow them to rust and decay.. you will find a lot of your outlook will do the same.
Welcome to the boards and remember.. one day at a time.. one step at a time.. and you have a fellowship of millions who have found peace and serenity within these steps.
quietsins
go to alanon... and they will help you help yourself. They will give you the support and the tools necessary to build a brighter tomorrow.. whether it is with your h or not. The tools of alanon are as sharp as the person who uses them. If you let them work hard for you, they will work hard within you, if you allow them to rust and decay.. you will find a lot of your outlook will do the same.
Welcome to the boards and remember.. one day at a time.. one step at a time.. and you have a fellowship of millions who have found peace and serenity within these steps.
quietsins
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Hey Jane!
Welcome!!!
Pull up a chair and stay awhile! Read through the stickies at the top of the forum.... read some of the past posts that catch your interest. Feel free to post/vent/question whatever here. SR is open 24/7.
Like quiet said... we all learn one day, one step at a time...
Check out the book "Co-dependent No More"... Read some of the other boards too...
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it...
But you can change yourself... focus on you, work to become the person you want to be... and be nice to you! You deserve it!
Welcome!!!
Pull up a chair and stay awhile! Read through the stickies at the top of the forum.... read some of the past posts that catch your interest. Feel free to post/vent/question whatever here. SR is open 24/7.
Like quiet said... we all learn one day, one step at a time...
Check out the book "Co-dependent No More"... Read some of the other boards too...
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it...
But you can change yourself... focus on you, work to become the person you want to be... and be nice to you! You deserve it!
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Originally Posted by a27jane
How do you trust your spouse?
Hugs and welcome!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.
JT said it... if you pick all the fruit off the tree its gone... you have to take care of the tree and wait for it to grow back... For me that is what regaining trust is like. I have seen many happy relationships where one or the other is an A.... but Im sure they have to work at it.
I agree with the rest, get the tools and support you need to learn to live with an A... unfortunally there is not total cure for the disease, so even if they are not drinking they are still an A. Al-anon is working well for me, I have also had ALOT of personal theraphy and read a ton of books. Take the focus off the A, he has his own program to work, and put it on you hon.... Take good care of you!
I hope you come back and post, read and we can get to know you
JT said it... if you pick all the fruit off the tree its gone... you have to take care of the tree and wait for it to grow back... For me that is what regaining trust is like. I have seen many happy relationships where one or the other is an A.... but Im sure they have to work at it.
I agree with the rest, get the tools and support you need to learn to live with an A... unfortunally there is not total cure for the disease, so even if they are not drinking they are still an A. Al-anon is working well for me, I have also had ALOT of personal theraphy and read a ton of books. Take the focus off the A, he has his own program to work, and put it on you hon.... Take good care of you!
I hope you come back and post, read and we can get to know you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
Thank you for the support. Any advice for what I should be doing during his 90 in 90. When H went back to the meetings, he was going 10-12 times a week. I was happy that he was going. But he still didn't talk to me and we never spoke about the marriage. I asked him a few times to go to therapy and he said that he wasn't ready to do that. Am I supposed to wait around? I finally asked him again and he left saying that he wanted a divorce. Was I wrong to ask him to work on the marriage at the same time he was working on the program?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Well... this is a hard one for me cuz it hits home.
Honestly all I could suggest is getting into a program, Ala-non, theraphy whatever .... Ala-non would be my choice because its in a group and you will meet alot of people in your situation. You will need ALL the support you can get.
They tell the A not to make any major changes in your life for the first year... they say the same thing to us who are recovering as well..
I can tell you what I know from hindsight. My A went to AA and after about 30 days he told me that he did not love me, and we split up 2 weeks before Christmas. Looking back on it from this point of view... I would have to say that it was a "footprint" moment. God was doing for me what "WE" could not do for ourselves.
This is different then how I use to feel. I honestly dont think I was healthy for his recovery... too much anger, mistrust, demands ...etc.. you name it, I was there. By the time we had gotten to that point there were many affairs, breakups, and I was at my wits end... I was not a happy camper.
He was drinking when I met him... I dont know who the real person is ... without the drinking or without the "dry drunk" stage. What I believe is that we were toxic to each other and for his recovery and for my recovery ... well lets say it would have taken ALOT of work to make it for both of us. Now that I have been away from him, it has been almost a year break (one relaspe on my part) and I have some step work under my belt... well to be quite honest, I would not want to go back to that relationship, he is not and will not ever be compatiable with me... I did not really know who he was ... I only saw what I thought/wanted him to be.
