Daughter sexually assaulted
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I am not sure there is anything I can say to make you feel better.
I can tell you that I was raped when I was 17, a virgin, and I was incredibly intoxicated at the time of the attack. Fraternity party my first week away at college.
If she was blacked out due to intoxication, in many states that puts her in the category of an incapacitated person. Thats at least 3rd degree sexual assault, if not 1st or second, depending on other things.
By just being there for her to talk if she wants to, that is helping her. I would also encourage her to get into counseling, although it may not seem to help her until later on. I didnt deal with it for a long time, and I am still dealing with it.
Just being there to listen and hug her is the best thing you can do for her right now.
((Robina))
I can tell you that I was raped when I was 17, a virgin, and I was incredibly intoxicated at the time of the attack. Fraternity party my first week away at college.
If she was blacked out due to intoxication, in many states that puts her in the category of an incapacitated person. Thats at least 3rd degree sexual assault, if not 1st or second, depending on other things.
By just being there for her to talk if she wants to, that is helping her. I would also encourage her to get into counseling, although it may not seem to help her until later on. I didnt deal with it for a long time, and I am still dealing with it.
Just being there to listen and hug her is the best thing you can do for her right now.
((Robina))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
Hugs to you and your daughter. What a terrible thing to happen. I hope she take the advice and goes for some help. I had a similar situation happen years ago that I still hate talking about. I wish I had gone to councelling for it a long time ago because it still bothers me to this day. It took me a long time to understand that I didn't do anything wrong and that it wasn't my fault. I feel so bad for her. I'm very sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
Please let your daughter know that it was NOT her fault. Just because she was intoxicated and in blackout - that gives nobody the right to do what he did to her. It is a crime.
Prayers to you both to find strength during this time.
Prayers to you both to find strength during this time.
Laughter Helps Me
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Twilight Zone
Posts: 9
I was raped when I was 19 and I never received any counseling and everyone left me to deal with it on my own, in my head, because that was what I thought I wanted at the time. I am now 50 and realize how much that destroyed my faith in men and probably played a big part in getting into the wrong kind of relationships. I spent the last 5 years crying about it. After all those years it all of a sudden popped into my very being and I crashed! At my age! After 30 years had passed! Please get her some help, talk about it, when you finally can (OF COURSE, right now you need to deal with your own emotions in this nasty deal....just as any loving mother would!) and don't stop talking about it if she brings it up next year or 5 years or whenever! SHE DID NOT DESERVE THIS NO MATTER WHAT!!
I will be praying for both of you.
I will be praying for both of you.
How Important Is It?
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by LilyMay
SHE DID NOT DESERVE THIS NO MATTER WHAT!!
Originally Posted by brdlvr2
Just because she was intoxicated and in blackout - that gives nobody the right to do what he did to her. It is a crime.
Thank you for this.
Robin
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Sometimes this world is such an ugly place. Thank God your daughter has you to lean on. I would encourage her to seek counciling to help her get through this terrible ordeal, and I encourage you to do the same.
Sending much love and prayers your way.
Jill
Sending much love and prayers your way.
Jill
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Robin,
I'm so sorry...
Please, please tell me she went to the hospital and had a rape kit done.
Get your daughter and yourself to the local rape crisis center. They will walk you through every step from counseling to court (if it comes to that). They will help the healing begin and reinforce the fact that this was NOT her fault.
Love and Hugs,
Paula
I'm so sorry...
Please, please tell me she went to the hospital and had a rape kit done.
Get your daughter and yourself to the local rape crisis center. They will walk you through every step from counseling to court (if it comes to that). They will help the healing begin and reinforce the fact that this was NOT her fault.
Love and Hugs,
Paula
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Jasper, GA
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by Jewgirl952
Please don't take this harshly, but it may help you.
Use this horrible rape to demonstrate to her what horrible things happen to alcoholic women.
... she will focus on his bad and not hers.
You have to hold her responsible as an adult who is a raging alcoholic who in a blackout got raped.
Let her know that you expected, yes, expected this to happen...
Please, I know what I'm talking about!
You have to get her to take responsibility for this rape, for it would not have happened had she not been in her disease. You should drill this into her head...
...don't try to punish the guy, because that will be enabling to her...
...which she hardly remembers since she was in a blackout.
Address the disease, not one of the side effects.
You are right that the disease should be addressed. It's good you are right about that...it's the only thing in the entire post you got right.
BubbaBob
Reikihelps
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: PA
Posts: 221
Still praying for you and your daughter Robin. Isn't it terrible that your daughter has to deal not only with the trauma of the rape but also the stigma of people misunderstanding the crime. She will blame herself plenty, alcoholic or not. I pray that she recognizes her worth and does not buy into the "it's her fault for putting herself in harm's way" mentality. I hope God gives you strength and compassion to support and love her through this ordeal.
love,
Reikihelps
love,
Reikihelps
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Oh My God, I somehow missed this thread....
