GettingBy

I read JC's post about pub and why he was really there. Seeing his recovery and his honesty made me start to think about my recovery and how I've had to get honest with myself.

I thought I would call my husband's cellphone 2-3 times after work because I wanted to let him know that I was thinking of him/wanting to spend time with him/showing I cared. But when I got honest, I realized that all those calls were me trying to manipulate his actions. Trying to give him reasons to come home, so maybe he would stay at the bar so long, maybe he wouldn't drink so much, maybe he wouldn't get a DWI. I was trying to control someone I had NO BUSINESS controlling.

I used to sit on the couch because I thought that I needed to keep myself free so that I would be available to my husband should he decide to come home and spend time with me. When I got honest, I realized that I was wasting my life sitting on the couch waiting for someone else to make things happen in my life. I was giving my husband the power to control my happiness. When I got honest, I realized that it was MY responsibility to make my own plans. Sure I could still want to spend time with him, but I realized that I could ask him myself, if he turned me down... so be it... I learned that my husband isn't the only thing I've got going for me, nor should he be.

My life was miserable and I told myself that all my problems would be solved if I could just get my husband sober. When I got honest, I saw that I owed part of the problem. Not all of it, but I did own my own unhappiness. I didn't own my husband's alcohol problems but I did own my ugly attitudes and actions towards those problems. My honesty allowed me to see that I had other choices on how to act. It was hard at first to make those other choices, but if I'm honest with myself, I can see that those new behaviors are much healthier for all of us.

It takes alot of humility to be honest with myself, but it's absolutely necessary for growth and maturity.

So what about you? How have you had to get honest with yourself?

Pick-a-name

WOW! You read my mind recently........yes; I finally have gotten those very things to start breaking through this thick skull! I am as bad as my A/H..worse; I haven't been drinking! but my denial is as strong or stronger.

Funny thing is (or course it is still easier to say these things than to do them many times) I have lately just emailed,etc info., etc then let him decide if he wanted to join us, etc......and guess what? He does now more than before. Instead of "inviting" him most times, I have begun leaving a message like "Kids and I are going to driving range later, if you care to join us; we can let you know when we will be there", etc. Then I don't ask (sometimes hard) why he wasn't there, etc.actually, now he explains to me details if I ignore it. Yes; the detatching thing. It always worked well for me dating....just didn't think after this time I'd need a refresher course; but it DO! haha

And yes; it was/is part of controlling..isn't it?! I wouldn't like it either; drunk or not.............. More to the point, it was a waste of my time, energy and peace of mind. Remind me of this;OK?! ha

somebodysfool

All makes so much sense in my head, I just wish someone would tell my heart.

I need to embrace the times I make right or healthy choices. Maybe I should make myself a sticker chart with smileys and frowns to track my progress and keep me honest. Cause I been lyin' to myself!!!

Thanks for the reminder...I am feeling better already...it is a weight off when I realize I only have to control myself.
J

elizabeth1979

Oh yes, I can relate.
I used to drive all over town running errands for D, bc I didnt want him driving me car, bc I didnt want him to go to jail (Warrant and neverending legal troubles).
It wasn't my problem if he went, I just thought it was. I would think to myself, "I dont wanna have to find bail money and deal with all that, so I just wont let him drive."
Stupid. He could get arrested for jaywalking, or any number of people with a vendetta could turn him in.

I would control by not going out with my friends bc he would drink more if I was out.

I would ration my cigarettes during the day bc I knew I was going to have to share with him when I got home.

I was the Codie Queen.
I thought I was not controlling or enabling for a LONG time. It took some serious sould searching and self questioning to realize that I was not being truthful with myself about my motives.

I am honest about what I can and cant tolerate.
I am honset about what belongs to me and what doesnt.

It feels better though. I felt closer to him when being honest with myself, bc I was letting go of all the hate and anger I had.