Overwhelmed living with an addict

Old 10-28-2005, 08:47 AM
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Unhappy Overwhelmed living with an addict

I don't seem to sign on often but today am feeling completely overwhelmed. I have been with my partner for over 14 years - we are not married and have no children and yet despite his lack of interest in recovery I have chosen so far to stay with this man.

I can say I love him which I believe I do but then I ask myself "Why?" - I haven't been treated in a loving way in a long time. I still seem to hold onto the hope that one day he will miracously choose me over the bottle. I have gone to 12-step meeting for years and yet at some level I know I believed if it came down to wire he would choose to save our life together.

Well we are at the wire and it doesn't seem to be happening - I am overwhelmed at the thought of having to sell our home and to be without him. It is getting to the scary point were bills can't be paid and this week he "stole" from our joint account what was to pay our mortgage. He hasn't worked in over a year and has lived off of credit cards and our line of credit - spending insane amounts of money going out.

Now he is trying to convince me to take a cash advance off my credit card - which I refuse to do...but it feels like the unmanageability is mounting.

I am feeling very scared and alone.

"thanks for listening!"
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Old 10-28-2005, 08:54 AM
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Welcome back!

Yea ... its very scarry... but your not alone.

If your going to Al-anon then you knew on some level that this would happen if he did not recover, it gets progressively worse and it sounds like you have been keeping him afloat for along time... he does not have to recover cuz you are there for him.

BUT Im the worse about staying in something long after I should have gone... in fact I would probably still be with my ex-abf if he had not decided it was over when he did... I was pretty sick, not that Im All better now but Im better.

I thank God everyday now though that he removed me from that... it was Way scarry at first, but you can do it... and the peace of having control over my life ... at least not having to deal with someone soooo unbalanced... is truely amazing.

Keep coming back and posting ... your not alone
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Old 10-28-2005, 12:02 PM
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When are you going to get off this rollercoaster?
.....sorry for being so blunt today
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Old 10-28-2005, 03:02 PM
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The unmanagabilty is not mounting. It was never managable in the first place. What is mounting are the complications...the consequences of his actions. He is digging a hole and you are climbing in with him simply because you are either afraid or don't know how to stop this. You don't have to change addresses to stop this train wreck. You can protect what is left of your finances if you really want to.

Think about it this way. By supporting him you are buying his liquor. You might as well be driving to the liquor store yourself and stocking up. If you stop he will find another way...maybe work perhaps?
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Old 10-29-2005, 01:24 PM
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My husband has really messed up our finances as well with careless spending, poor judgement using credit and not contributing much at all to supporting his family. He use to be a much more functional alcoholic, however, now his idea of working is to drive to the bank to make a deposit from money he isn't earning from our business ... I am. He then works up a sweat by having to withdraw lots of cash and make endless exhausting trips to convenience stores ...then constantly complains how he never has any food to eat after spending hundreds of dollars every week on "gas"??? He constantly rages at me that 'he isn't drinking' - until I have come across bottles hidden in his car. He then insists he has no idea where the wine came from ?!?! but at least for a while he stops telling me he isn't drinking. It is also strange since he doesn't have any money for food, that he has gained weight. I tell him it must be from the "liquid" diet he is on and he acts like he has no idea what I am talking about. He spends more at assorted stores (he is a wine drinker) every week than I do to feed and care for 3 people. Since we are married, share a business, a home (though we do not live together) and children, trying to stop him from squandering our money is legally tough. I have little patience for money he robs from our children's well being and college funds, and that causes me to compensate by working long, long hours.

I know if I weren't married with children & sharing a mutual business (that makes divorce even more financially disasterous), I could not personally tolerate staying in this type of relationship. I would be compelled to give him the wonderful opportunity of living with the results of his own poor choices - such as running out of money and risk living in his car he couldn't afford gas for - it almost happened a few months ago and for awhile his careless spending and drinking really slowed down. We put most of our accounts online last year and he had surprise when I could suddenly track his spending ... and he didn't like it too much, but it was an eye opener for me and has really helped.

S.W.
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Old 10-29-2005, 07:14 PM
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I am sorry you are going through this. But it has come to the point where he is bringing both of you down to the point of total destruction. He has run up huge amts of debt and used money you needed to pay your bills, etc. He is not depenedable and if he continues this behaviour, you will only go downhill with him.


I know you love him, you probably love him without the alcohol, etc. Totally understand.
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Old 10-31-2005, 12:44 PM
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Thank you everyone for your feedback - I do need people to be blunt with me - it does help... It encourages me and forces me to look at the reality of the situation.
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Old 10-31-2005, 12:53 PM
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Hello Hope,

Ditto to all of the above. Especially to JT's statement...
You can protect what is left of your finances if you really want to. Think about it this way. By supporting him you are buying his liquor. You might as well be driving to the liquor store yourself and stocking up. If you stop he will find another way...maybe work perhaps?
Many of us have been in this same situation. At times, it gets twisted around to where they make us feel we just HAVE TO do what they want us to do. Then the guilt trips and blaming. You've been to meetings and have done the work. You know what needs to be done.