I am so sorry for what has happened to your daughter...
My prayers are with you both and hopefully that awful
sick individual will be caught and dealt with.... (((Robin)))
As for Jewgirl.....how out of place your response was.....
You are so off base with your thinking...god help you and anyone in your path...
I am so sorry for what has happened to your daughter...
My prayers are with you both and hopefully that awful
sick individual will be caught and dealt with.... (((Robin)))
As for Jewgirl.....how out of place your response was.....
You are so off base with your thinking...god help you and anyone in your path...
It's a Puggle!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the road to sanity
Posts: 235
Thanks Bubba for having the guts to come right out and say that.
Why anyone would think under ANY circumstances that someone is at fault for being raped is beyond me. No means no. And if someone happens to be unable to respond, then yep, that too is a loud and resounding NO.
Why anyone would think under ANY circumstances that someone is at fault for being raped is beyond me. No means no. And if someone happens to be unable to respond, then yep, that too is a loud and resounding NO.
Laughter Helps Me
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Twilight Zone
Posts: 9
Robina.
You and your daughter have been on my mind through out the day.
I hope and pray you are both able to find peace soon. Gosh my heart just aches for you both.
You know, I didn't say in my post above, but the night I was raped, although I was not an alcoholic, I was drunk. Out of the blue, my best friend in the world, my Daddy, had just died of a brain aneurysm and also I was just a foolish teenager that went to a bar and drank as many teens my age did. Back then it was legal for 18 yr. olds to drink. In this small town we all went to the bars on the weekend. Well, because I was in that condition, dancing and being friendly, 3 guys that I knew so well in this small town, came to my house. (I had even babysat for one and my own Dad had even saved one of them from a house fire!) I let them in. It soon became a night of horror. I felt like the biggest piece of trash for a long time because of it. Even though I screamed, I yelled stop, I screamed NO, I cried and I begged them to leave. I still thought it was my fault for some time. After all... I LET THEM INTO MY HOUSE! I GOT DRUNK AT A BAR! These guys were married, with young children and attended the Catholic Church here every Sunday with their families.
I kept it all inside because I guess I figured no one would believe me or they would think that I asked for it. I use to listen to Tori Amos' song about being raped all the time. Gosh her thoughts are so true for any of us victims. I even went to see her in concert and she sang this with no music and it was unbelievable....amazing...I will never forget that night...listening to her. I cried through the whole thing!
Tori's... ME AND A GUN http://www.hereinmyhead.com/collect/earth/le11.html
Just because some don't have a gun doesn't mean you don't feel threatened nor can most woman fight off the strength these rapist have.
Not only did I have to deal with losing my Dad, I now had the crap they did to me to deal with.
Although I have a small-sized body and always have, I use to have huge breast, but that night one of them said, "I always wanted to get my hands on these." It tore me up inside for a long time. I could never get that comment out of my head and became very self conscience about my breast. Then I had a breast reduction ....down to almost nothing! (Duh! Now I wish I had at least some of that back! LOL)
I just pray you both get help, especially your precious daughter. Rape can mess a gal up in some many ways mentally.
So anyway, your whole situation is on my mind so much and my heart just breaks for your daughter. I wish I knew how to help you both. I feel like all I can do is tell you what I went through and hope that it helps you in some way. I know reading and hearing about others in this situation, in some weird way, helped me.
God bless you
You and your daughter have been on my mind through out the day.
I hope and pray you are both able to find peace soon. Gosh my heart just aches for you both.
You know, I didn't say in my post above, but the night I was raped, although I was not an alcoholic, I was drunk. Out of the blue, my best friend in the world, my Daddy, had just died of a brain aneurysm and also I was just a foolish teenager that went to a bar and drank as many teens my age did. Back then it was legal for 18 yr. olds to drink. In this small town we all went to the bars on the weekend. Well, because I was in that condition, dancing and being friendly, 3 guys that I knew so well in this small town, came to my house. (I had even babysat for one and my own Dad had even saved one of them from a house fire!) I let them in. It soon became a night of horror. I felt like the biggest piece of trash for a long time because of it. Even though I screamed, I yelled stop, I screamed NO, I cried and I begged them to leave. I still thought it was my fault for some time. After all... I LET THEM INTO MY HOUSE! I GOT DRUNK AT A BAR! These guys were married, with young children and attended the Catholic Church here every Sunday with their families.
