New here / Need some input

Old 10-31-2005, 11:55 AM
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New here / Need some input

Hi all, I'd like to get some input on my situation. I feel that my wife has a drinking problem but she refuses to stop drinking. She says she doesn't have a physical addiction to alcohol, just a mental one.

My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for the past 2. We are both in our 40's. Back when we first met I began to realize she had a drinking problem. We both drink. I consider myself a social drinker. I enjoy drinking with my friends and I have no problem with alcohol. I can have a few beers, catch a little buzz and have a good time. My wife on the other hand can not stop drinking once she starts. Once she has her first beer she will drink until the last beer is gone. She gets so drunk sometimes she can barely walk, and most of the time she becomes very angry and verbally abusive toward me. I've learned to just not pay attention to her when she gets like this, you can't reason with a drunk. She normally drinks every other weekend, when my daughter is not here with us and sometimes she will drink on the week nights.

A few years ago she went over to a friend’s house and ending up getting loaded. She drove home and pulled into the wrong driveway, when she backed out of the driveway she hit a parked car and didn't even know she had done this. A neighbor saw the accident and called the Police. When they came to the house my wife was passed out in bed, I was asleep as well. I had no idea why the cops were there. They took me out to the driveway and showed me the damage on my wife’s car, then the damage on the car she hit. She was arrested and got off with leaving the scene of an accident and paid a $1000.00 fine. I really wish she had got an OUI and had to do Jail time that may have opened her eyes. After that she quit drinking for about 40 days. Then right back into the pattern of every other week end.

We will have people over to the house and there will be drinking but she has no control and always gets loaded. She ends up spending the entire next day in bed. One night I audio taped her and let her hear the way she yells at me when she is loaded, she got pissed off that I did that.

She keeps saying that if she only drinks 6 beers and then stops she will be ok but she rarely stops at 6 beers.

About 4 months ago she was starting to drink on week nights again. When she drinks she sits at the computer and posts on her favorite message board until all hours of the night. She also blasts music through the PC which keeps me awake. The last time she did this I came downstairs at 3:00am and explained to her I had to be up in a couple hours to go to work and asked if she would turn the music off, she refused so I went down to the basement and disconnected the internet connection coming into the house and went back to bed. Now that she had no PC she decided to come upstairs and scream at me, the usual stuff, calling me a loser and telling me I'm no good and lousy in bed and all that crap. So I got out of bed and went into the guest bedroom. 10 minutes later she enters the guest bedroom and continued on with the insults. I got up and gently moved her out of the room and told her to go to bed. I again explained that I needed to get some sleep; it was now around 4:00am. She started pounding on the door and was trying to open it, I was holding it shut. Finally I let go of the door and she lost her balance and fell hurting her arm. She lay on the floor screaming and crying, exclaiming "why did you do that to me" I guess it was all my fault. I poured a bottle of water on her head and left the house. The next day it was like nothing ever happened. I told her what had happened the night before; she was ashamed and sorry and again quit drinking for about a month.

Two weeks ago she again got loaded there was no name calling this time, things were pretty peaceful. We went to bed and I awoke to the sound of her banging into the bedroom closet. She was trying to make her way downstairs to the bathroom. The next thing I heard was her toppling down over the stairs. She fell, fortunatelty she only got a small bump on her back. The next day I pretended I never heard her fall. She told me she had fallen down the stair and blamed the stairs for being to steep.

These are just a few of the stories, I have many more. I am getting sick of this ******** and I've considered just kicking her the hell out of my life. The hard part is, I love her and when she's not drinking she is the nicest person in the world.

So what will it take for her to stop drinking completely? I've told her I'll be glad to not drink if she will quit, but she won't. Something bad will happen, she will stop for 30 or 40 days then its back at it again. Unfortunately it's looking like something real bad is going to have to happen for her to see the light.

What do you think?

Thanks
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Old 10-31-2005, 12:04 PM
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Hi Joe,
You said you have many more stories, and unfortunately, most of us do also. They have different faces, and slightly different scenarios, but they are very similar. Welcome to SR. I still don't know exactly what I'm doing in my relationship, but I have a few good lines I've picked up here along the way. I'm sure someone will share with you the three Cs -- you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I hope I got that right. Again, I'm still learning all of this stuff, so I'll let someone with more knowledge take it from here. Just wanted to say hello and welcome!
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Old 10-31-2005, 12:32 PM
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So what will it take for her to stop drinking completely?
It will take HER deciding that she's had enough with the drinking antics. That's it. Nothing you say or do will get her to "see the light." Nothing. Period. She has to learn this on her own.

And you in turn, need to learn how to take care of you, and how to keep yourself detached from her behaviors, choices, etc.

