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I Still Have Hard Times To Cope With

Old 12-11-2002, 07:48 PM
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AngelBYday
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Lightbulb I Still Have Hard Times To Cope With



I LIVED WITH AN ALCOHOLIC FOR 3 YEARS. I LOVED HIM VERY MUCH. I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME AS WELL. I TRIED TO HELP THIS MAN EVERY DAY, TO ADMIT THAT HE HAD A PROBLEM AND TO HELP ME TO HELP HIM GET THE HELP THAT HE NEEDED. IT IS SO HARD WHEN YOUR IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO YOU LOVE WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART AND SOUL THAT HAS THIS AWFUL DISEASE. I COULDNT TELL YOU HOW MANY PEOPLE TOLD ME TO JUST GET OUT. LEAVE HIM AND START A NEW LIFE. MOVING ON WASNT SOMETHING I HAD IN MYSELF TO DO AT THAT TIME. I LOVED HIM WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY HEART. WE HAD A BIT OF AN AGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US BUT I NEVER LOOKED AT THAT AS AN INTERFERENCE. SOME PEOPLE DID. BUT IT WASNT THE AGE THAT MATTERED IT WAS WHAT I FELT ABOUT HIM AND WHAT I THOUGHT HE FELT ABOUT ME. HE IS 45 YRS OLD AND I AM 28. WE HAD A BABY TOGETHER IN THE YEAR 2001. NOT A DAY WENT BY THAT THIS MAN DIDNT DRINK. HE WAS ALWAYS DRUNK. AND TO BE HONEST I DONT THINK HE EVER EVEN HAD THE TIME TO GET SOBER, BECAUSE BY THE END OF HIS WORK DAY HE HEADED TO THE BARS. HE HAD HIMSELF A QUAINT LITTLE SPOT THAT HE LIVED IN DAY IN AND DAY OUT. I KNEW THAT BAR ROOM PHONE NUMBER BY HEART AND IT WAS SET AT MY OWN FINGER TIPS LIKE SPEED DIAL. IF I NEEDED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT SOMETHING I HAD TO CALL HIM AT THE BAR. IT WAS SO HURTFUL TO ME. I FELT LIKE I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG TO DESERVE WHAT I WENT THROUGH. I THOUGHT THAT GOD WAS PUNISHING ME FOR SOMETHING I DID OR MAYBE JUST BECAUSE HE DIDNT LIKE ME MUCH. I CRIED ALL THE TIME. NEVER AROUND ANYONE AND MOST OF THE TIME EVEN IF I HAD TO PRETEND THAT I WAS HAPPY I REALLY WASNT. I WAS DYING INSIDE. AND I WAS DYING JUST WATCHING HIM KILL HIMSELF. MY EX BOYFRIEND AND LOVER IS JUST ABOUT AT THE LAST STAGE OF ALCOHOLISM. HE STILL IS AN ALCOHOLIC. ON NOVEMBER 9TH 2001, HE CAME HOME DRUNK FROM THE BAR ROOM IN A BAD MOOD, AND BROKE THE BEDROOM DOOR DOWN AND THROUGH ME INTO A WALL. HE ALMOST KILLED OUR DAUGHTER WHO WAS 4 MONTHS OLD AT THE TIME. HE BROKE ALL THE PHONES IN THE HOUSE AND ENTRAPPED ME FOR OVER 3 HOURS. BLOOD WAS EVERY WHERE AND I WAS PASSING OUT. AND HE WATCHED ME AS I CRAWLED TO HIS BATH ROOM AND VOMITED ALL OVER MYSELF. I WAS BEGGING HIM TO CALL FOR HELP. I TRIED SO HARD TO ESCAPE WITH MY DAUGHTER. I FOUGHT LIKE YOU WOULDNT BELIEVE. I DIDNT LET HIM HURT HER. AND HE DIDNT THINK OF HURTING HER. HE JUST KNEW HE WAS GOING TO HURT ME. AS I WAS STARTING TO FALL ASLEEP, FROM THE PAIN, BEGGING HOPELESSLY FOR HELP FROM ANYONE AT THAT TIME, SOMETHING CAME OVER ME TELLING ME I WOULD BE OK. JUST GET UP AND ACT AS THOUGH I WAS OK AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE OK. AND I DID. I PRETENDED EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OK ONCE AGAIN. AND I BLAMED IT ALL ON ME SO HE WOULD THINK I WAS SERIOUS ENOUGH FOR HIM TO PASS OUT. THIS IS A MAN WHO SAT THERE AND WHILE I WAS PASSING OUT, BLEEDING EVERYWHERE, AND THE TOP OF MY EAR WAS RIPPED OFF FROM THE BLOW TO MY HEAD, AND THE HEMATOMA BEHIND MY EAR WAS ALSO SPLIT OPEN AND BLEEDING EVERYWHERE, WAS TELLING ME I ASKED FOR IT. HE SAID I MADE HIM SO MAD THAT HE HAD TO DO THIS TO MAKE SURE I KNEW HE WAS THE BOSS. AND AFTER HE SAID ALL THAT HE STARTED TO CRY AND LOOKED AT ME AND MADE ME LOOK AT HIM, AND SAID I WOULD HAVE ME ARRESTED TOO. WHAT I DID WAS WRONG AND IM SO SORRY AND I DO LOVE YOU. ALL I COULD REMEMBER WAS SAYING " IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL LOVE ? " AFTER HE FINALLY PASSED OUT, I FIXED A PHONE A HID BEHIND THE COUCH IN THE LIVING ROOM WITH MY DAUGHTER NEXT TO ME. I CALLED FOR HELP. AND WENT TO THE HOSPITAL. HE WAS ARRESTED, AND WENT TO JAIL FOR 2 WEEKS AND WAS RELEASED ON $7500 BAIL. HE WAS SET FREE WITH ALL CHARGES ON A PROMISE BASIS THAT HE WOULD STAY SOBER FOR 6 MONTHS. IN MARCH WE TRIED TO MAKE THINGS WORK HE WAS SEEKING COUSELING, AND HE PROMISED ME THAT HE COULD DO IT FOR HIMSELF. I LOVED THIS MAN AND I STILL DO. HE MOVED AWAY IN APRIL AND IN MAY, HE TOLD ME THAT HE WAS LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE. HE IS BACK INTO HIS DRINKING. AND ALL THESE MONTHS HAVE PASSED. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE AND I KNOW IN MY HEART IT WILL NEVER BE OVER. NOT WITH HIM ANYWAYS. I HAVE A 18 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER WITH HIM. BUT I HAVE BROUGHT MYSELF A LONG WAY AND I AM EVEN ATTENDING COLLEGE NOW. I AM IN THE CHEMICAL DEPENANCY COUSELING PROGRAM. I ALSO ATTENDED A ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS MEETING. I TOLD THEM SOME OF MY HORROR STORIES WITH MY EX AND THEY WERE ALL CRYING. I TOLD THEM WHAT IT IS LIKE FOR THE ONES WHO LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEM AND DEAL WITH ALL OF IT WHEN THEY ARE DRUNK. AFTER I WAS DONE I FELT SO GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. I GOT TO OPEN UP. IT WAS SUCH A RELIEF. I HAVE REALIZED THOUGH, AN ALCOHOLIC CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF THEM SELVES AT ALL.THEY NEED SOMEONE AROUND TO HELP THEM BE CARED FOR AND HELP WITH THEIR ADL'S. AND TO BE A SEX PARTNER FOR SOME. MINE FOR INSTANCE!! ANYWAYS, ONCE THEY GET THE HELP THEY NEED, TO BECOME SOBER, THEY DONT WANT THE ONES THAT WERE THEIR ALL THE TIME TO HELP THEM STAY SOBER AND MAKE UP EXCUSES FOR THEM. THEY WANT TO MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE. THEY USE US AS AN EXCUSE AS TO WHY THEY WERE ALWAYS DRUNK. THEY THINK THAT WE WILL ALWAYS WANT TO HELP THEM, BY PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER AFTER A GOOD NIGHT OF DRINKING. ONCE THEY SOBER UP, THEY FEAR THE UNKNOWN AND THAT IS PEOPLE LIKE US. THE ONES WHO STOOD BY AND WATCHED THEM DAY IN AND DAY OUT DRINK THEIR LIVES AWAY. THEY FEAR THAT IF THEY STAY WITH US WE WILL PUSH THEM FOR MORE. BUT THAT IS OK. ONCE THEY GET THE HELP THEY NEED WE NEED TO SEEK HELP ALSO. THEY SAY THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON AND I WILL GO ON BELIEVEING THAT. AND I TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY THAT I AM TO GOOD TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM. HE DIDNT AND STILL DOESNT DESERVE TO HAVE SOMEONE IN HIS LIFE LIKE ME. WE ALL HAVE TO MOVE PAST IT IN OUR OWN WAY AND THIS IS MY WAY OF MOVING ON. I AM GETTING STRONGER AND I LOVE SCHOOL. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO HELP SOMEONE WHO DOES NEED ME.TAKE CARE AND DTAY STRONG, BECAUSE IT DOES GET BETTER!
 
