His Name is Richard, and He is an Alcoholic
 

I received a call from my ex-boyfriend's boss on Monday. She said that his roommate found him unresponsive in his bedroom with an empty half-gallon of burbon next to the bed on Sunday night, so he called for an ambulance. When the paramedics arrived, he was in the middle of a seizure. The paramedics said that had he been found an hour later, it would have been too late.

When I arrvied at the hospital, I found him in intensive care in critical condition, and he's been placed on a respirator, since he can no longer breath on his own. His mouth has been propped open with a plastic device and he has an enormous tube inserted into his throat and a tangle of tubes coming out of both his arms.

His fingers, hands, and arms are swollen, and his neck and face are bloated, too. If I didn't know it was him laying there, I wouldn't recognize him. His stomach is distended and hard to the touch. His arms are tied to the bed. He is unconscious, unable to breath on his own, unable to speak, and unable to move.

He is suffering from congestive heart failure, uncontrolled diabetes, pneumonia, a failing liver, and failing kidneys. And on top of that he's going through alcohol withdrawal.

I called his name. I held his hand. I kissed his cheek. His boss said that if he were to wake up and see my face that it would a dream come true for him. But he didn't wake up. He didn't even know I was there.

I knew he was in the final stages of his disease when I asked him to leave seven months ago. I couldn't bear to watch him self-destruct any longer, and I didn't want my daughter to witness it, either. I was hoping that I'd lose track of him and that his boss would lose track of him, too, so I'd never know his fate and I could be spared the pain of losing him all over again. Because I still love him.

But things don't always go according to plan, and here I am about to lose the only man I've ever loved. And here I am feeling guilty for giving up on him and not staying with him to the end. And here I am feeling terrible that perhaps he thought nobody cared about him, when the reality of the situation is that I care about him so very much.

I'm going to visit him again tomorrow afternoon. I just spoke to the nurse, and there's been no change in his condition. So perhaps he'll never hear me say "I love you" one last time. But I have to try. I want to kiss him on his cheek. I want to run my fingers through his hair. I want to whisper in his ear, "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you," so that he knows without a doubt that he is loved.

I remember a post that Equus shared. She said that it's important to remember that there's a person behind the disease, and it struck me that when we refer to our alcoholic loved ones on this forum as our "A's," that we do them a great disservice. We dehumanize them. We define them simply as alcoholics, as if that's all they have to offer the world.

But they are people much like ourselves, only they've chosen a different path than we have. They have hopes and dreams. They are capable of loving and being loved, and I know that the world is a better place with them in it.

So today, as my boyfriend's life draws to an end, I'd like to start a new beginning. And the first thing I'm going to do is to never refer to my boyfriend as an "A" again.

His name is Richard, and he is an alcoholic.

I am so sorry to hear about Richard...at this moment I have tears in my eyes...


I understand some of the guilt and the feelings you are having at this moment..I felt the same one when my brother committed suicide and again when I broke up with Curt (my exboyfriend)..I didn't want to leave..and I still love him very much although I'm in a new relationship..I just didn't know how to stay and keep my sanity...

I'll be praying for Richard..

That was hard to write, hard to read, and will never be forgotten.
I'm sorry for you.

I'm sorry for Richard.

FD - i am so sorry for you and Richard. my husband went downhill fast the past year and i too felt guilty about my feelings of looking into separating from him. my worst nightmare came true when i came home to find him slumped over in the hot tub (a fear that i had since the day he purchased it). i do know the feelings that you are going through at this time. at times i still feel like there should have been SOMETHING i could have done. thank you for your poignant post and may he find peace.

my heart goes out to you...and to Richard... and to all of us suffering the effects of this horrible disease. you shall be in my prayers.

quietsins
(carol)

Oh, I am so sorry. I understand your pain on some level as I almost lost my sister to the disease. The way you described Richard,is the way my sister looked on her last trip to ICU.She had about a 10% chance of living. She lived...and is now sober for 6 months. Her name is Nancy. My name is Trish and I am an alcoholic also. I want to tell you, you have done everything you can. When I was drinking, no one could save me. If only love could...I am so sorry for Richard and I am so sorry for all the pain and sadness alcoholism causes.Prayers for you, and prayers for Richard.
Bless.

Let me tell you what happened to me at an open AA speaker meeting one time. A young man gave an eloquent talk that included how his parents threw him out and he was left to fend for himself living in his car. It broke my heart because I had just sent my own son packing. All I could think of was how unloved my son must feel and that was unthinkable.

After he spoke I went up and talked to him and asked him if he knew how much his mother loved him and he said he did. He knew...and so does Richard somewhere deep inside.

Richard and those like him are why I go to great lengths not to dehumanize alcoholics...we love them after all.

((((((Hugs))))))

FD

Im soooo sorry that your hurting, and Im sorry that this has happened to Richard. Know that you both will be in my prayers.

Please remember to take care of you and Im pretty sure he knows you love him.

Darn dust in my eyes...
My prayers for Richard, and for you. (...)
And thank you for putting a human face on the ugliest mask I know too well... alcoholism.

(((FD))) (((Richard)))

There is so much I want to say, but I just don't have the words.

What a terrible, terrible tragedy. My heart breaks for you having to witness the final moments of Richard's ordeal. You are right ... we do a disservice to the alcoholics in our lives when we relegate them to being no more than "my A." My name is Marti and my husband is an alcoholic. His name is Chuck.

FD.. I am so sorry this is happening. I am sure he knew you were there, and he felt your love.
Love and Hugs to you both.

i think lots of us tried to follow the anonimity thing by not mentioning our husband's, wive's, SO's names. i do feel like FD tho - i'll join the roll call...

my name is christie and my deceased alcoholic husband's name is harry.

Thank you everyone, for your love and support. I means a great deal to me. I'll be signing off now and I won't be back on the forum until Monday since my home computer is not working.

I'll give you an update on Monday.

Jill

I read your post through tears streaming down my face..

Just today, I thought about my ex, I thought have I exhausted myself in terms of helping him through his addiction. Then I remembered theres nothing I can do. I think it's because I've been having awful nightmares of finding him much like you found Richard.

I'm sorry for the pain you are in right now. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and to Richard.

(((((((((FD)))))))))

(((Fd))) (((Richard))) Words not enough to express my feelings.

FD...I'm so sorry.
Love and light to you and Richard.
Blessings on both of you.

(((((((((((fd & richard))))))))))))))

Kathy, wife of Bill and mother of Bill, Jr. The alcoholics in my life.

(((((((FD&Richard)))))))))))
His name is Philip, my fiance.

I'm sorry, and no matter what, he knows you love him with all your heart.