I would suggest sticking around here. Read up on the stickies, and all the stories people have to share. Alcholism is a family disease that makes the WHOLE family sick, not just the alcoholic. We, the family, are here b/c we too have gotten sick from living with all the behaviors that you have described. Give Al-anon a try as well, it may not be the answer for everyone, but it certainly has helped enough to prove that it does work.

-Shannon
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Old 10-31-2005, 12:37 PM
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Hi Joe,

Welcome to SR. First off, I just want you to know that we all love our alcoholics in one way or another. But we can't let that love make us as sick as they are. It's their disease. All we can do is take care of ourselves. Please consider attending alanon meetings. There's loads of free literature you can get and I'm sure they also have books and readings.

Like TG said, you can't do a thing about it. Nothing...shameful, isn't it. We can get the diabetic their insulin, but we can help the alcoholic in our lives.

Lots of us have stayed with our husbands, wives or special other. Some have gone into rehab and are recovering. Others leave because they can't stand the insanity.

At times such as now for you, you have to use your head and go with your gut. What you do to regain your sanity and get healthy through recovery doesn't make you love them any less.
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Old 11-01-2005, 03:58 AM
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Thanks all for your responses and making me feel welcome. This coming weekend is the weekend I do not have my daughter so it will most likely be a drunk one for my wife. The usual friday when my daughter is not here with us goes like this: She will call me from work around 4:45pm and say she is going to go and have one drink with her co-workers, and I will tell her it's not a good idea, and i will again remind her not to drive drunk. She will say don't worry I'll just have one drink and I'll be home by 7:00pm. Then she will call me again around 9:00 or 10:00pm, she will be sluring her words and she will tell me she is on her way home. Then she'll come home with a 12 pack and the nightmare continues.

I do find some comfort knowing I can come here and share with other people who are in the same boat as I am.

I've looked into Al-anon in the past. I went to one meeting. I do not mean to offend anyone but most of the people there were children of alcoholic parents and I didn't really feel like I fit in to that group.

Thanks again.
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Old 11-01-2005, 04:31 AM
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Joe...you can always find another group, but that may have been what they were talking about at that one meeting. Speaking for myself, I have married two alcoholics and raised one, I need to know what there is about me that allowed me to tolerate what I have tolerated. If I don't I will continue to do the same things over and over.

There is a book I would like you to read. It's "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and it does an excellent job of describing life with an alcoholic and what it causes us to become. Not only are they not unique...we are not unique either.

Hugs and welcome!
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Old 11-01-2005, 04:40 AM
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Welcome to SR Joe. Your story is very similar to mine. Sorry to hear about your wife’s drinking problem and I know how it can wear a person down. Unfortunately there is very little, if anything you can do to change your wife. All we can do is work on ourselves through reading, learning about the effects of alcoholism/addiction on family members and ourselves. Get support for yourself and Daughter.. Any other children in the house? Is your Daughter from a pervious marriage? I have to admit that I have attended very few Al-anaon meetings but that didn't prevent me from getting an education and support. This board and a Therapist w/ a Masters in Addiction helped me a great deal.
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Old 11-01-2005, 04:41 AM
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and I will tell her it's not a good idea, and i will again remind her not to drive drunk.
Time to change how you think and what you say. When she calls, say "okay" and drop it. You already see the insanity and routine you go through every other week. It's a ritual.

Then find the yellow pages and look for other alanon meetings. They discuss different topics each week. I'm chairing a meeting tomorrow and I'll be talking about detachment. Last weeks meeting was about change.

If you don't like one place, go to another. Don't give up.
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Old 11-01-2005, 04:58 AM
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Welcome Joe,can relate to your post.The only way and the best way i was able to be helpful to my Hub,was to go get recovery for myself.i sure needed this.I thought he was to blame for all our issues.Thought that the things he did and said,were deliberate,on purpose.I asked,i begged,i pulled out all the,negitive tools that i could think of,to make him change,and to see what he was doing to all of us family members.Trying to get him to want to get help.Nothing that i said or did ever changed him.He changed,when he was ready to,and when he wanted to...Looking back im glad i didnt, wait for him to get help.But went long before him,to get help.And in getting help myself,and working in my own recovery changed,me.And in changing me,our realtionship changed,even without him doing anything.Because i changed.
Read all that you can about alcoholism.This will give you insights into this disease.Al-aon is for the family and friends of alcoholics.Those who are at,these meetings,doesnt matter who they are,what they wear.Its what they are sharring.Look for the similarities,not the differences.They to have walked this walk that you are on.And they can share,their experience,strenght,and hope,through working in the 12 steps of program.The meetings are also the fellowship,knowing that you are no longer all alone.Recovery is in applying the 12 steps to ones life.
keep on,keeping on,
God Bless,and take care!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-01-2005, 05:49 AM
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Hi Joe, Welcome to SR !!!! I am glad you found us. I can add much, just read as much as you can. Once you get some titles go to the local library they can order them from other librarys. Keep coming here, try another meeting. Just know you are not alone in this, we are here for you. With love, Kerry
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Old 11-01-2005, 08:14 AM
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Hi Joe, Welcome to SR and Friends and Family.
By now you can see that you are not alone.
We all have been affected by the disease of alcholism.
I too had a SO that drank.
John didn't drink every other weekend, he drank daily.
On weekends he drank all day long til he passed out,
then started again when he woke up.
There is no such thing as ONE drink to an alcoholic.
Please find another Alanon group to attend or perhaps
give the one you went to another chance. Keep in mind
Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Sounds cliche but is reality.
Keep coming back and take care of you! (((Joe)))
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Old 11-01-2005, 11:16 AM
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Welcome to SR Joe.