Old 12-11-2002, 08:18 PM
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Glad you are here. There are so many good people here who understand these kinds of situations and are wonderful at supporting, caring, educating, and sometimes just being there when you need them. Some great laughs too.
There's alot of good information in al-anon, nar-anon and women in recovery. Take a look and see.
Welcome.

live
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Old 12-11-2002, 09:46 PM
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Welcome to the recovery forum, Angel.

I'm glad you are seeking help for yourself. I hope that includes finding an alanon group to attend. Perhaps people reading your story will see that their own safety must be considered ahead of any "helping" for the substance abuser. Congratulations on finding the ways to get on with your life.

Keep posting!
Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 12-12-2002, 12:42 AM
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Morning Glory
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Welcome to the forum Angel.

I'm glad you found your way out of the abuse.

I'm sorry you went through so much.

Take a break from caretaking and take care of yourself and your daughter now.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 12-12-2002, 05:13 AM
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Angel

Angel,

I am sorry to hear about your past life; but that's just what it is - your past.....Your future for you and your baby is the most important thing right now, and you seem to be doing well. Good luck to you and your daughter and God Bless you both.

sinnat
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Old 12-12-2002, 02:31 PM
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Ann
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Angel

I just want to welcome you too, and say that I pray your life ahead will be wonderful and joyous, just what you deserve.

It takes courage to change, but change we must or we will only get sicker and sicker. And we are worth the effort to get well!!!

I pray for blessing for you and your daughter.
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