Try attending meetings with a different approach. Don't think about him and what you hope for him. Focus on yourself and what you want and need for yourself.

Blessings
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Old 10-31-2005, 01:01 PM
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Thank you Gelfing! You are so right - for so long - although I have continued working on ME I still somehow end up putting his needs first and doing what I think would be best for him or US but not often just for ME ....

It seems as he has always been the more "obviously" sick person in our household all the attention seems to focus on him - it isi still after all this time hard to know what I want or need - the fist thing I still think of is "I want him to get better"....

Ahh - I really need to focus on the Al-Anon program right now..
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Old 10-31-2005, 01:08 PM
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Hopeforme,

I had a particularly hard time not playing banker to my alcoholic.
Same story. He worked 8/52 weeks of the year, 6 weeks of which was because he was in a work release jail program, so if he didnt have a job, he got sent up to DOC.

Heres what I did.


Closed accounts he had access to
Stopped carrying cash
Paid off as much in credit card debt as I could
Used my credit cards for every day spending, bc if he took it and managed to use it (A couple times), the cc company had to reimburse me
Change all passwords to accounts
Keep all bills with account numbers and such at my office instead of home
Changed mailing address so bills wouldnt get to my house while I was at work
Didnt buy him cigarettes



I was not married to him, but can tell you one thing. There is not a person on this earth tht I will let take my money, steal from me, And sit on my couch while I work to pay my bills. No thanks. I would have children if I wanted to take care of someone.
It had come dangerously close to that point.

When you get to the point where he will have to support his own habit...maybe he will get a job. When tyhe consequences of his actions, bc HIS CONSEQUENCES, his chance for recovery is greater.

I read online today that 90% of active alcoholics are unemployed. Hmm. Scary.

Stay with us here at SR, so many people who know what you are dealing with and can be there for you!
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Old 11-04-2005, 03:00 PM
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I have not been here in awhile myself. Started looking around again today. I found your post and felt I wrote it myself. As I was reading your post I heard this loud crash upstairs from my office, I ran up stairs because my husband who has been drinking for over 4 days also without any food (last meal Monday Night) fell and knocked over a table and lamp, again one of the many times. We have been married for 20yrs. We run a family business and my father in-law is retiring the first of the year. I too am at the point of wanting to sell my home, the home we 8 years ago built together our dream house (yeah right). We even had our family priest bless it once it was complete. That's when the drinking really seemed to get out of control. We both have always drank with friends parties holidays you know. I never thought he would turn into an alcoholic. Money was never an issue in fact we were having great times, maybe to great. I can't say when it really started maybe from the begining and I was blind. I just know that I am so tired of trying to keep everthing together that I need to get out.
I too am so scared I don't know what to do first.
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Old 11-04-2005, 06:12 PM
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Losenit...It gets worse will we are living with it. We hardly notice the progression....we just keep on developing more and more ways to cope. I posted this a while back.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...highlight=frog
My suggestion would be to get some help for yourself...Al Anon, counceling, education about the family disease of alcoholism...and get yourself in a sound state of mind so you can make a decision about what you want to do with your tomorrows.
((((Hugs))))
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Old 11-04-2005, 06:38 PM
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Me, too...same story (almost)...at times so fed up, and yet not ready to leave or end it...love my house, but it's not a home right now...at least he is finally employed after 5 months not, but he'll soon lose this job, too, since he chooses to continue to drink...not fooling anyone but himself. I try to do my thing...try HARD to stay out of his face...sometimes it's impossible, since we share a home, marriage, pets, and decisions have to sometimes be discussed. But certainly not any fun right now. I find I now feel more depressed, stressed, tired when I come HOME, rather than when I'm at work! At least tonight I made myself a nice dinner (he didn't wake from his stupor to have any), enjoyed it, and am relaxing, doing what I want to do, despite his heavy snoring in his passed out state. Good news is he's gotten used to retreating to the "guest room" when he's drinking, so I don't have to sleep with him. I guess when I've had too much, I'll leave. For now, hanging in and trying to take care of me...although there are some additional things I need to do in that department. All in time. Best to you all!
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Old 11-05-2005, 02:50 PM
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Unhappy

Day five and he is still going strong. I don't know how he is still alive. He has not had anything to eat in 5 days just booze. I'm afraid he will lapse into a coma or have alcohol poisoning. How do I get him to stop. I have been to health web-sites that tell me not to leave an intoxicated person alone for these reasons. He has again fallen and banged-up his knee, not that I mind that. He is really out of it, all the typical mood changes. I just hid the rest of his booze but now am afraid he will become violent. Just can't let him drink anymore I don't want to call 911. I stayed away from him all day, I spent the time in my yard doing some fall clean-up. We had such a nice warm day here in New England it was in the 70's for November I'll take it. He can't even stay asleep long maybe 1 hour 2 at best and then he will pick backup were he left off. My day was peaceful but, I know my evening will be anything but. Why couldn't I be "Bewitched" and cast a spell on him (HA HA). I think the sun and fresh air may have really lighted my attitude. Medically has anyone been through this to? This is the longest binge drinking he has ever done. Again, I don't know how he can still be alive.
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