I hope that helps, I would just suggest letting things alone for now and getting the focus back on you. Not the marriage but on recovery and let him get some time under his belt in recovery before working on anything else.
Remember to take what you like and leave the rest... keep coming back!
Honestly all I could suggest is getting into a program, Ala-non, theraphy whatever .... Ala-non would be my choice because its in a group and you will meet alot of people in your situation. You will need ALL the support you can get.
They tell the A not to make any major changes in your life for the first year... they say the same thing to us who are recovering as well..
I can tell you what I know from hindsight. My A went to AA and after about 30 days he told me that he did not love me, and we split up 2 weeks before Christmas. Looking back on it from this point of view... I would have to say that it was a "footprint" moment. God was doing for me what "WE" could not do for ourselves.
This is different then how I use to feel. I honestly dont think I was healthy for his recovery... too much anger, mistrust, demands ...etc.. you name it, I was there. By the time we had gotten to that point there were many affairs, breakups, and I was at my wits end... I was not a happy camper.
He was drinking when I met him... I dont know who the real person is ... without the drinking or without the "dry drunk" stage. What I believe is that we were toxic to each other and for his recovery and for my recovery ... well lets say it would have taken ALOT of work to make it for both of us. Now that I have been away from him, it has been almost a year break (one relaspe on my part) and I have some step work under my belt... well to be quite honest, I would not want to go back to that relationship, he is not and will not ever be compatiable with me... I did not really know who he was ... I only saw what I thought/wanted him to be.
I hope that helps, I would just suggest letting things alone for now and getting the focus back on you. Not the marriage but on recovery and let him get some time under his belt in recovery before working on anything else.
Remember to take what you like and leave the rest... keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
Your wisdom and words are very helpful. I have thought about your response for many hours. I am trying to give him time to recover, but I feel that we should be working on it together. We worked on all of our problems for 5 years. We never split up and never dreamt of it. All of a sudden, we get married and a few months later, he is drinking and doesn't want any part of the marriage. I just can't forget how great things used to be. I don't know if we will be able to reconcile. Like you said, there is a lot of mistrust and demands to work on the marriage and that is what probably made him move out. But I am so angry. I have stuck around for almost a year, dealing with his drinking and everything that comes up a relapse. It has been the worst experience and I dealt with it and still stuck by him. Now that he is back in the program, and I just want to be appreciated and loved again. Am I being selfish - maybe, but just as he is healing by going to meetings, WE as husband and wife also need to heal and I can't do that by myself. Many of the threads have recommended Al-Anon, but I feel out of place. When I go to these meetings, I am surrounded by spouses that have remained with their loves ones. I commend them and wish that I had their strength, but is my future going to mirror the stories of living a life with relapses. I am amazed by their love and patience, but I am being stupid by sticking around.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
a27jane,
I'm one of the ones that stuck around Alanon after my exbf and I broke up..I had 3 months in the program when that happened and now I'm at 15 months (and dating a wonderful man that's not an alcoholic)..
Alanon is a great program..keep going..You don't have to make any decisions today...Alanon taught me to work through my emotions before making any major decisions..
You'll know when/if you need to leave..
The only thing you will lose by going to Alanon is a few hours of your life..Try a few different meetings until you find one you are comfortable with..
Although I'm not dating an alcoholic, my life has been greatly affected by alcoholism (friends, family etc.) Alanon has given me tools to live life on life's terms..
Turn the focus back and you and your life..leave your husband's recovery to him..
I'm one of the ones that stuck around Alanon after my exbf and I broke up..I had 3 months in the program when that happened and now I'm at 15 months (and dating a wonderful man that's not an alcoholic)..
Alanon is a great program..keep going..You don't have to make any decisions today...Alanon taught me to work through my emotions before making any major decisions..
You'll know when/if you need to leave..
The only thing you will lose by going to Alanon is a few hours of your life..Try a few different meetings until you find one you are comfortable with..
Although I'm not dating an alcoholic, my life has been greatly affected by alcoholism (friends, family etc.) Alanon has given me tools to live life on life's terms..
Turn the focus back and you and your life..leave your husband's recovery to him..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ahhh hon.... dont use the word stupid when talking about anyone that has or does live with an Alocholic... I think anyone who has is about as brave as it get... scarry place to be.