I kept it all inside because I guess I figured no one would believe me or they would think that I asked for it. I use to listen to Tori Amos' song about being raped all the time. Gosh her thoughts are so true for any of us victims. I even went to see her in concert and she sang this with no music and it was unbelievable....amazing...I will never forget that night...listening to her. I cried through the whole thing!Tori's... ME AND A GUN http://www.hereinmyhead.com/collect/earth/le11.html
Just because some don't have a gun doesn't mean you don't feel threatened nor can most woman fight off the strength these rapist have.
Not only did I have to deal with losing my Dad, I now had the crap they did to me to deal with.
Although I have a small-sized body and always have, I use to have huge breast, but that night one of them said, "I always wanted to get my hands on these." It tore me up inside for a long time. I could never get that comment out of my head and became very self conscience about my breast. Then I had a breast reduction ....down to almost nothing! (Duh! Now I wish I had at least some of that back! LOL)
I just pray you both get help, especially your precious daughter. Rape can mess a gal up in some many ways mentally.
So anyway, your whole situation is on my mind so much and my heart just breaks for your daughter. I wish I knew how to help you both. I feel like all I can do is tell you what I went through and hope that it helps you in some way. I know reading and hearing about others in this situation, in some weird way, helped me.
God bless you
Laughter Helps Me
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Twilight Zone
Posts: 9
Please read what Tori has written at her site I posted above. Her feelings are so true. Especially when she says it "left me paralyzed for years"
and "I really do feel as though I was psychologically mutilated that night and that now I'm trying to put the pieces back together again"
and then.... "The anger came"
and best of all:
" Although when I go in and sing it every night, there's a certain energy I bring to make it very real and then after the performance is over I can go and have an ice cream and have a life and say, 'this is over. I can talk about it and I have love in my life.' And it's really important to get to that stage."
okay....I need to leave this to rest or else I could make this a never-ending thread!
Please know that my best wishes and prayers go out to you! And I will not stop praying for peace in your heart and your daughter's heart.
and "I really do feel as though I was psychologically mutilated that night and that now I'm trying to put the pieces back together again"
and then.... "The anger came"
and best of all:
" Although when I go in and sing it every night, there's a certain energy I bring to make it very real and then after the performance is over I can go and have an ice cream and have a life and say, 'this is over. I can talk about it and I have love in my life.' And it's really important to get to that stage."
okay....I need to leave this to rest or else I could make this a never-ending thread!
Please know that my best wishes and prayers go out to you! And I will not stop praying for peace in your heart and your daughter's heart.
Laughter Helps Me
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Twilight Zone
Posts: 9
OMG! How did I miss your response! You BIG sweetie BubbaBob!!!
What a wonderful, supportive post!!
Thank God for you!
What a wonderful, supportive post!!
Thank God for you!
Originally Posted by BubbaBob
Telling someone, in effect, that her daughter's rape was her daughter's fault may help? Where in the hell do you get that?
Brought it on herself because she was alcoholic, right? NOT.
I see you don't subscribe to the "sick people trying to get well, not bad people trying be better" thing. Too bad that almost EVERY psychologist says you are wrong.
Since when is one responsible for getting raped, drunk or sober? That is pure unadulterated BS.
I sure hope you aren't a parent of a daughter...NO parent should ever, under ANY circumstances, EXPECT their daughter to be raped.
The hell you do.
Again with the "she's responsible for getting raped" BS. I suppose you also think a girl wearing a short skirt is "just asking for it"...right?
Rapist shouldn't be punished?
Yeah, yeah, yeah...she's just a drunk so it doesn't matter, right?
I wouldn't exactly call rape a "side effect".
You are right that the disease should be addressed. It's good you are right about that...it's the only thing in the entire post you got right.
BubbaBob
Brought it on herself because she was alcoholic, right? NOT.
I see you don't subscribe to the "sick people trying to get well, not bad people trying be better" thing. Too bad that almost EVERY psychologist says you are wrong.
Since when is one responsible for getting raped, drunk or sober? That is pure unadulterated BS.
I sure hope you aren't a parent of a daughter...NO parent should ever, under ANY circumstances, EXPECT their daughter to be raped.
The hell you do.
Again with the "she's responsible for getting raped" BS. I suppose you also think a girl wearing a short skirt is "just asking for it"...right?
Rapist shouldn't be punished?
Yeah, yeah, yeah...she's just a drunk so it doesn't matter, right?
I wouldn't exactly call rape a "side effect".
You are right that the disease should be addressed. It's good you are right about that...it's the only thing in the entire post you got right.
BubbaBob
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
BubbaBob. Words well spoken and expressed. I missed that post and glad I did. Thanks for telling it like it is. Robina nor her daughter deserve any of what happened. Blessings to you sir.
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