Not a good man
 

I can't seem to stop thinking about something my RH of two weeks said last night. He came over and we were just talking about what is going on in our lives. He stated someone told him he was a good man, and I agreed. He got a blank look in his face, and acted like when someone knows something the rest of us doesn't know. He shook his head, and said that is not a good man. When I told him yes you are, again he stated ne, he isn't. Is this normal for a RA? Or is there really something I don't know about?

Hey sadface,

I think most A's in general have a pretty poor opinion of themselves..almost all of my exbf (and exabf) said that they weren't good enough for me..

I think that they are human and can't seem to accept themselves (flaws and all).. I know that I struggle (and I'm not an A)..

Maybe it is talking himself into relapse. Not good enough to get well, I am bad, so what is the use.

Does he go to AA? How often? I am one that believes in 90 meetings in 90 days. That way they hear from many different people, and can pick a sponser. (does he have a sponser??).
I would not be concerned untill after he does his 4th and 5th step.

If he doesn't go to AA, skip that part.
Just my thought.

Perhaps like all of us sometimes it's hard to take a compliment! Also maybe it's worth asking him what he thinks makes someone a good man?

Thanks, you got me thinking. He keeps saying his Rboss is trying to get him to attend an AA meeting, and I encourage him to attend. Also, he has stated he wants to see a doctor but he is not taking the steps. I didn't think about relapse. He promised his 14 yr old son he was going to quit and he says that is what he thinks about when he wants to drink. He says it is hard. I just have to wait and see what happens. He complains he has a lot of stomach problelms. I guess that is normal.

There is a short trip all of us AA's need to take regarding the things we learn in recovery...it's the 12 inch trip from our head to our heart. In my head I KNOW that I am not a bad person trying to be good, I'm an ill person trying to get well...but it hard to move that belief from my head to my heart. That may be where he is, especially if he is trying to just "white knuckle" it.

I know I am not bad, but occasionally, when I recall some of the things I did over a 30 year drinking binge, it's really hard to avvept that I am not a bad person.

BubbaBob

Often, very often there is a problem with low self-esteem.

Ngaire

Once they are sober, they start to realize all the pain they have caused loved ones. It must be tough to deal with knowing you hurt people yet they still love you anyway. They may feel like they don't deserve the love and mercy. Mine said something similar when he went into recovery for the 3rd time. He said he had hurt a lot of people... a lot of people. I could tell he wasn't ready to deal with it. (Then he started drinking again so that was the end of recovery.)

I think it seems to be common. My AH has said oh so and so hates me. He always asks if someone said bad things about him. I think they know society has a poor view of alcoholics, so they assume others feel the same about them, etc. I think it's fairly common. So you are not alone.

James (my husband) talks a great deal about how he has low self esteem and often asked my WHY I love him and what it is about him that I love.
Nothing I can say to him seems to raise his self esteem at all.

What I think about Self Esteem that it is something that is innate, embedded from childhood, learned through hard lessons, discovered in therapy or never found at all.

It is not a lost cause. We are ALL worthy. Seeing it in ourselves takes work. Work that requires an energy that is often spent elsewhere. I learned my hard lessons and had a family who made me realize that I was (and am) precious to them. James did not have such a family. He is not incapable of learning, however one needs to belive in ones self to see learning as a possibility.

Deep thoughts..

Jenny

Hi Sadface,

That's part of recovery is forgiving yourself and loving who you are once again.

I had to do that when I became sober 11 yrs ago. Yeah, I hurt alot of people with my drinking and no one kicked themselves in the butt more than I did.

To finally forgive myself was thee hardest thing to do, but thank God I could do it. I actually learned to love myself again and had compassion for what I went through. I gave myself permission to accept that I wasn't perfect and never would be.

If someone tells me I'm a good person today, I can finally say "thank you".


Also, if he's having stomach problems,......he may be worrying alot.Maybe talking to someone or the AA meetings would be helpful for him at this time.

((hugs))

Thanks everyone, Luis (my husband) and I just talked on the phone this morning. Even though we are separated, he calls me every moning to see how we are. Anyway, he went to a AA meeting last night that his RA boss has been trying to get him to attend. His RA boss is a great help, he calls him at night to check on him, and is supportive. This is what my husband has told me. My husband says he is going to continue attending this meeting that he will not give up. We talked a little about it. I told him I was happy for him, becuase this is like education something he is giving himself and nobody can take away. We also talked about it has been a little over 9 mos since he quit meth; he is proud of that, and rightfully so. We talked about how much he has to thank God for. I should say, I also have to thank God for. Like most of you, after hearing about Richard, I have to count my blessing---the good in my husband. Thanks Girlfriend, I also agree, my husband has a lot of things he has done his past and present that he has to forgive himself about. In the past, when he was drunk, he told me a little about his past, but presently he states it they are things he needs to deal with himself. I hope these are signs of recovery. Another question; I am also working on my own changes, but how can I be of some support for him. Do I just be here when he wants to talk? I did that when he quit meth. I just listened.

Just listen is very good, I think if he asked questions, like what should I do or what do you think, I believe I would say, "Gee! I think your AA people would be best to help you with that, as they have been there."
Just my thoughts. We have to go with our gut.
If he sounds positive, might be good to say something like "you seem to be doing great."
I have always heard, "Don't work their program for them"
My personal words I hate to hear are, "You should" or "You better" .
Advice from program people will be taken without feeling as if it is personal.

If one mentions 90 /90 probably be nice to not say "You should", rather say "the 90/90 suggestion sounds interesting, probably lots of different people and more ideas and information".
These just my thoughts and suggestions.
Take what you can use and leave the rest, and keep coming back. Do you go to Al-Anon??.