My personal thought on this is I agree that the marriage has to be worked on... BUT
You cant put the pieces back together till the individual pieces are whole. He needs to work on his issues and you need to work on yours... I dont believe that two people are 1/2 and come together to make a whole. I think they need to be whole and come together to make a life.
I hated Al-anon when I first went, and was frustrated because "I" was not the one with the problem.... I know its uncomfortable, but give it a try... say 6 meetings and see if you cant find some peace there.
My personal thought on this is I agree that the marriage has to be worked on... BUT
You cant put the pieces back together till the individual pieces are whole. He needs to work on his issues and you need to work on yours... I dont believe that two people are 1/2 and come together to make a whole. I think they need to be whole and come together to make a life.
I hated Al-anon when I first went, and was frustrated because "I" was not the one with the problem.... I know its uncomfortable, but give it a try... say 6 meetings and see if you cant find some peace there.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
Sorry you have had to go through this. I would recommend you go to some marital counseling. Go to a good counselor that specializes in addictions. You need to talk about things and how you are affected, etc. Try some different Alanon groups, you might not have found one you like.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 16
Meli2005 - thanks for your advice on finding a group.
Cynay - I didn't want my "stupid" comment to be construed so that it applied to others. I was only speaking about myself and my situation. As I had stated, I commend and admire the courage of those that can and do, but I don't know if I possess that strength. I have always believed that my marriage vows were forever, but the last year makes me think twice. I am so scared of the constant thoughts of whether it will happen again and scared that we might have children and they might have to deal with a relapse. It is very scary and in a way has crushed the ideas and possibly fantasies that I had when I thought I was marrying my H. At this time, H has moved out and is thinking about whether he wants to remain married to me. It hurts because I always thought he was a committed person and hurts because I feel like I am "owed" something. I am walking on eggshells but I guess I also need to determine whether I want this for me. I never imagined that I would go through this, but reading some of the other comments on this website provides me with some comfort that I am not alone and there may be hope. Thanks to all for sharing and I welcome any advice.
Cynay - I didn't want my "stupid" comment to be construed so that it applied to others. I was only speaking about myself and my situation. As I had stated, I commend and admire the courage of those that can and do, but I don't know if I possess that strength. I have always believed that my marriage vows were forever, but the last year makes me think twice. I am so scared of the constant thoughts of whether it will happen again and scared that we might have children and they might have to deal with a relapse. It is very scary and in a way has crushed the ideas and possibly fantasies that I had when I thought I was marrying my H. At this time, H has moved out and is thinking about whether he wants to remain married to me. It hurts because I always thought he was a committed person and hurts because I feel like I am "owed" something. I am walking on eggshells but I guess I also need to determine whether I want this for me. I never imagined that I would go through this, but reading some of the other comments on this website provides me with some comfort that I am not alone and there may be hope. Thanks to all for sharing and I welcome any advice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
What your not seeing is that you are courageous... your doing and have been doing it... that does not mean you have to do it forever.... If you choose to leave that does not make you have done any less... give yourself some credit sweetie.
Im not offended and have felt stupid many many times...
If it were me I would take the time now that he has moved out and really think about what you want in life. I know it hurts, mostly the ego, that he made this decision to take time out... God knows that was one of my biggest issues. How dare he put me thought all he did and then decide he did not want me!... for me that issue was huge, but what I did not realize is... I was thinking more about him and not enough about me...
I never in a million years thought that I would have lived the life I have... it amazes me all the time... but you know what Im figuring out is that life is what is happening while Im making other plans, being the control freak I am about my security, God has found MANY ways to teach me to "let go and let God".
Please just take the focus off him and put it on you... Maybe this is the biggest blessing you could have been given. It certainly was for me.
Im not offended and have felt stupid many many times...
If it were me I would take the time now that he has moved out and really think about what you want in life. I know it hurts, mostly the ego, that he made this decision to take time out... God knows that was one of my biggest issues. How dare he put me thought all he did and then decide he did not want me!... for me that issue was huge, but what I did not realize is... I was thinking more about him and not enough about me...
I never in a million years thought that I would have lived the life I have... it amazes me all the time... but you know what Im figuring out is that life is what is happening while Im making other plans, being the control freak I am about my security, God has found MANY ways to teach me to "let go and let God".
Please just take the focus off him and put it on you... Maybe this is the biggest blessing you could have been given. It certainly was for me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