We are glad you found us. Got to love the insanity of living with an A. I dont have an a in my life currently, but in one form or another I have had one in my life since I was a small child.

You will find it amazing how similiar the stories, actions, attitudes and patterns of an A are... I do sugguest finding another meeting, but if there is not another one... know that even if they are parents of A's, Children of A's or whatnot... the A in all that does not change so much. Gives you a clue what to expect..

I hope you stick around and keep sharing... Yep your not alone at all.
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Old 11-01-2005, 12:11 PM
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hi joe i know your story all to well but remeber one thing you have to learn to take care of yourself iattend the online alanon meetings they are easier for me . my husband of 8 yrs has only been sober for 3 months and he is spending the next 3 months in jail for dui but with faith and my higher power i will survive it this i know for i have survived a lot worse.remember to you didnt cause this problem for your wife and you cant solve it for her either only she can stay strong and keep coming back it helps
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Old 11-01-2005, 04:27 PM
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Hi Joe,

Welcome to SR and please keep posting!

I know exactly what you're writing about from both sides. I had a abf years ago that would get drunk, like your wife, and wanna fight all night long. Would yell in my face and fall all over the place. I called the police on him so many times that they knew us by our first names. He was an absolute jerk. In one of his yelling tirades in the middle of the night, he was screaming at me in my face and reached over and bit me on my cheek.

He went to jail that night and domestic violence classes and alcohol classes. Didn't do him any good....he kept on and I left....quickly.

But, then again, I'm a RA and I know that most of the time, I didn't fight with others, I usually cried alot. It took seeing myself on a video tape after a few drinks at my daughter's 13th bday party with 25 of her school friends around for me to finally sober up. It was disgusting to watch and broke my heart for my daughter.....and myself. Cuz, I was better than that. I had let myself get really low.

That was 11 yrs ago and I cannot stand the smell of alcohol whatsoever. Don't do drugs, don't even smoke cigarettes anymore. I gave it all up and my faith helped me alot there and still does. I am so much healthier and happier.

I'd suggest not having friends over and drinking with her. It would help if you didn't drink in front of her, either. That just invites her to join ya. If she drinks alone......she'll BE alone and that's a start. Go to al anon, read books on A's and their behavior and take care of yourself and your daughter. She may not hit rock bottom. If that's the case.....you can expect to live your life out the same why it is now, IF you choose to stay.

It's hard, I know you love her, but if you knew that you had only a few days left to live (God forbid....just a "what if?")....would you wanna live it out hearing her yell and fall down? It's your life, too.

Let's pray that she does hit rock bottom and comes back up. But, it may take for you to set your limits/boundaries with her before she does that.

Good luck

((hugs))
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Old 11-03-2005, 02:38 PM
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Well Joe, your description of your wife was also a description of ME to a tee before I finally surrendered over 3 years ago. I did the exact same things to my live-in boyfriend. Same Nasty behaviors! I drank every day - blacked out practically every day - and fortunately didn't have a car accident which is a mystery that only my higher power knows why. She is very unhappy with herself and the only way she is going to face the music is when she hits her own personal bottom.

My boyfriend would react in the same way you described. He would go to another room or just leave the house altogether when I was ranting and raving and crying and blaming and all that nasty stuff. Then I was alone!! Just like Girlfriend advised, set your limits and boundaries and stick to them.

I am a totally different person today. Like Girlfriend, I don't drink, smoke, do any drugs and before coming into the AA program, I didn't even have the smallest concept of what God was all about. It's amazing how AA has helped me find the path for the peaceful and happy life and to discover my spirituality. I pray that your wife finds that same path. Unfortunately, she's Lost wandering aimlessly on the wrong one.
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