Hangin' In

Hey Guys and Gals,

Just so I'll know.....

If....that is, IF I come back after Christmas and tell ya'll it was a total disaster taking my daughter, just how many of you will say,

"I TOLD YOU SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

Just trying to be ready, JUST in case....

Kittycat

Hangin..............
We all make so much of this one day...like our life depends on the happiness we get or give at this time of year. I can bet this girl is going to ruin the holiday if you take her. She probably will really upset the Grandparents and all that come near her. My A is just a bit further in treatment and an adult ...but we are not going to spend any of the two days together...he has ruined them in the past. But that really does not matter...I know you are wanting a really good day for you and your family.. As a Mom,and as a spouse who has gone to the meetings and seen kids like yours while with my A. I would either stay home...tell your parents you are really sick if you can't fess up to it...or go without her. Those kids are tough...I have seen them...I can only imagine what you are dealing with.
Good luck Hangin.........
Love Kitty

Ann

Hangin

"Godmother" won't be saying "I told you so" LOL. It's great to get lots of input, but in the end we have to do what feels right for us - and there is nothing wrong with that.

And if it goes wrong, we just take our lesson with gratitude and move one to the next right thing.

I really hope that this all turns out wonderful for you and your family.

JT

Do a search...and enter "I told you so". I bet you won't find one! That is not what we are about.

Listen and learn...do what you think is best...if you end up with fruitcake in your hair chalk it up to a lesson learned! And then try not to repeat it.

Does she get her hair from you?

Hugs,
JT

Hangin' In

Thanks Anns & and JT for your input.

This probably sounds crazy (coming from me, we are pretty much assured there is a strong possibility of it being crazy... ), but since learning of my daughter's problem, I now question ever decision I make regarding her. Sitting through lots of family sessions while she was in outpatient treatment, they asked me, "Do you feel like you have been a good mother?" I thought about it and said, "Yes" because overall, I think I have done what I was supposed to do. Heck, if you've been the 'cookie mom' for a big girl scout troop, SURELY you have been a good mother!!!

But in my co-dependent thinking that I allow to creep in from time to time, I question myself. Being sucked into this disease can make you think crazy things. I start to think, "Well heck, I did the BEST I could do and she still ended up an alcoholic!" Yes, Yes, I KNOW I can't cause, can't control, can't cure, but SURELY some mom out there understands what I'm saying. It's stupid and I know it's wrong, but sometimes the thinking of "Well, I THOUGHT I was doing what was right in the past, but look how it turned out. So now is THIS decision right or is THAT decision right?" Please someone say they have done this, too, and make me feel better here.

Now as for if she gets her hair from me, well.....of course she did. I went through the valley of the shadow of death to give birth to her, didn't I?...lol. Let's just say as a child I had lovely, curly locks. Now as a uh....well...er....a milddled aged woman, I have thinning hair that my HP naturally highlights for me. Isn't HE nice?... But being the control freak that us co-dependents are, I run right to my hair dresser and have her COVER UP my natural highlighting!!! Hey, what can I say? I'm a VAIN co-dependent...lol.

Thanks guys. I appreciate your input. I'm really starting to bond with ya'll. You think we could spend summer vacation together next year????

Live

My mom spends many a night wondering "Where did I go wrong, that my daughter is..........ummm, how shall I say this?........such a wierdo, has so many problems etc etc."

You all ready know She drives ME crazy too.

But, Nah, the wierdo part I get from me.

She wouldn't know how to be a wierdo even if she tried, I didn't learn it from her.

And I don't think she poisoned the cookies and milk. (did she?)

Laceejoe

I know you feel overwhelmed here, Hangin'----but I, among others I'm sure, understand where you are coming from. I, too, did the very best I could do----always thought I was a good role model for my daughters, but look what happened. I seldom EVER drank in my house when I was married or since my divorce, and the girls were never exposed to alcohol in the house (with very rare occasions on a holiday!!!) I didn't go out on the weekends---took my girls everywhere with me---spent quality time doing special little things with both my daughters---gave them a love of nature, etc. My oldest, who is the one in recovery now, inherited my appreciation of sunrises, sunsets, gentle rain, the smile of a little child----and many, many more wonderful things that are imbedded in my nature. She saw only genuine caring for others, rarely ever saw me angry----and saw me give, and give, and give of myself to others!! What happened, you may say??? Gosh, I'm still trying to figure that out!!! Hangin', I honestly don't know if I will ever know the answer to that----but, believe me, I spent MANY a night feeling such intense quilt----wondering what I did wrong, or what I could have done differently!! Truthfully, I had to change my attitude towards the whole thing---or I probably would have gone completely and literally BONKERS!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I still have tinges of that nasty "What could "I" have done differently----and those are the times when I fight with myself to get over feeling sorry for myself!! Not that I think YOU are doing that, Hangin'----I'm just speaking from my own experience. In my heart, I KNOW I was a good mother and a good role model----and over the years, I've had to try to let go of the guilt. It's NOT my fault that my oldest daughter is an alcoholic, and it's not my fault that my youngest stays with one instead of taking herself and my grandkids out of a nasty environment!! There comes a time when a person just HAS to let go, and let the "kids" however old or young they seem---to make their own choices and live with what they have chosen. Easy to do???----NO WAY!!!! But, for our peace of mind and the chance to live---a necessary one!! I know this doesn't give you the answers you need or want, Hangin'----but I did want you to know that others out here DO understand. We're just trying to help you through the darkness!!! Know we all love and care about you and your situation!! Take care----LACEEJOE

Madeline

Hi,

Hey you are still the Mom and she is the child.
She just has to go with you, thats all. What about
bringing the boyfriend, or is that not a good idea.
Especially since she has this problem with alcohol
she doesnot need to stay home. I would just pack
her stuff, tell her she is going, and if she makes
havoc, oh well, she will be grounded once she comes
home.

You have a great holiday, and hang in there.
Be blessed,
Madeline

Hangin' In

Thanks to all for your input. Update from my end:

My husband spoke to our daughter about the holidays. (He tends to handle her better than I do because he is the calmer of the two. Imagine that! ) Anyway, he told her our position on the holiday situation and she said, "OK." WHAT????? Yep, she said "OK" about going with us on the 3 day trip out of town for the family Christmas. Now husband said she didn't say OK enthusiastically, but she didn't give us any lip about it. MY, MY what a pleasant surprise!

We'll keep sending up our prayers that the holidays will be pleasant ones. She's not the type to cause a scene at a big family gathering. Oh, she'll pitch a fit in front of her dad, sister and I, but I think she respects her grandparents too much to do it around them.

So thank you, Lord, for every little blessing, every big blessing and evert sign of progress with this alcoholism thing. My daughter has 46 days sober tomorrow and I'm SO GRATEFUL for every minute of those days!

Laceejoe

Hangin'---I'm sending my love and prayers to you and your family for this holiday season. I was so happy for you to hear that your daughter agreed to go along to the family get-together. You deserve a calm, peaceful Christmas, and my prayers will be with you and yours. Please know that you have people here on the boards who will be thinking of you with love. God bless you!!!